Dad passed away after 4 years in assisted living. How do I let go from my daily visits?

I’m sorry for your loss. I think you’ll find many here that have been on the path you’re traveling now. When I lost my mom I can’t tell you how often I’d think of something I needed to tell her about, my kids would do something and I’d immediately think of letting her know, or there’d be something in the news or of local interest and I’d want to reach out to tell mom. Then it would hit like a hammer that I couldn’t do that anymore. The thought process doesn’t change quickly, we’re ingrained with sharing life with our family members. The old saying about time healing all wounds is somewhat true, time does help. You come to a place where you less often think in terms of calling or visiting and more often think of memories of the good times. I wish you the best as you adjust to this new normal, it’s not easy, but let the good memories come it and be of comfort as you can

I am sorry for the loss of your dad. You're right, you will be jolted over and over again about the schedule you kept and the thought you should be visiting your dad. I called my mom at 8 AM and again at 6 PM if I wasn't over there seeing her. After she passed away, I'd jolt myself thinking I needed to call. The 8 AM calls were the first to drop off my radar. The 6 PM ones were harder to let go because they interrupted my daily life more. But bit by bit, that faded away too.

Mom's been gone for 14 months. Now I will think of her when I see something she'd have liked (the pictures of the christening of the newest British Royal baby, Louis is the latest) that I'd be sure she saw. They are all fond memories now. {{{Hugs}}}

I honestly don't see anything wrong in the daily visits while you adjust to his passing. It's a part of grief. And it's still quite fresh and painful.

What I began doing, and found it very helpful, was to record my "conversations" that I might have had by journaling. So instead of calling and discussing something, I type it on my computer.

Thus far it's been easier to type it, but I'm thinking that at some point I'll print it out and save it in a lovely journal decorated with photos and/or mementos relating to the various thoughts I've cherished.

We used to frequently stop for a Dairy Queen after medical appointments. I might glue on the medical appointment card, and add a photo of a DQ blizzard.

When it really helps is when the loneliness becomes overwhelming, or when I have to research a question that I could have asked him and gotten an answer from someone with experience in so many aspects of life.

Thanks for the answers but another question is I’ve become friends with staff over the years and it’s like I have to break up with them due to dad’s passing.

Is your dad buried in a cemetery or are his remains elsewhere? Perhaps visit his final resting place during this adjustment phase. Personally, I would send a food basket to the staff with a thank you card and then I would stop going to visit your friends while they're working. Have you thought about throwing a celebration of your dad's life at a nearby restaurant and inviting the staff?

We visited the staff a number of times, it was good to visit with them. Over time, some staff changed and the ones there were busy with other residents, it became more distant. We do still keep in touch with a couple of families that were there at the same time. There’s nothing wrong with staying in contact, but you may find it changes over time

Spent twelve years visiting MIL, I like to think of her now away on a trip with her old friends enjoying her freedom and having fun and her wishing the same for me.

I’m going to schedule a meeting with the director to ask about some sort of thank you for the staff as well as permanent remembrance. I may stop in occasionally for happy hour but I do need to remember that the staff have their jobs to do.

It has been over 2 years since my Mom passed away and I still get these fleeting thoughts when I drive near the home we lived in many years ago. I feel like I haven't seen my parents in so long and I really should be getting over there...then I realize they are not there and haven't been for many years. The thought only lasts a second. What makes things worse for me is that before her decline she lived across the street from us....I still look out my window and some days I feel she is in that home, though I sold it and know there are new people there, and she was bedridden here on hospice in my home before she passed away for a long time. Her home stood empty during this time as I couldn't bring myself to sell it then. We are hoping to move someday, but now have to care for my MIL so we are on hold. These thoughts have begun to lessen over time...but I still have them once in awhile and they pop up out of the blue. I keep telling myself that Mom is safe in Heaven now, that nothing bad can get her.

