Dad thinks his only daughter (me) deserted him. Is there anything I can say to help him realize it's me?

Some years ago dad turned everything over to me in the event that the very same thing may happen, and it sure did, he knows zero about who I am and it sickens me to no end so just move forward the best way you can a you will always no that your his daughter forever. It will all work out for you and him......

When I was a kid, I had to volunteer at a senior care home for a specific project. The director instantly disliked me, because I made it clear I was there under duress. She assigned me to the most difficult woman in the whole building, a vicious old lady who threw things, screamed and shrieked. I was 15.

I dug in and befriended her. She told me every single time that she'd just gotten a letter from her daughter and she asked me to read it to her (very loudly!) I must have read that letter 20 times over the 3 months I did my project. On her dresser, she had a photo of a little boy, maybe 5, and a young woman standing next to him. She didn't know who they were...but the letter announced to the old lady that the writer's son had just graduated from college... Eventually, I figured out they were the people in the photo.

No one ever came to visit her. I even checked with the director, and several aides and nurses. I suspect 15-20 years had passed, all alone in that stinky, clinical depressing place. I'd throw things too!

To the OP and all of you who are dealing with this, know that at some deep, unconscious level, what you're doing is still touching their hearts. It still matters to them. Keep up the good work.

This is just an absolutely heart-breaking story! I'm so very sorry you had to go through this. Dementia is a wicked, wicked thing and not just for the person suffering. My former MIL died recently after 4.5 years in a memory care facility.

When my "wasband" drove 1,600 miles to visit her, waving through the window, she refused to even look in his direction, despite the nurse's urgings. That will always be his last memory. So sad! He had always been her favorite child.

And my own grandfather, last time I saw him, asked me out on a date...and asked me why I kept calling him "Grandpa". The whole thing really angered my mom, who was then his caregiver.

While nothing can prevent his disease, and little any of us say can soothe your hurt, please know that like the others, I wrap my arms around you and kiss your forehead. You're a good daughter and I honor your kind commitment to him.

Peace.

This disease ravages memories so you may not exist to him as you present. My Mom had vascular dementia and has since passed. I started calling her by her first name and would ask her how old she was. The age changed but I learned a great deal about my Mom through the stored memories that never came up previously. I would reassure your Dad that Ann is not angry with him. You can ask if he would like you to check on her for him. Your actions are to comfort him in his current capacity. I disappeared in my Mom's memory. She aged retro and there came a time that I did not exist, but her grandparents were alive to her and her parents. She could chat up quite a bit about her life as those memories became contemporary.

Hi I think a lot of us have been through this! It is very distressing.
One thing to try is to take in old albums. I took in my brother's wedding and pointed out photographs of myself with my father and the rest of the family, to remind him. He really enjoyed the photos and seemed to connect me with the daughter he felt he had 'lost'.
At one point he said (accusingly) "I remember you when you looked like that!" I said "Yes Father, I wish I still did. It was 30 years ago!"
That made us both laugh. xx

This is such a terrible disease. I remember my Mom looking through me the first time she didn't recognize me - it's like getting sucker punched.
Something I would do with Mom is put hymns on my phone to play and lay beside her and talk to her. We would snuggle and she would play with my hair. She couldn't see my face so I think that helped eliminate some confusion. We would spend time just snuggled together singing the hymns or just listening quietly.
She didn't know who I was, but was always comfortable and happy to be with me. She said many times, "we've known each other for a very long time" and I would answer "pretty much my whole life".

with cell phones, it is so easy to snap a pic of you and him right now in the moment, and show it to him. :)

Dad, this is me and you :) !!

can we take another one together now?

It’s not all that uncommon for seniors to manipulate others, and yes there are seniors who have some dementia who are also capable of being manipulative.
Its a possibility since he isn’t happy being there that he really does know it’s you, and is acting as if he doesn’t so he can express his anger at what he feels was abandoning. Instead of repeating “it’s me dad” respond in such a way that affirms the reality without giving attention to her remarks so if he starts telling you about his daughter who deserted him, simply don’t give a response to that at that time,cheerfully change the subject such as “dad look the paper says,..” for example and talk about other things, remember if you give a response it reinforces it. Tell him often “dad I really love you”

I don't know if this will work but at least the project will give you something to do - make up a time-lapse photo album showing you (ideally with your Dad) decade by decade, leading up to the present day.

