Dad is 76 yrs old w/ many health issues. Mom just passed 9 months ago. He wants to move 6 hrs away. Any advice?

Yikes, what a pickle Dad created for you and your sisters. Also, I'm sorry for your loss of your Mom. Perhaps ask Dad if he would compromise by touring additional places nearby. ALF's and Independent Living will comp lunches as part of the tour so Dad can taste test before committing. Remind him that the town six hours away won't be the same without his wife. If he still insists on returning to the town you may have no choice except to let him. He'll be back, that's for sure. Good luck and take care.

Your post says Dad has Dementia and Parkinson's. This means he can no longer reason. This will only get worse. Maybe his neurologist can sit down, look him in the eye and tell him this is not a good idea. Does anyone have POA because this maybe the time to start using it. I would take Dad out of independent living putting him in an AL.

How is he going to move? Tell him you don't agree with his plan and he is responsible for moving his stuff to this apartment. You will not help him. I doubt if he will be able to figure it out himself.

That's a tough one. Sorry for your loss and now this. I agree with above that if you and your sister don't help him with this plan of his, it won't come to be. As long as he is safe where he is, it might be best that he stays there. Even if he doesn't like the food. Maybe you can bring him something he does like to eat every now and then, maybe that'll bring him a little happiness.

Tell him y'all can discuss this with his doctor.
Now for the "little therapeutic lie"
You can move when the doctor says it is alright and when you are better.
That should work at this point. And you keep repeating it...you are not well enough, as long as you are on this medication you can not move....you can not move until the physical therapist says you are able to.....get the idea?
It may be close to when he has to move into Assisted Living or down the road Memory Care. Keep an eye open for other signs of decline. (often when someone says "others can't remember things" that is them forgetting but blaming others...cuz ya know it is never us that forgets it is someone else)
If the 55+ has Assisted Living or Memory Care I would look into that. If not then a move might be in the near future anyway. Because you should start looking.

The answer is no UNLESS he has the money to pay for round or near-round-the-clock care. Some things are no-brainers

If he is of sound mind you can't stop him....but you also don't have to help him either. How will he manage this move on his own?

I went through a similar scenario with my 89 year old Mom. She moved out of a retirement community that had a Life Care contract because her apartment was too small for her (3 rooms with full kitchen) and moved 30 miles from me to purchase a town house in a place she had lived 20 years ago because she liked it there and wanted to get away from me. I have very little contact with her now and she is running down her money quickly redecorating and buying whatever she wants. Says why shouldn’t she enjoy her last few years. I have quit running out there and feel better when not around her, i think she bought a car ( although her license was expired) without telling me. I hope she doesn’t kill anyone. My own husband is very sick and has been in and out of hospital and rehab since October, has many chronic conditions not just one big illness. Mom resents him and the caretaking I provide, I still work part time to keep my sanity. It’s a mess.

My question does he have other community in that town 6 hours a way? Are there old friends, past church membership, membership in civic clubs, etc. If so, it may something that is viable at least for the short term. Community isn't always family. I'm single and I'm helping a community structure at my church for aging people. A lot of us don't have family, so we have to create it in other ways. Just a thought.

If he has the beginnings of dementia, do you best to prevent this move! Enlist doctor, blame doctors, whatever it takes! Do NOT enable him to move. He will eventually need to move to AL and possibly MC/AL. If this place does not include any AL, start searching now (unless one of you decides to take him in.)

If you and your sisters do not help with this move, what can he do? Certainly he could hire people to move his things, if he is capable, but if his reasoning and memory are problems, more than likely he cannot follow through.

Does he drive? If not, how can he complete a contract or move with a place 6 hours away?

Do any of you have POA? Has a doctor determined whether he is incompetent? If yes to these questions, he should NOT be driving and you should take over his finances so that he CANNOT make any move.

As for the meals, is this 55+ really an IL place? Our mother was in a 55+ community, but other than the condo complex being maintained by a company, it was everyone's own responsibility to care for themselves and the interior of the condos. Even if it is IL, they generally come with a kitchenette. Nothing says he has to eat the meals THEY provide. He can also order food to be delivered if cooking/food prep is something he cannot or won't do.

