My 98 year old father had a stroke (mild) and was in hospital and rehab for over a month. Prior to that, He was living alone with daily (sometimes twice a day) visits from me. I cooked, cleaned and he was quite happy with this arrangement. Again, being 98 years old he needs help showering, cooking, cleaning and is quite unsteady on his feet. This is now become more than I can take on. I promised him I would never put him in a nursing home and opted for 24/7 care . He is soooo angry at me because his money is being spent down and then Title 19 will kick in. He has always been stubborn and no exaggeration the cheapest man alive (oh the stories I could tell) but I don’t see any other option. I told him I don’t want his money and I want him to enjoy a life and use the money for his care, but he refuses to see it that way. The caregiver told me he slams doors, refuses to take a shower and separates his food from her food! I still visit daily to check in and say hello and ask if he wants to take a ride, go for a bite to eat, but he refuses to talk to me other than yes or no answers. He’s trying so hard to prove he can still live alone and I feel badly, but finding him unconscious on the floor after his stroke was horrible and I can’t and won’t take the chance of that happening again.
Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?
I get daily reports from the caregiver and they are not positive. Friends tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty for my choices, but it’s difficult having him be so angry at me especially since I don’t know how many years he has left.
Anyhow, "M"s son decided it was time for "M" to go into a facility "because he was falling", and ostensibly him being in a home would keep that from happening....yeah, right....
Result was that "M" went downhill fast (mentally and physically) and passed within 2 months, as he refused to leave his room to interact with anyone. He just gave up. All his meals had to be brought to his room.....and he fell much more than before. All the joy had gone from his life.
Some might say at 99 "M" needed to be there, but my dad (86, and divorced from my mom for 50+ years) had dementia....and believe me "M" did NOT. He was no where near the stage (mentally) where he needed to be in a care facility if he didn't want to be in one. He was getting a little forgetful....at 99 that's to be expected....but he did NOT have dementia. He could have had someone come in to check on him several times a day in addition to my mom (yeah, she was 86, but is still doing great)...my mom and "M" were keeping each other company and active....she often took him to lunch, or over to her house when she went every day for a couple of hours to check her mail, etc (when he wanted to go with her, of course). He was taking showers at my mom's house, as I had her tub removed, and a walk in shower with several grab bars installed. He was even using the rowing machine I bought for my mom, up to 45 minutes at a time. Slow and steady of course, not fast and furious, but still amazing at his age!
I'm still sad that he was badgered into a care home by his son. I really feel he'd still be alive now if his son hadn't done that, as "M" gave up at that point.
Don't misunderstand, I think there are definitely times when a care facility is the only option...and if he had lived alone with no one to look in on him, had serious health or mobility issues, &/or had dementia, I would have felt it was warranted...but with someone there around 20 hours a day (my mom would go check on her house for 2-4 hours in the afternoon) and taking him on outings and making sure he ate, and showered, I just felt it was horrible.
Each person, and situation, is different. Don't feel guilty if you are doing what you can, and feel he is being cared for. You can't give up your future for his present.
From what you said, you have it nailed...he either should have someone there much of the day, or if he chases everyone off, likely needs to be in a care facility to make sure he isn't alone where he could fall and no one know for days, and he'd have help with food, showering, etc.
Best wishes and it will all work out! Hang in there.
What does Dad really want? Is the money being spent on care the big issue for him? Which is more important, health & safety or money? What good is the money if he doesn't use it for his care? Or maybe he's mad because he feels the decision was made FOR him instead of WITH him?
I definitely agree he should be evaluated. Strokes often cause depression or other issues. Also I would try to discuss what he really wants. But this needs to be within realistic limits. He needs to understand that his care may be beyond what you are able to do. You have a life too. As long as his mind is healthy, he should be able to choose how he lives but he cannot choose how YOU live.
It sounds like you need a heart to heart, to look at realistic options for both of you, keeping in mind that his physical abilities will only decline at this point. Best of luck to you.
In my youth (50s) the female relatives in my middle class family did not work. They didn't have to. Husbands brought home enough on their salaries alone to support a family. Kids went to school in the neighborhood. One car sufficed. The women often spent their time caregiving to elders, and elders often passed in their 60s and 70s. My grandfather went of CHF at 65.
People did not live as long. Caregiving was often done in the home. Now, in most middle class household, both parents work.
Or, when you talk to him and he answers your questions with yes or no say something like, “okay. I can tell you’re still angry at me. Please give me a call when you are done being angry with me. It’s not pleasant to speak to you when you’re in such a foul mood. I don’t want to make you angry so I won’t call until you are done.”
He’s being a brat.
Anger can be one of the consequences of having a stroke at age 98. Your Dad is recognizing he may have limited time left and is angry that he can no longer do the things he used to do.
