My dad lost my mom one year ago and expects me to fill her shoes. How can I get relief?

Because you visit everyday, your dad has transferred his dependence on your mother onto you. You have gone there every day for one year. That is more than an acceptable amount of time for you to have given to your dad to help him mourn the loss of your mother. It is time for him to step out into the world again and socialize with people his own age. You can let him know about senior centers, grief counseling, and other senior activities in his area but it is not your responsibility to take him as one would take a child to kindergarten.

Oh boy does this sound familiar. But like Bannie, Dad went first. I told Mom not to expect me to take care of Dad. It's going to be hard to set limits now but you need to do it for your sanity. Try to sit down with him and look him in the eye. Explain that with husband's MS you need to cut back on your hours at his home. That husband needs your care two. When Mom was gone for 8 months, Dad had no problem doing for himself. He hated using a stove but had no problem with a Microwave. Your Dad should be able to get himself breakfast. Lunch too if you leave him the makings. Buy one of those sponges with handles to wash dishes. He shouldn't have that much laundry so take it home to wash. Dinner would be the hardest meal. He can order out. You cannot be there 24/7. Maybe put bug in his ear about an Assisted or independent living facility.
With an MS patient you really have enough on your plate. You must have a very good hubby. Without my cousins husband I don't know what she would have done after she was diagnosis with MS. He worked then came home and did it all. You are not going to be able to keep up the pace. Please don't wait to talk to Dad. Daycare may help. Mom got breakfast and lunch at hers.

My mom waited on my dad hand and foot. I was always trying to get my dad (unsuccessfully) to do more for himself. I always warned him that if mom went first, I was NOT going to be doing all of the things my mom did for him. Lucky for me, my dad passed first. Otherwise, I'd have been in your shoes.

Can your dad get out to some nearby senior center, so he can re-establish some relationships outside of you? Most areas have some kind of senior center with activities. There are always a ton more women at those places than men. He might meet some nice ladies for companionship.

I agree you need to set boundaries and your first priority is your husband. You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your dad to explain that and work with him to find ways to meet his needs without upending your life (and your husband's). Good luck and yes, please keep us posted on how you're doing.

Gressecj, found out my Mom had also waited on Dad hand and foot, that was how it was in their era, being in their 90's. So when Mom passed, I found out rather quickly that Dad was totally lost in the house unless he was in his workshop.

What are your Dad's medical issues? Would Dad be able to budget caregivers to come in to help during the day? Agency caregivers are around $20-$30/hour, yes expensive. Or would Dad refuse any outside help?

Sometimes what happens is that we enable our parent to keep living in their home. They remain in their lifestyle while we need to change our own. You need to set boundaries now.... make a list of everything you do for Dad, and I mean everything... now cross off half the items, now cross off a couple more. Thus, when Dad asked for you to do something that has been crossed off, say "sorry, I can't possibly do that", and stand firm.

And cut back your hours. If you are a senior yourself, just be honest with Dad telling him it is very exhausting trying to maintain TWO houses. Sometimes that doesn't work, as in Dad's eyes you are still the child and he is the adult, you are still in your 20's or 30's.

I was lucky, my Dad was happy to have caregivers pamper him... then he decided the house was too much so he moved to senior living. First starting out in Independent Living, which cost around $5k per month. Yes, expensive but half the cost of having around the clock caregivers. He loved it there, zero complaints, and the best time of day was breakfast, lunch, and dinner where he could sit with his table mates :)

Gressecj, I have a feeling your Dad doesn't like being home alone, thus the snide remarks when you are running errands. It can be scary for an elder because they worry they might fall and no one will be there. That is understandable.

Hate to scare you on this, but around 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Terrible odds. So keep that in the back of your mind.

Let us know what you decide to do.

What are your dad's real imoairments? Have you considered getting a needs assessment done?

Your first obligation is to your spouse. Your dad can spend his money on professional to do housework and the like. If he has medical needs, you should talk to his doctor about what those are and have a caregiver coming in to address those.