Mom died of Alzheimer's and now my Dad (who I live with) is making her out as a saint (which she was not)? Advice?

Linda, your story really rung with me after I had thought about it. My parents were negligent. I won't go through any of the stuff, but just say they shouldn't have had children. My father was a stranger who didn't have anything to do with his children, even though he lived in the same house. Now I know it was Asperger's. When he died I didn't feel anything. Sometimes I would want to talk of the sadness of never having a real father, but I quickly learned that my mother was not one to talk to. Her only response was that he may not have been much of a father, but he was a good husband to her. Of course, I also wondered why I would want to have her understand Dad was not so good when she was even worse. I guess I just wanted someone to hear me. That someone wasn't going to be her, however.

It made me sad that your father rejoices in the breakup of your marriage. It reminds me of when I got here. My marriage of 13 years had ended and I had left everything I owned except my computer and rabbits. It felt like a knife when my mother said that it was God that had done it so I could come home and take care of them. Extreme self interest.

Now a big question is if there is any way your husband and you can patch things up or is that over. What in the world happened? It is a long time to invest in a relationship just to see it lost like that. My heart really hurts for you. I have a feeling that it is a lot like how I felt multiplied by 3. I find myself hoping there is some kind of life to put together again out there when all of this is done.

dear jeannegibbs and all, you're right. Papa does not need to hear this...and I will speak of it no more to him. I guess I'm just angry about the whole situation and it is coming out this way. Papa is beyond ecstatic about the problems in my marriage and cannot wait for me to divorce my husband and tells me this all the time...like 38 years mean nothing....I've been with Joe since I was 22 and now I'm almost 60.....Yes, I am angry, and sad and disappointed. But I will NOT speak to him of this again. Let him remember mama the way he wants. I will deal with my anger in a different venue. But I still wonder why he never noticed the welts on my legs when I was little. Blessings to you all, Lindaz.

it wasnt that long ago that i was bitter with my long departed dad and his religious fanatacism but you mellow with age . my biggest problem with him was how hed laugh right in a persons face at the most unappreciated and inopportune times but ive recently learned that he likely had a genuine emotional / mental disorder . considering that were all a little bit nuts ive decided to overlook that bad memory and try to accredit him with the positive and helpful things he's taught me .

Glad to see that you are seeing a therapist. Speaking your mind sounds like excellent advice, especially if you are not used to doing that. But I am wondering if your father is the appropriate audience for that as it concerns your mother. Maybe. The therapist knows more about the situation than we do after reading one paragraph here.

Was your mother simply not a saint the way none of us are saints, or was it more than that? Was she abusive? Narcissistic? Did she contribute to your marriage problems? Hearing Dad praise her constantly must really be an irritant to you.

Keep seeing this therapist if you think she is helping. Take her more seriously than you take us, since she presumably knows more of the story.

Thank you JessieBelle. I guess I might need to see another therapist. I 'm sorry to say I just have a really hard time to see Mama as a saint when I think of how she treated me in my childhood...but I did put it asise to care for her while she had ALZ...I was the one who took care of her 'personal' needs for the past several years, including diapers and all. I just wanted her to recognize me, at some point, even before she got sick....

It is amazing how many people become more saintly in memory after they die!

Why is your father's denial about the less-saintly aspects of your mother a problem for you? What if you just say, 'I know you loved her a lot, Dad. I loved her too"? Why do you have to clash over this?

If you want someone you can unburden your complaints about Mom to, I don't think it should be your dad. Maybe a counselor? Maybe just vent to us here? If caregiving broke up you marriage I can understand that you are angry over that. You deserve help dealing with that.

You and I were writing at the same time. I hope you can find someone who hears you.

linda, cmag's idea of seeing a therapist is a good one. After I wrote above I thought you probably needed someone to understand what you went through with your mother. Your father is probably not the person who will understand. A therapist or a support group for children of dysfunctional families may be the best people to talk to. They will know how you feel and how you need to be heard.

I am seeing a therapist. And her advice was to speak my mind (which I do not often do)....maybe I need another therapist...:) Cmagnum so good to hear from you...yes 38 years and now zip! Blessings to you, Lindaz.

I'm sorry taking care of your mother broke your marriage.

My dad did this concerning my step-mom who died last May. I just let him talk. I just consider it part of his short term memory loss. I think at this point, I'd just let it go. See a therapist to deal with your anger.

Take care and keep in touch.

I don't understand why it is important to you for him to see her as less than he does. She is on the other side now. It is okay for him to think of her fondly. He knew her in a way that you did not.

I had a father that was not so good. To hear my mother talk you would think that he was the perfect man. That is okay. It doesn't harm me for her to think well of him. Being a father just wasn't something he was good at. Maybe he was better at being a husband.