My Dad (77) is an alcoholic with an 8 year old liver transplant. He needs help but I'm afraid he will push me away if I try. Any advice?

Unfortunately you cannot manage an alcoholic unless they WANT HELP which doesn't seem to be the case here.

It is possible that what he is experiencing is not Alzheimers but is alcohol induced dementia. The symptoms are the same, but it is a condition that is caused by drinking (it has been called wet brain in the past). Like Alzheimers and dementia there is no cure, only treatment of the symptoms.

A lot of alcoholics do not eat. This is because they are constantly sick from the alcohol and lose their appetite. The first symptom of this is an imbalance (deficiency) of potassium, which causes serious abdominal pain, dizziness, and other random symptoms that are often blamed on other things. This is life threatening.

I'm assuming he got the liver transplant after a lifetime of drinking? After a liver transplant, the recipient is usually on a lifetime cocktail of anti rejection medications and other medications. Nutrition should be strictly monitored. Alcohol is completely off limits after a liver transplant (although an alcoholic won't simply quit after a transplant, they must want to quit). Liver failure after a transplant is extremely risky. Its unlikely he would qualify for a second transplant if needed.

All of this is just random information though...since you can't do anything to change him.I fear that of you cannot convince him to enter a detox treatment facility as soon as possible that the only consolation would be to wait until something catastrophic happens like a fall, a potassium incident, or a drunk driving incident etc. and have the hospital place him. Most importantly, do not allow him to stop drinking on his own. Alcohol detox is deadly due to seizures. He must be medically monitored if he plans on quitting ESPECIALLY since he is a liver transplant recipient.

Most of all, don't blame yourself. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

Angel

Al Anon would tell you to accept the things you cannot change. He is one of those things. His choice of companion is one of those things. If he wants to see an attorney, take him to one and leave them alone to sort out the details. Keep the papers (Deed, will, trust, DPOA, health care proxy) in a safety deposit box, not in his house. Do not leave the key where she can get it. Take him to the bank and get him copies of bank statements and have dad fill out the bank DPOA forms. Keep them safe. Keep copies of tax returns in a safe place. If something happens to him, I doubt if she will be willing or able to help you sort out the details. If he ends up in the hospital, you need to get there before her and present your DPOA and proxy. Protect but do not interfere.

Show him your love. Ignore her as much as you can and accept that you cannot change this situation. Offer detox, if he asks for help take him there.

Unless he is deemed incompetent you cannot do anything to manage the situation. If you think he is in danger, call Adult Protective Services and report the problem.

Angel #2

Lynne, I agree with you and with Pam, I would take it one step further though and make nice with the live in - a little praise to her, whether you feel she deserves it or not will open up the avenues you need to get the information that you need - your main concern is your Dad, you cannot change the situation right now and she
may be taking some of her anger towards you and sisters on him ...... and he probably feels some anxiety over the situation. I would just be supportive of him and his decisions, be there for him if and when he needs you and you will be doing your very best.

I agree with the comments thus far relative to his alcohol. My immediate problem is how to manage a situation I believe is going to become a bigger issue as his condition progresses. Emotional elder abuse by his companion. I witnessed it during the time prior to and after his liver transplant. She tries to isolate him from us (his daughters) and is verbally abusive...screams at him when she drinks and I did witness one time during her lunch. She doesn't want us in HIS home ( he lives with her). It's really rather complicated situation. Who do I see that can help me manage this situation to ensure that HE is protected, can live with dignity and peace. If I report the situation too early it will backfire because he is in protection mode because he sees heras the way in which he can live on his own.

Wow, it does sound like a complicated situation,
if your father is an alcoholic - I would bet that the abuse when they are drinking goes both ways - and no way to help either one of them if they continue to drink. Sounds like they are just enabling each other I would offer support should they want it and back away from them - as long as the drinking continues chaos will reign. If and when your father decides to quit drinking or his medical condition becomes such that he can't getting him out of the situation may be I would do what I could to remove him from - and I am confused here from your post - is it his home or is it hers - is she his caregiver?
In the meantime go to Al Anon which offers support for family members of alcoholics for some guidance.

Cap'n has a point, the more you urge him to stop, the more he will drink. Like Dusty said, Al-Anon is not about curing the drunk, it's about recognizing how alcohol affects YOUR life and how to not let it get to you. YOU survive and separate yourself from guilt, you stop urging them to stop. They have to choose sobriety on their own. You stop picking them up off the floor, you step over them and tell them to get up on their own.

rxms, throwing his daughter out is a red flag and may signal an intention to drink himself to death. He doesn't want the granddaughter to witness a suicide. I know you can't stop him, but do what you can to protect the innocent.

Sorry I'm late in my reply. My reply would have been similar. Focus on that 4 year old. You can't save your dad but toucan make a difference in the child's life. I appreciTed the reminder that my father will drag me down and keep that in the back of your mind. He is an addict. He is ashamed but smart enough to know you need to get that child of of that environment. Do it. Don't question it.