Recently relocated to another state to assist my elderly father. He thinks my motive is to take his money and his home. I have reassured him that is not the case. He has a living trust that indicates his wishes with his property. What should I do?
kchavez, I hear your frustration. I believe your motivation of taking care of your father is he needs help, and your are willing to help him. Then, I would say..you do what you have been doing for him, and vent out the frustration here. Sometimes, you may find out what AD people want to say is different from what they really want to say. I have found many AD people who were like your father had in fact such a tender heart, and did not know how to express it. Hope you will have trustful relationship with your father soon.
More difficult is the situation at my family, which is that the caregiver does need the money while Dad does need the care. How to know if the care is best for Dad, when it is the best the caregiver can do, and would be a hardship should Dad want different care. Worse than hardship, heart breaking actually, since caregiver has sacrificed for Dad. He just isn't the best person for the job. Doesn't have the patience to let the man gather his thoughts during moments of confusion, and is often negative about Dad's abilities. Won't tell those little white lies that make Dad feel good. Says things like "you know you can't do that" when obviously he's forgotten, and that just makes Dad feel bad. Those little negative utterances are like little banana peels for Dad's frail ego to slip on while it's taking ginger delicate tentative steps. :-(
my mother woke me up one night to confront me about the 700 dollars id stolen from her. after we finally found it she gave it to me for safekeeping. some of these things are funny even at the time.
It sounds like he has dementia. My mother did the same exact thing. Dementia is tricky in the beginning so you may not think he does, but as time goes on you will see it get progressively worse. All you can do now is keep assuring him that you are there because you care about HIM and not his money. It does no good to argue the point, it only makes it worse. Tell him you love him but beware his condition will get much, much worse and you will have to be very strong!
I am very sorry you are going through this. I hope that you & your father have a good relationship! My mother and I used to actually like one another, but that was a long time ago. I quit a job making 75K/yr to care for her and she has threatened to have me thrown in jail! Everyone has told me that I can get paid from the state to care for her, but trust me, $8.00/hr. isn't worth this suffering. She gave me home more than 20 yrs ago, I already had a very nice home, hers was a run-down piece of junk in a terrible neighborhood! I put 75k in restoration/updates just to rent it out because it's only worth 100K, stupid, I know! I just can't see selling her home while she is alive, she worked hard to buy it and raise her family, who by the way, are ABSOLUTELY no help. Her five boys don't call, send cards letters for holidays/birthdays, they have just assumed that I will do it all, and I have the last 10yrs! Now, she has threatened calling APS because I got her up and dressed to visit her grandson and great grand-daughters that she had NEVER met, BTW, they never showed to the visit! So, ask yourself, is it worth it? and, ask your father if he would rather have the state take his home to pay for his long-term care in a SNF? Good luck!
Dad did this for a while, thank goodness Mom was there to tell him otherwise. Then later, when she was gone, I would write "I take care of you because I love you." The distrust faded. (He used to hide his wallet from me, sad for me)
Getting someone assessed/evaluated is wonderful, in a perfect world, but most if not all elders will totally resist it. You moved from another state - giving up your home, friends and maybe a career? Yep, been there, done that and it only gets worse. My life was destroyed. After four years of h*ll, living in my mother's freezing, gloomy basement, waiting on her hand and foot and taking verbal and emotional abuse daily, she went into a nursing home but, a narcissist, she's still been sucking the life out of me until I had a mini stroke, changed my phone number, told her I'd got rid of it in favour of cell and only have that on when I want to use it. Recently she told a visiting government official she didn't know where the money went from her house sale - she was kept advised every step of the way but her mind wasn't so far blown then. This revelation brought the government down on my head and I had to produce evidence, which I did, and the matter was closed.
Who knows what she will do next. I have made sure she doesn't know my home address as if I don't visit she'll likely call the cops on me - she's done that before. For my own health and sanity I've literally gone into hiding and will have no contact, at least for the time being. Of course, as I always have, I'll continue to ensure her money is preserved and her bills paid.
On the basis of my experience I'd say get some home help in for your dad and run for your life!
