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Three months ago my Mom fell at home, suffered a serious head trauma... prior to the fall Mom was fairly sharp for someone her age [98] but the trauma brought on late stage dementia and she can no longer stand up. She is on Hospice at a nursing home. It's difficult to communicate with her.

Anywho, Dad [94] wants to bring her home because she isn't improving. He doesn't understand there will be no improvement. He thinks he can rent a hospital bed, put it in the house and all will be well with the world.

I tried to tell him the logistics of it all but it fell on deaf ears. He's also trying to save money not realizing it could cost him MORE having Mom back home. I told him he would need skilled nursing around the clock as Mom needs to be re-positioned every couple of hours and he couldn't do that, and someone strong to lift her out of bed and into her Geri recliner. Plus he thinks someone could put Mom in the car to go to the doctor.... actually Mom would need a special transport service.

Oh, Dad has Caregivers for himself as he's a major fall risk. If Mom comes home he probably would sleep in his recliner in the living room not wanting to leave her to go upstairs to bed [yes, still living in a house].

I ended the conversation with "do what you want, Dad" as I don't want to deal with it. I did all the work getting Mom into the nursing home that is just down the street and it wasn't easy. I did tell Dad if this doesn't work out at home and the nursing home is full, then what?

Anyone else here had to deal with something like this?

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You say your dad has mild dementia, but I wonder about that. While he may be perfectly oriented to place and time his reasoning skills and perception of reality seem to have been off for quite some time. The way he seemed to totally ignore the consequences to himself when you were injured is not a rational way to think, unless he was always so self centred?
I hate to recommend you break his heart by hitting him with a dose of reality, but when someone becomes a danger to themselves or others we can not allow them to have their own way.
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Freqflyer so sorry Dad is so lonely.. You've given great advice to others, now I guess it's your turn to receive some..

It's not easy when it's your loved ones but in your heart you know what to do..

Hugs...
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I think you also have to consider the discomfort to your mother of moving her. It would be just a horrible mess logistically. It's all so damn hard, I know, but Dad is not reasoning well and I don't think you should cave in on this.

I've got my own little crisis going at the moment with my folks. More on that later. FF, check your message board.
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I haven't been through this, but reading this, I'm wondering how advanced your DAD'S dementia is? Is it time to get guardianship? Who is mom's poa?

Would bringing mom home on hospice with round the clock aides and nursing care once a week be more costly than NH plus dads aides?
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FF, from all that you've written, I think your father is not only unable to see what your mother's true situation is, but he's in denial. I know from some personal experiences that some people think "if only...." (a) I could bring her home and take care of her (b) she could come home....then things would be better.

Is he able to understand advice from a doctor who would gently and compassionately explain to him what the situation is?

A less compassionate but more powerful method is to do a cost projection, of how much it would cost daily, weekly and monthly for the care your mother needs, unless hospice is already active and will cover the costs. If it is, that might be a cost saving, but the question is whether or not your father would be able to work with hospice or you would have to still be involved on time off from your job. The other issue is the expected duration of hospice.

I'm not sure but I think if your mother were on hospice in her home, a nurse would be administering morphine rather than a caregiver.

I am so sorry the situation has reached this point, and so sad for your whole family.
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FF, maybe once you get him to accept that mom isn't coming home you can move on to the next logical step, getting him moved. I can understand that the thought of downsizing would be overwhelming, it might be easier to get him to go if he can be convinced to leave everything behind to deal with "later". Maybe you can convince him to move "temporarily", although that would have been an easier sell before you found the excellent aides that have been helping him.
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If I had it to do over again with my mom, I would have moved her, some clothes, some things into the senior apartment and left everything else right where it was. Go through it at a later date without her around to get in the way and be upset about every spice box, Rx receipt from 1995, or rag that needed to go. Having her part of the process was a terrible idea now that I think back. It was so hard on her, but we could no longer hide from it or delay.

She wasn't cognitively able to handle the idea or the process of packing to move, donating, throwing, purging. It upset her more because it was disorienting and confusing, so she had exaggerated and inappropriate emotional responses. The mom I knew when she was my age would not have balked a moment at tossing "old mess".
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Let him call in the priest. It might do some good for Dad to talk to the priest too, a little extra holy water might do him good. Dad is going through his own FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) and feels the need to "fix" things.
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My MIL/FIL also both have dementia and lack any reasoning skills as well. I've been trying to follow Teepa Snow's advice, which is to acknowledge their feelings when the express an unreasonable desire (in our case it is driving, in yours bringing mom back home). So you say something like "Dad, it sounds like you miss having mom at home. Tell me about that." Once you get them talking, a lot of times their dementia gets them tracked onto another topic and you can talk about something else for awhile. If not, you put the decisions off to the future in some way by saying "The doctors say it isn't advisable to move her right now because of the extra special care she needs. We don't want to endanger her health. Let's see how she's doing in a week." It is amazing how much giving them a FUTURE YES gets them off the track! It is kind of like working wiht a toddler -- NO just makes them dig their heels in more.

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It is amazing how with dementia you feel like you're constantly being thrown into EMERGENCY mode.
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Freqflyer -- God bless you. You have a LOT on your plate here. A 98-year old Mom and a 94-year old Dad who you know is unrealistic in his expectations of taking care of Mom at home. Thankfully (and I don't say that lightly), he is unable to do physically do that. I would make sure YOU talk to the NH staff (administration) about this situation so you and them are on the same page about your Mom's care. You don't want something unexpected to happen like they release her to Dad's care and let her "go home".

You have done a huge service to you, your Dad and your Mom to get Mom properly placed somewhere she is safe and taken care of. I can't imagine how heartwrenching it must be to be separated from a spouse. Your Dad, in his dementia and old age, worries and misses his wife terribly I'm sure. He is surely in denial about his abilities to physically care for her at home.

But you know you've done the right thing by your Mom. Now stick to your guns with Dad. The NH is just down the street. I would have his CNA or aides take him down there to visit all he wants, but keep emphasizing to him that the NH is the best place for Mom to be given the care she deserves. Unfortunately, with his dementia, his reasoning capabilities are gone. You/they will just have to gently keep reinforcing the "best place for Mom" idea to Dad. It's a sad situation all the way around but you are strong and know you are doing the right thing.

It is hard and frustrating, I know. Your "do what you want Dad" comment is proof of that. Hang in there. I hope I will be going to heaven some day because I am living through hell on earth right now. You are too. It's mentally (and physically) exhausting to deal with elderly caregiving and all it entails. I pray so much for others on this forum as many have much worse situations than myself. I feel for you. {{{{HUGS}}}}
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