It might be revealing to ask him one or two questions about this "missing" daughter - how old she is, for example, where she's living, what job she does. Might give you a clue about where in time his head has gone to.

HI DAD !! I LOVE YOU.

Do not correct him. and do not fight it. I did, and that was the last time she literally spoke.

Have you seen ann? Yes, I am happy I can visit you again. Or smile. He is in there. be there for him and you. smile..

Repitition, Keep going back to see him as much as you can. Bring some old photographs other things to spark his memory.

Patiently persistent, hopefully it will come back enough so he knows who you are.

Good luck

Take a picture with you next time. Sadly, no there's nothing you can do to talk someone out of a recurring episode and even more sadly it will happen again. When dementia people are in this mode you just have to go with it. Maybe just say what you want to say but in the way the goes along with his episode. Like I know your daughter loves you more than anything and would never abandon you. Sorry for your pain my dad has dementia too

Imho, just keep reminding him of who you are and that you are right in front of him. Prayers sent.

While Mom always new it was me so many times her memory failed on so many other parts of her life. I did find that the best way to get past those failings was to keep talking about the things she could remember. In the six years she was in LTC/Assisted living she was introducing me to the caregivers as her daughter even by name - never once remembering she had already done it. We all smiled and said hello. As hard as it is for those who loose their memories, it is equally as hard for those of us who have not. So I found that continuing to act as I always did it helped her to understand that everything in her life was really OK and she need not fret. Sometimes a picture would help. If he has a place to put them, bring some for him. Perhaps some from years ago of both of you together, and of course other relatives also, She often couldn't remember names, but she did remember they were her children, husband, grandchildren, great grandchildren and at last her great great grandchildren. They made her smile. Good luck and god bless, this is not easy. So be easy on yourself. And this COVID thing has made it so much more difficult for our loved ones, so smile for him, hug him and stay strong and easy.

I have not read the other reply’s but I will share what happened with my Mom. One day she demand to talk to the real (my name) and was very upset. She would not believe me or my husband when we told her I was the real person. This was my gift on Christmas Day that year. In fact when my husband was near me she got upset thinking he was cheating on me with the worker (me). It upset me just like you said and I remember it clearly to this day 13 years later.

I had to act like the worker, but I continued to care for her with love and calmness. One day she said to me, “I don’t know why, but I have loved you since the first day I met you.” Oh my, knock me over. So you see, with their broken, confused mind, the love and caring can get through. He is not remembering it’s you right now and might always be confused from here on in. But keep loving him. Talk softly, call him Dad/Daddy. If that upsets him, you can say you like to call him that because he seems like a Daddy, if that is ok with him. Do not use the word remember, because he can’t and saying that can upset him.

Use little white lies, by telling him you know she has been away but will be back soon. Try calling him on the phone and see if he will then recognize you. You need to be in his world and as hard as that is, it makes it easier on both of you.

I am now my husbands caregiver and know this day is just around the corner that he won’t know me. I live in the moment and know it is not about what I wish it would be, but it is this way and as long as he is safe and well taken care of, feels my love that is ok. Bless you and keep your love flowing.

Anne, don't despair... Dementia has ups and downs. A year or so ago, my mother thought I was her Carer (I live with her, but had been on holiday, leaving a carer in charge) and she was surprised to hear that I was her late son's sister... "oh, perhaps that's why I feel a connection with you". Time passed by, only a month or so and suddenly she knew who I was again. I hope it will come back to your dad and the "loss of his daughter" will be all forgotten.

I hate to say this - he has dementia and that causes horrible things to be said and done that normally would NOT occur. It is absolutely useless fighting and arguing because it won't sink in or they won't believe it. They are o.k. one moment and then the next not. You can't do or say anything to fix it and I doubt any medicine can. Just love them as much as you can and learn to accept what is the case.

I think your main concern here is calming dad down; letting him know his daughter did NOT desert him and that she loves him. I'm not sure how you go about doing such a thing..........just trying to say I feel your pain and this damned dementia/ALZ is such a cruel and heartbreaking affliction that affects EVERYONE, not just the one who's afflicted with it. We ALL suffer.

I wonder if you rub your dad's head or shoulder and let him know that Ann is away for a few days and unreachable by phone, and that she will call you right away when she gets back home. That Ann loves him very much & is looking forward to visiting with him very soon. I don't know if that will work, but it's worth a try.

