Dad met a woman online and wants to go meet her. Major red flags, please help!!

As a skeptic from way back (from years in corporate Human Resources and dealing with all kinds of stories people would make up), I'd pay $39 or so to have a background check done on her (and maybe even her son). See if she has any shady dealings in her past (arrests for fraud, assaults,check kiting, etc) and any kind of criminal history.

As they say, there's no fool like an old fool...you dad sounds like he's had major issues most of his adult life. It's too bad that his children (you) have more sense than he does. Good luck and keep us posted!!

The hip surgery should keep him at home a while or to a SNF to recover. Let HER come to see him. That way they could meet, and you could find out if she's looking for someone to take care of her financially. You sound like you are intelligent and would be able to see through her if that were the case. And, God bless you for taking care of him. You are an angel. Susan

If you have PoA, I'm certain you can have all his accounts suspended/frozen until all this gets sorted out. Contact the bank and credit card company - they should have a process for dealing with situations like this, which are common. Your father won't like this one bit but tough! Give him some info on online romance scams and tell him you are looking out for his interests.

Let this woman visit him, paying her costs out of her own pocket. She probably won't, which would pretty much solve the problem. On the off chance she does, she and your dad can meet for coffee someplace, with you on the other side of the restaurant to keep an eye on things (in case they try to slip away). A coffee meeting is the standard online-to-real-life fist step, so if whatsherface doesn't like it, that's a big red flag.

I think you should also call the police for their advice, in case the son tries to come around when you aren't at home and takes your dad someplace. Also, do some online snooping, maybe even hire someone who "checks people out", to see what you can find out about this woman and her son.

Good luck!

"She" is sending her son? She does not exist. Ever heard of a Catfish?

Dad sounds gullible, based on the fact his soon to be ex wife took him. Dad also sounds vulnerable based on the fact he has a soon to be ex. "She" picked this up.

Look up the term catfish on the Internet. Go on the Dr Phil site, he had a few episodes on the subject, including the football player Manti Teo. Get dad to watch these, even if you need to buy them. Also there is a HBO Documentary and a MTV series by the same name of Catfish. Get dad to watch these, even if he persists in visiting he will be forewarned. Dad is not mentally impaired and he is fairly young. You cannot prevent adults from doing stupid things, you can only warn him.

I do not think he will be kidnapped. I do think the "son", IF he does show up, may hit dad up for money. Some of these catfish simply create lives online without intent to further defraud, others are con artist.

If you have the guts you can go with dad. Make sure he does NOT bring his checkbook. Keep in close touch with him. Have him photograph and email you a pic as soon as whoever shows up.....my daughter is looking forwards to seeing you. The more I think about it the more I know you will not dissuade him from going and that he should not go alone. Reminds me of a blind date a friend dragged me along on in college.

Most likely this is a lonely person, living a make-believe life online...one give away for catfish is they are often model good looks (someone else's picture). After all if you are creating a fairy tale would you cast yourself a princess or a toad?


Best of luck
L

Dear HelpMe: Were you able to prevent your Dad from leaving on Monday? We would love to hear an update as to whether or not you were able to resolve this situation.

This is an odd one. You don't say how old your Dad is, his mental capacity, or his degree of mobility since the neck injury. It is good that you are controlling his finances and not giving him the card - hang onto it! Have you tried talking to him about the physical risks of taking such a long trip alone? Can you go with him (to watch him and check out the lady)? I personally would have a chat with the lady's son and tell him your Dad is not a well man and you absolutely forbid him to drive your Dad anywhere, and that he should tell his Mom to either come here or postpone their meeting until after his hip surgery("this is not a good time to visit" story"). Perhaps put in an emergency call to his doctor and explain the situation - he may be willing to talk to your Dad and tell him he disapproves of his traveling at this point (i.e. "Doctor's orders"). I don't know how much you can control your Dad's decisions if he is still mentally competent, but if he is making really bad judgements I think you woud be justified in putting your foot down as POA. Tell him you are not giving him a dime of travelling money. Let him stew over that. Just do whatever you can to make it really difficult for him to follow through with this venture. All these comments are really shots in the dark - maybe one of them will be helpful. Whatever you do, stand up to him. You are his only lifeline at this stage of his life - make sure he knows it.. Good luck!

I think it's wierd the dr would prescribe aricept without a thorough work up as well. Get a new doctor.

Dad is still pretty young and probably trying to feel young and "still got it" at 68.

Continue to control the finances and keep a close eye on the accounts by monitoring online if you have to. I would tell him that the son and mom should consider making the trip down and staying in a hotel while they meet for a first acquaintance. She might not be aware of his health issues depending on how up front HE IS with her on line.

Put your foot down since he lives with you and tell him you don't feel comfortable with this and feel he is putting himself and your family at risk so as long as he is living under your roof, he will have to meet someone locally. If he refuses, then tell him he will have to move out and hire in home care.

If she continues to pursue dad, then maybe you fill her in on his health and circumstances and if she is legit, she will a take this relationship slowly.

Good luck. Protect yours and dads assets.

No way should you allow this to happen! Do whatever is in your power to keep him from making a huge mistake. My father called me names when my brother and I stepped in. We tried to give him his space for a relationship, but once we found out he had quit claimed his house to her (Adult protective services did a title search on a hunch), we went into overdrive! He has dementia, and she took full advantage. Don't let it go that far, because it can. I agree about a background check, but this woman had no priors, so it didn't help us. It took lots of work, stress, battling, etc...but after 3 years of hell for our family, she is now in state prison, convicted by a jury of 3 counts of felony elder abuse. And it's not over yet. Now we have to pursue her in civil court to get the house, his life savings, etc...back. I'm telling you our story, so you know how bad it can get if you don't step in NOW! Good luck!

Since you are seeing the surgeon on Thursday, it might be a good idea to make a list of the odd behaviours and rationalizations your Dad has been exhibiting - this would be more geared to sharing with his primary doctor however. This what I used to do (give the doctor an envelope to read the notes before he came in to examiner her). That was the only way I could give the doctor a clear picture of her mental status without embarassing her. 68 is so young, but that does not mean dementia is not setting in early. It hardly seems logical that anyone would have to be controlling Dad's activities at this age, but not knowing the circumstances, I can't comment, except that from what you say, he is making a pretty risky decision. I can imagine how a 68 year-old would balk at being controlled by his daughter - my Mom is 86 and still views me as around 16 ( I'm about to turn 64), and counters me at every turn even though she is well into dementia - but totally in denial about her health and physical limitations. It's amazing how men still think with the head that is not centered between their shoulders-no matter how old they are! At 68, however, he is probably still pretty capable, so it's not so odd that he would try the online dating scene. I guess you have to focus on the negative events that occured with his present wife and encourage him to be very cautious with this new lady. I definitely would be suspicious that she wants to send only her son (I assumed he lived here since you said he would drive your Dad to her) as there doesn't seem to be a logical reason she couldn't take the ride with her son to meet your Dad. I think leveraging the doctor's concerns migh be your best bet at either changing your Dad's mind, or insisting that the lady come here to meet him, rather than him risking travelling.

Another thought or possible red flag......Catfish typically do not agree to web cam calls.....much easier than travel