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Dad (88) currently in respite and assessment (not enjoying it as per previous post) wants to be in bed. Shouts a lot. Had started going into lunch but now refuses (shouts, scared another resident; clung to door frame, then shouting in the dinner room).


He refuses turning on the radio or tv (has MD and is blind) I haven’t seen him walk further than 10 steps (he needs to walk 70 to get to his bathroom at home for BM, he has catheter).


He says he just wants to sit with himself in quiet but then shouts for someone (he uses the bell but expects an instant response) and asks them to stay with him. He asks when is he coming home, gets teary. We visit every day (I know it’s too much, but I think at least he gets that stimulation). I feel he is getting weaker through not moving.


Does anyone else's LO do this? What do you do?


He was doing this at home too. The social worker felt that respite might bring stimulation. Mum talked about him coming home yesterday. Carer was in 4 times daily. Me there every day. And he shouts at us too.


Mum refuses to talk about dementia diagnosis (awaiting mri and memory clinic appt) or more care. She says, “they will take his pension; we have to see how it goes.” Silent expectations on me.


Thanking in advance for any guidance.

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Sorry to hear of your dads difficulties. From my own experiences I believe there comes a time when Trying Harder to fix the aged loved ones's problems is no longer helpful. May I suggest you give yourself a few days off and treat yourself to something nice. It sounds like you are very caring and have done your best. Your dad is safe for now. An elderly person with (maybe) dementia may often be unable to be reasonable so spare yourself from visiting for a while. Step back. Wishing you and your family well.
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Ask the respite to arrange a Psychologist for Dad (hopefully he will give concent to talking to someone).

He sounds so frustrated, poor guy.

It can be surprising what people open up & say to a 'Doctor who listens' that they don't feel able to say to family (not wanting to burden or upset them).
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If he can't walk to the bathroom (would a commode be a possibility?), then mom needs to see that he can't come home.

How does NH placement work where you live? Can you find out if mom would be left destitute?
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thanks for your advice. Since I posted SW rang me and said the home doesn’t think he’s ready to be at home given my mums frailty (she’s 83 osteoarthritis) and his lack of mobility. He’s been on what we call a pathway here which is a period of assessment to see what’s going on, he will stay on a temporary basis with the intention of getting him more mobile and then home. I’m now working on getting physio (6 week wait, we were taken off the wait list when he has his seizure so battling that one)
I’ve also tested COVID+, two admin staff at the home have too so visiting is very restricted to 1 now in a pod - I’d reached out to family friends to visit him in the hope it would lift his spirits.
so now I can’t work or visit I have space to chase up figures from social services, take a step back and get on with working on the support dad needs - when life throws lemons……
he has a commode which is referred to as that bl**dy thing. He’s been told to use it at night if he needs to, he refused so we three did the conga out to the loo, mum guiding, dad in the middle, me with the catheter bag. Someone said about screening off to make it more private so I’ll suggest that too.
I just also want to say how much I appreciate your advice, it is golden, I call you my friends in America now thank you xxx
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