Please help me know what do when she wants to call my father who has died 2 weeks ago. She is really worried about him and it is heart breaking. She went to the funeral but has totally blocked it out.
My mother in law would never stop asking questions if we told her her husband was "out" or "coming home tomorrow". While she can't remember he died, she seems to know she hasn't seen him for a while. I disagree it's putting them thru it again and again. Frankly, they don't remember 2 minutes later!
anne, yes, as Jeanne suggests. I had to do this often with my Mom, though it was not my dad she was looking for it was her parents. If I tried to explain their passing mom would become depressed and sometimes despondent. Worked much better to tell her they were on a trip and not available, or with Mom's sibling out for dinner. We cannot call now, they are not home, whatever it takes, means whatever you think will comfort them.
annedb, my condolences on your father's death. I am sorry you are now dealing with your mother's cognitive problems. You have been honest. You have not tried to keep her husband's death from her. But rather than tell her over and over I think it is time to just say something comforting,. "Dad isn't here just now. He went over to Bob's to look at his fishing trip pictures," (or any half-way plausible explanation).and then try to distract her. "Speaking of pictures, would you help me look for box with reunion pictures?" Don't argue about whether he was in his chair this morning, just help her accept that he isn't here now. "He needed to leave to visit his sick friend Tom. He said you don't know Tom -- he is a guy who used to cut his hair. While he is gone I think I'll clean that chair. Where is your hand vac?"
You are mourning, too, and this must be very stressful for you. Hugs to all of you.
My father died 9 weeks ago and my mother, although she knows he was very ill and was caring for him at home, constantly forgets he has died and wanders the house looking for him. She feels she has been abandoned as they were together for 73 years. My sister and I explain every time she persists with "where is daddy now?" that he has died. She then remembers. She has recently started hallucinating and saying that dad was in his chair this morning but then disappeared. If we said dad couldn't come to see her I think she may be even more upset... it is so difficult to know what to do and we are both getting very tired.
My wife forgets that her daughter has passed away. She sometimes asks about her and I always tell her the truth. She does not hold the memory for very long anyway. I have to repeat many things about our current life to her. Like, "to the store," on the way there. I read this question and some of the responses and she had two comments: 1. "I appreciate your telling me the truth and your willingness to repeat things;" 2. "Mabye she could obtain a nice photo of his headstone to show her mom."
This happened a lot with my mom asking where her husband is (I don't think she remembers his name). I just say it's too late now but he'll probably be here in the morning, or, we'll call him a little later, he's working now. She asks less and less all the time and she doesn't remember her first husband at all. I certainly don't want to tell her over and over that he died, once was enough.
This is a question I have thought about often. My mom has Alzheimer's and married a high school boyfriend just 6.5 years ago. It is a sweet story. My dad passed away 45 years ago, tragically. Mom often thinks that she and new husband have been married all along. Then she remembers my dad and becomes terribly upset. I wish I could just make her forget my dad completely, these times are very hard on me, I was 12 at the time.
She also forgets that her parents are deceased, grandpa 50 years ago, grandma 12 years ago at 101. One of her two sisters passed away 60 years ago, she also forgets that many times.
When new husband passes, if he does before her, I plan on telling her that he is in rehab as he has been twice in the last year and a half. This will satisfy her as she will be comforted knowing that she saw him yesterday for dinner, and will again that day for dinner.
I have to agree with most of the other responses. It serves no purpose in continually telling your mom that your dad has passed away. That moment you had when you were told or you realized that your dad had died, there's no reason to take your mom through that on a regular basis. It would be cruel.
"He's at work, Mom" or some other place will do the trick. If he hunted, have him be on a hunting trip. If he traveled for business, have him be on a business trip, etc. Then redirect your mom's attention, "Look at the cardinals outside!" or some other diversion will usually work. Have her favorite foods on hand so you can use that as a diversion. Sometimes a tv show will work. Whatever is going on around you, use as a diversion. Then just do this each time she wants to know where your dad is. I know it's emotionally exhausting but consider the alternative. No one should be told of their loved ones death throughout the day as if it just happened. She'll experience it over and over and over.
You'll be doing a good thing. The right thing. The loving thing. While you yourself grieve. You're a good daughter.
