Daddygirl2, you are going to make yourself sick by worrying and causing yourself so much stress. I’m worried about you! Please trust your decision to find a facility for Dad. When you visit him, you can’t show this indecision and anxiety to him. Of course you’re concerned he won’t get the care at the facility that he would with you. But he will be cared for. He will be safe, get his meds, his meals, his personal care, his room cleaned, clean sheets and his medical care. It’s what he needs and it’s something you know you can’t do. Your husband needs you. He has a hard time with Dad there. I would have been in the same situation if I had given into my mother and had her come live with me. I would have been stuck between disabled husband and narcissistic, drama queen Mom.
You can do this. Don’t stew and fret and second guess yourself. Give Dad a chance to acclimate. He will be fine...and so will you!
You are right that he won't be cared for in the same way you care for him, BUT that doesn't mean he won't get good care! And the fact that he is in a small town facility is a good thing. Often the staff in smaller towns have family members who are resident's at these facilities and that gives them more of a "family" feeling, and promotes much better care. You and your dad will both go through an adjustment period, which could last from a few days to a few weeks, so give it a chance to work by looking for the positives. You are doing the right thing for yourself, your dad and your husband. Know that feeling some guilt is natural and keep telling yourself that you are truly making the best choice for dad, even if it won't feel like it right away. Good luck and keep us updated on how things are going!
Thank you for listening I am his sole caregiver never knew that there was so much to do learn and everything on my own, doctors appointments, insurance,POA, SNF.. I had him in the VA home it’s state of the art he liked it there been there since July it is nice clean activities and such and in the last month they said he was roaming he walks they didn’t like that so his entier life savings was on its last month there and they sent him to behavioral health he stayed 23 days to get meds for baseline my husband and I had have to pay 275.00 a day for bed hold we don’t have that kind of money. Couple RN told me that he is no trouble and that administrators just want everyone in wheel chairs. I looked around and my dad was the only one not in wheel chair. Bill came and they can’t even tell me where some charges came from? That place is just make up beautiful building, large salt water tank nice bedrooms but dad was so isolated no one was ever around I would spend all day there in no nurses or tech around but time or to., The nurses told me that’s what they do I was sick about it and that’s why I am moving my dad.. I just hate this desease so so bad and I just can’t imagine what’s going on in my dads sweet head.. Sometimes I just want to go get him and bring him home with me My heart gets in the way of if my common sense. Oh I never let dad know that I am worried to death but sometimes I think he knows because he just padded me on leg on visit Wednesday and said Hun I am doing fine, I will do whatever you want me to do... That’s after I told him I took him out of the VA...and we would be going else where.. Dad has lost a lot of weight and his hands are so cold but he still walks and eats good they say he just walks it off, but it has slowed down. Hanging in there. Thank all of you don’t know what I would have done if I haven’t found this sight it is truly a blessing and so are you
Yes,it’s very common. I didn’t think my Mom would like having a roomie after so many years living on her own, but actually it’s been a blessing. They do try to find a compatible partner...it’s to the staffs best interest as well as the residents.
Many older facilities have double rooms. Singles are now preferred, but are often harder to find. Unless you can find somewhere with single rooms, you may be stuck with trying this to see if it works. You may want to check the level of medication that will be used at night, and meet the room-mate and perhaps his family. Someone who moans constantly can be particularly difficult to share with.
Yes it’s certainly common if not the norm. Give it a try and you try to relax or you’ll have a meltdown. Dad may do just fine there. You can’t provide the hands-on care & need some help. All you can do is give it a try. Many times in caregiving you’ll have to put safety first - yours and the person needing care. It’s not wrong to need help.