Even though he's limiting his answers to "yes and no", you may want to take some time to just sit down with him alone (without the caregiver there) and calmly talk to him about what's REALLY bothering him. Elderly people like to ruminate about perceived uncertainties (i.e. losing all their money, dying penniless) and actual certainties (dying, loneliness, their spouse, friends and siblings are gone, what's going to happen to my house, my "stuff", why can't I do things like I used to, etc). Even if he won't talk, you can sit and just calmly talk to him. Sit down with a cup of coffee, tea, etc. Generally, when you have been getting yes and no answers, were you also talking and doing things simultaneously, like cleaning, cooking, etc? Sometimes, just visiting and sitting down for a talk can get him to open up. It may take a few times but I'm sure he's worried, angry, lonely, frightened, tired, etc. Talking to him about what he's feeling will help him (and you) tremendously and get to the bottom of his fear and anger. It's hard but worth it.
Also, you should not call your father cheap.
My mother's neighbor was actually the cheapest man around, offering up a whole dollar ($1) tip at a restaurant.
Some elderly people aren’t just frugal, they have absolutely no logic whatsoever.
Your mom’s neighbor sounds like my husband’s grandmother. She would ask me to take her to buy a watch at her favorite jewelry store. She wouldn’t bat an eye about dropping $10,000 on a diamond watch to wear, then she would ask me to take her to Burger King for lunch and she would ask the cashier if she could get a senior discount! LOL 😆
Once she told her housekeeper that she was going to give her a $1.00 more. Naturally, the woman thought she meant a dollar an hour more. She was actually going to give the woman one dollar extra for that day! We told her that she needed to pay the woman a dollar an hour more because only giving her one extra dollar was insulting to her.
Oh, when we took her out to eat for dinner she would take all of the bread, sugar packets, crackers, etc. off of the table and stuff in her purse to bring home to her huge uptown home that was filled with food.
I would pay the tip at lunch because she didn’t think she should have to tip! She didn’t ever offer to pay for my lunch when I would take her all over creation to shop!
I only helped her out because my sweet mother in law was going through cancer treatments and could no longer assist her mother.
I was raised to be a good little girl and obey all of my parents wishes. As everyone knows, this isn’t always easy.
It’s pretty easy to hang onto our parents every word when we are young, but as adolescents, teens and adults we want our independence. That is our normal development in life.
We are programmed by our parents, starting from very young, as to how to think, feel and act. When we don’t live up to expectations, we know that there will be consequences.
Some of us become big time people pleasers because we don’t wish to upset our family members. Others, not so much, and they aren’t bothered by what their family members think. Their parents opinions don’t dictate what they do.
I was in the category of don’t rock the boat, keep the peace and all that jazz until I nearly lost my mind and ended up in therapy.
When I said to my therapist that mom wouldn’t like this or that and would get mad, his response was, “So what! You can’t allow your mother to dictate your life. You have to let go of feeling badly about upsetting your mother.”
His words took awhile to sink in. I needed to process these new perspectives. I had to reprogram my thoughts and emotions. I was extremely fortunate to have a great therapist who helped me to see things in a new light.
Step by step, you can change a lifetime of habits or ways of thinking and so on. Act according to what you want to accomplish and your dad will have no choice but to adapt. It won’t be easy sailing at first. Stick with your plans.
My husband’s grandfather on his dad’s side was stubborn. He refused entering a facility. My FIL hired full time caregivers. Grandpa told his caregivers that they were fired every single day.
My FIL told the housekeeper and the caregivers to ignore him firing them and to continue working. Eventually, he accepted that they were there to help him.
Look at it this way. If he is going to be angry at you. Let it be about what is right. You wouldn’t want to supply subpar quality of care and have him get angry if he suffers from lack of care.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
Continue to go like you do. Chat. If no responses, be cheery and say something like, I wish you felt more like talking today. Maybe tomorrow. I'll be back tomorrow.
Give him some time to get used to having someone in his business all day long. It's really hard to have someone around you all the time when you were used to hours of total quiet time. Give him time.
You have plenty of very good answers here, I just wanted to share what I've learnt with my Dad.
He died last year, clinging to his money & possessions.
He hadn't talked to me for two years prior because I'd had his Driver's licence revoked (he was blind in one eye & had 40% vision in the other & still insisted on driving).
He wouldn't pay for home care, wouldn't dream of a nursing home, so he rang me three months before he died, to "be friends" again and I cared for him whilst my Mother had her knee replaced.
I refused to move in, I dropped in for 3-4 hours every day (which meant I stopped working).
He was sometimes grateful and often rude & angry.
As people age, often unhappy people (but not always) they become very selfish because they're afraid.