Sending you a hug and a prayer that your dad is able to recognize you as his daughter more often in the future.

Annabox,

First, a (((hug))).

It probably wont make you feel any better but periodically this happens to me: Mom talks about me to Me (and it's rarely complementary!) She conjures up the most awful fables about people I feel I need to defend. All too often, the false beliefs of abandonment, theft, indifference, cruelty (in her disordered mind) are connected to those who love her the most and do the most for her. And as you described of your dad, my mom also fades in and out of her delusion like bad radio reception. One minute she's talking about me like I wasn't there, and the next minute she seems to know she's addressing me, her daughter. In and out. Back and forth.

Dear Anna, recognize the neurons in your dad's brain are misfiring. He remembers, loves and values you, his daughter because after all, he's asking for you! But the visual center in his brain no longer recognizes you. I would suggest you emotionally disconnect. I don't mean abandonment, ceasing to care, etc. Rather, recognize the disease for what it is: a memory thief. You can't help it. He can't help it. It's easier to just go along with his delusions. When he asks after Anna, you might make up some pretext for your "absence," i.e., "Anna's on vacation, Anna's got the flu; I'll let her know you miss her," whatever you think might best reassure him.

When my mom attacks a family member for some imagined slight or threat, I say, "Oh Mom, that's just not the Jane I know! She's such a good person to have remembered your birthday last month!", etc. Don't directly challenge. Just say something calming and reassuring.

This disease is an uphill battle with no winners. When we as caregivers think in terms of how we can ease the way for those who are afflicted, it eases the way for ourselves, too. Just know you have a place to come to when your heart is breaking. There are many here who have lived through the pain you're feeling. We get it.

My heart broke reading this 😔.

It made me remember a lady I met when volunteering in a NH. She had Alz & her son had come to visit. She called to me that "this man said he was her son & he was not!!" She had two photos in frames on her dresser. The sweet little blond boy with curls & a grown man. Only a small resemblemence to the (older) man now in the room.

I asked what her son looked like & she pointed to the sweet boy. Her son just laughed & told me some days that's him, some days the adult photo, some days she knew him instantly. He just went with whatever. So that day, he asked about her memories of that sweet boy & I left them to it.

My heart certainly goes out to you ❤️.

So sorry you are experiencing this. Maybe create a memory book that logs your visits and your relationship. Then, you can "show" your dad how much you care for him and connect with him.

Near the end of mom's life, it was clear that she was struggling to remember us (who visited her frequently). Sometimes, she would forget that dad had passed about 8 months previously. I found myself in a quandary as to how to deal with this. Go along with the delusion or set her straight. I tried to "go along with" only to get caught in the lie, when she asked me if I would visit dad before I went home, I said I might not have the time today, and asked why not, "He's right across the hall in the nursing home?" Yes, three years before, they had both been in the nursing home across the hall from one another. The jig was up! Those days when it seemed she didn't remember me but was happy all the same to visit, I would just reminisce and mention things, places and events that we shared. Often, she would eventually seem clearer and more comfortable. I would just aim for that. This chit chat would be while I gave her a manicure of some other enjoyable thing like sharing a piece of fudge or playing dominos. Try to find a way for your dad to enjoy your visit whether he remembers you or not, because those moments that are good are still a connection. I suspect the interruption in your visits due to Covid have complicated his memory issues. He must have missed your visits and that feeling still resides within him. As much as it hurts to hear him think this out loud, just try reframing it. I know it must have hurt to not seen your daughter for so long (affirmation), but I'm here now (loving assurance). Those reaffirming and loving words will over time help you as well as him. I also like Alva's idea of the memory book, or photos that you can reminisce over. The visual reminders are great. With mom, we had some favorite songs we would sing together to help underscore the familiar. I also provided prompts for mom and dad to share memories from their childhood or early adult life. Short-term retrieval may not work, but memories from long ago last longer. And write them down. Those memories they shared are precious to me now and provided a unique and previously not known part of their life which I will treasure always.

