My dad lost my mom one year ago and expects me to fill her shoes. How can I get relief?

What are your dad's real imoairments? Have you considered getting a needs assessment done?

Your first obligation is to your spouse. Your dad can spend his money on professional to do housework and the like. If he has medical needs, you should talk to his doctor about what those are and have a caregiver coming in to address those.

Gressecj, found out my Mom had also waited on Dad hand and foot, that was how it was in their era, being in their 90's. So when Mom passed, I found out rather quickly that Dad was totally lost in the house unless he was in his workshop.

What are your Dad's medical issues? Would Dad be able to budget caregivers to come in to help during the day? Agency caregivers are around $20-$30/hour, yes expensive. Or would Dad refuse any outside help?

Sometimes what happens is that we enable our parent to keep living in their home. They remain in their lifestyle while we need to change our own. You need to set boundaries now.... make a list of everything you do for Dad, and I mean everything... now cross off half the items, now cross off a couple more. Thus, when Dad asked for you to do something that has been crossed off, say "sorry, I can't possibly do that", and stand firm.

And cut back your hours. If you are a senior yourself, just be honest with Dad telling him it is very exhausting trying to maintain TWO houses. Sometimes that doesn't work, as in Dad's eyes you are still the child and he is the adult, you are still in your 20's or 30's.

I was lucky, my Dad was happy to have caregivers pamper him... then he decided the house was too much so he moved to senior living. First starting out in Independent Living, which cost around $5k per month. Yes, expensive but half the cost of having around the clock caregivers. He loved it there, zero complaints, and the best time of day was breakfast, lunch, and dinner where he could sit with his table mates :)

Gressecj, I have a feeling your Dad doesn't like being home alone, thus the snide remarks when you are running errands. It can be scary for an elder because they worry they might fall and no one will be there. That is understandable.

Hate to scare you on this, but around 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Terrible odds. So keep that in the back of your mind.

Let us know what you decide to do.

My mom waited on my dad hand and foot. I was always trying to get my dad (unsuccessfully) to do more for himself. I always warned him that if mom went first, I was NOT going to be doing all of the things my mom did for him. Lucky for me, my dad passed first. Otherwise, I'd have been in your shoes.

Can your dad get out to some nearby senior center, so he can re-establish some relationships outside of you? Most areas have some kind of senior center with activities. There are always a ton more women at those places than men. He might meet some nice ladies for companionship.

I agree you need to set boundaries and your first priority is your husband. You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your dad to explain that and work with him to find ways to meet his needs without upending your life (and your husband's). Good luck and yes, please keep us posted on how you're doing.

Oh boy does this sound familiar. But like Bannie, Dad went first. I told Mom not to expect me to take care of Dad. It's going to be hard to set limits now but you need to do it for your sanity. Try to sit down with him and look him in the eye. Explain that with husband's MS you need to cut back on your hours at his home. That husband needs your care two. When Mom was gone for 8 months, Dad had no problem doing for himself. He hated using a stove but had no problem with a Microwave. Your Dad should be able to get himself breakfast. Lunch too if you leave him the makings. Buy one of those sponges with handles to wash dishes. He shouldn't have that much laundry so take it home to wash. Dinner would be the hardest meal. He can order out. You cannot be there 24/7. Maybe put bug in his ear about an Assisted or independent living facility.
With an MS patient you really have enough on your plate. You must have a very good hubby. Without my cousins husband I don't know what she would have done after she was diagnosis with MS. He worked then came home and did it all. You are not going to be able to keep up the pace. Please don't wait to talk to Dad. Daycare may help. Mom got breakfast and lunch at hers.

Because you visit everyday, your dad has transferred his dependence on your mother onto you. You have gone there every day for one year. That is more than an acceptable amount of time for you to have given to your dad to help him mourn the loss of your mother. It is time for him to step out into the world again and socialize with people his own age. You can let him know about senior centers, grief counseling, and other senior activities in his area but it is not your responsibility to take him as one would take a child to kindergarten.

Dear Barb B. , First, I want to thank you for responding. And yes my Dad has real problems medically. He uses a walker and barely gets around. He has spondylitis and other things wrong with his back making it hard to stoop down to get things out of the fridge or stand long enough to prepare food. He has had a med. assessment and his Dr. stated he needs assistance with his everyday needs. I hate to go on and on but I must tell you this he is a vet. and gets help 2 hrs. a day on Mon. & Thurs. it helps me a little because she does scrub the kitchen floor and does a couple loads of laundry which I totally appreciate. He says he doesn't really need her. What? I felt like screaming when he said that. He also calls the day care facilities "a place ya go to be babysat". He refuses to admit he needs help but of course I'm there doing it all so why would he think he needs anyone else. My Dad has always been a good kind man but he's so set in his ways and he's soooo stubborn . It's impossible to make him understand without getting really nasty and I'd hate myself if we had words and then something happen to him. I don't want any guilt on my back for the rest of my life. I dunno I'm so confused at this point. I love him dearly and yet I feel myself being swallowed up in a black hole of never ending cooking, working and trying to please him.

