Dad, with dementia, wants me to clean out his closet that’s been a mess for years. He wants to just direct the action and not do anything. He’s not really physically able to do much. This suddenly became an issue when he decided he was finding bugs in the house, which in reality were just in his head/he imagined them. I guess this is why he won’t stop making demands about it. He thinks there are bugs everywhere, obviously the closet must be filled with them, too.
I know what I would tell somebody else if they ased me this question. But being in the middle of it seems different somehow. Having to decide if I’m setting a bad precedent, or if I just clean out the closet and avoid an argument. Last time I disagreed with him about one of his requests, it turned into a huge fight with him saying some personally awful things to me, things you can’t unhear. Trying to avoid that again.
if your answer is don’t clean it out, please provide reasons or things that I can say to get him to agree to it. Otherwise it’s gonna go on forever. Thanks for the attention to the crazy question.
And like already said if your dad is having these hallucinations about bugs you need to talk to his doctor about perhaps some medication to help him.
My mother was fixated with the notion that I was hiding her deceased parents and siblings in the closets at her Memory Care. She'd spend hours wheeling herself around looking for them. Do you think she'd stop looking once she checked all the closets and didn't find them? Nope. Ativan helped cut down the obsessive searching, but didn't eliminate it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller is an excellent book for you to read to get a feel for what dad is experiencing.
Good luck to you.
I would clean out the closet WITHOUT his knowledge . Trying to sift through a closet with someone with dementia is like trying to clean out a hoarder’s house with the hoarder directing . My husband tried cleaning out his Dad’s apartment “ along “ with him . Did not go well .
If Dad wants help , it’s on your terms .
I learned not to be ordered around like a servant .
It’s up to you when you clean it , you will end up cleaning it out someday anyway.
Maybe Dad should move to memory care ? You deserve to live in peace .
Learn to do therapeutic fibbing. When it gets too much, I excuse myself and get a breather or do laundry just to get some peace and quiet. Their brains are broken and you don't have to get caught up in nonsense that only leaves you exhausted and angry.
It is okay if they yell and get angry. You don't have to stand there and take it. It is okay to walk away and let the situation calm down. If you don't live there, go home.
I learned a technique in therapy years ago called deliberate ignoring.
Also, you can add earbuds and listen to music while he goes on his rants. However, me, I would just excuse myself and walk away or leave if he is okay to be left alone.
I have a stubborn nature; so, I would not clean anything if someone is being rude and disrespectful dementia or not. As far as the closet goes, he can hire a cleaning service for that. Don't become his gopher. Go for this and go for that. The screaming and yelling is a form of manipulation. If you start doing things to avoid the screaming and yelling which is nothing more than senior tantrums, he will continue this behavior just like a spoiled child who can't get their way.
Would he be satisfied with a token effort? you taking a few things out, dusting for one minute in there, then putting most back and discarding one item? Or is it likely to be a drawn out ordeal with him not satisfied (“now scrub the walls and floor! Polish the hanging bar! Rearrange the clothes again!” You’re doing it wrong!”)
My dad had dementia and was obsessed with finances. I had taken over all the bills and taxes and such, and taken away his ability to log into his accounts because he had made some disastrous mistakes, but of course he didn’t accept that. He couldn’t stop thinking about it and would ask me about it many times per day. I tried the ignore, deflect, change the subject route many times, or the “it’s all paid automatically online now” too and it never worked. With him and that obsession, I found that giving him a printout of the top two pages of the tax return or a statement showing the electric bill had been paid quieted him down better, sometimes for a few days even. He could no longer really read or understand the documents, but somehow having a couple of official looking pages made him quit bothering me about it for longer.
He was the opposite to yours about closets. He would throw whatever in there or anywhere in his room, under the bed, in his clothes drawers — newspapers, pens, scissors, his toothbrush, silverware, trash, food, used Depends— he didn’t see any problem with it and didn’t want people in his room at all and definitely not cleaning. Ugh.
good luck!!
I went through 2 crazy weeks of my Mom insisting her remote was brocken. To make a long story short, it turns out that since she has neuropathy in her fingertips and arthritis in her fingers and hands, she was pressing 2 buttons at the same time: one for on/off and the other for Reset -- which kept deprogramming it. What followed was numerous calls to the cable company, and when I refused to keep reprogramming it she called the cable company herself and wasted the service person's time with a home appointment. I finally super glued the Reset button and problem solved until... her favorite tpt weather channel changed it's channel number, so she was again convinced her remote was broken. When I demonstrated to her it wasn't the remote but a cable programming issue, this still didn't convince her. Now she has a RAZ Mobility phone so she cannot call out anymore BUT she got her aid to call the cable company and kept ordering a new remote. I removed 2 from her house.
Then she called my husband over and he also demontrated there was nothing wrong with her existing remote. Then recently when my son was over visiting her she brought out yet a 3rd new remote. Guess what? He couldn't program it to her TV because it's too old. She is absolutely stuck on wanting a new remote and nothing we say or do changes her mind. When I asked her why she wants a different remote when her current one works perfectly she just says, "Because it's new".
All this to say, your Dad won't be satisfied with you cleaning out just 1 closet. Tell him you aren't the person to do it and then change the subject. Make sure other local family and friends know he is fixated on imaginary bugs so that if he calls them, they won't get suckered into pointless cleaning.
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