My Dad (89) desperately needs to be put in a home but my Mom won't do it. Options?

my mother too was trying to take care of my father, she is diabetic and her sugars were high due to the stress of trying to deal with dad's wandering, up all hours, not eating, sleeping way too much, etc. finally after falling 2 days in a row, he ended up in ER. now both my brother and I are POA's so when he was in ER and they said he didn't break anything, I told them he could NOT go home. My mother had arthritis in back, could no longer care for him properly and she even admitted she didn't know how much more she could handle. they had him assessed and was determined he needed 24/7 care in a NH. we already knew he had dementia and was getting worse. ** Maybe you can somehow discuss with your mom your concerns for her health and that IF something happens to her.....who is going to care for your dad. wouldn't it be better if he went into a facility where she could visit without worrying if she is doing stuff right, not having to clean up after him, making sure meds are being taken at same time, feeding, etc. put the stress on someone else and enjoy the time she has with him"......good luck.......it is a hard decision.

ADS being adult protective services......and NH being Nursing Home.....and the ADS folks were nice.....and said "someone thinks your family might need some HELP". Keep in mind that we are ALL aging and challenged by the daily technical and cultural changes we face! The difficult family dynamics can become worse before they get better.....so I sought outside help thru professionals, books, minimal online research, and those I crossed paths with daily. Anyone might know just how to deal with the "delimma" of the day! Even a "clerk" at my family dollar store gave me some much needed direction that we could get medical care out to the home paid for thru the Medicare coverage we had. Our family Dr had not even mentioned that option! So your needed "support" can come from the most surprising places indeed--as best you can--remain open and attentive to your own needs. It is indeed an ongoing learning process......from one who got thru the long and dark tunnel and is transitioning to the light and wondering....OK now how do I deal with all the "stuff" I put on the back burner while we were "hanging on"? AND learning all over.....that it is just one-step-at-a-time......enuf for now.....on to the auto repair shop......hope this helps.....and its also part of my debriefing too.....

I had the same challenges with my SIG OTHER and his folks-both wDementia. What helped me is to get help for ME. I was watching all of them "go down the tubes" and he (my SO) was stuck and couldnt budge and thinking ALL IS OK.....and I was putting my finger in the dyke......and loosing. For your MOM.....I like "the DR" suggests this......our parents generation look at DRs like the ultimate authority......and, in my way of thinking, it is NOT a lie to say "the DR wants you to do this or that"......you've already said he suggested it! Also I like the idea of another lady IN THE SAME BOAT talking with your mom and sharing her experience and challenges. Often our parents will listen to their PEERS before they will listen to us, their family (so to speak)--even tho' I was NOT FAMILY, per se, my SIG OTHER knew I was the only "real" support for him......his sisters could/would not.....and perhaps it was BEST too.....because their direct involvement seemed to make things WORSE rather than better. Social Workers who are experienced with these challenging issues were MY BIGGEST sources of help to get thru this 5yr family crisis. The local Senior Center had social worker assigned to just such situations........AND she was more forthcoming with me when I FINALLY realized that my SO only had to tell her "yes, it is OK for Jamie to ask you Qs and seek help for our family situation". We did this with a simple 3-way call.....no paperwork needed, because I lived 1/2 hr away from my SO and his parents! Also APS also got involved on and off thru this due to various helpers coming in providing "hot meals", home-care, home-health-care, etc. AND always, at the least, it helped give my SO a caring person to VENT his frustrations and give him moral support. THEY always assessed that his parents were indeed loved and cared for and "safe" AND my SOs biggest fear was that "his parents would be taken away" against his wishes and he is the POA for their medical and financial decisions. Both have varying degrees of dementia. Anyway.....they are NOW safely in the NH....and I am so relieved. Hope this helps.

I agree with Windy, the first poster. My Mom cared for my Dad with dementia and declining physical health. My dad didn't want to bathe either. He fell many times and it would take them hours to get him off the floor, while my Mom would wipe up the blood when he would hurt himself during a fall. Of course, I didn't learn of any of this until I would come over with the groceries, or meds etc. But the last fall did him in. I called 911, got him to the hospital. From there, rehab where he plateaued, (stopped getting better), and was still a two person transfer and thus remained in the home. My Mom felt very guilty but eventual she saw that she could not take care of him the way the nurses and facility could. We knew it was the right decision it's just hard to accept. You can also set up a home visit with your local social services department and have them come over and evaluate him. You don't have to tell Mom and Dad that is what the visit is for. You can just say, "they do this from time to time and you're next on the list." Call them ahead of time, tell your story and what you really need to get out of this visit. Best of luck to you and write back so we can follow your situation! We are all here for each other!

xo

-SS

If your mom has a hard time accepting help with your dad, start with getting her help to clean the house. If the house is clean, her stress level might be lower and her thinking clearer.

"She acknowledges the fact that he needs to be in a nursing home, but yet she refuses to take the necessary steps to make it happen." Perhaps she is simply so overwhelmed by it all that she can't think beyond what is in front of her. This does not sound like a refusal to get help as not knowing where to start. Take the lead in looking for appropriate places or sources of in-home help. Invite her to look at some with you. Focus her attention on what's best for your dad.

Sorry for all the typos above. I sure wish there was an edit feature on this page.

All of the above Is great advice. Bubt sometimes you get to the point where you must use tough love. You may just have to take things into your own hands and take action yourself. Call senior Protective Services now or call the social worker at your local hospital now and find out what can be done. Because waiting for the next emergency might be too late then might be the emergency where your father wonders way and is hurt or worse. And in the meantime your mother's life is miserable. She may be insisting I'm taking care of your dad. But underneath part of her might be praying for somebody to take this terrible decision away from her. Good luck.