Dear Freqflyer, Thank you for your answer but Dad doesn't want nor does he think he needs outside help. He has a girl come in twice a wk. 2 hrs. each time. Equal to 4 hrs. a week the VA provides for him and he could get more help but refuses. I am happy to hear your Dad made such a smooth transition tho :) My Dad has a very limited income, too so that makes it more difficult . And, yes it does feel like the life is being sucked out of me.

Thank you Blannie, Before my Mom died I told her one day..."Nothing can happen to you Mom cuz what in the world would I do with Dad" her answer was "put him in a home". I told her, "Oh no Mom I couldn't ever do that". Her reply, Oh, yes you could". LOL Now, I am starting to know why she said that.

Gressecj, what would your Dad do if for some reason you were no longer around to help him? There is where that up to 40% comes in, in my posting above.

Your Dad probably would move into VA senior living and lives for many more years. And your hubby would be by himself without you :( How fair is that? You need to do something now to make the changes or you will crash and burn.

I remember crashing and burning out of exhaustion... I developed cancer from all the stress. And I developed a lot of resentment toward my parents because they never had to take care of their parents, thus had zero idea what I had to do to help them remain in their house. This was before I knew there was such things as boundaries, and it was ok to use those boundaries unless you can clone yourself.

Thank you for your reply Joann29, But my Dad is handicapped so it makes everything more complicate.

Gressecj, a friend of my mom's remained in her home because two of her kids made it possible. Her daughter took her to appointments, shopping, errands, and her son took care of home repairs and such. Her daughter had her own health issues and her husband did as well. The daughter passed in her 60's, the son in his early 70's and the mom is still living in her home, with help from people she's now hired to assist her.

Can you sit down with your dad and explain that you must make some changes, and you two need to come up with a plan?

Thank you NYDaughterInLaw I know what you're saying is true. It's just hard.

Gressecj, of course your Dad feels he doesn't need any outside help.... he has you doing everything.

You really need to stop enabling your Dad, cut back on your hours with him. Then and only then will he realize he needs outside help or as your late Mom had suggested to you, "put him in a home", and boy was she right.

I want to thank
each and everone of of you for your answers. I'll try real hard to apply them to my and my Fathers life. I don't know how successful I'll be seeing that he's so stubborn but I'll try.

Linda22, It does worry me. I'm not getting any younger. I'm 64 and starting to feel older by the day. I may just have to do what you say and explain that I need a lot more help to him. I pray he'll understand that I love him just as much wheather I'm in the house constantly or not.

Thank you Freqflyer, I know you are right. I guess, I just need to pray a little more for courage. Cutting back on the many hrs. (Always 8 hrs.a day some days more) might make him realize he needs more help.

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!!

There is only one of you. You cannot care full-time for two people who both have genuine needs. And if you've got to the point where "when will you be back?" sounds like a snide remark instead of a perfectly reasonable question... you're overstretched.

Don't be afraid of looking at possibilities. Do some research into facilities nearby and see what's available that might work well for your father and for you.

Gressecj, I think we fall into a trap of enabling elders unrealistic demands to our detriment. You have reached the tipping point with your dad where you are sacrificing your own health and life.

The tables have turned. Your the adult now and he is going to have to accept things he does not like. He will put you into an early grave if you let  him.

I just had a conversation with my elderly mom yesterday. She and dad are very close to the tipping point of being able to be on their own.  It's getting dicey.

I don't ask any more, I tell her what's going to happen next. In my folks case I am going to order up in home services at the next sign of crisis whether they agree or not.  I probably won't even discuss it with them.  I will just call and tell that so and so is showing up tomorrow.

If they refuse, then I'm pretty much done.  I'll work with APS to get them placed in a facility.

Freqflyer, Wow... can you spell it out and actually I thank you deeply for that. I'm sorry you got cancer and pray it is in remission!!! My Brother died at 45 and my Sister at 53 then my Mom so I am all my Dad has left. I guess I do need to take care of myself or even I won't be left.

