Dad roams at night, should we let him be?

About moving parents to facility-
Yes, life often brings us full circle. We care for our parents who cared for us. The temptation is to give instruction, like to a child. But, we must remember, they have lived a whole life, have expressed "how" they wish to live, and "where". Though their abilities wain, their wishes should be honored as much as possible.

About roaming at night-
It's just what happens with mental decline. There are two ways to handle it.
1. You make LO adapt
2. You adapt
It's easier on our LOs for us to do the adapting. Chooch, it sounds like you are already doing the adapting. Good for you! You're mindful of securing the house. You and your siblings are with him at night.
- Like others have said. Sleeping on an incline helps breathing. Maybe he's intuitively improving his sleep, choosing the recliner.
- Maybe try the Cpap machine at the recliner?
- I bought motion sensors to be alerted when my LO goes from room to room.
There are so many things that we caregivers can adapt to while we continue to spend our lives with our parents. Set an overall vision for yourselves - and let that guide you.
For me- my vision/guidance:
-honor LO's lifelong wishes
-shield LO's dignity and autonomy
-maintain safe environment
-appreciate that simplicity is happiness

.... a bit more about adapting
If we make our LO's adapt, it can cause another set of problems.
Medication for sleeping is altering/confusing and leads to possible falls which can be extremely dangerous. New environments are confusing (both facilities and home). Sometimes just letting him change to day clothes will help him feel more comfortable - as you and your siblings are sort of like "company" each night?

My best to you and your family.

It is not worth it to hassle him about it. I have a gate at the top of the stairs for my mother with Alzheimers. She goes back and forth from her bedroom to the bathroom all night long; changes out of her pajamas into day clothes; packs and unpacks all her things... I just let her get back into bed fully dressed. Why hassle her or me? Good luck.

is he taking naps during the day?  sometimes that will disrupt the night time, but in dementia they do have sundowning where they are up at night.  just make sure everything is safe so that he can't get out of house or get into anything that could cause him harm.  I would let him sleep in recliner if that is where he ends up, or you could calming guide him back to bed and let him know that whatever he wants you will get in the morning.  not sure if it will help.  apparently my dad would also get up during night and wander around, get things out and count them, etc. (my mom was with him).  wishing you luck.

Imho, you may NOT be able to keep him at home any longer, e.g. especially since he requires CPAP. Prayers sent.

As long as he can't leave the house or get into places where he could do harm (like the kitchen), it should be OK to let him sleep in the reclining chair.

Keep the house secure - locked so he can't get outside (how - you have to figure that out). Let him use the recliner if he sleeps in it - it won't hurt him. I do it myself. And as to he CPAP, he should be tested and if he needs it, he should use it (but I doubt he will be able to handle that himself). For now, leave him in peace but he may have to be placed sooner rather than later.

It’s not the best setup, but you probably already know that. But staying at night may have been a fight to win. My Papa was the same way. He was staying in his house, end of story. He wouldn’t t let anyone stay. We did our best to accommodate him. It was a lot of work for us, and of course he thought it was a breeze and he did just fine, grrr. He had Parkinson’s so he fell a lot, he also had the beginnings of the dementia that often accompanies it. He got up a lot at night to use the bathroom and to move to the recliner to sleep. He managed to stay home, not entirely successfully, until he became too weak to walk around the house with his walker. Then he went to a wonderful nursing home, where he recovered his strength and did so much better! But he needed the structure they provided, so he didn’t go back home.

So you may be able to continue this way for while. Just”baby proof” the house. If you think he may cook (even if it seems far fetched), remove the burner knobs before you go to bed, just to be safe. You’ll know when the current setup can’t work and something else needs to be done.

Hang in there. This is exhausting work. Take mini breaks when you can.

Chooch:

Sure, if the house is secure and all loose rugs removed, he does not smoke, and he won't start a fire....., let him roam.

He is not a child that has to get up for school in the morning.

Sleeping in the recliner is common because older folks often have heartburn or breathing difficulties and sleeping in a raised position facilitates breathing and prevents acids from rising up the esophagus, with heartburn issues.

Exactly! In answer to Loopy Loo who questioned trying to keep a loved one in their home when it’s no longer safe or healthy for them or you!

I understand the desire to keep a loved one in their own home. However, once they reach a certain point physically or mentally, you’re not doing them or yourself any kindness by trying to keep them at home.

