Dad (86) has dementia and my siblings and I are having problems with his wife.

msdistress, your Dad's wife is probably too exhausted to want to go out and do things for herself. Caregiving is very overwhelming when you are doing it 168 hours a week, even with someone there to help.

I found with my parents, they didn't want caregivers in the house, they didn't want to spend the money even though they had saved for these types of rainy days. My Mom felt it was her duty/job to take care of my Dad and their home, even at the age of 98... [sigh]. It was total denial of her age and what she could do.

Sometimes for our parents to realize they need to hire more help, we need to step back. Cut back on the hours you and your sibling are there. Have a family meeting with the sibling to talk about it. Then a meeting with the parents.

I know it will be rough, but maybe it will be a wake-up call for them. Time to maybe downsize to Independent Living where there is weekly housekeeping and one meal per day in the main dining room. Hey, I am ready to sign up :)

But don't be surprised if your Dad and his wife fight you all on this. Some elders will fight to keep their independence no matter what.

My daughter has helped me a lot by enabling me to go to a weekly church meeting that I value. For several years now, every Thursday evening, she shows up at 6 with carry-out dinners (she has our credit card) for herself and my husband with dementia. She does my hair, and I go to my 7:30 meeting. They watch M*A*S*H* and the Andy Griffith Show, and he goes to bed. She leaves and I come home about 9:30. This has been a life-saver for me. I've kept active in leadership in my church group, and I have maintained a great group of friends. Before my husband was admitted to hospice, she would take him to restaurants each Thursday, inviting any and all family members to join them. She's as regular as clockwork. This is in addition to her working full time and having her own family. Her gift to us has inestimable value to our lives -- especially in supporting me in having a life of my own while caregiving.

Rakshita, I would like your and your daughter's arrangements printed out, framed and hung on every caregiver's wall as an example! You must be very proud of her, and it is really touching how important it is to her to stay closely involved with you both.

Poor dear. Poor you. This is so uncomfortable for everyone!

How long have they been married? Has she had a good relationship with you and your siblings? Does she have children?

When you go there and she doesn't leave the house, what does she do? I know that I sometimes just collapsed and took a nap when someone else could stay with my husband. But really, it is very important for the caregiver to get away from the situation regularly. If at all possible she should go for a walk or to a movie or out to lunch or bowling or to a museum -- whatever suits her interests and energy level. It would be a kindness if you could encourage this.

Do you have any idea why she resists the notion of extending the in-home help to more hours a week? Is it a financial concern? Does she feel guilty about it? What is preventing her from getting the help she needs? You and your sibs should still help your dad, but under the circumstances it is unrealistic to expect that you kids can meet all the household needs.

When you are caregiving a spouse with dementia you have to continue doing what you used to do, take over what your spouse used to do, and take on an entire new set of responsibilities for his care. No wonder your dad's wife feels overwhelmed, especially is she is close to his age. She really has to have help. The alternative is to place Dad in a suitable care center.

Is there anyone you can think of that she might listen to? Someone she wouldn't get angry and defensive with? Clergy? A good friend? Even your dad's doctor? A more detached relative?

She needs in-home help, in addition to what you and sibs can provide. And she needs to take advantage of opportunities to leave the house.

I hope you can figure out a way to overcome her resistance.

No one can care for our loved one better than we can....
He might need me, I am the only one that really knows what he wants....
He is lost without me.......
What if something happens when I am gone.....
There is always the fear when you do leave the house when you return the car of the caregiver will not be there. That they left for what ever reason.
These are all thoughts that I had.
It may take someone else to get her out. A friend taking her to lunch or the movies. But I can tell you that friends are few and far between. They seem to drop off the face of the earth when you are a caregiver.
Or she needs a set time that she has to leave. Does she go to a support group? If not maybe she should and someone could be with your dad then.
A hair appointment once a month. Nails...something where she has to leave and do something for herself.

Yes, leave her alone. If you have tried to help and she still refuses, stop giving the help until SHE asks for it. Most people do not want to admit they need help and you would be amazed at how much one can accomplish when left alone. You find a way to do things you probably didn't know you could do, or figure out a way to do the task. I learned how to repair a roof fascia just by inventing a way & it passed the insurance inspector, other repairs to our house (it closes escrow tomorrow!), and have now taken care of my 90 yr. old husband with one hand/wrist in a cast for two weeks and two more weeks to go. Step-mom will increase the hours of the helper if you tell her you will be unavailable. Trust me, she will. Family sometimes need to back off (for your own respite), and let your step-mom shine!

Grandma1954 brought up good points about how she may feel too "scared, etc." to go, especially if she stays in the room with you.

Also, she may be the kind of person that won't accept anything unless it's done the way she wants it to be done, like when she wants your siblings to chip in more even when that's not really an option.

I have something else to add and it's a different take.

Forgive me for this, and you know I know I'm not going on very many details here, but maybe she feels underappreciated.

I am NOT saying that you don't appreciate her, or that you don't tell her or show her.

I'm saying that she may not see it or feel it.

Is there a gift you could give her that she would really like? I'm not telling you to spend much, but something carefully thought about. Something that might show her that you really care about what she likes and that you pay attention enough to her to bring her something special that she would really enjoy.

Something that might SHOW her that you care for her more than just as a wife and caretaker for your father.

Again, I'm not saying that you don't value her that way, but when I'm hurt and angry and defensive it takes more to get through to me for me to see that someone really cares.

Additionally, I would really like alone time with my parent, but can you instead, some of the time, take both of them out to something they would both enjoy?

Maybe if you showed her that you value their relationship as a couple, and got to know her a little better, so to speak, maybe you can start to get through to her that way, and maybe she'd open up a bit.

I haven't taken the time to figure out why, but for some reason, it occurred to me that maybe if you showed her that you really cared about her as more than just a wife to your dad, maybe she might be able to try to sometimes not be as defensive and angry.

Every one has tried to be so helpful in making suggestions to help the stepmother and maybe the one person that could influence her to get extra help is one no one has suggested. Even though her son lives far away possibly he could be contacted and he could suggest to his mother that she needs to get extra help. She may feel that he is the one who is thinking of her and not everyone else thinking of their father in this. She may feel that his children are only thinking of him and not her welfare whereas her son would be thinking of her welfare.

I have the "I am going to be a bag lady on the streets of xxxx town". It probably wouldn't matter if I had a couple of million dollars, I would probably feel the same insecurity. She may feel that way too and that is why she is not hiring extra help. I don't know, can you ask her why she doesn't get extra help?
Perhaps she wants to do it all by herself, my daughter is that way. From the time she was 18 months old and wanted to dress herself to 53 and with a broken leg in a cast and used the ATV to feed the stock. She finally had to ask me for help when she had a hysterectomy. She hated every minute of it.

I think it's OK that your stepmother doesn't leave the house when someone comes in to care for your dad. She may not have the energy to get dressed and get out and find something to do for several hours. If it were me I'd be taking a nap during that time with my door firmly closed.

Also, if your stepmother keeps complaining that she needs help yet doesn't accept more help that's available to her there's not much you can do about that. It's her responsibility to hire more help if that's what she needs but I can understand that it's frustrating to listen to her complain about not having enough help when there's help available that she doesn't take advantage of.