Your Dad is not facing the fact that he can't cope on his own anymore & you and the carer are taking the brunt of his anger.
I realise now, nearly a year after my father's passing, that he was very afraid, and angry. No matter what I did, he couldn't appreciated it.
My advice to you, put him in his place. Nice & firmly - if the carer leaves, you'll PUT him in a home.
Let him give you the silent treatment. It's a relief from the whinging.
Take care of yourself.
These parents who never have an ounce of "guilt" for the way they mistreat their children who are doing everything for them...and yet, the children are somehow left with their own guilt for not doing enough - or not doing the impossible expectations set upon them by a parent. It's enough already, don't you think?
I think you need to get beyond his "being angry at you" ...he's so lucky he has you and really, if he's provoking you and the caregiver and remaining difficult, I personally think you need to toughen up to him - he's walking all over you - and maybe he needs to realize that he either becomes appreciative and easy to be with, or he doesn't really have to live in his house.
Something tells me that he never had to take care of a parent.
They often take it out on the caregiver . It’s unexpected ( because you are helping them ) that’s why it hurts .
Focus on getting him the help he needs while also taking care of yourself and getting your own life back as much as possible . That’s all we can do . Harder than it’s sounds I know .
Your friends are not supportive talking to you like this ... although they likely are unaware of what they are doing.
You need to do what you need to do. Period.
He will be angry and react. Realize he is scared, confused, and wants what he wants and what is familiar to him - you.
If he is behaving in ways unacceptable to the facility, perhaps you need to talk to his MD about adjusting medication. You do not want him kicked out of a facility due to unacceptable behavior.
As he is able to understand, offer REFLECTIVE LISTENING.
- Be compassionate in understanding how he feels from his point of view.
- Reflect his words back to him. "Yes, I hear you saying xxx"
- Acknowledging his feelings / words is not agreeing with him. It lets him know you hear / are listening to him - that you care.
It sounds like you / facility staff is expecting more from him than he has the cognitive ability to do - his brain has / is changing.
For the most part,
He isn't being 'difficult' on purpose. He cannot help it. And, from his point of view, he is 'speaking out,' 'acting out' for his life. He is scared. He needs a compassionate voice / comfort, combined with clear boundaries and procedures / routine.
This is as difficult for him as it is for you. It is just hard when our loved ones get to a point they need - what they do not want - change, loss of independence, loss of physical and mental abilities - as one used to have. It hurts and it is hard.
You are certainly not alone. Many of us experience these heartbreaking situations. Be as gentle with him and yourself as you can be.
Gena / Touch Matters
I say stand your ground and spell it out for him.
He is in his own home but that could change if he doesn’t accept this help.
Me and my sisters went through this with our mom and dad mainly because it was my dad who was refusing the help. Anyway, things are different now. It’s been a couple of years since the stroke. He has a caregiver 5 days a week to assist him with his daily activities and my sister moved in so there is always someone there.
I hope you can explain to your dad that if he doesn’t have someone around to make sure he is safe, then he could have a bad fall, break his hip and end up in a rehab for possibly the rest of his remaining years.
You are doing the absolute best for him that you can. I am totally on your side on this one!
The best to you.
Also, IF you stay the course and he ends up on Medicaid then what? Are you going to put him into a nursing home (what I call "warehouses for the elderly")? At least explore the P.A.C.E. program so he can stay in his home.
p.s. I have seen a lot. Five years of daily caring for my mother IN a "high end" "warehouse for the elderly" where she was subjected to institutionalized neglect. Visits with many assisted living residents who are unhappy. Visits with a 92 year old neighbor living at home alone, refusing help (she had some for a bit after rehab and detested it), and living in what would be considered squalor by my standards - but content.
p.p.s. I NEVER want to be in a LTC facility (assisted or skilled nursing). In all seriousness, I'd rather pass on.
I will warn you - be prudent in your decisions regarding your father. Don't get trapped in the feeling of guilt....I did. I moved in with my mom to be with her and take care of her, although she was a very independent, stubborn, caring and loving individual. I was guilted about everything that had anything to do with my life or my independence. Friends, dating, working, etc. Soon, my "life" faded away and there was my mom and I. Resentment ensued and I felt smothered, and I was, and angry. And, then one day, it was just me. Now, I have more guilt due to what I didn't do, say or accomplish for her along with the anger I feel about the loss of what "could have and should have" been for me....listen to you gut on this and your head...our heart sometimes leads us in a direction that will lead to heartache in so many ways. Take care and my very best to you and your dad.
However, with your dads attitude, yes, it’s made a good situation very difficult.
