Dad is poorly, my dog is too. I think guilt is overrated, but how do we reconcile grieving for a pet more than a parent?

Nothing makes the hearts of Americans go out so much as animals. Their innocent and pure love is a comfort to any and all of us. People can be convinced to give more to a sad animal story than a sad baby story, and that's just a fact. I think that's the "why" of it. Animals GIVE to us. Our human relationships may give to us, but often enough they take away in equal measure. Having lost the last of my grey muzzles in fairly quick succession I cannot even SEE a grey-muzzle in the street without losing my heart immediately. I am so sorry for the loss of this pure and gentle love that you see coming. Just know your sweet dog doesn't sit contemplating death. He knows only your love and the trust and that's all he will ever know.

Pets love us unconditionally parents do not.

It is totally okay to not grieve your father. Actually I’m a little surprised that you still have contact with him. Is he in a nursing home? Who has POA? If he’s in a facility let the social worker know the circumstances around your relationship with your father, you aren’t able to be around him anymore, and to call when he has a few hours left to live. Do not feel guilty. Maybe everyone else is boo-hooing but you have no reason to join them.

Do what feels most right to you and don’t let guilt get in the way of grieving you dog. Make the most of your time with your dog. Sometimes a death—before and after—changes the families dynamics. Some members get closer and others pull back. You won’t be the first family member to experience this. If he’s at home and you’re not the primary caregiver, tell your family you can’t see him anymore because you can’t stand to see him suffering . You don’t need to mention your beloved dog. You owe your father nothing! Neither I or my brothers cried while our father died. Hard to miss what you never had.

I’m so sorry your going through all this. It sounds like your dog has an amazing life. My dog is getting older too and I know I will be devastated as well. She has been there for me through so many traumatic events. My mother has not. The way I see it parents have had their chance to be decent kind people. If they choose not to that is their fault. Any choice between my mother and my dog , my dog will win every time. It is really not even close. Many hugs for you and your dog.

I have been looking after my ungrateful mother for around 7 years. She is a cranky old B#d@c and defies me on every level but the doctors won’t certify her so can’t put her in a home. 2 years ago I lost my 14 year old dog and I was devastated. I would much rather she had died and pray for her death every day. I now have another dog and would choose her over my mother any day, so don’t feel bad, I’ve found dogs give you more love than any human ever can. Unfortunately a lot of us are stuck with these nightmare parents out of guilt or financial reasons. I hope we both have a few years of life left not looking after them but her blood tests are better than mine. Kisses from Australia

Oh, I am sorry you are in such a hard place.
Grief is grief, always different for each of us and with each loss we experience.
Our dogs love us unconditionally and are always glad to see us, happy with our words (no matter we are saying), and loyal to us.
Knowing that your dog's time is coming to an end, you might want to look into the idea of a home visiting vet who also does euthanasia at home.
Or does a palliative care consultation to help you figure out comfort focused treatment, and get an idea of what signs will show a transition to actively dying.
Found a vet who did that, she came to the house, suggested we place a blanket over the cat's eyes while she was help in my husband's arm. Cat never knew that vet was present, so did not get stressed out. Very very peaceful and a comfort to us.
There are grief support groups for pet loss, and also for complicated grief - grieving the death of an abusive parent is definitely a complication to the grieving process.
Thinking of you.

If your father was unloving, not kind, no empathy, cruel, mean, what the hell do you care what happens to him. He deserves nothing from you or anyone - never, ever feel guilt because you don't feel for him what you hoped you could have had with him. He is not worthy of a second thought. Think of you first and always. And if you have an older dog to love and which loves you, consider yourself blessed. Bestow your love and attention that dog. You were both blessed. I will be 89 and have had a hard, tough life. The love of my animals in my lifetime is the reason I am still here. Focus your love on your dog.

Tothill: There is no need to justify your thoughts and emotions. Sorry that your father was cruel. Hugs.

My father was an alcoholic. He stole my money, ruined my car, & robbed me of joy - until I realized it was *his* sickness, not mine: I was letting his sickness control my thoughts & feelings. It took a while before I understood and accepted that he was what he was. I set boundaries that he honored for the most part, and I let go of guilt & bitterness. Unlike your father, mine changed and got sober, and In the end, I loved him,. Still, even if he never changed, I couldn't have loved him unless I stopped his sickness from driving my emotions.

There are several parts to your grief:
you didn't get the parent you needed,
that parent is dying, and
the one that gave you unconditional love is also dying.

That's a lot to unpack & sort, but it's all grief. You've showed your love for both in what you've done for them. You have - because you were a caring daughter - helped your father. You will - because you can - help your old man dog have the best life he can for whatever time he has left. You should have no regrets, nor should you stress over the degree of sadness you feel toward each. Your feelings are certainly appropriate.

I wish you peace in this difficult time.