There are many wonderful facilities available with trained professionals to care for your loved one. They also benefit from socialization with others their age and a schedule, as well as 24/7 care, meals, laundry, etc. You can visit them as family, not their caregiver and enjoy time with them in small doses - better for everyone.

If your loved one has lived 90+ years and may have lost their spouse, they’ve lived a good life and may even express their desire to join loved ones in Heaven.

I believe in making sure my Dad (Mom passed away in 2019 after 75 years of marriage) who is 98, is happy and cared for - he lives in a senior community in Independent Living ( he moved back to IL after my Mom passed, as they lived in AL for her care.)

It’s like raising kids again...pick your battles and realize what’s best for them and YOU. Dad wants chicken tenders for every dinner, insists on an alarm set for 4:30am, dozes throughout the day and is extremely regimented but if he’s happy, I’m happy and I can’t advise him on things just because I wouldn’t want it that way! It’s his way of having some control of his life!

Hugs and prayers to all of you other caregivers/loved ones! It’s incredibly hard to watch your parents slip away, but it’s inevitable and you need to enjoy every minute with them without the stress to them and you of being responsible for their care.

Absolutley, Dad proof tve house andet him roam and sleep in his recliner.

My 96 yr old Dad prefers his Recliner to sleep in as he seems to think it's more comfortable.

Rowning gives your Dad something to do and it's good exercise.

Kiddie Proof the Home lock cabinets and drawers cover sockets keep chemicals away make sure he cant trip on anything on the floor lock the fridge at night ... i would let him sleep on his recliner as long as he doesnt fall off !

I kept my mom awake during the day so she would sleep all night. It worked. I let her drink coffee and Mountain Dew during the morning, and that really helped. She had the worst Alzheimer's disease including wandering out in the neighborhood. So I had to get my entire yard fenced with an electronic gate. When they wander their care becomes 24/7 supervision. You can NEVER leave them alone, so imagine what that did to my mind after 6 years of this stage of her Alzheimer's. Wandering is when they get into the later stages of this disease.

I had to make sure she stayed awake during the day so she was 24/7 supervision, but it worked. She slept all night. Although I also had to get a floor alarm -- the moment she stepped on it it would sound an alarm. That was usually due to toileting.

Falls are the leading cause of death among the elderly. One fall can be the "game changer" and they can end up permanently bed ridden. FALL PREVENTION helps a lot.

The CDC has a good article on fall prevention here:
https://www.cdc.gov/falls/index.html

One out of five falls cause injury, disability or death.

A lot of people will tell you to use drugs, but be mindful those increase the likelihood of falls. Now if they become a behavior problem such as acting aggressively, a person will have no choice. But since mom was in her home and familiar routines I never had a problem with that. I used exercise (walks) when she got the "crazies" and it would calm her down.

My mom ended up bedridden after 15 years of Alzheimer's disease, but I kept her moving so she was bedridden for the last 2-1/2 months of her life. It really was a struggle to keep her moving. Until she forgot how to stand. Still, two years on hospice, and ended up with a feeding tube, mom was very comfortable and felt secure and loved, and not once did hospice ever have to use any psychotropics or narcotics. Her death was incredibly peaceful. Despite her insulin-dependent diabetes, chronic kidney disease and liver disease those issues killed her--not Alzheimer's and she made it to age 90.

Once they get bedridden their care becomes extremely difficult with turning, and keeping their bowels moving at a schedule. I had to get mom's bowels moving every Tues, Thursdays and Sundays with lactulose so her feeding tube made it very easy to administer--but that feeding tube takes ***A LOT*** of work to keep clean, patent, and free of infection. Bedridden is something you want to avoid at all costs. That's why I kept my mom moving (I walked her in the park daily for five years). It was a lot of work but it also made her daily care easier.

I worked in Sleep Medicine for a number of years. At 94, and with Dementia, Cpap is not a battle worth fighting. I wouldn't worry about him sleeping in a recliner either. Plenty of elderly people do that.

It is far safer to have the elderly you are caring for in bed at night. Falls are very serious and can be extremely painful and be the end for them. Medication can help regulate sleep patterns.
Keeping them up more during the day and creating a schedule is best.
If your own sleep is getting disturbed, that is not good either.
It is not Ok to allow him to sleep without the CPAP if one was prescribed. CPAPs can safe lives. Sleep deprivation can cause falling too.
Create a scheduld, speek to a doctor, get medication to help with this.

