My Dad (89) was told last week he could no longer drive due to poor eyesight. He believes the Dr is a quack. Advice?

Your profile says Dad has dementia. Reasoning with someone who is losing/has lost the ability to reason is a frustrating exercise in futility.

Stop trying to "convince" him. You know he shouldn't drive. Prevent him from doing so by any means you can devise. Getting his license revoked takes time and it may not even stop him. (Do it anyway, of course.) Making the car undrivable may be the safest approach.

This is soooo hard for him, and for you. I offer you both my sympathies.

doc ' quack ' has more power than a judge but in the end it might be a judge who convinces your dad .. i would narc him out if he drives. to not do so would be criminally negligent .

Dar, if your dad has dementia in addition to his poor vision (as your profile states) then of course you're stupid, because at least in his eyes, you're still a child! Talk to his doc about how to report him to dmv to get his license revoked. "Lose" the car keys.

We've also had comments in the past about disabling his car - removing the starter or whatever it takes. It's one thing if your dad kills himself, but it's another thing if he kills other people with his insistence on driving. So stop him anyway you can.

Thanks all I of course have thought about all of those....the 2nd opinion was greated with i cant take him he will take himself so hes assured i cant set it up....disabelling his car is a no go he will just fix it...i am however thinking of putting a club on it....and just letting him discover it...that will piss him off but better that than killing someone. The eye dr has to write a letter to his reg dr who in turn reports it to the DMV and then they will write a letter to my dad asking him to turn in his licence....that takes time thou and the poor people of our town dont have time.....lol

"Im lost...he wont listen to me thinks im stupid and i dont know what im talking about"

I forgot to say: he thinks no such thing. He thinks he's facing giving up driving and he REALLY doesn't like that. When he says you don't know what you're talking about, or that you're being stupid, this is the accurate translation: "I am desperate and you are not backing me up."

With that I sympathise. I will not be chirpy about it when I have to stop driving, either. But to drive despite his failing eyesight is NOT going to be the answer to his problem. Counting up the money he'll save not running a car - fuel, road tax, insurance, maintenance, parking charges - now, that might cheer him up a bit.

Is his car worth anything? Would its resale price buy him something he's always wanted?

And, by the way, helping him figure out how he's going to get around once he's not driving is very important. Otherwise he'll feel like he's under house arrest.

Darbaby, I'm sorry. You sound so sad and upset, and I don't blame you.

Are your local social services involved with you and your Dad? If not, I wonder if it's time you gave them a ring. He seems to need a lot of support, and given his attitude to you and your own health needs it doesn't seem like a good idea for you to be his main caregiver. Why not give them a call and ask for advice? - you should be able to find contact details on line pretty easily.

By the way, this would not be grassing on him! Most social workers are practical, sensible people who set out to help, that's all. And I think you really need a bit of space to look after yourself, and to recover more from the loss of your mother. Just an idea, take care of yourself x

Move the car to an undisclosed location..

Also I agree with Countrymouse that is very important that you let him know he will not be deserted without a car/license..

Hi Darbaby, When you have the time, it might be a good idea to make a trip to the DMV and explain to an administrator the urgency of the situation and why you need to get that letter in your hands immediately. It's terrible to think that one has to be so devious, or seemingly devious, to one's own parent, but it is the right thing to do. Keep him off the road even if it means a low-grade argument over it. Just think if he were to accidentally strike someone on the road, or cause a serious road accident involving him and other innocent people. I know this must be incredibly difficult, if not darned impossible to do, but we'll all sleep better knowing he is off the road and not a menace to himself and others. --- BIG HUGs ---

I think Countrymouse has given wise and compassionate counsel. Get some help in caring for your dad. You need some peace for your own healing.