Dad, with dementia, wants me to clean out his closet that’s been a mess for years. He wants to just direct the action and not do anything. He’s not really physically able to do much. This suddenly became an issue when he decided he was finding bugs in the house, which in reality were just in his head/he imagined them. I guess this is why he won’t stop making demands about it. He thinks there are bugs everywhere, obviously the closet must be filled with them, too.
I know what I would tell somebody else if they ased me this question. But being in the middle of it seems different somehow. Having to decide if I’m setting a bad precedent, or if I just clean out the closet and avoid an argument. Last time I disagreed with him about one of his requests, it turned into a huge fight with him saying some personally awful things to me, things you can’t unhear. Trying to avoid that again.
if your answer is don’t clean it out, please provide reasons or things that I can say to get him to agree to it. Otherwise it’s gonna go on forever. Thanks for the attention to the crazy question.
The more you get cleaned out....the better.
I would avoid confrontation with him as the stress is hard on you. If it comes to that can you hire someone to do it?
"Last time I disagreed with him about one of his requests, it turned into a huge fight with him saying some personally awful things to me, things you can’t unhear. Trying to avoid that again."
Maybe some things have changed, but it appears as if Dad could clean the closet?
He says:
"Both parents still living and relatively healthy- still active - driving, shopping, cooking, gardening, etc."
That would be my first choice. He gets what he wants and you can be removed from it.
It wouldn't hurt for you to spend a little bonding time with him cleaning the closet if this is something that feels important to him. But I foresee some arguments coming out of that if you try and control it. With his lack of mental clarity, he will probably want to look at, touch everything, reminisce and share a story about it, then set it aside to save and be put right back again. A lot of elders like to do this. It's not really about cleaning, it's about going through their stuff and their memories. Or taking inventory of the stuff they've accumulated over a lifetime and find some importance in it.
So, go ahead. Plan to spend some time going through the closet with him. Prepare to be frustrated. Just take a deep breath and let it go. If you find it too frustrating after a few hours, stop and tell him you will finish at a later date. Then, find excuses to never be available for that. Hire a professional cleaner to finish the job.
Next: I love me a good closet clean out. But having him direct it might backfire.
My MIL asked me and my husband to clean out her pantry and garage. No problem. She didn’t have dementia, wasn’t a hoarder. She was, however, a pack rat. Always “I might need it!”. No, you haven’t needed any of this in 30 years.
We got to work and within minutes, she was “No! That’s still good! I might could use it!” Fought us every step of the way.
After maybe 2 months, it was back to the usual clutter. She had asked us to do it, then would barely let us do anything. It took forever to clean out her house when she died.
Decide if cleaning the closet out is worthwhile to make life easier in the current situation, or will make things easier for everyone when he moves to a facility or passes away. Clean it out if you have time and energy and ability. Decline if you don't. But it won't solve the immediate problem of the bug hallucinations. Talk to his doctor about that. I hope you get a solution, for his sake and yours.
Pack up the Summer clothes, put out the Fall & Winter clothes.
Use cedar in the closet to deal with any bugs. Or hire a pest control to come in.
Just because there is dementia, does not always mean there are NO BUGS.
The project of closets has always been ongoing and seasonal, so it will go on forever. You are not obligated to clean out the closet yourself, but you can assist in hiring help.
If you do try to help, you will always be able to stop and do it another time.
Keeping the organizing session short may help. Stopping when either person gets frustrated.
I would clean out the closet WITHOUT his knowledge . Trying to sift through a closet with someone with dementia is like trying to clean out a hoarder’s house with the hoarder directing . My husband tried cleaning out his Dad’s apartment “ along “ with him . Did not go well .
If Dad wants help , it’s on your terms .
I learned not to be ordered around like a servant .
It’s up to you when you clean it , you will end up cleaning it out someday anyway.
Maybe Dad should move to memory care ? You deserve to live in peace .
