Dad wants to bring Mom home overnight for Thanksgiving. Any advice?

If all of you can handle it. My opinion, take her home. It has to be just as bad for dad as it is for mom? Married so long... then gone.

If the family is coming to the family home for Thanksgiving, give mom the chance to be with family. Tomorrow may be a whole new thing..

Yep, I agree bring her home.

We had two Thanksgivings. My Mom's nursing home had the big meal at noon. We all went and ate with her, then ate again later at home without her. The important thing is being together at some point. Depending on her level of dementia, it could be a big setback for her. She needs consistency to adjust to her new normal. We made the decision because her short-term memory was bad so she would have forgotten shortly after and we didn't want to upset her new routine. You need to decide from her perspective. No right or wrong answer. Best wishes.

We do a second thanksgiving every year at mom's NH on the Saturday or Sunday following the actual holiday.

I think Sueber has the right approach. It is a lovely idea to bring her home for maybe the last time and of course Dad is so sad. She is still cognicent enough to know she is being kept somewhere against her will.
6 weeks is a very short time in the acclimatization process and she will be with family she has not seen for a while which will be confusing as well. Talk to the AL staff and see what they feel is best for Mom but my guess is that it is too soon for an overnight visit.
By all means have everyone visit her but keep the groups small and only have the closest share the meal with her. it will just be too overwhelming.

You say you and your sister are worried about interrupting your mum's adjustment to Assisted Living. However, your mum may NEVER adjust to AL - if she has dementia the chances are that she will always want to 'go home' so you would be foolish to deny her the opportunity to be at home with you and your dad purely on the basis that by denying her this she will adjust to her new way of life. Your dad too needs her, so concentrate on doing what you can as a family to preserve those special occasions together rather than re-educating both your mum and dad to their 'new' and obviously less happy lives.

Speak to the carehome staff.
You need to be honest with yourselves.
Your mum is confused enough, I suspect, and realistically needs more time to settle in. Bringing her home (especially for thanksgiving) will confuse her and she will have to relive the pain of separation for her when she has to go back to the home.

Appreciate your dad's emotions, but ask the home what can be arranged in the home to celebrate thanksgiving?
Ask the experts their advice. Need to take the natural emotions out of the equation and priorityreally needs to be what is best for mum, because she is unable to understand decisions. Your dad, whilst sad, can apply reason to tge situation.
Ask about making some kind of arrangement for your dad and you on the day to try to make it special for you all.
Must be so so hard for your poor dad.

Love and hugs.

This will be the second thanksgiving for our mother now living at an AL. Mom always wants to leave where she is living now yet we can drive right past the intersection where her house is and it doesn't phase her. I will be keeping on the first floor in a recliner, her on the leap sofa. We have done this for years,she knows where the bathroom is. At the meal itself she will be happy and content and try to eat everything because she doesn't know when she if full. We just move food off the table. We let her pick her dessert md she wants dome of everything. The whole 3 days that she will be here we take care of her every need. We put her own for naps, and get her ready for bed by 8 pm. She won't remember anything about the day but we will. She won't know where she is but our faces will be familiar. We will l have a nice time. When my sister takes her back to her AL she will have had her favorite foods, played cards, played with our new dog and lived in the moment enjoying everything. We will all be blessed just having her here for a visit.
If your mom has anger issues then taking her out will be upsetting for her when it is time to take her back. Visiting her where she lives might just be what will have to be this year, it will be sad for everyone.

I understand your situation and am trying to make a similar decision regarding my loved one for Christmas. It is difficult, however, what I have learned to do is to consider the reality of how things are and how that is different from what I want to see happen in my non-dementia mind.

In my mind, I would think a visit at home with the family would be warm, comforting, just like the good old days, but that is not reality. Depending on the severity of your mom's condition, your Thanksgiving might not be at all what you all envisioned. What if your mom gets home and starts crying or is paranoid? What if she needs many diaper changes through the night? Is there someone who can do this? What if she screams and refuses to leave the house or claims it's not really her home at all?

