Around the end of last August, I finally got up the nerve to put dad in an assisted living facility. I had been caring for him in my home for the four and a half years prior and was absolutely drained. I am a divorced mom of two, was getting very little help from my siblings and mom, and work full-time to support myself. Dad had spent the summer bouncing between the hospital and rehab and is now full-time in a wheelchair. He is not happy about being put in an assisted living facility. He is about 45-50 minutes away because that was what he could afford. I try to get out to see him twice a week. My one sibling gets out there about once a month and my other siblings hardly even call him. The last time my kids and I were out to see him (Saturday) he started in with me again. He has called everyone he knows to try to take him and take care of him. No one wants that responsibility. A little background on my dad...he is not a very nice man. He is very selfish and self-centered. He doesn't appreciate anything I have done for him. He has no clue how difficult he was to care for and how even more difficult it would be to care for him now. He is getting physical therapy now, but everytime I see him he is in the wheelchair...no matter what time I go. He is about 320 lbs, he is incontinent and needs help with diapers. He needs help showering. He needs help dressing. When he was home with me, I made all his meals or else he wouldn't eat. Now, he is insisting he can feed himself. When I ask him, "Why didn't you when you were home with me then?" He tells me, "Because I didn't have to." He is truly unbelievable. He has aphasia and memory issues. He has a booming voice and can be very intimidating, especially when he is yelling at you. Well, he yelled at me on Saturday and I have just about had enough. I am in the process of buying a co-op and have already made it clear I cannot take him. His thing now is he wants to move back into the rental house once we move out and live on his own (with a part-time aide like he had before.) I think I would be arrested for elder care abuse! He would only get the aide 3x a week, 4 hours a day (through the VA program.) He cannot afford full-time care out of pocket...but he just doesn't understand or just refuses to hear me. I am at my wits end. I am so tired of making decisions for him. I am the only one doing anything to care for this man and I am tired of being yelled at by him. I do not want POA anymore and I don't want to be his healthcare proxy anymore. It is time for one of my other siblings to step up to the plate.
His newest demand is to move to another facility. He says it is to help me. I don't see how it will do anything but create a lot more work for me. If I don't do it he says he is dying soon which is supposed to make me feel bad. It doesn't. You can only use the death care so many times before it has no power.
You father is in a safe place and cared for. The only thing missing is he is not happy. BUT and this is a big BUT...the only thing that will make him happy is for you to lay down your life caring for him. So guess what...he gets to be unhappy. Please do whatever it takes to make YOU happy.
At my own expense I have retained an elder law attorney to avoid liabilities, etc for the things that are happening. Right now, she is telling a brother that she will change her will, and has hinted that the current aid will become her POA.
I have told her that we agreed to our current arrangement. If she wants to change it, she can, but I will pass the batton, and will not do anything further. The last three years have been hundreds of hours of work each year. I can't keep it up.
If you give up financial and healthcare POA, you have no responsibility to determine where he lives. He (or his new POA) will have to make arrangements himself.
I truly wish he would listen to you. But it isn't required in order for you to make your own decisions.
I couldn't tell if you were just venting or you seriously want out of those responsibilities. If you are serious, you can certainly decide it is not you, but you cannot decide who it will be.
What will happen if, just say, when he goes on about moving out, this apartment, that apartment, do this, do that, you say "yeah yeah yeah Dad" but Do Nothing? Is there any realistic possibility that your father would be capable of discharging himself and moving out of the facility without your active participation?
And what would happen if, say, you took two weeks off and didn't visit?