Countrymouse, My Mother was in a nursing home for 3 wks. Before, I made the decision to bring her to my house to die. Why ? Why did I do this ? Because if her treatment. The nursing home was understaffed (they all are and believe me I checked to see ) this one had a 4 star rating but it didn't take long to see they couldn't take care of all those old people properly. I ended up throwing sheets in the dirty laundry bag, throwing trash away, getting her water, chasing down cream for her coffee, ringing her buzzer and told the nurse is coming soon as she gets done with the person she is helping (40 mins. later ) while my sweet Mother gurgled from having a trachea that needed suctioned and pain meds. My Mother could use the restroom on her own but no they didn't want to take the time soooo instead they slapped a diaper on her which by the way felt like it had 2 gallons of pee in it one day. Boy, did I have a throw down. A tiny little man across the hall was calling for help one day... no one came so I peeked in on him and he meekly asked me if I could help him open his carton of milk. :( of, course I helped him get it open. You would think the aids would know the elderly have a hard time opening things. The thing is I was so proud to get her in this beautiful top rated nursing home and so disappointed that they could not provide the care those old folks desperately needed. One more thing. I was there one night until 3am watching my Mother bent over writhing in pain. She told them for 3 days she needed a laxative and the answer was always, "we're waiting on the Drs. Orders" Sooo instead they finally used a suppository. She was so weak and shakey from if all (totally traumatized) I stayed with her until she went to sleep and to think it could have been avoided. When you take strong pain meds. (She had throat cancer) no she never smoked. Anyway after being given pain meds you always needs stool softener and the resident Dr. Didn't order it. Dumb sob ! And the nurses didn't notice or care that she asked for one. Soooo many more things I could tell you about the poor care nursing homes give our loved ones. My Mother was so happy when I told her she was coming to our house and she was a sweet angel to have around us. Best decision I ever made. Soooo, I told Dad I'd try my best to keep him out of one of those places. I'm thinking about getting the VA to come more often to his home. They are very nice women who give him one on one care. I think I just need to say, "Hey, Dad, they said you need more help" and I did get one of the VA nurses to say she'd back me up.

Is your dad religious? Can you explain to him that your husband is your first priority since you said your vows and since he has MS? You're really shortchanging him.

As my 97-year old mom told me over and over again, "I've lived my life, you need to live yours." Your dad has lived a long life with your mom. It's sad that she's passed and he's alone, but that's the way the world works. That doesn't mean he has the right to take over your life and take you away from your husband who has his own medical issues. Your dad isn't any more disabled than a ton of other parents on these threads. He's just got you wrapped around his finger through guilt and stubbornness. He's being selfish if you look at objectively.

You're the adult now. You have to make the clear-headed decisions that are in the best interest of you and your husband first and your father second. Right now you're putting your father first and that's not right in my opinion. You come first, your husband second and father third. Start cutting back - go every other day for six hours a day. Then 3 days a week for 4 hours...then two days for a couple of hours, etc. Taper off and let him see he needs some help if you're not doing it all for him.

Windy ridge, I think that's so true. I am a enabler. I need to change some of my thinking patterns. I will probably get more at home care for him. Thank you but no nursing homes anymore. I myself would rather be dead than be in one of those h*ll holes.

Dear Blannie, Yes, he is very religious! And I think your right in so many ways ! I hAve often thought, "How can he be sooooo self centered?" Sooo, I am going to take your advice and cut back on some hours and fill in with VA aids. He won't like it but I feel like I'm going down hill fast after 15 months (exactly 15 months of what feels like bowing down to him)

Gressecj I'm so glad you'll consider taking back some control in your life! It won't be easy because you're taking away your dad's comfort blanket. But you have a right to your own life and happiness and that's just as important as dad's happiness. Dad clearly isn't thinking about your needs, so you have to do the thinking for both of you. Hang tough and let us know how you're doing - we care! Most of us have been there and done a part of what you're going through, and know how tough it is. But we're in your corner and only want the best for you and your family.

You are 64. Your father has mobility problems. What's the plan as he needs more assistance? Are you going to bathe him, lift him on and off the toilet, change his Depends?

Start planning for that now.

I know some people who are very pleased with veterans retirement homes/facilities. Are there any of them near you, and does your father qualify?

Although praying can help you, it will not help your father. My high school teacher used to say "fail to plan, plan to fail."

Gressecj, there are times when we need to use "tough love". I know when I first came on the forums years ago, one writer used tough love on me, and lo and behold she was so right about the situation.

Seniors should not be taking care of older seniors. We just don't have the same amount of energy as when we were in our 30's. I found myself napping almost as much as my very elderly parents :P It really takes a village to get everything done.

NY DaughterInLaw, I know your telling me the truth and I do need to plan. Today he needed help getting up from his chair and it was all I could do to help him get up. I'm not a big or strong woman. I am going to get him a lift chair.

CTTN55 You are right, I know. Today, I had to help him up from his chair. He is so weak from having a bout with diarrhea. It was all I could do to help him. I have checked and there is a NH in this area who takes Veterans but after seeing the care my Mom got in a NH it scares me. I love my Dad so it will be a last resort

Freqflyer, Funny you said that today when Dad was taking another nap... I felt I was drifting off too. I stayed here at his house last night and his cute but chubby dog slept with me and restlessy kept me awake on and off. Yawn