Of course, none of those things could happen, but you still have to deal with her getting upset when she is returned to the Memory Care facility the next day? From my experience, it seems like a lot of drama and anguish just to make myself feel good about bringing my loved one to a house that she may or may not recall as her home when she arrives and will likely not remember seeing the following day.

Of course, it's personal decision. Your mom will adjust either route you go on this. Sometimes we all learn lessons from our attempts to handle dementia issues.

this may sound terrible but what happens when she throws a fit and wont' leave, who is going to pick her up and put her in vehicle to take her back to ALF. how much of that drama do you want to go thru? I would love to have my father with us on Thanksgiving day also but I know this is going to mess with his mind in more ways than one. We want to do some things to make "us" feel better and we don't think how it will affect them for days to come when they are back in the ALF. Is someone prepared to handle an "accident" if it happens, just saying. Spend some time with your loved one at the home and then go home to celebrate with the rest of the family. or maybe arrange to have your father eat with your mom that day at the home. OR maybe go somewhere else (like a restaurant) to eat and then take her back to ALF. wishing you luck

I will say a prayer for your family. I see both sides of the situation. I know how hard it has to be to decide either way. No matter which choice you make it will be difficult. If you feel that as a family you can all work together to support your Mom and Dad taking turns managing her care and being united in your approach I think that is more important than the decision. whatever decision.

Like Suber48, we ended up having two holidays. With multiple elders there were years where some came to the home while others stayed in the care facility. It all depended on how they were doing and the stress they would go through coming to the house.

In the end, having two separate celebrations (yes, it's a lot of work) was something that we did for years. The whole month between Thanksgiving and Christmas was one long decorating binge for me - at one time decorating 3 places besides my home, having meals in two places, etc. It's exhausting but it was better than having a person with dementia set back from the stress.

This is different for everyone, often depending on the stage of dementia. As you can see, there is a lot of good advice here in the community so read each addition and see what best suits your situation.

Take care of yourself, too. This is tough.
Carol

I would love to bring my dad home from his nursing home for the holidays this year because this is the first year he will not be able to be here. Instead we will take turns going to visit him on Thanksgiving day and Christmas day. (My mom goes to see him everyday for 4-5 hours too.) For your mom, the trip home might trigger even greater anxiety in her and yearning to stay home. This will make the drive back to ALF and the process of getting her settled back in to her room very upsetting for her and everyone. Good luck either way. If you do decide to bring her home you should share your experience here.

Reality is difficult, the holidays make even more difficult. Not every family situation is a hallmark card. If she has so much trouble with incontinence that is going to cause a damper at the dinner table when someone,and who is going to volunteer for this, has to clean grandma up.That's just reality. Also, what if her behavior goes "south"? Who deals with this.? Your family situation has changed, it will never be the holiday gatherings of old no matter how much you and your dad want it to be. However, make new traditions,have the holiday where grandma is,make a big deal out of it for her,don't keep changing her surroundings.Think outside the box.

This will be the first year my mom will be in AL for the holidays. My plan is to bring her down to my house and spend the night. I'm not sure if my brothers will come. She's been to my house before so it's familiar but not her home. I still don't really know what the details are but i will make it a nice time for her. I need to connect with the AL staff to get her meds and find out if there's anything else i need to look out for. I'm putting alarms on all the outside doors and the one to the basement in case she tries to leave in the middle of the night. She'll stay one night - in the past any more than one night upsets her. wish us well!

I realize this is a tough decision for everyone, especially her husband and your dad. Definitely talk it over with someone who is trained and has knowledge about your mom's condition and her going home. With my and my grandfather's experience; my grandmother was like a scared child would be---she didn't sleep while we slept, she wondered through the house at night. She managed to leave the house,walking one day with two sets of eyes watching her. She had certain fears about us doing things for her; like me giving her a bath. She was non compliant about everything. We took objects such as knives out of the kitchen because she plundered all the time. This may be for "over-night", but I would definitely pray about it because I seek my answers from God as well! My first thoughts were; what if you took long ago pictures of her husband, children and family members if available and things she did when the children were small; knitting, paintings or something way back that she may remember...I pray it works out for the best and that you all will enjoy Thanksgiving while we are all living. Whatever you all decide, the main ingredient to Thanksgiving reunions is LOVE♡...God bless all of you this thanksgiving!