My mom was private pay for 5 1/2 years and always had a roommate. We came to feel that the extra visits for the other person in her room meant a little more attention to her, so except for one short period in her stay, the arrangement was fine. The problem roommate was only about 6 or so weeks, and she had very severe dementia and was either snoring or verbalizing in a loud voice almost the whole time they were together in the room. My mother was usually out of the room during the day, and a sound sleeper at night, so visitors were more stressed than she was. In my opinion, now taking care of my mother’s baby sister (age early 90s) being as close as possible to the best facility you can find, is the optimum situation for both you and your LO. I LOVE being able to drop in for short periods of time at different times a day several times a week, and my LO is usually happy to see me pretty much whenever I come. I too find this site a wonderful haven of help and support. I think sometimes that it’s difficult for people to understand how difficult it is to care for someone you dearly love who has dementia, unless they’ve had the experience themselves, but most people here DO KNOW and understand the worry and guilt and sadness. Try hard to take good care of yourself as you care for your dad. No matter how confused or unhappy or stubborn our Dear Ones seem, a smile and kind word is always a step forward. Hugs and Hopes.
Yes they do better! My Parents are in a room together but in the beginning it was just my Mom and my Dad saw how much better Mom was in the Long Term Care that he put himself in with her. She did have a roommate that was deaf and the nurses moved her out and put Dad in with Mom. They get their meals on time, snacks during the afternoon and activities during the day. Once a week a bus takes them all over town so they can go shopping. My Dad at 92 does the gardening and fixes things the nurses need help with. He built a revolving book case for the Long Term Care Center before he went in so he had a place for all of his books. He stocked it with 90 books. They like where they are at and the nurses are wonderful with everyone. It’s a plus for all of us kids to know our parents are being taken care of. They were living with my younger brother and that took it’s toll on them, they felt they had no life. They couldn’t go anywhere unless one of us went there to care for them so they could leave. It’s just better all around for our parents to be where they get medical care and nurses giving them baths and caring for them. My Parents are in Panguitch, Utah.
For LTC Medicaid shared rooms are the norm. If he’s on Medicaid getting around this will not be simple.
Often older facilities have rooms that are too small for 2 residents, so each resident has their own room. This was the situation for my MIL at one of her NH. Often rooms at the end of a hallway will be smaller so these also are too small for 2 residents. For my mom’s 2nd NH this was the situation for the rooms at the end of the hallway and they were occupied by residents who had a nonNH spouse who tended to visit and stay better part of the day.
Also keep in mind he will likely be evaluated for the addition of a medication to lessen his anxiety and tamper down his Sundowning.
My anxiety is so high I don’t know if I can do this I have it in my head no one can take care of him like me. I am 55 I have to work and my husband cannot handle my dad living with us he is disabled and dad desease makes him nervous. It a small town facility but it’s less than 30 min from where I live. That’s a plus because driving almost 2 hours now. I dread the holidays. I am tired of the worrying all the time lost 27 pounds I am a mess. This desease has effected me as much as it has my sweet daddy. Thanks for all your help I hope I am making right decision. Bless you
Cost is based on two to a room. If you want a single, you pay the xtra. Medicaid is definitely 2 to a room. Mom was put in a 4 to a room but by that time she was really out of it.
As said, they try to find a compatible roommate but that does not always work. You can ask for a change.
We toured more than one facility where everyone's room was private- even Medicaid patients. I was told by staff that care facilities are moving to this sort of model because 'people like it better'. I think putting 4 to a room in a long term placement is just asking for trouble!
My experience is that if you are paying privately, there may be a private room, if one is available. But if Medicaid is involved, the room will always be shared.
You can do this. Don’t stew and fret and second guess yourself. Give Dad a chance to acclimate. He will be fine...and so will you!
You are right that he won't be cared for in the same way you care for him, BUT that doesn't mean he won't get good care! And the fact that he is in a small town facility is a good thing. Often the staff in smaller towns have family members who are resident's at these facilities and that gives them more of a "family" feeling, and promotes much better care.
You and your dad will both go through an adjustment period, which could last from a few days to a few weeks, so give it a chance to work by looking for the positives. You are doing the right thing for yourself, your dad and your husband.
Know that feeling some guilt is natural and keep telling yourself that you are truly making the best choice for dad, even if it won't feel like it right away.