You have a dilemma for sure. I can offer one observation that might seem to be "off" at first, but if you read it through it might contain a glimmer of an avenue out of this situation.

My wife is in a nursing home...For awhile she "insisted" on being in a recliner (LazyBoy) and never in bed. The nurses and aides graciously cooperated and took care of her anyway, and being paralyzed on one side, this included changing her several times a day. I could see how difficult it was for them and "knew" it would be better for my wife and the staff to have her in bed. She did not want to do it, however...Finally, I lied to her and said the doctor ordered that she MUST be put in bed for two weeks to see how her symptoms would react. She reluctantly agreed. After a few days she had gotten used to it and I lied again and said the doctor said it had to be that way for another month...She accepted it. Soon enough I said my Lazyboy at home had broken and I wanted to take hers home rather than buy a new one. She was fine with that..That was five years ago. She has been in the bed ever since.

Sometimes a lie is not all that bad as I see it.

I am thinking you may be able to have your doctor "order" that he try out a nursing home for its therapeutic purposes, whatever.

Grace + Peace

Bob

If the father has severe dementia, he is not capable of naming a POA if he has not already done so. Unfortunately--and to their detriment--many people (and not just wives), think it's a personal failing if they cannot provide the care their loved ones need. Some also worry about the judgment of other people who may view a decision to admit individuals to a nursing facility as "not caring about" the family member. The find it hard to live with the guilt. Maybe you can eventually convince Mom that placing him in a facility IS caring--she is ensuring that he gets the care he needs.

If you just sit tight, something will happen. Then you call an ambulance and get him into he ER for an evaluation, or from the ER to a geriatric specialist. Take it from there.

The situation you describe cannot go on much longer--and it won't.

In the meantime, repeat the serenity prayer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You need to get POA from your father. That might help.

What about home help? Or day care for respite? Why is he terrified of the tub? It is slippery and he may be afraid of falling. Do you have a shower/bath chair for him to sit on? Sounds to me like, if your Mom wants him to stay at home, she needs help. Get an occupational therapist to come and assess the home environment to find out what they can do to make it all as easy as possible. Part of her not wanting him to go into care may be the incredible guilt many people feel when this happens, but also it may be that she will be lonely living at home on her own even visiting him daily. What about both of them moving together to somewhere more suitable if there is somewhere like that nearby.

If you can't get her to get him to a facility, with all of its resources and expertise, what about bringing the facility to their home? Do you know/have you talked to their doctor about what in-home nursing and personal care services are available locally?

If your mother's resistant to that idea, too - which she may be, because at this point her overwhelming fear is possibly that he will be "taken" from her and she's determined not to let that happen - then you need to point out that if she wants to stay in charge, she has to *take* charge by getting more help.

tjivey5, seeing your Dad's age and thinking your Mom is probably from his same generation, it is so very common to see the woman dig in her heels when it comes to taking care of Dad.... it is her "job" to take care of husband no matter what. And by jove she is going to it, come h**l or high water !!

I had the same issue with my Mom back when my Dad had a heart attack, she did not want him to go into a rehab center to get better, so she brought him home from the hospital. She found out quickly she couldn't pick him up when he fell [he was very weak] and couldn't help him up the stairs for the night so they slept in the living room, etc. She was 90 when this happened. What was she thinking?

Mom even made it difficult for the visiting nurses and the physical therapist. They all felt so very uncomfortable being in my parents house as Mom would be glaring at them. And she even didn't want grab bars placed in the bathroom, that would ruin the tile. First day Dad came home he could barely walk even with the walker, so I moved his recliner to be closer to the power room... good heavens, what a battle with Mom as the recliner didn't look good there. First time I ever raised my voice to Mom "this isn't about you, it's about Dad".

Dad did survive all this, whew. But I was on pins and needles waiting for the next crises. The next ER visit with Dad, he finally got into rehab for that condition.

One of my friends recently went through this. Her mom was killing herself taking care of dad but she would not put him in a nursing home. All of the siblings worried about the "next crisis". One daughter had an idea that worked. Through the nursing home (there is just one in their rural area) she found a wife who had recently put her husband in the nursing home and got this woman together with her mom for coffee. The woman talked about how the care was better for her husband - that there were more people, more highly trained people than herself to take care of her husband and that he was where he needed to be. She also talked about how she saw him every day - so it was not like she was abandoning him. She made it all about better care for her husband. In your case, if dad is not getting medication, bathing, or seeing doctor - he is not getting the care he needs. Good luck. Doesn't your heart just bleed for mom - trying to take care of her husband?

As it is right now only your mom can make the decision to put your dad in a facility. Waiting for a crisis, where your dad ends up in the ER, is an option many of us have had to count on. Once in the ER you or your siblings can contact the social worker and explain your parent's situation to him/her and the social worker can work with your mom to help find the situation that suits your dad the best.

It's not an ideal plan. Your dad may not end up in the ER and your mom may continue to not admit him to a facility. In that case give your mom all the support she needs. Her life isn't easy caring for your dad.

You will probably get lots of advice on this forum. This is a common issue many of us share.

Your mom may not have dementia but her judgement is not strong. My mom is 84 and sounds much the same. The quickest route to resolving this would be to call 911 at the next crisis, ask to see the social worker at the hospital and explain that Dad cannot come home. If you get resistance from the hospital tell them you will call Adult Protective Services.

APS may be the only route if Mom is mentally competent but in denial. She still has the legal rights here until APS or a court says Dads health is in danger.

This is the worst time. That tipping point where our folks can clearly not deal with their own care any longer, are stubborn and in denial but still legally competent. I'm just waiting for the next crisis with my folks.