Rita/Orlando FL

An amendment to Rita2013...my apologies for I didn't make it clear...What if you take some things that she may remember to the ALF on Thanksgiving and visit her there or ask the facility if they have a couple of trained staff who would be willing to go to Thanksgiving with her...

Some people adjust well to the nursing home environment, others just don't. It is a cruel disease that separates families. Any respite and joy should be considered a blessing. If at all manageable, I would bring her home. This is like imprisonment to her without her having committed a crime other than that she got old and unable to look after herself.

Mother is 95 and bowel incontinent. No dementia - but sometimes rude and hateful. I would not disrupt everyone else to bring her home. I can't see that it helps anyone. As Wolf stated, who has to manhandle her to get her back to the facility? We do bring my MIL home for events, but she is also OK, with staying put. She tires easily.

My MIL's AL has a dining room that can be reserved and we have done that for birthday. I have to wonder if your Mom will even know it is Thanksgiving? Can your dad take turkey, etc. over there and dine in her room?

My mother asks to go by the house, frequently. We are unable to transport her, but we also have to consider what would happen when she gets home?

My sympathies to you and a hug to your dad.

I don't think anyone here can predict how this will go for you. I agree with those who say consult professionals who know your mother and her abilities when deciding. My only advice is that if the recommendation is that she not come home, you have the professional tell your dad and siblings, not you. You don't want it to be "Mary said she couldn't come home.". Good luck with whichever choice you make.

Ah, the Holidays! Everyone is happy by the hostess!

I would not do this unless I hired a caterer. Who is going to care for your mother while she is at your house? Who will change her when she soils/wets? How will she react to the noise/confusion? Does she recognize people in a group?

Is the Assisted Living Facility having a dinner for Thanksgiving? Perhaps you can attend with family? What about family visiting her after with some 'goodies'?

All dementia/ALZ patients ask to 'go home' especially when the person who they perceived put them there is visiting? I'd hazard a guess it's the only time they think about it.

I like the idea of taking her out to dinner at a restaurant, some places do it like a 'wedding' of sorts, with round tables set out for eight to ten people, around which the family sits. That would the ideal.

Another suggestion would be, Will dad want to spend Thanksgiving with her and her only? He just might. Then you can join them after. I guess it depends on your frame of mind and how hassled you get around this time of year.

In the end, it all depends on how YOU feel about this. How YOU feel the family will be, i.e., comfortable or not. Chances are she'll be just as happy in the Assisted Living Facility with your father sharing dinner with her while you have the big one at home. As I said above, then you can join them.

Or perhaps you can have a late Thanksgiving, i.e., supper instead of dinner, so dad can spend time with her a the nursing home, then come home and spend time with the extended family.

I moved my Father 12 weeks, 600 miles to the state I am living in. My parents have been married 61 yrs. My Mother is in the process of selling their home and needed time to downsize, etc. My Father was an hour away, we moved him to our hometown into another Memory Care facility 5 weeks ago. I brought Dad to our home for dinner a few weeks ago, and plan to bring him for Thanksgiving. Dad has some incontinence problems mostly at night. I had to direct him to the bathroom, and he did great the entire time he was here. He enjoyed a beautiful day relaxing in our screen, playing with our dog, visiting with the teens and having dinner. He was here 6 hrs and when It was getting late I suggested we get back to his apartment, and he was fine with that. Your Mom has been at her facility for 6 weeks and I am sure is still adjusting. The hard part is she will be returning to "Her" home. I too would be worried how she will react..the time has been short and her connection to this home and her Husband will be hard. If it was my Mother I would take her. I would let her know she will come for the day and you will bring her back in the evening and help her get settled for bedtime. As for the incontinence, she will hopefully go when you direct her or take her. I understand when people say we are doing it for ourselves..actually I can honestly say I'm doing it for my Father. I want him to feel as whole as possible, able to do things even without his short term memory. In the end I don't believe you will regret any inconveniences of the day...it's just Thanksgiving for heaven sakes..life will go on..and your Father will be greatful!