I agree with some others on here. Sit him down and tell him it’s this caregiver or a facility. Tell him you will visit less if he’d prefer (but still stay in daily communication w/caregiver - he doesn’t need to know). Also, praise, plead and do whatever you can to keep your caregiver staying on. Listening to BS and abuse all day isn’t easy. Give the caregiver little rewards and incentives.
Do not feel guilty at all. Lay down the law with Dad and don’t back down. Tough love. He really has it made…he needs to see that. Maybe he never will.
But you are doing everything you can. Try and think what your dad really liked…gardening? Help him in garden. Baseball? Take him to some games. Poker? Start an old guys game. Music? Make sure the caregiver has music on for him. There must be things he’d really enjoy. Try softening the situation by making sure these things are always available to him. Get the caregiver involved too, so he can see they are also invested in his happiness.
Not to be down on the caregiver, but is this the right person? You may need to think that over.
Sadly you can only do so much. It’s a question of his safety now and you can’t back down from that.
Tell him that the options are:
He get along with having a caregiver
He moves into Assisted Living.
AL is NOT a Skilled Nursing facility ( AKA "nursing home" )
You can not make promises that you "never put him in a "nursing home" . You have no idea what the future holds and if a Skilled Nursing facility would be where he would get the best care why would you deny him that? If Assisted Living would provide better care, more activity, more socialization why would you not entertain that idea?
I am in a complicated situation with my 93 year old father (and a close Aunt who had a stroke 4 yrs ago). Going from being able to take care of yourself to totally dependent is devastating . With a stroke patient vascular dementia is also a possibility and could explain the behavior. At 98 the care increases substantially and it is exhausting for the caregiver. There’s a risk you will lose your sense of self and your health. This is the time to make that tough decision and find a place that specializes in elder care. You are NOT being selfish. You cannot care for him if you are unwell. Do you have siblings?
The work to place your father is overwhelming - I know - I’ve lost my physical and emotional health in 13 years of trying to live my life and taking on the responsibility of caring for both parents. Who were divorced. Is it worth it? Maybe. If you had a great relationship with your parents it’s easier but I was in a quite dysfunctional household. Do you have siblings that help? My heart understand your position. This is the chapter of our lives that we are never quite prepared for but we keep trying. Just so you are aware of the physical toll I wish on no one - i am dealing with serious health issues at the same time taking care of my father. I lost my Mom 6 yrs ago. I don’t know what my future holds at this point. I sacrificed my happiness and health when I felt responsible to take this on. Funny part is. I had to struggle through my entire life and with very little support. When my Mom died my life lost the one thing I could count on - unconditional LOVE 💔. I am only 67 and want to create a life for myself as they did too. I was in a support group until COVID and I can tell you our stories are all different and it helps to connect to find a healthy balance of life,
I wish you the best - you are an Angel on earth walking among a broken world. Give, but don’t sacrifice yourself. You do deserve to find happiness in life. It’s OK to care about yourself. You are selfless and to want your father to get care that is available is not being selfish. Please Take care of you ♥️
I would suggest cameras in your father's home if he doesn't want the live in help. But keep the help coming in for those showers that he can't do by himself and I would suggest maybe a male CNA it may help with the modesty.
With my BIL we unplugged the stove because he left it on and we had his use a microwave for his food which we covered the numbers up and left the ones he would use unmarked.
When we found out that my BIL laid on the ground outside of his apartment for 30 minutes that is when he went into a nursing home with memory care. I had to spend down his finances to get him back on Medicaid which jumping thru hoops is how to explain it for me. I did all of his paperwork without any help until the nursing home stepped in to help me. Some people don't understand Medicaid. With Medicaid you can only have $2000 personally and all the other finances goes to Medicaid or in my BIL's case it goes to the nursing home with only $50 going to his account. The other $2000 will go for clothes and anything else he would need they don't supply.
Prayers
*if someone else is handling his finances, give them the CG bill, or if your able, pay the bills out your money- keep the receipts- get reimbursed from your fathers estate. I know this sounds like it’s all about the money- but if it makes your father happier, then a plan like this may help.
Next week his remaining car is about to be “stolen” to keep him from driving.
We do what we have to do.
I don’t have much to add to the responses here, but this was perhaps the best thing for me after putting my mom in assisted living. If mom fell, or had a stroke, or—as finally happened a few weeks ago—had a massive aneurysm and was found unresponsive, there were medical professionals there who knew what to do. Trained people, emotionally detached, who were able to do what needed to be done.
The blessing of of having a TEAM at an AL facility was immeasurable, IMO. All the burden of each task is not on one person, and that includes a full-time caregiver who is human, and who also has limited capacity to cope.
He doesn’t know it, but he might really benefit from friends in an AL to complain with. Seriously. It’s helpful to have people with whom you can share your woes.
Wishing you the best of luck.