You never get over the loss of a parent, but you do eventually learn how to adapt. Dying and death are unavoidable. The awful thing about death is you will never be able to see, hear or touch them again. I don't care how old they are--you NEVER get over that kind of loss. Other than photos and memories, they are gone. Since you dad died recently, you are going through a very natural process. Give yourself time to grieve...just let yourself grieve. Meanwhile keep in *close* contact with friends--the best gift they can give to you is simply listen to you grieving. Your mind is trying to process what has happened. At least your dad was in an assisted living, which means he had some of his mind left. My mom has severe Alzheimer's and I'm her full time caregiver and when she dies I'll be a total basket case--I would not be able to cope with that since I see and attend to her every moment..for years. at least you are kind of used to being on your own.

Wow.  I was thinking this SAME thing.  I visit my dad everyday at the nursing home on my lunch hour and he is not doing very well now.  I was thinking to myself that one day I won't have to go there on my lunch anymore.   It's going to be so hard to adjust too...

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.  Hugs to you.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Although I still have my mom she has been mentally withdrawn for years, but I often think of something - fleetingly - that I must ask her. Recently I made a decision that it wasn't benefiting either of us for me to hover over her at meal times but I find myself fidgeting and worrying at home when I don't go.... I think part of it is simply habit, no matter how we spend our days a recurring routine is hard to break away from. I know that when I no longer need to visit at all I will be completely adrift, even when I'm not physically with her I am spending time on sites like AgingCare.

Hi wi57twin. I am so sorry for Your great loss and so many of Us know only too well the great pain You are feeling. The pain We feel of loosing Our Parents remains though in time We did learn to cope, We must as Life must go on. When You remind Yourself that Your Dad Lived a good long and full Life and died in Grace and His Soul is now with the Lord it will bring You great peace and hope that one day You will meet again on the other side, many years from now. Visit Your Dads Grave often so that Your mind will adjust and You will get a greater realisation that Your Dad is no longer Here.

Sorry about your Dad, just lost my Mom. I think it’s just time, drive a different route, cry all the stuff that allows we are hurting and our lives have changed. Again just time...prayers and hugs!

Hi Twin,
I’m an activity director who recently took some time off. The best way to remember your dad is to volunteer to lead or sponsor an activity that your dad enjoyed it could be an ice cream social, rosary, gardening, horse shoes, corn hole. It could be a one time event or once a month.

Prayers to all losing a parent. I lost my uncle in January who was like a dad to me. Not.only wash so close to him but I was his caretaker as well. He depended on me for everything and to fix things for him. His death was not a peaceful one. For someone who I could always talk to his lost his ability to talk and just screamed my name trying to tell me something. I tend to beat myself up for things I missed. I keep telling myself it was in God's hands not mine. That I gave him the best care I could and that he would not want me to be like this. I know he wouldn't! I think it just takes time for the sting to lessen. It will always be noticed he is gone but in my heart forever. I volunteer and help others and keep doing the things we liked to do together.

When my sister passed away in 2011 I received a sympathy card from a cousin that hasn't talked to me for years. My first instinct was to pick up the phone and call my sis. It does get easier.

Sorry for your loss and grief lasts a long time. Maybe you could do something nice for yourself during that time which allows you to reflect on your love and appreciation for your Dad. Maybe that time of day previously spent visiting your Dad could be your special time now to recharge rather than feeling you need to push those thoughts away...
Just an idea to work out living with your grief which never really goes away but the pain can soften with time and acknowledgment. Best to you...

I’m sorry for your loss. I too felt the same after my mother passed. I started volunteering. Changed my life. My mother loved the Zoo and so I chose to help there. Good luck.

This would not work for everyone...As my sister tells me... I have resumed eating the evening meal at the AL where my folks we at.  I spent most every Tuesday evening meal with them.. first at their home and later at the AL.  Close to 4 years....  I guess in watching the facility grow and the clients change, I saw those who had no one come to visit them..  So I arranged with the staff to come in and spend a meal a week with those whose family is too far away........... Yes, I waited several weeks before doing this.  But it just seemed natural to go and do this.   It takes my mind off of my own loss.  The ones that light up with a smile, Just Like Mom, are the ones I really enjoy being there for!

I have had the same experience. Little things can trigger that impulse. I used to bring mom grapenut pudding from a local restaurant when it was fresh out of the oven. I walked into the restaurant the other day, could smell the delicious cinnamon, and found myself thinking I should bring some to her.....Since I have been going to the nursing home to see my dad 2014-2017 and then my mom for 2017-2018, visiting them in the nursing home has been a significant part of my daily routine. During that time, I became friends with other residents there and staff. I have found it helpful to go back occasionally to visit dad's roommate, and a lovely resident and her devoted husband who spends every afternoon with her. They still need a little tlc and my quick hello is a way for me to adjust to my parents absence.

