Dad (86) has dementia and my siblings and I are having problems with his wife.

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She keeps saying she needs help but doesn't get any. Dad is declining and while we try to help as much as possible, I give one day a week, many of my siblings work full time so that leaves only the weekends. My step mother only has a woman one day a week for a few hours and we have tried to tell her she needs more help but she hasn't extended her hours even though she could. She has gotten very nasty with me and several of my siblings about all the work she has to do for our father and that none of us help her, which is not true. I'm really stuck as to what to do. When I've tried to talk to her about it she becomes angry and defensive and talks only about herself. When I go there to give her a "break" day, she never leaves the house. I know she has caregiver burn out but she refuses to admit it. Any suggestions?

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Auto correct changed your name from Rakshita ..sorry
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I agree! When I read how your daughter helps you Rashida I said, 'WOW!'. I've never had family or friends offer to help with my mom really. How blessed you are!
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I'd be guessing but she is probably worried about what will happen with the house/their savings. Medicaid has long term care here in NY state which affords home health aides, meals on wheels, physical therapy, non-emergency transportation, social day care and much more. She is also probably reluctant to admit the situation is "too much" for her to handle.
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Here's my spin. Some people just like to complain but aren't willing to help themselves. Nothing u can do for them. You called her "his wife" so I assume you were an adult when they married. I personally don't feel a person is a stepparent unless they had some input in raising you. I think you all need to sit down and ask her what she needs or wants from you all. If she can afford it, tell her to get an aide to care for ur Dad for a couple of hours a day. There r services out there. Call Office of the aging. Maybe it's time for hospice. Get a free aide with them. Some hospices have volunteers who will sit with the patient why the Caregiver shops. Check it all out, then tell her. If she is still resistant, tell her u have done what u can. There are some people you just can't satisfy. Sometimes they don't really know what they want.
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I have the "I am going to be a bag lady on the streets of xxxx town". It probably wouldn't matter if I had a couple of million dollars, I would probably feel the same insecurity. She may feel that way too and that is why she is not hiring extra help. I don't know, can you ask her why she doesn't get extra help?
Perhaps she wants to do it all by herself, my daughter is that way. From the time she was 18 months old and wanted to dress herself to 53 and with a broken leg in a cast and used the ATV to feed the stock. She finally had to ask me for help when she had a hysterectomy. She hated every minute of it.
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Some how I did 't see the answer moecam gave , which turns out to be what I was thinking about the son being the one person that could help in this matter. We were thinking along the same lines.
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Every one has tried to be so helpful in making suggestions to help the stepmother and maybe the one person that could influence her to get extra help is one no one has suggested. Even though her son lives far away possibly he could be contacted and he could suggest to his mother that she needs to get extra help. She may feel that he is the one who is thinking of her and not everyone else thinking of their father in this. She may feel that his children are only thinking of him and not her welfare whereas her son would be thinking of her welfare.
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Try to involve her son even if he lives elsewhere - phone & get hold of him - tell him what you said here - also that you are concerned about her overdoing thing etc - he may get across to her in a different way - also she will know that you are genuinely concerned for HER & her health -

She may be taking it as you & siblings are interfering when you are trying to show concideration - when a person is dead tired they react much like you describe -

She may be afraid if she leaves you alone with dad you may talk him into something she doesn't want especially if you are always saying trying to get her out of the house so stop & say you are there for them both - bring a small treat or call first & bring a casserole to pop in oven - ask her if there are any chores that need an extra pair of hands since two work 3 times faster

If dad can be left for short time then offer to take her out for lunch or help with groceries 'because we girls don't get enough time together' - she may feel that you only come for him so start coming for THEM
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Sometimes people complain just to be heard, they don't really want "solutions" they just want acknowledgement that they are being appreciated and seen to be doing "the right thing".
I have no idea why your stepmom doesn't leave you alone with your dad, you can always ask her. Maybe also ask her what she wants you to do. IF the answer is "nothing", then do nothing. If she has funds to get more help, knows she can and won't, then it's her problem (as long as your father is not suffering in the midst of this all).
My mother recently went on a complaint rage about how she will never see her beloved brother again--he is 91 and getting frail. I said "Would you allow T (my sister) and me to help you go see him for 2 days? It's VERY doable". She said "Oh that would be wonderful". Well, all of 20 minutes were spent on the computer figuring out airlines, hotels and renting a car. We could have her in Oregon in 1.5 hours and to the hotel shortly after that. When I emailed my sis about possibly doing this, she laughed and said "Mom has already called Uncle D and felt that a "chat" was all she needed." I had to laugh--mother is all talk and no action. She just wanted somebody to "feel" her sadness at missing her brother. (Whom, BTW, she never ONCE visited in the 55 years he lived out of our state.) She just wanted to be heard. She didn't want anything to HAPPEN.
No doubt your stepmom is tired, but it may be she is doing this to make a point or just because she's stubborn. As a STEPmom, she has a different relationship with all the kids. You must tread lightly. And honestly? Some people LOVE to be negative and nasty. That's how they protect themselves, or that's just how they are.
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Rakshita, I would like your and your daughter's arrangements printed out, framed and hung on every caregiver's wall as an example! You must be very proud of her, and it is really touching how important it is to her to stay closely involved with you both.
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