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Dad was suddenly deathly ill 3.5 yrs ago and now his heart has gotten a little stronger and doing much better...whew !!! However, his blood pressure, anxiety and increasing paranoia has gotten extremely bad. He is very resistant to aging (I understand this) but his is exceptionally paranoid about his money !!! He is 82 yrs old, and won't listen to reason that he needs to do something with his annuity that is in his name alone ... he also has ALOT of cash in his home and won't listen to reason to put it somewhere safe...he is also VERY paranoid about his monthly cash; I take him and my mom a LARGE amount of cash each at the same time each month...the only thing they buy is household food, a few odds and ends (maybe total $ 100) and go to the casino every wk or every other wk and play off only their winnings (less than $ 200)...so I know Dad is stashing it at home. He showed my son where it is kept 3.5 yrs ago but now he is paranoid and won't show anyone...what if something happens to Dad and then we don't know where it is ??? He is increasing forgetful, loses focus, doesn't remember important things to him (his grandson) and tends to get very very mean from time to time. I have talked to his PCP about it and he is starting to test Dad for memory issues; this puts Dad into a tailspin !!! Dad is starting to lose his hygiene (he never really did take showers or brush his teeth regularly) and he is starting to talk about goofy things/inappropriate things in public and at home to me...things I don't need to know lol...(about sex w/Mom-btw they don't ) or about his personal 'area'...and his reasoning on things is starting to be 'off'...I realize this is dementia, but dealing with Dad's resistance is harder than the actual condition, believe me !!! Since my Mom has Alzheimers 82yr old, I'm sure he is thinking that it could happen to him. The best thing that I did was talk with Dad's PCP about it, gave him alot of examples and now his PCP is trying to find out. Dad is on alot of meds for the last 3.5 yrs but this paranoia about his money is driving ME crazy...I am his DPOA and have done nothing wrong but his lack of trust is hurtful...I have explained this to him but he just laughs which is MORE hurtful...He also tends to get physically and verbally mean to my mom so I know I have my hands full with him. If anyone has some suggestions, or even comments I am all ears !!! I have also contacted his atty and he said to let him know more as it goes on...thanks to all who've read this and hopefully advise me at some level...this site really helps me get alot of insight into the Aging of my parents....

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It does sound like Dad has dementia. I am so glad you talked to his doctor and that the doctor is taking this seriously.

Did you include the fact that "he tends to get physically and verbally mean to my mom" when you talked to the doctor? This adds urgency to improving the situation. Even though your father may not be able to understand/control his inappropriate behavior, your poor mother cannot be left at risk. If the doctor isn't aware of this factor be sure to explain it as soon as possible.

Your mother is a vulnerable adult. It doesn't sound like your father is capable of taking care of her.

Please let us know how this develops. We care!
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Deeandfam, you have the classic signs of dementia along with the wrong mix of a lot of medications that could be adding to the problem. After several years of dealing with a similar but less severe issue, we went to a psychiatrist to evaluate her medications and help her memory. In this process, he has coordinated with her PCP and removed medications that were creating problems and add/replace them with other Meds that have soothed her parinoia (to a limited degree) and she has become more agreeable.

You cannot reason with your Dad and as stated earlier, your Mom may not be getting the care and support she needs. We have also found an Alzheimer's support who's members have listened and shared their experiences. This has been invaluable for us along with a "Mom" pill we both got to help us deal with a stressful situation.
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I lived through a similiar experience, but both my parents had dementia. The more your push and insist, the deeper Dad's going to dig in. Hopefully the doctor can get him diagnosed (a neuropsych exam is ideal but it's a 2-3 hour battery of tests) or maybe even a cat scan to see if he had a stroke and has vascular dementia. He probably needs to see a neurologist.

Reason doesn't work because he might not recognize his behavoir. A fire could take his money, might he consider a safe that you arrange to have installed and get a lock for? Some of what you may need to do is think around his behavoir.

The first person to diagnose my parent's that knew them and witnessed their denial told me I was going to have to "be sneaky." It felt disrespectful and I resisted for months. However, when they kept driving after their licenses were revoked, we hid the car. When my mom kept losing her purse, I opened up a new checking account that I could put money into and put the new checkbook in her wallet. This is tough, and even with the DPOA, you Dad can always undo what you have done--if he knows about it. I have lots more examples about how I managed through this time with my parents on my blog dealingwithdementia.org

Best of luck. It's tough!
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Money can be such a nightmare with elderly parents. My folks own four properties and we recently found out they have boxes and boxes of silver, valuable coins and stamps (that was Dads business). We are talking tens of thousands of dollars probably much more. Meanwhile they behave like they are poverty stricken and look to us to supplement them for groceries, clothing and copays on the multitudes of medications they take. We have all refused to do that anymore so they are using their SS and cashing in silver to cover the basics. They are maxed out on credit cards to the tune of 60 thousand dollars, are behind in taxes and owe business debts. If they would sell just one property it would take them out of debt and give them enough money to live on while financial plans could be made for their future and care. They refuse. Our hands are tied because they are still "competent"