My thoughts are with you at this time, no matter how long it's been coming or how distant the person you grew up with might have become their passing is always a loss and losses aren't just easily overcome. You have a lot of great suggestions here and I feel sure you will do the ones that feel right to you. Don't put pressure on yourself about how much time it should take or how you should or shouldn't feel. I think the process is just that, a process and different for each of us just as is't different for each person we loose in out lives and I encourage you to let it happen naturally. Maybe it's doing something you used to do together or something that he loved or just something that makes you feel close to him or spend time with another family member you have been missing. Visit the NH he was in and the people you became close to there, my guess is you will very naturally start dong that less and less, other things will come up as they should, isn't that the way our lives and schedules work we prioritize. When your dad first moved into the facility you made the time each day to go see him because it was important to you, something got moved out of the way even if it was your personal down time and something will come up that has a higher priority to you than going to see your adopted family there, maybe 2 times a week, then 3 and so on until you pop in once a month and then send cards and or things change naturally the way another poster talked about. You do what feels right for you and carry your dad with you as you go. My guess is you already carry the best of him with you. Lot's of love is with you.

Very sorry for your loss but things will get easier over time. Lost my 94 year old mother 2 years ago. Sharp as a tack but in nursing home the last 15 months. I usually called her on the way home from work and it was really hard for about 6 months as I often grabbed my cellphone to call her. Takes a long time- often when things come up my brain thinks to call her to get her thoughts. Still hurts like hell when that happens.

Why don’t daily routine going to the park at the same time every time you use to go to visit your dad.

A dear friend whose parents both had died, when my mom passed, said to me, "It takes a long time." Whenever I felt that hurt, I remembered that, tried to honor and respect their memory, and waited for it to get better. It does get better in time.
My dad died 23 years ago. I couldn't even go into that NH without bursting into tears for years.
Still, there are little things--questions I could have asked them about family and how to do things-- that will always come up, although less and less as we learn other coping mechanisms. That's why it takes time.
I always got my dad a big peppermint stick for Xmas. Now, when I see them in the store, instead of crying, I buy one. When I see an older gentleman alone, I ask him if he would like to have it in honor of my dad.
God bless you in your time of grief, and give you faith for your future.

My son died 25 1/2 years ago and i still miss him. Call me crazy but i dont care ... i still talk to him. If theres a heaven i truly believe he'll hear.

So drive past the nh home and say something like ... thats where you used to live but now we can spend more time together.

Aging ... i think that the candy canes are a great idea !

When I saw your question I had to open this up to see what the responses were as the same thing happened to me. Every day for 18 months I would leave the house at 4 PM to feed my wife who had Alzheimer's and spend a few hours with her. If I could not make the 4 Pm time I would come for breakfast or lunch. I did not even have to set my watch I just was ready to go at 4 Pm. I asked myself what do I do with that time now?
I did find other outlets but for many weeks I was ready to get into the car. As I read responses it seems to be normal and a lot of good response on how to move on in different ways. Good luck to you and sorry for the loss.

It was similarly difficult and painful when my husband passed away after a long illness 20 years ago last month. I celebrate our anniversary every year in some way. Tomorrow is our anniversary, and I will be going on a short vacation alone and think of him and toast our life together as I watch the sunset tomorrow night. And then spend some relaxing time reading, I hope a bunch of books, and sightsee a bit before returning home.

There were many times at the beginning I thought about ...Oh, I need to tell him about whatever it was that couldn't wait ... and immediately was so sad at not being able to do so in person. But I talked then to him off in Heaven and still do from time to time. It took a long time for that kind of remindful pain to ease off, but it started getting easier somewhere along the way.

You will make it, but let yourself grieve as you need to and in the time you need to do it. This too will pass... and keep a special place in your heart.

I am so very sorry to hear this. How do you go on? Well, you can come on here for comfort. You can join grief comfort groups and you can also turn to the Lord in prayer because HE will get you through.