I really appreciate all of your responses. I was at a total loss. Tonight has been the first night that she has not said anything about my dad. She has called a few times but not the insistent I wonder statements. It was very painful to me to see her worry about him. I have not gotten to grieve over my father. It was very difficult letting him go but I feel he was worn out. Today she said she did not remember living at the address that she found in her address book. That was the house that she was at for 20 years of their retirement and where my dad was picked up by the ambulance. I hope she forgets and will settle in because going back home is not an option. It really really helped hearing from you all. It is all new to me. Thank you..
Thanks, jeannegibbs. It helps to hear from someone who has been down this path already. I wish there was a manual to follow about how to care for aging parents! I have told my mom what she wanted to hear a couple of times to ease her mind, like when I moved her to a facility with a higher level of service and she repeatedly asked it the new facility was closer to my house. Even though it is 7 miles away versus 4 miles to the old one, I finally told her yes, and she stopped asking. It's not like either one was walking distance anyway. But this one just seemed too personal to lie about and I was caught off-guard at 7am! I am going to practice a couple of good answers that will calm her down and won't seem quite so dishonest to me so that I am prepared next time. I will also remember your suggested response in the event that she does remember what I told her. Thanks again.
akdaughter, I understand your concern. My husband had Lewy Body Dementia, which is characterized by great fluctuations -- good days/bad days, even good hours/bad hours. My mother has dementia and has mostly lucid days but some periodic bouts of confusion. Anything I've told either of them during their "bad" moments has never been remembered later. Neither has ever said, "Last night you told me so-and-so and it isn't true!" If they had I would have said, "Mom, you were so upset and confused yesterday I didn't think it was a good time to talk about that. I knew you'd be better later and we could talk then." But it has never come up. I cared for my husband nine and a half years, and my mother has had dementia a couple of years.
I think you can safely assume that if Mom is confused enough to be asking for Dad who died 6 years ago, that she isn't going to remember your exact response. And that is another reason for the fib. If you tell "the truth" she will be very upset but she won't remember the answer. So she'll ask again when she is confused and you'll have to go through the same trauma.
You are a great daughter to be thinking about how to handle this is the way that is best for Mom.
You are worried about the "what ifs" Just concentrate on doing or saying what they need to hear. Anylie you get caught in correct that one or change the subject . The forgetfulness is going to happen.
Is there a way to know when it is the right time to use the theraputic fibbing? My mom's dementia is getting progressively worse, but some days (and hours) she is fairly well oriented. This morning at 7am she called me from her assisted living apartment and said "What is going on? Your dad is not here." Dad died six years ago and as of last week, she still knew he had died. My concern is that if I tell her he is on a fishing trip or at the dentist, etc. a few hours later she will remember that he died and wonder why I lied to her. Since I am the only family member that she relies on, and I have always been honest with her, I am not sure what to do. The concensus opinion seems to be that fibbing is the best response, and I agree with that approach to calm them down if they won't remember the conversation anyway, but is there a way to know they won't remember?
My dad asks my mother many times each day where his mother is. She's been dead for 30 years. For more than a year my mom would tell him that his mom died a long time ago. He would then ask why no one told him she died and then spend hours with his address book looking for her phone number to call her. Finally she started telling him she's at her house in New York and that they will see her next summer. It's not true but it was far less upsetting than the truth.
I am sure this is very hard... I am sorry that this is happening! I would encourage you to use a theraputic fiblet(an alzheimer's disease trick). Just say something about well he is at work or outside or whatever to distract her and then get her interested in something else. If you can even get her to understand for a short time then she will just be sad...She will also not remember for long that he is gone. My Mother will often talk with me about relatives that have been gone for awhile and I always worry that she does not realize they are gone... It is NOT easy, please take care...
Hi Tara, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and this agony with your mom. Many of us have lived through this, so I'm glad you wrote.
I agree totally with most of these comments. My feeling is that after a death, we tell the surviving person with dementia just one time about the death. To me, that is about dignity. And you did that. You mom went to the funeral, after all.
After that, if they forget, why put them through it all over again? It brings pain to them, and their renewed grief will bring pain to you, as well.
