Dad thinks his only daughter (me) deserted him. Is there anything I can say to help him realize it's me?

Annabox,

First, a (((hug))).

It probably wont make you feel any better but periodically this happens to me: Mom talks about me to Me (and it's rarely complementary!) She conjures up the most awful fables about people I feel I need to defend. All too often, the false beliefs of abandonment, theft, indifference, cruelty (in her disordered mind) are connected to those who love her the most and do the most for her. And as you described of your dad, my mom also fades in and out of her delusion like bad radio reception. One minute she's talking about me like I wasn't there, and the next minute she seems to know she's addressing me, her daughter. In and out. Back and forth.

Dear Anna, recognize the neurons in your dad's brain are misfiring. He remembers, loves and values you, his daughter because after all, he's asking for you! But the visual center in his brain no longer recognizes you. I would suggest you emotionally disconnect. I don't mean abandonment, ceasing to care, etc. Rather, recognize the disease for what it is: a memory thief. You can't help it. He can't help it. It's easier to just go along with his delusions. When he asks after Anna, you might make up some pretext for your "absence," i.e., "Anna's on vacation, Anna's got the flu; I'll let her know you miss her," whatever you think might best reassure him.

When my mom attacks a family member for some imagined slight or threat, I say, "Oh Mom, that's just not the Jane I know! She's such a good person to have remembered your birthday last month!", etc. Don't directly challenge. Just say something calming and reassuring.

This disease is an uphill battle with no winners. When we as caregivers think in terms of how we can ease the way for those who are afflicted, it eases the way for ourselves, too. Just know you have a place to come to when your heart is breaking. There are many here who have lived through the pain you're feeling. We get it.

I think your main concern here is calming dad down; letting him know his daughter did NOT desert him and that she loves him. I'm not sure how you go about doing such a thing..........just trying to say I feel your pain and this damned dementia/ALZ is such a cruel and heartbreaking affliction that affects EVERYONE, not just the one who's afflicted with it. We ALL suffer.

I wonder if you rub your dad's head or shoulder and let him know that Ann is away for a few days and unreachable by phone, and that she will call you right away when she gets back home. That Ann loves him very much & is looking forward to visiting with him very soon. I don't know if that will work, but it's worth a try.

Sending you a hug and a prayer that your dad is able to recognize you as his daughter more often in the future.

I hate to say this - he has dementia and that causes horrible things to be said and done that normally would NOT occur. It is absolutely useless fighting and arguing because it won't sink in or they won't believe it. They are o.k. one moment and then the next not. You can't do or say anything to fix it and I doubt any medicine can. Just love them as much as you can and learn to accept what is the case.

Anne, don't despair... Dementia has ups and downs. A year or so ago, my mother thought I was her Carer (I live with her, but had been on holiday, leaving a carer in charge) and she was surprised to hear that I was her late son's sister... "oh, perhaps that's why I feel a connection with you". Time passed by, only a month or so and suddenly she knew who I was again. I hope it will come back to your dad and the "loss of his daughter" will be all forgotten.

I have not read the other reply’s but I will share what happened with my Mom. One day she demand to talk to the real (my name) and was very upset. She would not believe me or my husband when we told her I was the real person. This was my gift on Christmas Day that year. In fact when my husband was near me she got upset thinking he was cheating on me with the worker (me). It upset me just like you said and I remember it clearly to this day 13 years later.

I had to act like the worker, but I continued to care for her with love and calmness. One day she said to me, “I don’t know why, but I have loved you since the first day I met you.” Oh my, knock me over. So you see, with their broken, confused mind, the love and caring can get through. He is not remembering it’s you right now and might always be confused from here on in. But keep loving him. Talk softly, call him Dad/Daddy. If that upsets him, you can say you like to call him that because he seems like a Daddy, if that is ok with him. Do not use the word remember, because he can’t and saying that can upset him.

Use little white lies, by telling him you know she has been away but will be back soon. Try calling him on the phone and see if he will then recognize you. You need to be in his world and as hard as that is, it makes it easier on both of you.

I am now my husbands caregiver and know this day is just around the corner that he won’t know me. I live in the moment and know it is not about what I wish it would be, but it is this way and as long as he is safe and well taken care of, feels my love that is ok. Bless you and keep your love flowing.

While Mom always new it was me so many times her memory failed on so many other parts of her life. I did find that the best way to get past those failings was to keep talking about the things she could remember. In the six years she was in LTC/Assisted living she was introducing me to the caregivers as her daughter even by name - never once remembering she had already done it. We all smiled and said hello. As hard as it is for those who loose their memories, it is equally as hard for those of us who have not. So I found that continuing to act as I always did it helped her to understand that everything in her life was really OK and she need not fret. Sometimes a picture would help. If he has a place to put them, bring some for him. Perhaps some from years ago of both of you together, and of course other relatives also, She often couldn't remember names, but she did remember they were her children, husband, grandchildren, great grandchildren and at last her great great grandchildren. They made her smile. Good luck and god bless, this is not easy. So be easy on yourself. And this COVID thing has made it so much more difficult for our loved ones, so smile for him, hug him and stay strong and easy.

Imho, just keep reminding him of who you are and that you are right in front of him. Prayers sent.

