Dad being over medicated by spouse. What can I do?

Since dad told you to "back off," it may be best or this could go real bad very quickly.  He's obviously not unhappy.  Maybe this is the path he's chosen, and he chooses to be with her and for her to help him as she is.  Maybe he told her to sell his jewelry or maybe she needed to sell it to help pay expenses.  And maybe he told her to put all in her name cause he loves her and maybe to thank her for sticking with him and helping him or to make sure she's cared for if he's gone. 

It's unfortunate, but being out of the loop often happens with step parents. 

Maybe she's having trouble (little dementia?), and forgets how many pills or which pills she's given him?  Maybe she needs someone to help her with this. 

You might want to ask her if there's anything you can do to help, and start doing those things.  Do they need any money?  Lots of people say no; you have to hand them the money ~ if you have any extra, even $10, $20.  And/or you could just pay for some things to be done.  You might offer to take him off her hands a few days by taking him to your home?  come over and do things needed?  wash their car/s or take them to be washed .. serviced, stay (babysit) with him ..give him what he needs.. so she can go out? and give her a break, .. laundry, cooking (or bring meals), house & yard help, pick up prescriptions?  groceries? order groceries?  ride to drs? dds?  Do they need garbage service to pick up garbage at the door? You could set that up for them.  Pay/write their bills?  Help with banking?  She may need help and feel she has no one to help her care for him or too uncomfortable or embarrassed to ask, or not realize she really needs help, too.  People often don't ask for help when they really do need and welcome help.  She may be very overwhelmed with his care and trying to care for herself, too. 

As you said, you don't want to give her an excuse to spite you by blocking contact and creating a more strained relationship with her.  On the other hand, she is taking care of him, though it may not be how you think is best or even is best; she's at least there and helping him so he's fed and not in squalor. 

I'd work on trying to help her care for him without interfering, unless it becomes obvious they both need care and then you'll need to work on getting care for both of them.  She may be more open with you if you address her needs.

Good luck.

The doctor that prescribed the meds can’t talk to you but you can certainly communicate with him/her. Call or write and relate what you told here, using only the factual things you’ve witnessed with your dad and not being critical of step mom. The doctor should be informed on what’s going on with the meds and the overuse, that’s a big deal now in the medical community.

I'm so sorry for the stress of having to stand at the sidelines and watch this unfold. You say you aren't wealthy, but do you have $300-ish for a consult with an elder law attorney? His professional knowledge may allow you to start making a case, if protecting your dad from her is what you want the outcome to be. You do realize if you succeed she couldn't be trusted around him anymore. How would your Dad react to him losing his wife?

If your Dad is not mentally incapacitated, you would not be able to pursue guardianship in the courts. You CAN call APS and report your concerns, but you are correct in assuming she'd cut you off. Then your only recourse would be an attorney for sure if the county doesn't see any reason to intervene.

I do believe you should contact his doctor's office IN WRITING and inform them of the willful overdosing. I'm not sure what else you can do legally except if you can get your dad on a clear day take him to an attorney and see if he's willing to reassign his PoA to you as long as you promise not to cut off his wife (but then you will always need to be on the lookout for her convincing him to change it back to her). Or, you can strike a deal and say you won't start a legal case if your dad agrees to make you jointly durable PoA with the wife. This would allow you to legally be privy and part decision-maker to all his medical and financial dealings. By the way, have you ever actually seen the original PoA paperwork? I'd ask to see it. She doesn't have the authority just because she's married to him...I wish you peace in your heart and much success as you work to protect your dad!

Report this to (APS) Adult Protective Services.   You can ask them to keep the report anonymous, but she will know it was you...who else would know that she gives him sleeping pills multiple times a day.  You are definitely between a rock and a hard place.  When there are step-parents involved, you as the child are pretty much out of the picture with the decision making unless he had paperwork in place that says otherwise.  I am sorry you are going through this, but I'm not sure how you are going to save your dad from himself.

Is he home bound at all? This is a technical term for if he only leaves the house to go to doctor visits, haircuts. If so he may be eligible for a visiting nurse. I would write the doctor as suggested above and ask the doc to request a visiting nurse for his diabetes, pain assessment and some medication monitoring and teaching. The nurse goes in once or a few times a week depending upon the needs of the patient. The nurse assesses the meds your father is on, can make recommendations to the doc and can assess if he is being safely cared for. The doc doesn’t have to say it was requested by you, the doc can recommend it after the next time he sees your father. This way any monitoring or observations are made by an unrelated party.