My mother was fixated with the notion that I was hiding her deceased parents and siblings in the closets at her Memory Care. She'd spend hours wheeling herself around looking for them. Do you think she'd stop looking once she checked all the closets and didn't find them? Nope. Ativan helped cut down the obsessive searching, but didn't eliminate it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller is an excellent book for you to read to get a feel for what dad is experiencing.
Good luck to you.
He's your dad, and you were taught to respect him, but that doesn't mean that you must take his abuse. It's hard to think a parent would abuse us, but it's important to define it when it happens so we can avoid it.
I went through 2 crazy weeks of my Mom insisting her remote was brocken. To make a long story short, it turns out that since she has neuropathy in her fingertips and arthritis in her fingers and hands, she was pressing 2 buttons at the same time: one for on/off and the other for Reset -- which kept deprogramming it. What followed was numerous calls to the cable company, and when I refused to keep reprogramming it she called the cable company herself and wasted the service person's time with a home appointment. I finally super glued the Reset button and problem solved until... her favorite tpt weather channel changed it's channel number, so she was again convinced her remote was broken. When I demonstrated to her it wasn't the remote but a cable programming issue, this still didn't convince her. Now she has a RAZ Mobility phone so she cannot call out anymore BUT she got her aid to call the cable company and kept ordering a new remote. I removed 2 from her house.
Then she called my husband over and he also demontrated there was nothing wrong with her existing remote. Then recently when my son was over visiting her she brought out yet a 3rd new remote. Guess what? He couldn't program it to her TV because it's too old. She is absolutely stuck on wanting a new remote and nothing we say or do changes her mind. When I asked her why she wants a different remote when her current one works perfectly she just says, "Because it's new".
All this to say, your Dad won't be satisfied with you cleaning out just 1 closet. Tell him you aren't the person to do it and then change the subject. Make sure other local family and friends know he is fixated on imaginary bugs so that if he calls them, they won't get suckered into pointless cleaning.
And like already said if your dad is having these hallucinations about bugs you need to talk to his doctor about perhaps some medication to help him.
Would he be satisfied with a token effort? you taking a few things out, dusting for one minute in there, then putting most back and discarding one item? Or is it likely to be a drawn out ordeal with him not satisfied (“now scrub the walls and floor! Polish the hanging bar! Rearrange the clothes again!” You’re doing it wrong!”)
My dad had dementia and was obsessed with finances. I had taken over all the bills and taxes and such, and taken away his ability to log into his accounts because he had made some disastrous mistakes, but of course he didn’t accept that. He couldn’t stop thinking about it and would ask me about it many times per day. I tried the ignore, deflect, change the subject route many times, or the “it’s all paid automatically online now” too and it never worked. With him and that obsession, I found that giving him a printout of the top two pages of the tax return or a statement showing the electric bill had been paid quieted him down better, sometimes for a few days even. He could no longer really read or understand the documents, but somehow having a couple of official looking pages made him quit bothering me about it for longer.
He was the opposite to yours about closets. He would throw whatever in there or anywhere in his room, under the bed, in his clothes drawers — newspapers, pens, scissors, his toothbrush, silverware, trash, food, used Depends— he didn’t see any problem with it and didn’t want people in his room at all and definitely not cleaning. Ugh.
good luck!!
Learn to do therapeutic fibbing. When it gets too much, I excuse myself and get a breather or do laundry just to get some peace and quiet. Their brains are broken and you don't have to get caught up in nonsense that only leaves you exhausted and angry.
It is okay if they yell and get angry. You don't have to stand there and take it. It is okay to walk away and let the situation calm down. If you don't live there, go home.
I learned a technique in therapy years ago called deliberate ignoring.
Also, you can add earbuds and listen to music while he goes on his rants. However, me, I would just excuse myself and walk away or leave if he is okay to be left alone.
I have a stubborn nature; so, I would not clean anything if someone is being rude and disrespectful dementia or not. As far as the closet goes, he can hire a cleaning service for that. Don't become his gopher. Go for this and go for that. The screaming and yelling is a form of manipulation. If you start doing things to avoid the screaming and yelling which is nothing more than senior tantrums, he will continue this behavior just like a spoiled child who can't get their way.
Get your Dad the medical help he needs.