Whatever could be keeping your dad away - a fishing trip, a business trip - anything that makes sense from their past as a couple, you can use. After saying he's busy, then say he'll be by when he can and quickly distract her to something else. You'll repeat this process often, but whatever you say you'll have to repeat it often, so why not make it easier on both of you?
If your mom doesn't have dementia and just temporarily block out your dad's death, then it's actually harder. My mom had mild dementia, and she blocked out his funeral. She just kept saying "did he really die?" That went on for weeks. There was, under the circumstances, no way to fudge the answer. It was awful for both of us. Mom didn't live too long after Dad died. I think part of her went with him. If this mirrors your situation more than the answers about dementia, then all I can tell you is that she will eventually ask less often. There's not a lot of comfort in that, but we're with you in spirit, if that helps at all. Take care, Carol
I disagree with the writer who says to say he has passed away. Telling her this consistently just means she grieves over and over again. I agree with the first response. Find out where she thinks he is and then then assure her that he is sleeping or having tests is best. You may even find that pulling out the photo album and discussing some of the pictures and asking her to tell you about their wedding day is a nice distraction. Remember that everyday is new and what works one day may not work on another. Hang in there though, your doing great.
My mother wants to go home where "mama and daddy" are. I and my sister tell her that she has to bathe first, because her daddy wants her to be fresh when she comes over. After the bath, she usually has forgotten until the next late afternoon. Lying to my mom is no longer considered wrong to us. She doesn't know the difference and the lies keep her calm. A calm dementia patient is a manageable one. Just tell plausible lies she will soon accept your tale.
I would jusy gently tell mom that dad has passed away..If he was sick before he died you might reassure her that he no longer suffers. You can also mention that he has gone to a better place. He does not have worry about terrorism, taxes or telephone calls trying to sell him something.
I am sorry for your loss. When your mom wants to speak to your dad, go to the phone, act like you are dialing, then say the line is busy you can call back later. Just keep doing this. She will forget more in time. Let her mind do the forgetting and do not say your dad is dead, at least not until she might say something about the funeral or whatever lead up to his death.
My dad passed away in 2005. My mother started having dementia symptoms in 2011, so she was well aware what had happened to him. She only asks where he is when she is either in the hospital or in skilled nursing care after the hospital stay. Both of those places make the dementia even worse. She never forgets at home, only while she is there.
What I found helpful for me was to give a very quick answer such as "I don't know where he is" and then divert her attention elsewhere, eg. "Mom, I'm hungry are you?" She then focused not on where he was but on something else.
My dad passed away three years ago before my mom's dementia got to the point that she could not manage on her own. Her brother passed away in November of 2012. Mom also went to the funeral although there was only once throughout that whole day that she understood exactly who had passed away and she cried and said that she didn't know that it was my uncle who had died. In the past year, mom asks more often about my father, her siblings and her mom. I used to tell her the truth which was puzzling to her briefly and sometimes very upsetting (depending on what kind of day she was having). For me and her, I now realize it is easier to say that they are doing well, the weather has been bad or they are really busy and will come see her when they get time. Mom will have moved on to another topic or we occupy her with something else. The truth serves no purpose to her any longer. For several weeks, it was troubling to my mom after my uncle passed away because she knew "something had happened" to him but could not remember what. Hopefully with time your mom can accept that your dad won't be coming to visit her. Or more likely she won't remember when she last saw him.This is particularly difficult for you because it is so recent.
Personally, I would not confront her over and over again with this very sad loss. Try to provide her some comfort and reassurance. She wants to call him where -- was he in a hospital, or nursing home? Can you say something like, "Dad is having tests all morning, and we can't talk to him." or "Dad is peaceful now after a hard morning of therapy. I didn't want to disturb him but the staff will call us if he needs anything. I left a message that we love him." Try to put her mind at ease that she doesn't need to worry about him. Perhaps she will gradually come to accept that he is gone. Perhaps not. In any case, having her constantly in a state of learning of his death for the first time does not serve any purpose, in my mind.
My mother didn't have dementia when my father died 15 years ago. She was fully aware of his death. Now she does have dementia. She recently asked why he didn't come with her to visit me. I told her he was haves a boys' weekend with his poker buddies why she and I had fun. She was having a bad day and was particularly fragile. Why cause her deep pain with "the truth"? The next day was better for her and she did not ask for Dad at all.