This happened to me also - my Mother thinking that I wanted her crappy house when I turned my life around to help her. It did pass but I had to grow a pretty thick skin and not let all my frustration become a power struggle. That is what a lot of it is - they are losing control and wish to regain it. I was cleaning my Mothers backyard (it was a mess when I moved in) did all the work myself except the heavy stuff which I paid laborers out of my own pocket. I wanted her to have a nice place in the afternoon to enjoy nature. When it was all done she says "You are just increasing the price of my property so when you put me away you will have more money." What a witch! I looked her straight in the eyes and said "I am so sorry that you feel that way - maybe it would be better if I did not live here anymore." Then she falls all over herself trying to back pedal, she really did not mean it ect..... Her new stage is she thinks that I am going to leave her all alone. Oh well, no one said it was easy.
I would sure have him medically and psychologically assessed and perhaps see a counselor with him to discuss these issues. You need documentation and a witness(s) to be able to well care for him. I agree that if he is being suspicious of you now, it is possible someone could listen up, alienate him from you and take advantage of him. My own mother can be so hateful and accusatory (and has always been) that I now have no contact with her or my dad. I have four siblings, three of whom live nearby, so they are dealing with them. My mother told me years ago that she 'didn't bond with you (me) when you were a baby". How's that!? And my dad, now in his mid eighties has always been very co dependently protective of her bad behavior and mental issues that he's never taken her to a doctor for any of this. I dread the day when he goes first (I think he will due to health issues and family history. All of her mother's and father's genes run well into the 90's and to 100) and with no previous documentation of any issues, she will do who knows what with the money he has managed for her all her life. (It is really interesting that both my nurse sisters who live so close are so dysfunctional they can see that she is not mentally ok but they too make excuses for both of them). My CPA brother has been named their executor and my dad meets with him weekly to talk about their money but has done nothing in writing to reign her in; he just thinks my brother will have to 'manage' her. I say, GOOD LUCK. I suggested once to my dad, very gently, when he told me my mother was abusive verbally to him and 'that she is not easy' he should have her assessed by a doctor. He said he thought she had alzheimers. I told him that the sooner they address this the better; he said when 'she gets worse' he would do something about it! And neither sister has tried to get her to be seen either. The trust is only as good as it is until it changes. Most likely it is revocable, so that it would not have to go through probate. Is there a POA? If so and if it CHANGES, so can the trust.
Sit with him and talk with him face to face. Listen to him. Let him speak. Respond calmly and tell him you love him.
Keep it simple and be clear about your own situation. Be careful. You may end up being taken advantage of. You may end up giving up a lot and investing a lot of your own time and money. Be careful not to do that, and don't let yourself be taken advantage of or bullied into doing more than is healthy and right for you...
Be kind. Listen. Be loving and wiling to sit and talk calmly.
It is important for you to take the time to address the issues and concerns. In the case of caring for elderly parents, they continue to grow older and while at times they may become more healthy, often and ultimately it is a downward slope.
So, be diligent about addressing issues when they arise, because they will undoubtedly become more challenging as time goes on.
If he has dementia, he is going to have those delusions. All you can do is keep caring for him, love him, and since his trust is already done just tell him you are there for him only.
Many nice answers are here already. The best advice is to redirect your dad's suspicions, if it's possible, and be patient -- it will all go away eventually! (hopefully!). Sometimes it helps if you come up with a funny line and give it to him before he get's into his trust issue again: "Dad, you have such a beautiful house. Ours is great too!" He might not remember that you actually live with him now, but the thought of you having your own property/estate might calm him down....
We went through this, too. Mom accused me of trying to buy a new house. The funny thing was, the house she was talking about was in a retirement community for people 55 and over and I was 42 at the time. LOL! At any rate, I have a big house and don't really have any reason to buy another one. In fact, I'd actually prefer something a bit smaller.
In time, your father is going to get past this stage. Unfortunately, it is a very dangerous stage that he is going through where he could be manipulated by some unscrupulous person into turning against you and changing his will to leave all assets to them unless you have him declared incompetent and become his guardian. To do that, you would need the help of an eldercare attorney. My father had an elderly aunt who was manipulated in this way and wound up leaving her whole estate to her next door neighbor (someone with a criminal history) instead of my father who had cared for her for decades since her husband's death and had known her all of his life. The neighbor told my father's aunt that he wanted to put her in a nursing home (a lie) and the aunt went bonkers and signed everything over to the neighbor. In your dad's emotional state, I would say that if he has been diagnosed with dementia, seeking guardianship might be the best way to protect him for opportunists.
jothi, dads emotional condition IS the issue of the day for carers. ignoring his antics isnt a working solution imo. you are there to quell his anxiety and its the hardest part of caregiving, again, imo..
