If my Dad has dementia and my Mom doesn't, is it possible for them to live together?

It is possible for a couple to live together when one of them has dementia. It is possible for a spouse to be a very effective caregiver.

It is also possible that the symptoms of dementia are such that the person cannot realistically live at home.

Each case must be judged on its own merits.

How old are your parents? Is your father getting any drug treatment for any of his symptoms? How long has he had dementia? Do you know what kind of dementia? Is there any in-home care at this point? -- housekeeping, laundry, a bath aide, some respite care to give Mom time to herself?

Has Mom had any training in caring for someone with dementia? Has she joined a caregiver group? How is her own health? How does she feel about her caregiving role?

I'm sorry for so many questions, but more detail would help you receive more specific responses.

There will come a time, and you may already be there, that mom should not be caring for dad. It sounds as if dad could easily escalate and hurt your mom. Mom feels obligated to care for him, but she needs to be honest with herself about whether she can and when she should stop. More importantly, does she want to care for him? Does she have any help from anyone?

straykat, separating them won't stop the hallucinations, but it WILL protect your mother from harassment and abuse. Dad needs to be in a secure memory care facility. Soon he will wander away and that could get dicey.

I have visited residential care homes where couples were accommodated. Choose your ALF carefully, and it could be that your mother will be able to continue to live with your father, but with all the help and support she needs on hand. IF that's what she would want, of course - has she voiced any preferences?

If not, it's time to start the discussion. It doesn't sound as if the present situation can be allowed to continue: not safe for either of them. Best of luck x

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Not all persons with dementia become wanderers. It is very unusual in Lewy Body Dementia, for example.

Each case must be assessed individually. We need more information about this couple.

To answer the question, would it make a difference if your mother was not caregiving 24/7 regarding your father's behavior...it all depends on the type of relationship, dynamics your parents have in their relationship. My mother was and has always been very controlling...when dad developed Alz and got where eating was an issue, mom would nag him. What I am saying is there relationship was a power issue from day one. In their case, having someone else be the caregiver was the logical choice because eating, bathing, changing clothes was no longer a power issue with my father.

My mother now has Alz. She has been combative, difficult to say the least and because I "KNOW" my mother well...she is sweet as pie with people outside the family, having someone else caregive for her is the best solution. We still advocate, and are very involved in her day to day care but we do not have the stress of having to fight with her to take the meds, to eat, to bathe, to change clothes. There are still problems with her, but not like it was when she was still living at home. This site is not about judging others and their choices, it is about giving support regardless if we agree or not. Hang in there and make your choices wisely.

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. My parents live in the Philippines and this website has been my only resource to help my mom and dad. My dad hasn't been assessed properly yet but from what I've been reading, it looks like he may have dementia. Wheels are in motion to get him proper assessment but things are slower and the situation for my mom is getting more urgent. She is learning to be more distant and not take things personally. She has someone in the house to help her with the housework and the lifting of Dad from his bed. Otherwise, she is doing all the primary care for Dad. Dad can still take a bath on his own. Our priority as their children is to make sure they are both looked after. My mother doesn't have any power issues. Sometimes I think she is too nice. I know they are very much in love and want to live together till the end. I also wonder if Dad would deteriorate faster is they didn't live together.

Dad also is a lot nicer to Mom in their bedroom and becomes mean outside of the bedroom. Has anyone experienced this?

Once again, thank you everyone.

What worries me in your post is the fact that he accuses her of infidelity. It seems to me that no matter how much she tries to change the subject or ignore, that's an issue where escalation could occur. My uncle had dementia; my aunt insisted she could care for him at home. Everyone thought things wereaall right until someone noticed how bruised her arms were. He was striking her to get the key to the door which she wore around her neck to prevent his wandering. Don't let it get to that point with your mom.