I'm sure what you are experiencing with your mother is heartbreaking for you, on top of your own grief at your dad's passing. Hugs to you as you try to be strong and kind. I hope there is someone else who can comfort you.
I agree with those who feel that once the person has been told (we owe them that chance to grieve) it's time to move forward and just say that they are out or that she'll see him "soon." You may want to read this article for more details: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/telling-someone-with-dementia-their-spouse-died-133806.htm
Take care of yourself. This is a tough assignment since you are also grieving.
Carol
You are mourning, too, and this must be very stressful for you. Hugs to all of you.
She also forgets that her parents are deceased, grandpa 50 years ago, grandma 12 years ago at 101. One of her two sisters passed away 60 years ago, she also forgets that many times.
When new husband passes, if he does before her, I plan on telling her that he is in rehab as he has been twice in the last year and a half. This will satisfy her as she will be comforted knowing that she saw him yesterday for dinner, and will again that day for dinner.
I have to agree with most of the other responses. It serves no purpose in continually telling your mom that your dad has passed away. That moment you had when you were told or you realized that your dad had died, there's no reason to take your mom through that on a regular basis. It would be cruel.
"He's at work, Mom" or some other place will do the trick. If he hunted, have him be on a hunting trip. If he traveled for business, have him be on a business trip, etc. Then redirect your mom's attention, "Look at the cardinals outside!" or some other diversion will usually work. Have her favorite foods on hand so you can use that as a diversion. Sometimes a tv show will work. Whatever is going on around you, use as a diversion. Then just do this each time she wants to know where your dad is. I know it's emotionally exhausting but consider the alternative. No one should be told of their loved ones death throughout the day as if it just happened. She'll experience it over and over and over.
You'll be doing a good thing. The right thing. The loving thing. While you yourself grieve. You're a good daughter.
A possible "non-lying" response would be "He's fine. You can talk to him later." Or "What did you want to tell him?"
A part of her knows that this happened recently. Her grief will ease with time, just like yours.
I think you can safely assume that if Mom is confused enough to be asking for Dad who died 6 years ago, that she isn't going to remember your exact response. And that is another reason for the fib. If you tell "the truth" she will be very upset but she won't remember the answer. So she'll ask again when she is confused and you'll have to go through the same trauma.
You are a great daughter to be thinking about how to handle this is the way that is best for Mom.
I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and this agony with your mom. Many of us have lived through this, so I'm glad you wrote.
I agree totally with most of these comments. My feeling is that after a death, we tell the surviving person with dementia just one time about the death. To me, that is about dignity. And you did that. You mom went to the funeral, after all.
After that, if they forget, why put them through it all over again? It brings pain to them, and their renewed grief will bring pain to you, as well.
Whatever could be keeping your dad away - a fishing trip, a business trip - anything that makes sense from their past as a couple, you can use. After saying he's busy, then say he'll be by when he can and quickly distract her to something else. You'll repeat this process often, but whatever you say you'll have to repeat it often, so why not make it easier on both of you?
If your mom doesn't have dementia and just temporarily block out your dad's death, then it's actually harder. My mom had mild dementia, and she blocked out his funeral. She just kept saying "did he really die?" That went on for weeks. There was, under the circumstances, no way to fudge the answer. It was awful for both of us. Mom didn't live too long after Dad died. I think part of her went with him. If this mirrors your situation more than the answers about dementia, then all I can tell you is that she will eventually ask less often. There's not a lot of comfort in that, but we're with you in spirit, if that helps at all.
Take care,
Carol
What I found helpful for me was to give a very quick answer such as "I don't know where he is" and then divert her attention elsewhere, eg. "Mom, I'm hungry are you?" She then focused not on where he was but on something else.
My mother didn't have dementia when my father died 15 years ago. She was fully aware of his death. Now she does have dementia. She recently asked why he didn't come with her to visit me. I told her he was haves a boys' weekend with his poker buddies why she and I had fun. She was having a bad day and was particularly fragile. Why cause her deep pain with "the truth"? The next day was better for her and she did not ask for Dad at all.
I'm sure what you are experiencing with your mother is heartbreaking for you, on top of your own grief at your dad's passing. Hugs to you as you try to be strong and kind. I hope there is someone else who can comfort you.