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My dad passed away Monday. My routine for the past 4 years was a short visit to dad at least 5 days a week. Yesterday I took a mental health break and when I was driving home I glanced at the clock and thought I’m going to visit dad a bit late today. I realized then that I won’t have to do that anymore. How do I stop this thought process. I’m sure it’s part of the grieving process.

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For the past two years my MIL has been in a nursing home and my husband insists on visiting here practically every day. I don't think this is necessary at all. So tired of this routine.
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Lymie61 Aug 2018
Is your MIL still at the NH or has she passed? If she hasn't passed I can certainly understand why this might be a bit much for you but have you considered that perhaps your husband insists on it because he get's something out of it, it's important to him? Do you have to go with him everyday? Maybe you should start by staying behind one or two days a week, let him go on his own and then increase that to every other day and keep slowly dropping days until you are finding the balance that works for you and letting him go as often as gives him what he needs. It's funny, I think for some of us the responsibility of being the caregiver overshadows the pleasure of spending real time with our LO and once they move onto the NH environment where others are doing the "jobs" we can once again visit, just spend time getting to know them again and getting every minute of that we can, while we can.
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Your dad must have been a good Dad for you to miss him so much.

Whenever you miss him, it might help to remind yourself that he is likely surrounded by the relatives and friends that he knew, when he was young and healthy.

When my grandfather died, I was standing in front of his coffin and suddenly, but briefly, it seemed as if a window opened over the coffin and I saw images of my grandfather and grandmother in their 20s.

Inside the window they were running in a beautiful field chasing each other like children and when they each caught the other they would hug and kiss, and then the image disappeared.

I like to believe that image was glimpse into the afterworld that my grandfather gave me as a gift, rather than simply my imagination.

The fact that they looked young sort of clinched it for me, because I only saw one photograph of them in their youth and they were both well into their 50s, when I was born.

I always remember this window glimpse and it gives me comfort.
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I was in same situation when my uncle passed away six months ago. I was super close with him and his caretaker as well. I visited like you did. My uncle was still able to go out to bingo and the casino also. I put so much of my stuff behind I'm just starting to catch up things I put off. I also volunteered with a fundraiser which kept me super busy. The fundraiser is over and I am taking a break to get caught up but I will find something else to keep me busy. I'm in grief counseling and for now I try not to drive by the nursing home or hospital. It's really hard for me bc he was going home from hospital then he got mrsa in hospital which I feel they could have got antibiotics sooner than what they did. So the more I accept he is gone the more I realize he's not waiting for me anymore. It's hard but time will take the habit away.
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Just talk with your friends about your good memories of your dad. It’ll take time for you to heal.
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So sorry for your loss! You are correct, that what you are going through is part of the grieving process. I would suggest maybe doing something you and your dad liked to do together when you feel the urge to go visit him, or look at pictures of fun times you guys had together? That's what I do when I miss my dad.
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Sorry about your loss. It is a normal part of the grieving process and the thoughts will fade away in time. I wouldn't try to force it. Even three years after my son died, I saw a young man, who resembled my son, in a car with another province's license plates. My first very quick thought was "Oh that's where he has been all this time." followed by releasing it wasn't him at all and this was one of those brain tricks, . For the first year I had a hard time in the grocery store seeing the foods I would have bought for him. Once in a while now, 16 years later, something can still trigger the grief. Be kind to yourself. Grief is a difficult journey. (((((hugs))))
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I am sorry to hear that your Dad passed, you have to be gentle on yourself now and realize that your routine was a gift to be able to spend quality time with each other. And so you will probably still be checking back when you are distracted. I would do something like leave a plant there for the others and when you find that you want to go or accidentally turn up you just water the plant and greet the staff or residents. Be strong, hug someone today and thank God for his life. And maybe you could start yoga or some activity at the same time for a while.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Time is the only thing I can tell you and it takes along time for the grief it never goes away but, it is less in time.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. It will take some time before the pain starts to ease a little, though it never goes away.
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Seems your dad has recently died, so you are still mentally in familiar routine. After my mother died, I often thought about calling her to check up. It took several months before my thinking adjusted. Still sometimes, I think of things she would've liked to hear and then realize she cannot hear these things anymore. My mother died 15 years ago. Your parent will always be in your thoughts!
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find a hobby to substitute what you did during visits to dad to help your grieving process.
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I am so very sorry to hear this. How do you go on? Well, you can come on here for comfort. You can join grief comfort groups and you can also turn to the Lord in prayer because HE will get you through.
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It was similarly difficult and painful when my husband passed away after a long illness 20 years ago last month. I celebrate our anniversary every year in some way. Tomorrow is our anniversary, and I will be going on a short vacation alone and think of him and toast our life together as I watch the sunset tomorrow night. And then spend some relaxing time reading, I hope a bunch of books, and sightsee a bit before returning home.

