What do you do when your Dad (89) says he doesn't need any help?

He sounds like my dad - in attitude. Dad is an Expert in everything - even with regards to doctors, herbal companies and the manufacturer of herbals. What he thinks is accurate. He is a very bitter man. It's his ideas and no others. His way only. My dad also refuses to go to the doctor, clinic or ER because they're all quacks - unlike him (the Expert.) I have learned from the advice here that if I tried to help him until I'm blue in the face, then it's time to back off. He will decide to go to the ER when he can no longer handle the pain. And it's true. Several times since then, he has gone to the ER because he couldn't handle the pain.

I have read here on AC that adult protective services won't step in until he gets hurt. By then, it's like Proof that he can no longer care for himself and now needs outside help. Unfortunately, I don't think they will ever outgrow their stubbornness.

Oh, gosh no more cars please. And alert the Walmart security to keep an eye on him. It would actually do him some good to be caught and punished. The Judge may even order an evaluation. Then the Judge is the bad guy and not you.

Since your father's situation is no-win (let's face it), call Adult Protective Services and ask them for guidance. You may want to step aside completely (that would be my choice), and they might be able to help in that regard.

Don't replace the car. If there's insurance money from the car, use it to fund a home health care visit for a couple days a week, supplementing/complementing his independence as GardenArtist said.

Stop taking him shopping. Just take him groceries - he can give you a list over the phone and you can drop them off once a week. You may have to elder fib to break your availability cycle.

You are probably correct in that you'll just have to wait til something happens before he accepts help. Some old guys don't believe it 'til they see it, and then some still don't believe it.

But now is a good time to at least have an initial conversation of when "it comes to accepting help" starting with your inability and unavailability to go to the store more than once a week. Good luck!

I think the first issue is to find a funding source for the help that he needs, because otherwise to suggest it is to raise an issue that can't be acted on.

Perhaps you could then make suggestions such as that you know he's independent and respect and admire that, and want to ensure he remains so. That's why you're in favor of getting help in to assist him in being strong, remaining flexible, etc. as he ages, and so that you too can remain strong to help him.

Turn the issues into something that will enable him to maintain his sense of strength; maybe that will work.

Oh, I forgot about this. I discovered he has, at least twice, shoplifted from Walmart and a grocery store. It's not forgetful, he buys other things and stuffs minor things inside his jacket and inside his shirt. I now have to follow him around the store. I'm assuming this is dementia related although intentional in that he knows what he is doing. Arrrggggh

Your dad sounds a lot like my mom with all the negativity! As for the car, can you report him to the DMV or Secretary of State? I did that (sometimes there are forms online) and they tested my mom and revoked her license when she failed the test. That's at least one concern removed. The rest, who knows? Your dad probably wants to hold onto his independence as long as possible, which makes sense, but you don't want to worry he hurts himself or others!