IF a move is really necessary, help him find a place locally that is safe.

Just had a thought reading this. What did our parents say when we complained about our surroundings...that's the way it is.

The tables have turned here. You r now the parent and Dad the child. His Dementia keeps him from reasoning. Its not what he wants but what he needs. Like a child, its an immediate thing. He doesn't see its not realistic.

He does not recall that six years have passed and his health has had a down turn. You are now the parent and making the decisions. Sadly, he is the child. Praying for you. Amen.

?!?!?!

It would be a remarkably convenient coincidence if the exact same apartment he lived in with your mother six years ago just happened to be available for occupation right now, don't you think?

Which makes me wonder: how much of this is talk, and how much is the basis of an actual plan?

Talking about moving is fine. You can all chat to him about other apartments, places he used to live, places he'd like to live, 'til the cows come home. It will do no harm. It will be even better if you steer the conversation round to "meantime, let's see if there's anything you fancy for dinner on today's menu..."

If your father can hardly do anything for himself, he is not - is he - going to be able to plan and execute his own relocation to an apartment six hours away. So you don't need to do anything, or rather you need only do nothing, and he will sit tight and be fine.

But you cannot change his mind, because his mind is not working. So don't even try; just go with the conversation, do what you can to reassure him that you're listening and you care.

if your Dad is determined to move he certainly can do it. As I explained in my earlier post, my Mom did in fact orchestrate her move to a townhouse from a Retiremrnt community. She got movers, did the packing (although one iron in a box with no cushion can hardly be considered packing) called all the utilities, etc. I told her I would not help and my daughter told her the same. It didn’t make any difference to her she was bound and determined. I did cave and drive her to the new place the day of the move so she wouldn’t have to go in the moving truck with the men. She is also pissed that I sold her car when she moved to the retirement community initially because her license had expired and they had bus transportation provided. So now I see a check to a car dealer, I don’t know what’s going on or who would take her to get license renewed, or how you buy a car if no license but I decided not to ask her about it. She is toxic and always complaining. My only sibling is deceased. Not my problem when I am so stressed with my husband. He is home from rehab for two days, and I am thoroughly exhausted getting him settled back in with the revolving door of nurses and therapists and phone calls from rehab, insurance company, etc all asking the same questions over and over. Worked on meds with my daughter for over 2 hours setting up pill cases and comparing meds he took before at home to Meds he took in the hospital to meds he took in rehab and getting new scripts, discarding things no longer needed. It’s a full time job. Had a guy installing grab bars today too to add to the fun. Caregiver starting Monday so I can go to work. My own life is lost in the shuffle and I resent it. Dealing with all this for over 5 years now with no end in sight. When is it my turn to just do what I would like to for myself? I feel like my retirement after working full time for 40 years has been stolen from me.

Actually he unfortunately still can do most things for himself. My sisters and I think that he being irrational. He won’t listen to us and stay here. He’s already getting prices for movers. Has decided what he is taking with him and what he’s not but as of yesterday he told me that the apartment building does not have any openings right now. I keep praying that they won’t and that he won’t go trying to find another place there.

YOU NEED TO TALK WITH A COUNSELOR AND/OR ELDER CARE LAWYER. UNTIL YOU ARE POA AND DESIGNEE FOR HEALTH CARE ISSUES THRE IS NOT REALLY MUCH THAT YOU CAN DO LEGALLY. YOU MIGHT NEED TO APLY FOR GUARDIANSHIP. WHAT ARE THE REASONS HE WANTS TO MOVE? WHAT WAS UNSAFE ABOUT THE APPARTMENT HE FOUND AND WHY DID HE AGREE NOT TO MOVE THERE? DOES HE ACCEPTH THE FACT THAT YOUR MOTHER HAS PASSED ON? HOW IS HE HANDLING HIS FIANCES AND OTHER THINGS LIKE EATING, GOING TO DOCTORS,ETC.