There were many times at the beginning I thought about ...Oh, I need to tell him about whatever it was that couldn't wait ... and immediately was so sad at not being able to do so in person. But I talked then to him off in Heaven and still do from time to time. It took a long time for that kind of remindful pain to ease off, but it started getting easier somewhere along the way.

You will make it, but let yourself grieve as you need to and in the time you need to do it. This too will pass... and keep a special place in your heart.
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When I saw your question I had to open this up to see what the responses were as the same thing happened to me. Every day for 18 months I would leave the house at 4 PM to feed my wife who had Alzheimer's and spend a few hours with her. If I could not make the 4 Pm time I would come for breakfast or lunch. I did not even have to set my watch I just was ready to go at 4 Pm. I asked myself what do I do with that time now?
I did find other outlets but for many weeks I was ready to get into the car. As I read responses it seems to be normal and a lot of good response on how to move on in different ways. Good luck to you and sorry for the loss.
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My son died 25 1/2 years ago and i still miss him. Call me crazy but i dont care ... i still talk to him. If theres a heaven i truly believe he'll hear.

So drive past the nh home and say something like ... thats where you used to live but now we can spend more time together.

Aging ... i think that the candy canes are a great idea !
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A dear friend whose parents both had died, when my mom passed, said to me, "It takes a long time." Whenever I felt that hurt, I remembered that, tried to honor and respect their memory, and waited for it to get better. It does get better in time.
My dad died 23 years ago. I couldn't even go into that NH without bursting into tears for years.
Still, there are little things--questions I could have asked them about family and how to do things-- that will always come up, although less and less as we learn other coping mechanisms. That's why it takes time.
I always got my dad a big peppermint stick for Xmas. Now, when I see them in the store, instead of crying, I buy one. When I see an older gentleman alone, I ask him if he would like to have it in honor of my dad.
God bless you in your time of grief, and give you faith for your future.
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Caring42 Jul 2018
Dear Sweet Agingmyself,