My folks are very paranoid and secretive, they always have been. When the time comes we will be looking to have the court appoint an outside guardian. Given the circumstances none of us feel safe taking on that role. When that time comes they will be forced to liquidate. Sadly they will end up with a lot less than they could have but it should be enough to cover their future medical and living care. Meanwhile we are doing what we can to make sure they are safe. I have to try and be at peace with that.
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how well I know your concern. my father also was counting his money every other day. my mom would get so mad but he continued to do it. then things that were once kept safely in a home safe were now to be found lying around anywhere in the house. I don't think there is much you can do about the money except wait things out and eventually you will have to "seek" out the money anywhere it might be in the house. This is what my brother and I did. my dad would hide money in every single shirt one week, then the next it was gone, who knows where. we have now taken care of those issues since he is in a NH but we had to go thru every single thing in the house (paperwork included) to find stuff for the elder attorney cause our mom had no idea where he put things. good luck
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I agree with samara. Unfortunately, the last straw for me (while my dad was recovering from open heart surgery) was when I saw my mom get so mad and hit him because he wouldn't get out of bed and take her to eat. That was it and I knew something had to be done. It was for his safety and to be honest mine too since I was living there trying to help. I found a great facility for respite care. Thought it would be for 2 or 3 weeks. It's been 5 years. Her disease has taken it's toll on her but I know she is safe and well taken care of. I have to warn you though, the day I took her I tricked her by saying let's go for a drive. She jumped at the chance to go somewhere. I had a bag already packed for her and when I started to leave it was ugly.....very ugly. I didn't go see her for 3 weeks per their instructions so she could get acclimated to the facility. When I finally did, I was scared to death that the ugliness would start all over and she would try to leave with me. They had instructed me to say "I'll be back in a minute" and then leave. After I left the area or room she didn't even remember that I had been there. Not to say we didn't have some bumpy times but it eventually got to the point where she didn't even ask to go with me anymore. Sorry to go on about MY story, but when they start getting physical that is the time to do something and not wait. After all, if your mom has dementia/Alzheimer's too, she has no way of knowing what is happening. By the way.....don't know if you know this about heart attacks or heart issues but that is a big side effect.....anxiety, depression, depending on age some brain dysfunction/memory etc. I learned all this not only with my dad but husband too. Good Luck to you.
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Praying for each and everyone of you on this site. I feel your frustration and pain. Hang in there. When your at the end of your rope, the only way to go is UP.
Don't sweat the small stuff. God Bless you and Happy Easter / Passover weekend.:)
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I have early Vascular Dementia. Please get your mother away from him.
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I agree--maybe time to separate mom and dad. He could seriously hurt her and not really be aware. My dad developed dementia and he became slightly verbally abusive to Mother--it just wrecked her. No amt of us telling her it was not "him" made it ok. Same thing happened with HIS dad. When he became abusive, they had to move him to a NH. Grandma felt so bad-but he did die within a few weeks and he died w/o breaking her heart first.
The money thing is normal. My MIL has no trust of anyone. My hubby is the co-signer on her accts and such, but he has commented that he has no idea how much money she has or where it is. Thank goodness we talked her into seeing an attorney and setting up a trust. She just blindly believed after she died that the 3 kids would peacefully split her things. Finally I told her that the state would appoint a LAWYER to go through her drawers did she make the change. I'm sure mom has cash and stuff stashed all over the house. Luckily she is an extremely OCD person and her home is very organized and when the time comes, we'll deal. But, really, sounds like your mom's well being is at stake. I'd focus in her and not worry about the money right now. You'll find it all eventually--I just feel sorry for your mom. First things first!
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Abandon the thought of reasoning with Dad. It will only frustrate you and anger him (potentially making him more paranoid). My advice is to make small moves, see what seems to work best, and proceed cautiously from there. First, I'd try delivering money more often, but lesser amounts and tied into the occasions when he spends it. So, let's say you usually give him $2000 a month and they typically hit the casino on Wednesdays. I'd explain VERY SIMPLY to dad that I HAD TO start coming to see them every Tuesday and that I would be dropping off weekly cash then. I'd give him $300 ($100 for stuff and $200 to gamble – I doubt the veracity of their story of "only playing off of winnings"). I wouldn't say a word about $300 x 4 not adding up to $2000. Have a 'Plan B' at the ready.

There's no such thing as secrets, so you've got to get the cash out of the house. It's endangering them.

But, I would definitely consider that there is no cash, that they are actually gambling it all at the casino. Dementia often removes the ability to control one's behavior, so if you liked to gamble, but always controlled yourself to using the 'house's money', that control is lessened or eliminated and you now gamble until it's gone.

Hygiene lapses, fits of anger, inappropriateness...your dad's dementia sounds like it's more advanced than 'mild'.

Does your dad trust his doctor? Send his doc a written explanation of your concerns. Be sure to include his violence towards your mom. Be clear and concise. "Dad rarely brushes his teeth. He goes for months without bathing. He has pushed Mom out of his way." Describe his behaviors simply.

It sounds like the time is nearing for a supportive living arrangement for your Dad. The sooner you get the ball rolling, the better.
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