Many very relatable stories here similar to mine.
My father was a raging sociopathic narcissist whose emotional and verbal abuse for 64 years killed my mother. At 96 years of age, he finally passed 17 months after her. I was No Contact and did not go see him on his deathbed. He was a despicable human being and drove everyone away. When I got 'the call' that he was gone, I was so relieved I almost did a happy dance. Absolutely no grief or guilt. 20 days later my beloved 14 year old Chihuahua died of CHF. I cried every day for a week, before I could get through a day or two without crying. I still miss my "little man" but have another rescued Chihuahua now who fills the void.
Again, nothing to feel guilty about. These feelings are perfectly normal.

I think that pet love is pure love with no strings attached.

unfortunately theres all kind of strings ... conscious and subconscious ... between humans to complicate things.

It's too bad that your dad couldn't make more of his time and treat you better, it sounds like you have done what you can and there is someone else there for him now (maybe someone he has treated better than you.)
It is easy enough to reconcile any guilt. Your dog lives to love you and reciprocates your devotion and loyalty, your dad does not. Speaking as another animal-loving redhead with a fiery temper, give your old-man dog the best most loving days of his life and you will never regret it. I had to put my 18 year old ginger cat to sleep last year, it was devastatingly painful to let him go. He was loyal, protective, and my little soul mate - a more fulfilling relationship than most human ones. My regret (other than saying goodbye) was not having more times for cuddles and his favorite treats.

We love those who are lovable. So sorry that your father could not express love and affection to you. I hope there were plenty of other people in your life to fill the gap that was his to fill. Cherish them.

As for your father, go see him "one last time" so you don't have regrets later on about this.

The only time I cried more for a human than a pet was when my mother died when I was 25, leaving me with a 7 month old and a cheating husband that she was going to help me leave.
My dad is an aging, stubborn narcissist who has dumped his care in my lap, I will shed no tears. I may even abandon him. He drove my mother to an early grave, and is doing the same to his current wife.
Do not feel guilty, I am trying not to as well. Hugs.

Your dog loves you and has loved you and depended on you all or most of its life. Not so much your dad. You should not feel guilt about being honest about how you feel. Appreciate your dog's happy and accepting nature, keep him comfortable as long as possible, and be grateful for the rest of your life that you got to share part of your life with him.

I think it is hard to lose a pet that you have taken care of and nurtured their entire life. They give unconditional love. They are there when we are happy, when we're sad, when we're lonely and all they want is our love. Those are hard shoes to fill so of course it is devastating when their short lives come to an end. Totally understandable.

Parents are just people and people have their flaws and some should never have been parents. Much easier to let go of someone like that vs. a dog who had done nothing but love you.

I have always grieved for my dogs more so than people that were in my life. I am currently fostering an old dog that was left to be put down at a shelter. She is the sweetest little thing and is helping me through the grieving of losing my 16 yr old little dog last spring. You might consider fostering to help you through it.

I am appreciative of your question because I am currently experiencing the same thing. I was abused by a stepmonster and hidden from my real mother for 8 years. After running away, I found my mom again and we became super close for the rest of her life. I truly believe she understood my weirdness more than anyone else ever has. She was my best friend. Later in life I adopted my oldest daughter’s Pomeranian when she (daughter) lost interest in her (dog). Mom passed this past July and my Looly passed last week, at 18 years old. I too feel like a horrible person because I have cried and grieved so much more about my Looly than I have about Mom. Of course I miss Mom, but I only had a few years of 24/7 caregiving to my best friend that was Mom, while my 18 year old dog was my 24/7/365 companion. So, are we terrible people? Both my daughters have told me they considered Looly to be my 3rd child. I don’t think we’re terrible but I’ve only come to that conclusion as I’ve typed this. My mom was not a narcissist like your dad but I think she would be the first to tell you: “It’s not you, it’s him, he sounds perfectly awful and your dog gives you unconditional love and respect. Of course you’re grieving more for your dog. You’re a good person.”

As an animal communicator and a pet grief counselor, I may be able to help people with some of this angst. I am going to use "you" generically here. You "know" that your Father knows that you love him. You have told him, sent him cards, given him gifts of love, expressed your love in many ways and he has done the same for you. He has literally "told" you that he loves you. Even though you have done a thousand and one things for your dog that are, indeed, gifts of love, and your dog, in return, has expressed his love in the best way he has known how, there has been no verbal discussion (much less written discussion) regarding his understanding of your love or his abundant love for you. He has never been able to verbally express his extreme gratitude to you for all of the time, effort, money, and love you have poured into him. You know that at some point you will probably give him the greatest gift of all: letting him die with dignity and without suffering by putting him down. That is the most nerve-wracking, horrific decision a pet parent has to make. (Is it the right time? Too early? To late?) The lack of understandable communication between pet and pet-parent makes grieving for your pet "harder" than grieving for a person who you "know" understands your love and loves you in return. Humans thrive on verbal communication. When we don't have it, we are at a loss. We feel guilty and that increases grief. I am beyond sorry that (now speaking to you personally) you never felt a parent's love. The love of a good animal is unconditional and weighs far better on the soul than just about any other kind of love. Your fur-child has given you the greatest gift. I send you love, prayers, and hope from my heart to yours.

