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My dad and I have a very difficult relationship. (Background - I moved to Az 5 years ago to help take care of my Mom. She died in Dec. I'm the only surviving offspring ). He is a narcissistic and vindictive man, but he is my dad, and I love him anyway, and have always wanted to please him- but it's almost impossible. Today he asked me to visit different branches of his bank, to find a broker who would come to his ALF, as he is in a wheelchair, and it's hard for him to get around. I found one, and initiated the change. I guess I'm naive about fund managers, and how they claim "ownership" over someone's account. A fight ensued between the current broker and the local one( who would see my dad at the ALF). My dad called me, furious because both brokers had called him to fight over his accounts. He told me to stay out of his business from now on. I'm only trying to help and do what he asks. He has 15k cash hidden in his home- I've been begging him to let me put it in a safe deposit box. People come in and out of his apartment all day. There is a lot of staff turnover and he has already had his oxycodone stolen because he leaves it out. He also has a loaded handgun (in a lockbox, at my insistence). I don't know how to help him- but I feel like I need to take a step back and let him handle his own business, even if he screws it up. He's not incompetent- just using some really bad judgment. I've always hated it when he finds fault with me, even when I'm 58! So, I guess it just pushes my buttons, and I think should I back away and let the chips fall?

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Nobody in an ALF needs or should have a gun of any kind. Wake up and smell the coffee.
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So you think I don't know that?
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Hi, Kendra. I would take advantage of what your dad said and let him handle his own business unless he becomes incompetent. It is not such a problem having a finance manager that can't visit him. Your father can talk to him on the phone. Are you his POA? I don't know what types of investments your father has, but they may require more than a simple withdrawal or transfer. Your father needs to decide exactly what he wants to do, then let the finance managers handle it. Chances are that there would be no benefits to the change -- I don't know.

I do wish you could get the money and guns out of the room. That is tempting the people who work there and really serves no purpose. You will probably just have to look for opportunities to arise. Why in the world does he think he needs that kind of money or a gun in AL? The logic of older men can leave me in confusion at times. You have my sympathy. We can only do what we can and look for opportunities to get rid of problems.
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Kendra, what a good daughter you are to have moved house to be close to your parents, and to try to do your dad's bidding!

Are you dad's PoA? Has he had a neurocognitive workup? Dx of dementia or cognitive impairment?
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If you're going to do something that's going to piss your dad off - make it worthwhile and take his gun away.
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I think it's possible your dad is making poor choices because he's menttally and always has been, or because he has dementia. But the question really comes down to how his behavior affects you and your life.

Let's say he gets thrown out of the AL, either because of his erratic behavior, his gun, or because he spends all his money foolishly. Are you going to feel obligated to come rescue him? Take him into your home? Impoverish yourself by quitting your job and trying to care for him? ( alone, because he won't qualify for Medicaid if he's gifted money).

You really need to figure out NOW how much you're going to allow him to ruin your life.

Me, I'd give him a wide berth from now on. Make sure his lawyer or someone has poa and if he asks for help like that again, say " oh, i couldn't do that."
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Mentally ill, that should say.
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For me, the clue is in the A of ALF. Your father pays high rent to have people on hand to do his bidding. The glory of that is that you don't have to. All you have to do is turn up and say "I love you Daddy" - privately adding "in spite of everything."

The irony of these people is that, quite often, I have found, once you stop trying to please them they like you better. Give it a whirl and see what happens. Hugs.
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Thanks for the kind answers. I am feeling much better today! It can be an emotional roller coaster, especially in light of our many years of dysfunction . Dad has always owned firearms. He coached rifle teams for many years, and even owned a gun store. I don't like the idea that he has it - but I walk a fine line with him. I guess I'm trying to get in there and help too much... I should know better(!) as he has always been in control. I think my best plan is to back off a bit (as suggested) and stay on good terms with him. I do have POA in the event that he is incapacitated. If his stuff gets stolen, I'll try not to say "I told you so".
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And, yes, he has always had some mental illness. He's a brilliant guy- did weapons research for the Army- but a bad temper and some strange obsessions goes along with it. I think the gun and money are in case society collapses. Go figure.
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I had to laugh. My mother talks about the end days a lot, like they're going to happen tomorrow. I tell her that I don't think we'll have to worry about Armageddon, since we'll probably both be gone before it happens. It makes me wonder if older people start thinking about the end times because their own time on earth is growing short. If they go, they want to take everyone with them. :-D
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It is kind of funny. I'm not sure what the plan is- maybe when it all goes to H3ll, we'll drive out of of town in a blaze of gunfire, with our bags of money. I just hope the elevators are still operational.
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ROFL. Me, too.

(Whoops. Better not roll on floor. May not be able to get up.)
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