Bring a small photo book of Dad's life with you in pictures with him from the time you were a baby through school, marriage and up to now. Happily go through these memories with him everytime you visit to reorient him. Maybe leave a copy in his room for when he is alone.
Words like, " I might have changed a bit since I was a little girl, but you haven't dad! Remember when... (something you and he did together... funny times..)
Repeat at beginning of each visit - a pleasant trip down memory lane.
All the best,
C

I would not fight it. Simply say "She is coming to visit you tomorrow." And then when you arrive say "Here I am. I heard you were asking about me. I'm your daughter (name.) I'm glad that you miss me. I miss you dad. Happy to be here now. How is your day? I did this today...(fill in info.)" Sometimes he may recognize you and sometimes not and other times, he will name you but not recognize. I'm sorry. It's not easy. But he cannot help it with a brain disorder such as dementia or alzheimer's. Arguing or insisting he understand will just heighten his anxiety and distress.

Years ago,when I was taking care of my Grandma, I read a book by a nurse who was caring for her own Mom. In it, she described her method to "lead Mom's mind back to the present". She would start by asking her about childhood memories, since they seem to be strongest, even singing familiar nursery rhymes and the "Abc Song", then progress through " And where did you go to High School? Did you go to college? What was your school theme song? Did you date anyone special?" play the wedding march, then showed photos of Mom and new baby, more singing of lullabys and nursery rhymes, all the way up thru her own wedding, more photos, etc. It can take quite a while, but you can lead them back into their own head. A later recommendation that I saw was to actually make a computer slide show, with music and photos, to do the same thing, rather like the video that the girl watches daily at the end of " 50 first dates", to bring her up to speed on the reality that she is married, a mom with two kids, etc. It does not hurt to try...

Perhaps making a photo of yourself with audio can help him. Also your pictures if you and your family can help him recall past memories of you all and quell his fears/anxieties. Calling him so he can hear your voice and visit him regularly can aid his recall memory center better. Above all you Pray for strength wisdom courage and endurance to help you during this time. K.R. May Peace be with you!!

Ann - Sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your Dad. I am going through the exact same thing with my wife who has Parkinson's dementia and was recently diagnosed with Capgras syndrome, which may be what your Dad has. Everything example you you stated has happened to me. I not only help my wife with her physical needs, but I have to deal with her thinking I'm a "friend" with the same name as her husband. She's told me that her husband lives in another city and rarely comes to visit her. It's heart breaking - we've been married over 46 years and for her to thinks I would abandon her just breaks my heart. I've been told that I have to go along with her delusions because arguing with her creates more stress and makes thing worse. The advice I have been getting is to make her feel safe and loved and that's the advice I have for you. I know it's hard and heartbreaking but there isn't anything else we can do. Med's might help a little, but once this thing has started, it won't be reversed. You may still get flashes from you dad where he knows who you are, but they don't last, and to be honest it can be even more painful. When my wife has these flashes of reality, she spends the time crying and asking me where I've been and why don't I stay with her. It's easier when she stays in her delusion, but I say that because I've been living with this for almost 3 years and I'm getting used to it. Hang in there and let your Dad know he's loved and safe.

Juse keep reminding him that it is you and you love him and why you couldn't visit before.

Show him pictures of ya'll together.

Reminese about things ya'll use to do together.

Play music he use to like.

Let him smell familiar things.

Tall about things you remember growing up.

Oh my I am so sorry to hear that. I can imagine that happening with my father. It is heartbreaking. I too will look forward to more informative responses from others. I hope there is a way to help him see it is YOU. I have read that music reaches into dementia in a way other senses do not. Are there any songs that you sang together, or both loved and listened to together? You might try playing them and singing them when you are with him. Sending a virtual hug. -Rachel

My advice is to hang on to a special memory and relive it over and over again.

During the shutdown while visiting thru the window, my mother was obviously distraught because she thought my dad was having an affair with a younger woman. That woman was ME!!!! We never could get her to understand that I was her daughter and it was extremely upsetting for my father that he would be in tears. After visits were allowed, she recognized both my two sisters but never me. I am the only child that lives in town and that visits several times a week. I believe she looks at me as a nurse etc. However, just last week while feeding her between her semi consciousness, she opened her eyes while I was spooning food in her mouth and suddenly blurt out “Why it’s JANET!!!” ( That’s me). Later when my dad and I prepared to leave, we prayed over her and both kissed her goodbye on each cheek simultaneously. In that moment in her sleep she burst into the biggest most beautiful “Grinch” smile one had ever seen!! It was obvious that mom finally felt (at least at that moment) that she was not abandoned and she was pain free, comfortable, being taken care of, and most importantly, LOVED. That moment was a gift from God and THAT is what Dad and I cherish over and over again.

Focus on a wonderful memory and let the bad ones roll away. ❤️