I mourn much more over my pets deaths. Much more than I did my Dad. But he wasn't a very nice person and I just had no feelings for him before or after his death. He just lived way too long - 95.

A loving pet vs an abusive parent?

I'd grieve for the dog more too.

Leave dad to rot, literally if need be, in his horde. Not your problem. Don't spend another cent trying to help him.

Tothill, hugs. My mom passed just five months before my dog, Macy.

No tears for narcissistic mom, but I grieved her every day that I cared for her. My dog was more sudden and my closest companion through the toughest of times caring for mom. It took me weeks when I lost Macy. I still get tears most of the time when I think of that darn dog!

It sounds like you are trying to justify your no grieving for dad by his past behaviors and personality. You don't need to do.that, it is ok.

One often cries over the one that left the greatest positive impact, that is human nature.

I've cried more for every dog that's died than for any human. I don't feel guilty about it at all.

Hugs and comfort from one red headed ill tempered dog lover to another! I still grieve the loss of my elder pups over the last two years. I adopted a 9 year old maniac Cairn terrier after their loss, knowing fully I would probably have to part with him sooner rather than later but I love the little rascal so. My dogs have been my comfort and joy in all this caregiving journey. They have seen me swear and cry and would come lean against me as I cried into their fur, no judgement, no suggestions, just pure love.

Big hugs Tothill.. For you and your old man dog who has soaked up all that love you have to give and gave it right back to you. He has been a lucky dog to have you for his special person.
I hope your dad finds relief from his pain and you can let it all go when he passes.

Tothill, on December 26th I woke up to find my precious girl had passed away. She was only ten, never had any real issues other then she had a rough start in life. We were devastated. Less then 48 hours later my dad died in the hospital, alone with Covid. Transferred from rehab overnight.

I felt like a terrible human for shedding more tears for my dog then my dad.

The truth is my girl never gave me anything but love, devotion, loyalty and comfort. She was my service dog, so she was my constant companion. She lived her life for me, as all dogs do for their person.

My dad on the other hand had made his feelings amply clear for decades. His choices were always based on him. Many years of no contact and nothing but critism when there was.

I was sad that he was gone and any chance of things changing were gone but, he wasn't an integral part of my life like my girl was. He didn't love me unconditionally like my girl did, so I think it is only normal to grieve what touches us the most and our dogs do that on an hourly basis, if not more.

I pray you find the peace with this situation that I have.

PS: my new girl is training up great and she is such a blessing to our lives. She is super silly and brings much laughter into our home. That has helped dry the tears.

Tothill, one of the worst things I ever did to myself as an adult was to hope for a relationship with my dad that wasn't based on history and reality. The little girl inside wanted a nice daddy but that's not what I got. I'm glad you sought therapy and found healing for yourself. (((((Hugs)))))

Old man dog sounds like an amazing buddy. I hope you can make some more happy memories with him before it's his time to leave you. So sorry for your heartache. 💜

I know too well how you feel although I had a good daddy.
I just had to put down my sweet pup of 13 years four months ago. In two days time he could not walk and was constantly panting in pain the morning we lost him. We rushed him to the Vet to find out he had cancer in his spleen and it was bleeding into his belly. What a horrible day but he did not deserve to suffer. I even asked if we could take him home just for one last day but he would have needed a pain shot every hour. Our vet said it may not even be enough relief.
Husband and I fell apart and have been grieving ever since. We keep hearing him in the house, look to feed him or take him out. We still have his toys and beds.
Its so hard and we have lost many old family members that we loved.
This has been far worse so love on your sweet old pup and spoil him as much as you can.

Tothill I think it's only natural for you to be feeling devastated. Your dog, unlike your father has loved you unconditionally. He doesn't care if you have red hair and a temper. Of course you feel this way.

Try to enjoy your remaining time with your beloved dog and don't feel guilty at all for anything. You have done nothing wrong.

To be frank, when you have a dreadful parent that you have had to seperate yourself from for your own survival, the illness of a beloved pet who gets you through each day with undying and non judgemental love is the larger loss in my book. We all live and we all die. That your Dad may be dying will yes, mean that no miracle is going to happen. You know, there are 100s of seniors, lovely gentle people with no living relatives, with no children, who have lost beloved children, or who are seperated from children. Go visit them. Give love forward; you can do nothing about the past.
I am devastated for you about the pup. To tell the truth, I have lost my last elder dogs, and at 80 do not want to burden my children on death for having to care for any I might leave behind. I comfort myself that my tenant has two, a big old lab and a little ugly-bordering on cute. What a joy our pets are.
My very best out to you. You aren't judging your Dad; if indeed there is a "maker" of ours on the other side, that is for that entity. You were wise to protect yourself. I understand your pain and my heart goes out to you.