I definitely can relate to that. My 87 year old mom one time got up got dressed, had her purse, and tried to walk out the front door at about 2 in the morning. She more or less stopped doing that but I am still afraid of her getting up and trying to cook something at night and leaving a burner on even though she hasn't cooked in years.

I, too fretted about placing mom during pandemic but when it was obvious that she was no longer safe in her independent apartment (the house had been sold two years prior), we moved her to residential assisted living. Best decision we ever made. She’s on a fixed schedule for meds, meals, bathing, eating, and socializing which has made her a much better sleeper. Since she has always been a Florence nightingale sort she helps the “old people” who aren’t as mobile as she is. Mind you, she’s legally blind. Yesterday she said she “loves it...I have people who I can remember with”. She’s 95.

Talk to his doctor about the sleep walking. I am more concerned that he needs his CPAP and will not be wearing it if he sleeps in his recliner. Ask his doctor to check for prostate problems because that "gotta go, gotta" go feeling may be making it hard to rest. Also make sure that dad is not getting too much sleep during the day since it robs him of the sleep he needs at night. His doctor may be able to prescribe a sleep medication to help him stay asleep.

Thought - It might be time to get a sitter -or take turns being the sitter - that stays up all night to redirect him back to bed every time he gets up.

It sounds to me like it’s not a question of wandering outside, it’s the wandering inside that you’re concerned about? If that’s the case, some type of alarm either in the bed or on the floor next to the bed would be good, to alert you that he’s up. Although your father may not need 24 hour supervision at this time, he should be supervised while he is wandering at night.
The cpap is really important (makes sure he’s getting oxygen throughout the night, lack of oxygen can lead to further confusion), as long as he is tolerating it. if this is a new piece of equipment you could talk to his doctor about potential alternatives.
Sometimes we get caught up in doing things the way we believe they “should” or used to be done. I would suggest looking at the individual issues (sleeping in his recliner, etc) and thinking about if these behaviors really matter in the big picture. As long as he’s safe and healthy, trying to control too much may drive you and him nuts. 💕

Wow!!!!!
just reading about the houdinis was frightening.
I got an alarm mat from amazon.
I had to place it beneath his sheet since he used any padding etc for a blanket. However... when he got out of bed or even off the mat ( it did slip a bit) I got an alarm.
an added nest camera allowed me to see what he was doing ( he left frequent “gifts” in unlikely places).
He was also unsteady and would not use a walker:
There are also mats for the floor beside the bed and other items most likely, but that worked for us.

There’s no real problem in sleeping in a recliner – that’s the least of the worries. I sleep flat on the floor when my back is crook, it’s quite safe and more comfortable for me. Is he OK without the Cpap? Could you set him up in the chair with the Cpap instead of sending him to bed? If the house is fairly safe (no stairs etc) and the exit doors are secured, perhaps it isn’t worth the hassle, as you asked. At age 94, if he passes painlessly without the Cpap, many of us would think that it’s not a bad way to go.

My Husband "escaped" a few times and I had keyed locks on the INSIDE of the house, I wore keys around my neck for about 5 years and he still managed to get out.
Don't take any chances.
If you can put a child proof door knob cover on the door knob that MIGHT keep him from getting out.
A friend told me of someone she knew that attached more door knobs to the door so that it would confuse her husband as to what one would open the door.
I have heard that a dark rug in front of the door may stop some from getting near the door but personally I had no area rugs in the house as they are a trip hazard as well ad difficult to get a walker, wheelchair or other equipment over.
Door alarms are also an option. Many stores have an infrared eye that will ring a bell or buzzer if someone walks through the door. Something like that might be good for his bedroom door so that you know when he leaves his room. (I am sure you sleep at night so this would alert you if you did doze off.)
I would also get a tracking device that he can not remove so that if he does get out he can be located easily.

I think you’d be surprised what this wandering can turn into. My sweet aunt, while being ravaged by Alzheimer’s, was kept in her “well secured” home. One night, despite extensive locks and precautions, she left and wandered the community, depositing all of her jewelry from her jewelry chest in ditches and yards along the way. It was terrifying, and only by the grace of God and kind law enforcement that she made it back home. Don’t believe that the wandering can’t take a terrible turn. I well know the desire to keep someone home, but there’s also a point that it’s not sustainable by family and unsafe for all. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this

No, it’s dangerous to let him roam and his home is no longer a safe place for him. Why is it the goal to keep him home when he’s reached a level of care you and siblings can no longer give?