I know I am not the only one here whose childhood was made hard by narcissistic parents. Years of therapy and strong boundaries have helped me learn to thrive without parental love.
The last time I saw Dad, he told me he knew by the time I was 2 that I was defective and if he had had his way I would have been placed in an institution and forgotten about. Yup, he is a ...choose your expletive...
Dad's best friend had a child before I was born that had severe birth defects and that child was placed in an institution. My flaw? Red hair and a temper.
Dad is also a hoarder and I have spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours clearing a small portion of his hoard. It will easily cost $20,000 to remove the rest of it.
So Dad is now 93, and has symptoms the doctors cannot diagnose, perhaps related to his heart, or nerve damage, who knows. He spent Tuesday in the hospital.
I got word from my sister in law today that he had a very bad night, severe pain, that prescription pain medication barely touched. I do not know if my brother will be taking him back to the hospital today.
So it has been tough, knowing that it is unlikely I will ever see him again and knowing that there is no chance of ever having a father's love. I have known that for years, but the little girl inside me, has held out hope.
But I am shedding tears, because my old man dog is getting closer to the end of his life and I cannot bear the thought of being without him. He is the best dog ever, loves everyone and everything. He is also so ugly he turns the corner to cute. His eyes are cloudy, hearing poor, he sleeps most the day, but he is happy, pain free and is still living his best life. But I know he has months, not years left and I am devastated.