You need to contact your local Adult Protective Services. They are an organization if an adult is being abused they will take action or in the least be able to guide you depending on the situation.

Find out how many doctors are giving those meds. Also how many pharmacies are dispensing them. If it is one doctor and one pharmacy - start with the doctor and explain the situation.

Notify the physician immediately!!! Explain the situation and demand that no more prescriptions be dispensed. The local pharmacies need to be notified as well since there is the issue of her using multiple pharmacies to get additional medications. Remove all medications from the home and take over administration of the medications. Notify adult protective services of the situation as this is abuse. The reporting is anonymous. You are saying the physician won't speak with you. He needs to understand that someone's safety is at stake. Was he cognitively intact when the POA was executed? I would also contact an elder law attorney.

Step mom is holding the reins on this, so step carefully.

Seroquel is a very sedating drug. I take it for sleep and it doesn't MAKE me sleepy, it simply lets me go BACK to sleep once I finally do fall asleep.

The dosage on that stuff is REALLY varied--from 25 mgs to as much as 800 mgs---I guess it's been around forever and is used for a lot of things.

The Prozac wouldn't worry me. But the sleeping pills in the am? A red flag.

You don't want to get on step mom's bad side. Do speak to an attorney, to see what your rights are, but don't be surprised to find that dad is still driving the bus.

Contact your local sheriff's department, file a report, and adult protective services regarding your concerns.

Dads Doctor would be very interested to hear of the abuse of the medicine. An immediate thing he could do, without involving you, is regulate the prescription. He could write the sleeping medicine prescription for 30 pills only, with no refills. There would no extras to give him during the day, and she would need a new refill every month.

The Doctor can’t reveal details about your Dad, but he should always be open to hearing from family if there are problems. Call him ASAP. Good luck.

Call his doctor. Let him/her know what you have written to all of us. She is putting his life at risk. It is a form of domestic violence/abuse. You may also contact the police in their area - use the non 911 phone number - and report your complaint. All of these professionals should investigate the complaint.

Be prepared that his wife will probably give you a hard time. Your dad will most likely be removed from their home and placed in a a residential facility. She may be charged with crimes and possibly sentenced to some jail time.

I would start with asking him how he feels and what he wants to do,,,with absolutely no prompting whatsoever. And then, believe him. If he asks for assistance then assist. Thank God you are reaching out. Leave your judgement at the door.

Honestly, my best advice to you is to befriend your stepmom and at least try to come off as being helpful and willing to step in and step UP to help with anything they might need in or around the house. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...isn't that how the saying goes? Do you have a valid license for your backseat driving skill set? It can be easy (when you're not the primary caregiver) to stand back and judge/criticize.

If you continue with the he said/she said accusations, you're not going to get very far, and you're guaranteed to further alienate yourself from your stepmom AND your Dad. You have the choice, going forward, as to how you're going to proceed. You can make it ugly, or try the best you can to play nice. Ball's in your court.

Imho, he's fortunate that he didn't become dependent on the sleeping aides and the Seroquel. Good grief! Why on earth would he need a sleeping pill upon arising for the day? Something seems majorly amiss with his wife.

UPDATE TO ABOVE.

Thank you so much for all the input and suggestions. Just suffice to say, I have followed all of them in the process. I am too kind hearted and was probably too willing to do whatever was needed. All that did was teach her that she could use me. She still won't give up control.

Here is the latest:Thank you. Yes. My sister and I called the MD. The SM has dropped her POA on all the docs so they won't speak to us but we documented and sent everything to her.

Last month his wife filled 30 sleeping pills at Wal-Mart and the next day she filled 60 more, same doc, different script. Why they did that... We got the records. My sister calls it chemical restraint. She actually fills 5 types of antidepressants/ssris.

I snuck in and removed them all from his morning meds and remarkably, it's not easy to now know he has anything medically wrong. He's walking every night and is no longer in a stupor during the day. He says he feels the best he has felt in 6 months and it shows. Was a temporary fix but I needed this relief.

My dad has NO clue why he is suddenly doing so well. The wife is pissed but there are so many pills, she hasn't figured out the sleeping pills have been removed. We are going to take further action. But the stress and worry, I am taking a breath and just enjoying the relief of having these few weeks where he is doing and feeling great. I realize that we still have to do more...

Glad to see your update. I hope you’ll report this doctor to your state medical board. Your dad is blessed to have you in his corner and taking action on his behalf