Good luck and keep us updated on how things are going!
I am his sole caregiver never knew that there was so much to do learn and everything on my own, doctors appointments, insurance,POA, SNF.. I had him in the VA home it’s state of the art he liked it there been there since July it is nice clean activities and such and in the last month they said he was roaming he walks they didn’t like that so his entier life savings was on its last month there and they sent him to behavioral health he stayed 23 days to get meds for baseline my husband and I had have to pay 275.00 a day for bed hold we don’t have that kind of money. Couple RN told me that he is no trouble and that administrators just want everyone in wheel chairs. I looked around and my dad was the only one not in wheel chair. Bill came and they can’t even tell me where some charges came from? That place is just make up beautiful building, large salt water tank nice bedrooms but dad was so isolated no one was ever around I would spend all day there in no nurses or tech around but time or to., The nurses told me that’s what they do I was sick about it and that’s why I am moving my dad..
I just hate this desease so so bad and I just can’t imagine what’s going on in my dads sweet head.. Sometimes I just want to go get him and bring him home with me My heart gets in the way of if my common sense. Oh I never let dad know that I am worried to death but sometimes I think he knows because he just padded me on leg on visit Wednesday and said Hun I am doing fine, I will do whatever you want me to do... That’s after I told him I took him out of the VA...and we would be going else where.. Dad has lost a lot of weight and his hands are so cold but he still walks and eats good they say he just walks it off, but it has slowed down. Hanging in there.
Thank all of you don’t know what I would have done if I haven’t found this sight it is truly a blessing and so are you
Give it a try and you try to relax or you’ll have a meltdown. Dad may do just fine there. You can’t provide the hands-on care & need some help. All you can do is give it a try. Many times in caregiving you’ll have to put safety first - yours and the person needing care. It’s not wrong to need help.
We came to feel that the extra visits for the other person in her room meant a little more attention to her, so except for one short period in her stay, the arrangement was fine.
The problem roommate was only about 6 or so weeks, and she had very severe dementia and was either snoring or verbalizing in a loud voice almost the whole time they were together in the room.
My mother was usually out of the room during the day, and a sound sleeper at night, so visitors were more stressed than she was.
In my opinion, now taking care of my mother’s baby sister (age early 90s) being as close as possible to the best facility you can find, is the optimum situation for both you and your LO.
I LOVE being able to drop in for short periods of time at different times a day several times a week, and my LO is usually happy to see me pretty much whenever I come.
I too find this site a wonderful haven of help and support. I think sometimes that it’s difficult for people to understand how difficult it is to care for someone you dearly love who has dementia, unless they’ve had the experience themselves, but most people here DO KNOW and understand the worry and guilt and sadness.
Try hard to take good care of yourself as you care for your dad. No matter how confused or unhappy or stubborn our Dear Ones seem, a smile and kind word is always a step forward.
Hugs and Hopes.
Often older facilities have rooms that are too small for 2 residents, so each resident has their own room. This was the situation for my MIL at one of her NH.
Often rooms at the end of a hallway will be smaller so these also are too small for 2 residents. For my mom’s 2nd NH this was the situation for the rooms at the end of the hallway and they were occupied by residents who had a nonNH spouse who tended to visit and stay better part of the day.
Also keep in mind he will likely be evaluated for the addition of a medication to lessen his anxiety and tamper down his Sundowning.
I have it in my head no one can take care of him like me. I am 55 I have to work and my husband cannot handle my dad living with us he is disabled and dad desease makes him nervous. It a small town facility but it’s less than 30 min from where I live. That’s a plus because driving almost 2 hours now. I dread the holidays. I am tired of the worrying all the time lost 27 pounds I am a mess. This desease has effected me as much as it has my sweet daddy. Thanks for all your help I hope I am making right decision. Bless you
As said, they try to find a compatible roommate but that does not always
work. You can ask for a change.
I think putting 4 to a room in a long term placement is just asking for trouble!