Take a picture with you next time. Sadly, no there's nothing you can do to talk someone out of a recurring episode and even more sadly it will happen again. When dementia people are in this mode you just have to go with it. Maybe just say what you want to say but in the way the goes along with his episode. Like I know your daughter loves you more than anything and would never abandon you. Sorry for your pain my dad has dementia too

Repitition, Keep going back to see him as much as you can. Bring some old photographs other things to spark his memory.

Patiently persistent, hopefully it will come back enough so he knows who you are.

Good luck

HI DAD !! I LOVE YOU.

Do not correct him. and do not fight it. I did, and that was the last time she literally spoke.

Have you seen ann? Yes, I am happy I can visit you again. Or smile. He is in there. be there for him and you. smile..

I don't know if this will work but at least the project will give you something to do - make up a time-lapse photo album showing you (ideally with your Dad) decade by decade, leading up to the present day.

It might be revealing to ask him one or two questions about this "missing" daughter - how old she is, for example, where she's living, what job she does. Might give you a clue about where in time his head has gone to.

It’s not all that uncommon for seniors to manipulate others, and yes there are seniors who have some dementia who are also capable of being manipulative.
Its a possibility since he isn’t happy being there that he really does know it’s you, and is acting as if he doesn’t so he can express his anger at what he feels was abandoning. Instead of repeating “it’s me dad” respond in such a way that affirms the reality without giving attention to her remarks so if he starts telling you about his daughter who deserted him, simply don’t give a response to that at that time,cheerfully change the subject such as “dad look the paper says,..” for example and talk about other things, remember if you give a response it reinforces it. Tell him often “dad I really love you”

with cell phones, it is so easy to snap a pic of you and him right now in the moment, and show it to him. :)

Dad, this is me and you :) !!

can we take another one together now?

This is such a terrible disease. I remember my Mom looking through me the first time she didn't recognize me - it's like getting sucker punched.
Something I would do with Mom is put hymns on my phone to play and lay beside her and talk to her. We would snuggle and she would play with my hair. She couldn't see my face so I think that helped eliminate some confusion. We would spend time just snuggled together singing the hymns or just listening quietly.
She didn't know who I was, but was always comfortable and happy to be with me. She said many times, "we've known each other for a very long time" and I would answer "pretty much my whole life".

Hi I think a lot of us have been through this! It is very distressing.
One thing to try is to take in old albums. I took in my brother's wedding and pointed out photographs of myself with my father and the rest of the family, to remind him. He really enjoyed the photos and seemed to connect me with the daughter he felt he had 'lost'.
At one point he said (accusingly) "I remember you when you looked like that!" I said "Yes Father, I wish I still did. It was 30 years ago!"
That made us both laugh. xx

This disease ravages memories so you may not exist to him as you present. My Mom had vascular dementia and has since passed. I started calling her by her first name and would ask her how old she was. The age changed but I learned a great deal about my Mom through the stored memories that never came up previously. I would reassure your Dad that Ann is not angry with him. You can ask if he would like you to check on her for him. Your actions are to comfort him in his current capacity. I disappeared in my Mom's memory. She aged retro and there came a time that I did not exist, but her grandparents were alive to her and her parents. She could chat up quite a bit about her life as those memories became contemporary.

This is just an absolutely heart-breaking story! I'm so very sorry you had to go through this. Dementia is a wicked, wicked thing and not just for the person suffering. My former MIL died recently after 4.5 years in a memory care facility.

When my "wasband" drove 1,600 miles to visit her, waving through the window, she refused to even look in his direction, despite the nurse's urgings. That will always be his last memory. So sad! He had always been her favorite child.

And my own grandfather, last time I saw him, asked me out on a date...and asked me why I kept calling him "Grandpa". The whole thing really angered my mom, who was then his caregiver.

While nothing can prevent his disease, and little any of us say can soothe your hurt, please know that like the others, I wrap my arms around you and kiss your forehead. You're a good daughter and I honor your kind commitment to him.

Peace.

When I was a kid, I had to volunteer at a senior care home for a specific project. The director instantly disliked me, because I made it clear I was there under duress. She assigned me to the most difficult woman in the whole building, a vicious old lady who threw things, screamed and shrieked. I was 15.

I dug in and befriended her. She told me every single time that she'd just gotten a letter from her daughter and she asked me to read it to her (very loudly!) I must have read that letter 20 times over the 3 months I did my project. On her dresser, she had a photo of a little boy, maybe 5, and a young woman standing next to him. She didn't know who they were...but the letter announced to the old lady that the writer's son had just graduated from college... Eventually, I figured out they were the people in the photo.

No one ever came to visit her. I even checked with the director, and several aides and nurses. I suspect 15-20 years had passed, all alone in that stinky, clinical depressing place. I'd throw things too!

To the OP and all of you who are dealing with this, know that at some deep, unconscious level, what you're doing is still touching their hearts. It still matters to them. Keep up the good work.

Some years ago dad turned everything over to me in the event that the very same thing may happen, and it sure did, he knows zero about who I am and it sickens me to no end so just move forward the best way you can a you will always no that your his daughter forever. It will all work out for you and him......