Dear Friend, Your wonderful care towards your dad is well appreciated. Many do not get the opportunity to serve the parents in their old age. At least you have the good opportunity. Your good conscience is the best judge. Do not worry for father's mind. Dearly, Jothi
we went through the exact same thing, four years ago with my MIL...we moved 1700 miles, gave up our ranch, my antique business and our lifestyle, to move to Ohio after it was apparent my MIL was not going to move to Colorado after my FIL passed away. I was "that woman" for over a year. We went through temper tantrums, slammed doors, accusations that we were stealing her house and throwing her in a nursing home/ BUT, the good news is it will pass...things are relatively peaceful now. I tell her I am her social secretary to help her with her memory issues and we can almost laugh about it. Keep a good sense of humor! You will need it.
put about 100 1 dollar bills in your wallet. pull it out and rife thru it while vehemently denouncing your interest in his money. tell him you have 85 acres and two homes to take care of now. tell him you dont even have time for his crap but your making time out of the goodness of your lying a** heart.. lol.. your phony claims would be difficult to disprove..
Totally normal, next he will accuse you or someone of taking his things, Like Jeanne said, keep reassuring him its all in writing, safe and sound, and that you would never ever, and you dont need it. Hold on tight, next (unless you are lucky), your siblings will accuse you too! lol
That's tough, kchavez. I'm not sure it helps any, but you are definitely not alone! Your profile indicates Dad has mobility problems. Might he also have some cognitive/emotional issues? Paranoia is sometimes associated with beginning dementia. Of course that is not the only possibility, but it is worth keeping in mind.
My husband (Lewy Body Dementia at 76) was very distrustful of everyone, especially me, early in his disease, and then that gradually went away.
For now I suggest you continue to reassure him, remind him of the trust, explain your real motives, etc. -- just what you are doing now, I assume. Also keep an eye open for any other symptoms of confusion.
Who knows what she will do next. I have made sure she doesn't know my home address as if I don't visit she'll likely call the cops on me - she's done that before. For my own health and sanity I've literally gone into hiding and will have no contact, at least for the time being. Of course, as I always have, I'll continue to ensure her money is preserved and her bills paid.
On the basis of my experience I'd say get some home help in for your dad and run for your life!
Keep it simple and be clear about your own situation. Be careful. You may end up being taken advantage of. You may end up giving up a lot and investing a lot of your own time and money. Be careful not to do that, and don't let yourself be taken advantage of or bullied into doing more than is healthy and right for you...
Be kind. Listen. Be loving and wiling to sit and talk calmly.
It is important for you to take the time to address the issues and concerns. In the case of caring for elderly parents, they continue to grow older and while at times they may become more healthy, often and ultimately it is a downward slope.
So, be diligent about addressing issues when they arise, because they will undoubtedly become more challenging as time goes on.
He might not remember that you actually live with him now, but the thought of you having your own property/estate might calm him down....
In time, your father is going to get past this stage. Unfortunately, it is a very dangerous stage that he is going through where he could be manipulated by some unscrupulous person into turning against you and changing his will to leave all assets to them unless you have him declared incompetent and become his guardian. To do that, you would need the help of an eldercare attorney. My father had an elderly aunt who was manipulated in this way and wound up leaving her whole estate to her next door neighbor (someone with a criminal history) instead of my father who had cared for her for decades since her husband's death and had known her all of his life. The neighbor told my father's aunt that he wanted to put her in a nursing home (a lie) and the aunt went bonkers and signed everything over to the neighbor. In your dad's emotional state, I would say that if he has been diagnosed with dementia, seeking guardianship might be the best way to protect him for opportunists.
dads emotional condition IS the issue of the day for carers. ignoring his antics isnt a working solution imo. you are there to quell his anxiety and its the hardest part of caregiving, again, imo..
Your wonderful care towards your dad is well appreciated. Many do not get the opportunity to serve the parents in their old age. At least you have the good opportunity. Your good conscience is the best judge. Do not worry for father's mind.
Dearly,
Jothi
your phony claims would be difficult to disprove..
My husband (Lewy Body Dementia at 76) was very distrustful of everyone, especially me, early in his disease, and then that gradually went away.
For now I suggest you continue to reassure him, remind him of the trust, explain your real motives, etc. -- just what you are doing now, I assume. Also keep an eye open for any other symptoms of confusion.
Hang in there! This too shall pass.