You said so well how I fell at 8 months out.  Time.... I hope so.
Thank you
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Why don’t daily routine going to the park at the same time every time you use to go to visit your dad.
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Very sorry for your loss but things will get easier over time. Lost my 94 year old mother 2 years ago. Sharp as a tack but in nursing home the last 15 months. I usually called her on the way home from work and it was really hard for about 6 months as I often grabbed my cellphone to call her. Takes a long time- often when things come up my brain thinks to call her to get her thoughts. Still hurts like hell when that happens.
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My thoughts are with you at this time, no matter how long it's been coming or how distant the person you grew up with might have become their passing is always a loss and losses aren't just easily overcome. You have a lot of great suggestions here and I feel sure you will do the ones that feel right to you. Don't put pressure on yourself about how much time it should take or how you should or shouldn't feel. I think the process is just that, a process and different for each of us just as is't different for each person we loose in out lives and I encourage you to let it happen naturally. Maybe it's doing something you used to do together or something that he loved or just something that makes you feel close to him or spend time with another family member you have been missing. Visit the NH he was in and the people you became close to there, my guess is you will very naturally start dong that less and less, other things will come up as they should, isn't that the way our lives and schedules work we prioritize. When your dad first moved into the facility you made the time each day to go see him because it was important to you, something got moved out of the way even if it was your personal down time and something will come up that has a higher priority to you than going to see your adopted family there, maybe 2 times a week, then 3 and so on until you pop in once a month and then send cards and or things change naturally the way another poster talked about. You do what feels right for you and carry your dad with you as you go. My guess is you already carry the best of him with you. Lot's of love is with you.
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I have had the same experience. Little things can trigger that impulse. I used to bring mom grapenut pudding from a local restaurant when it was fresh out of the oven. I walked into the restaurant the other day, could smell the delicious cinnamon, and found myself thinking I should bring some to her.....Since I have been going to the nursing home to see my dad 2014-2017 and then my mom for 2017-2018, visiting them in the nursing home has been a significant part of my daily routine. During that time, I became friends with other residents there and staff. I have found it helpful to go back occasionally to visit dad's roommate, and a lovely resident and her devoted husband who spends every afternoon with her. They still need a little tlc and my quick hello is a way for me to adjust to my parents absence.
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This would not work for everyone...As my sister tells me... I have resumed eating the evening meal at the AL where my folks we at.  I spent most every Tuesday evening meal with them.. first at their home and later at the AL.  Close to 4 years....  I guess in watching the facility grow and the clients change, I saw those who had no one come to visit them..  So I arranged with the staff to come in and spend a meal a week with those whose family is too far away........... Yes, I waited several weeks before doing this.  But it just seemed natural to go and do this.   It takes my mind off of my own loss.  The ones that light up with a smile, Just Like Mom, are the ones I really enjoy being there for!
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Caring42 Jul 2018
You are a hero, with a huge heart.  I am sure your visits are healing, for you and each resident.  Thank you.
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I’m sorry for your loss. I too felt the same after my mother passed. I started volunteering. Changed my life. My mother loved the Zoo and so I chose to help there. Good luck.
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Sorry for your loss and grief lasts a long time. Maybe you could do something nice for yourself during that time which allows you to reflect on your love and appreciation for your Dad. Maybe that time of day previously spent visiting your Dad could be your special time now to recharge rather than feeling you need to push those thoughts away...
Just an idea to work out living with your grief which never really goes away but the pain can soften with time and acknowledgment. Best to you...
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When my sister passed away in 2011 I received a sympathy card from a cousin that hasn't talked to me for years. My first instinct was to pick up the phone and call my sis. It does get easier.
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Prayers to all losing a parent. I lost my uncle in January who was like a dad to me. Not.only wash so close to him but I was his caretaker as well. He depended on me for everything and to fix things for him. His death was not a peaceful one. For someone who I could always talk to his lost his ability to talk and just screamed my name trying to tell me something. I tend to beat myself up for things I missed. I keep telling myself it was in God's hands not mine. That I gave him the best care I could and that he would not want me to be like this. I know he wouldn't! I think it just takes time for the sting to lessen. It will always be noticed he is gone but in my heart forever. I volunteer and help others and keep doing the things we liked to do together.
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Caring42 Jul 2018
Regrets are difficult, but you were there for your uncle.

My father's death in the last year was not peaceful.  Perhaps that ties in with regrets.  Whenever, I feel regret, I simply say out loud, "I love you Dad."  and take a deep breath.             Geez I miss him.......
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Hi Twin,
I’m an activity director who recently took some time off. The best way to remember your dad is to volunteer to lead or sponsor an activity that your dad enjoyed it could be an ice cream social, rosary, gardening, horse shoes, corn hole. It could be a one time event or once a month.
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wi57twin Jul 2018
I’m thinking of stopping in at Happy Hour. Dad always enjoyed his beer at happy hour.
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Sorry about your Dad, just lost my Mom. I think it’s just time, drive a different route, cry all the stuff that allows we are hurting and our lives have changed. Again just time...prayers and hugs!
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Hi wi57twin. I am so sorry for Your great loss and so many of Us know only too well the great pain You are feeling. The pain We feel of loosing Our Parents remains though in time We did learn to cope, We must as Life must go on. When You remind Yourself that Your Dad Lived a good long and full Life and died in Grace and His Soul is now with the Lord it will bring You great peace and hope that one day You will meet again on the other side, many years from now. Visit Your Dads Grave often so that Your mind will adjust and You will get a greater realisation that Your Dad is no longer Here.
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I'm sorry for your loss.
Although I still have my mom she has been mentally withdrawn for years, but I often think of something - fleetingly - that I must ask her. Recently I made a decision that it wasn't benefiting either of us for me to hover over her at meal times but I find myself fidgeting and worrying at home when I don't go.... I think part of it is simply habit, no matter how we spend our days a recurring routine is hard to break away from. I know that when I no longer need to visit at all I will be completely adrift, even when I'm not physically with her I am spending time on sites like AgingCare.
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jazzie6015 Jul 2018
Hi Cwillie....I just wanted to say I hope you still visit...her mind is not there...but if you don't visit and show no interest she may not be taken care of....she deserves to live out her life with dignity..i have seen how the ones that have no visitors are treated...sad....please finish out and make sure she is properly taken care of...just her face should mean something...
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