Oh, one more thing I noticed in your post: "My sister and I are worried she will have a set back in her adjustment to living in ALF" along with your mother not wanting to go back after the 'drive' with your dad.

I have to ask, is your dad doing this for your his wife and your mother or is he doing it for himself, i.e., to pretend there will be a Thanksgiving like all the rest?

It's not going to happen.

You also didn't state how many would be at the house, their ages, etc.

I just can't believe that the Assisted Living Facility isn't going to have some sort of Thanksgiving Dinner along with something nice for the 'residents'.

You just need to realize this isn't going to be 'The Notebook', or The Waltons Last Thanksgiving with Mom where she, in a blue silk dress, hair all coiffed, lipstick and makeup, nails done, etc., suddenly realizes who everyone is and comes out of her trance for a moment or two.

Perhaps her last Thanksgiving with the family was last year. It may be nicer to remember how that went instead of trying to make something up that may not happen.

Look, I tried this last year with my mom, I did the whole nine yards, etc., No, she wasn't transferred from nursing home to home, but it still went south. You know what she did? She sat there and ate and ate and ate, without taking a breath, choking on her food, then sneezing (because that's how she does it) asking for tissue after tissue, not looking up, not acknowledging anyone, etc. The 'routine' that dementia patients so need went out the window and it took me at least two/three days to stabilize the 'patient'. At that time, her dementia wasn't all that bad (or I didn't think it was). Please, spare the family. Spare your mom. Keep it simple. She's never remember. It's all for you and your dad. If it's that important for you and your dad, then do it. But it won't be a really good memory or at least I don't think it will.

The biggest mistake is having it in her old home. She may or may not remember but she will feel bad when forced to go back and dad's memory of the last Thanksgiving will be of her crying and struggling as you put her back in the car. It "could" work if the celebration was in another relatives home and she realized she was just visiting or if it is still safe to take her out in public to a resturant. If this is to be a large family gathering it is just too much to expect everyone to sit through the ordeal.

I wouldn't do it. I took moms decorations to ALF and put on the table and in her room so she sees familiar decorations on the actual day. I plan to cook thanksgiving dinner Wednesday and go spend the day w her Thursday at ALF. This way she gets me all day and I get leftovers if u will to come home to. Win win.

It is an incredibly hard decision to make especially for your dad. Perhaps it would be too confusing for her when she has to go back. It is a double-edged-sword.

I agree with the approach to having two Thanksgivings. Or just one..does the ALZ have a room (conference room or other activity rm not in use on Thanksgiving) that they would allow you to set up and enjoy your precooked thanksgiving dinner there? You can take your own tablecloth, some family China, serving dishes that are memorable to mom and dad and recreate your family holiday there. Bring some games for the children.

This way you will have created a new happy memory at the residence for mom and dad. This will probably be enough excitement for her and then she and dad can return to her unit..the rest of the gang goes back to your house for leftovers or snacks and enjoys the rest of the holiday.

That's how I would handle it. We've got the Same issues with my FIL who is at home but has cognitive and potty limitations which makes travel and lengthy get togethers challenging. We now go a wked early and celebrate the occasion, adult children who can make a day trip as well. A few hrs is all he can stand. Then we have our family holiday separate.

I figure the "holiday" doesn't have to be on the exact date --"it's a holiday whenever the family is together no matter what the day".

Don't stress over this. Offer a practical solution and I'm sure under the circumstances the rest of family will be on board.

She probably will have a temporary set back, but she will get to visit with family, be in her own home, and family can see her too. Yes, there will be resistance when it is time to return to the ALF, but she can return with memories, before she forgets them and all will be glad to have seen her before her passing.

I think if u and your sister can handle her bring her home they have so little time left, My mom was in an AL home and every time I went to visit her she was so mean to me and I was having break downs so I brought her home to take care of her. I have hospice to help I am an only child. My mama had a bad life for most of her life. So u have to do what feels right for u.

I like Veronica's suggestion. Have it at somebody else's house.