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Around the end of last August, I finally got up the nerve to put dad in an assisted living facility. I had been caring for him in my home for the four and a half years prior and was absolutely drained. I am a divorced mom of two, was getting very little help from my siblings and mom, and work full-time to support myself. Dad had spent the summer bouncing between the hospital and rehab and is now full-time in a wheelchair. He is not happy about being put in an assisted living facility. He is about 45-50 minutes away because that was what he could afford. I try to get out to see him twice a week. My one sibling gets out there about once a month and my other siblings hardly even call him. The last time my kids and I were out to see him (Saturday) he started in with me again. He has called everyone he knows to try to take him and take care of him. No one wants that responsibility. A little background on my dad...he is not a very nice man. He is very selfish and self-centered. He doesn't appreciate anything I have done for him. He has no clue how difficult he was to care for and how even more difficult it would be to care for him now. He is getting physical therapy now, but everytime I see him he is in the wheelchair...no matter what time I go. He is about 320 lbs, he is incontinent and needs help with diapers. He needs help showering. He needs help dressing. When he was home with me, I made all his meals or else he wouldn't eat. Now, he is insisting he can feed himself. When I ask him, "Why didn't you when you were home with me then?" He tells me, "Because I didn't have to." He is truly unbelievable. He has aphasia and memory issues. He has a booming voice and can be very intimidating, especially when he is yelling at you. Well, he yelled at me on Saturday and I have just about had enough. I am in the process of buying a co-op and have already made it clear I cannot take him. His thing now is he wants to move back into the rental house once we move out and live on his own (with a part-time aide like he had before.) I think I would be arrested for elder care abuse! He would only get the aide 3x a week, 4 hours a day (through the VA program.) He cannot afford full-time care out of pocket...but he just doesn't understand or just refuses to hear me. I am at my wits end. I am so tired of making decisions for him. I am the only one doing anything to care for this man and I am tired of being yelled at by him. I do not want POA anymore and I don't want to be his healthcare proxy anymore. It is time for one of my other siblings to step up to the plate.

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My advice is to cut back the visits to every other week and start living your own life, you certainly deserve it. I visit my father once a month. My daughter goes once a month. If he is unhappy about that, that is on him. He refuses to leave his room and socialize yet as a younger man he was extremely social. Now he just wants me to cater to him. I refuse and I don't feel bad about it. What makes me feel bad is when I give in to his demands.

His newest demand is to move to another facility. He says it is to help me. I don't see how it will do anything but create a lot more work for me. If I don't do it he says he is dying soon which is supposed to make me feel bad. It doesn't. You can only use the death care so many times before it has no power.

You father is in a safe place and cared for. The only thing missing is he is not happy. BUT and this is a big BUT...the only thing that will make him happy is for you to lay down your life caring for him. So guess what...he gets to be unhappy. Please do whatever it takes to make YOU happy.
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Similar situation here. The elder is in independent living and not managing well. All children want her in enhanced AL. She won't go. She wants another child to be her POA and HC, but none of them want it. I am in the process of telling her how things have to be, so check back and see how that goes.
At my own expense I have retained an elder law attorney to avoid liabilities, etc for the things that are happening. Right now, she is telling a brother that she will change her will, and has hinted that the current aid will become her POA.
I have told her that we agreed to our current arrangement. If she wants to change it, she can, but I will pass the batton, and will not do anything further. The last three years have been hundreds of hours of work each year. I can't keep it up.
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Thank you everyone...I think I really needed to hear all this. I am half venting and half serious about the POA. My brother is also listed as my dad's POA. We used to think he was my backup, but the last lawyer that looked at the paperwork said, the way it is actually worded, we share POA responsibilities. I love my brother, but he is in no position to take this on...plus, he is not good at all with money. I feel guilty not seeing my dad since hardly anyone else does, but I definitely think I need a break. I have not been back since Saturday and probably not going again till after this weekend. I think the only reason he likes when I come is because I bring him coffee and a muffin from Dunkin Donuts. The one or two times I didn't bring it, it was like I wasn't even there. He is definitely not moving back with me. I think once I finally got him into assisted living, I knew subconsciously, the only way I could not be guilted into taking him back was to find a new place to live. The last two places we have lived accommodated his needs...now I need to accommodate mine. I can no longer afford the monthly rent on the big place I am in right now. It will actually be cheaper for me to buy a small co-op with only enough room for my kids and me. I feel like a terrible daughter saying this, but can't help it. I know I would have eventually broken down and let him come back home with all this pressure and guilt. Now, I took that option away...two bedrooms for my two kids and me. I went from taking care of a husband and two kids to taking care of my dad and two kids and I really just need to take care of myself and two kids for a little while.
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"but he just doesn't understand or just refuses to hear me" ... he really doesn't have to understand or hear you. You need to do what you need to do, for example not to have him move back with you. If he understands that, fine. If he listens to you, fine. But if he doesn't, you go ahead and do it anyway.

If you give up financial and healthcare POA, you have no responsibility to determine where he lives. He (or his new POA) will have to make arrangements himself.

I truly wish he would listen to you. But it isn't required in order for you to make your own decisions.
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You can't turn the financial/healthcare POAs over to someone else, unless they are listed as secondary on the document. Only Dad can decide who will be his new POAs. You can resign from that role. Put it in writing to your Dad, with copies to the lawyer who drew it up (if any) and to the memory care center director.

I couldn't tell if you were just venting or you seriously want out of those responsibilities. If you are serious, you can certainly decide it is not you, but you cannot decide who it will be.
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Twice a week visits definitely seem to be too much -- he seems to neither enjoy nor appreciate them. How about simply visiting often enough to ensure that he is receiving good care, and let go of the other worries? So sorry about what you've been through with him.
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I'm sorry you're going thru this. My dad had expectations of me that he didn't have of my siblings, and it was so very hard when I placed him in MC (memory care). He too kept wanting to come back to my house or get one of my sisters to take him in, when they couldn't find time to visit either. He didn't yell at me, nor was he abusive, but it was so hard to see him unhappy. I wish I had something more for you, but I'd say to use patience and love, even if he's not "father of the year" material. Maybe cut your visits back to weekly and keep them at an hour? Then tell yourself, "I can do this for one hour." I lost Dad right after Christmas, and I miss him so much that right now I'd take all the stress and frustration again to have him back.
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KD, you did well to recognise your father's need for Assisted Living, and very well to find him a good facility that he could afford. He's safe. You're no longer killing yourself looking after him. So far, so good.

What will happen if, just say, when he goes on about moving out, this apartment, that apartment, do this, do that, you say "yeah yeah yeah Dad" but Do Nothing? Is there any realistic possibility that your father would be capable of discharging himself and moving out of the facility without your active participation?

And what would happen if, say, you took two weeks off and didn't visit?
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