My 88 year old father is acting like a teenage boy and making some dangerous decisions. How can I protect him?

He's not demented, he's just having the time of his life. You won't get a POA out of him as long as he can still have sex; if it kills him he will go out with a smile.

Another thing that you might not of thought of, the old gentleman is going to need checked for STDs. Yikes.

You are right to be alarmed!

Get the car and guns away from him for his safety and the safety of others. Talk to the doctor, if you get nowhere, which I suspect since a reasonable doctor would not have prescribed this drug for a man in his condition, then I would file a report with the AMA and also go online and find every profile he has that allow you to write reviews and post that you are not happy with this doctor.

I would also contact the police about this family. The lady he is having the relationship with may or may not be involved. She may be a victim of her brother also. I would also talk to the people who run this senior center and let them know your concerns. Ask around, this may have happened to someone else there. If it did see if they will talk to the police also.

A person with dementia is not capable of making sound rational decisions. You may not be able to do anything about the money. I understand your concern in this area. He could quickly deplete his money and if he would need assistance may not qualify for medicaid with the 5 year look back policy. They would want to know what he did with all his money and may suspect that he gave it to you so he could qualify.
Good luck on this very difficult situation.

Please have the Police contacted. waiting is just more extortion honey.and then also
doctors. 2 ppl asking for money for themselves and then sex is the Bonus..so sometimes at his age if he thinks he's cool and has that then when nonone that young ..plese dont wait. report them.

I say replace the cialis with a similar looking vitamin or something. When I he cant perform any longer, maybe he'll get over it.

2tired, if pammaw10 can get her dad to save his money he will be able to afford a nicer place to live than the VA provides. My mother became a widow with dementia and I moved her to an assisted living facility. I have to help her pay for it or see her deplete what savings she has. I can TOTALLY see why pammaw is concerned. Her dad will be heart broken, wasted a lot of money and when or if he cuts these people off, he could be in physical danger! I would feel that I at least had to try to expose the people and convince dad to do the right thing.

Oh dear God! That is all I can think of to say! My grandfather lived to be almost 100 and 'married' third wife at 89. When she passed away two years later he said he thought 'they would have a long life ahead of them'. (!!!!!). I say 'married' because when he asked her to get married her well off family got together with mine (who are also in financial good shape) and they all concurred that there should be absolutely NO marriage. So they really did trick them by allowing a 'ceremony' that was not really a legal marriage. They seemed to believe they were married, which they went through with because according to my grandpa "tongues were wagging" about how much time they'd spent in each other's rooms at the assisted living place!
He did have what I would certainly call early stages of dementia but by no means was he unable to make his own decisions. You might see if you can have your dad evaluated and you can put your foot down and refuse to have him in your home if he doesn't cut it out (it is selfish to spend crazily and live with you for free). But! Guns? Cars? Cialis? OMG. You are in my prayers!

My grandfather was 90 when my grandmother died and he began traveling, spending his own money, and had a ladyfriend. I see nothing wrong with it. My father in law is as old as your dad and is now living with a girlfriend. She's well off but he is with her for love. Believe it or not, older people might want to have sex, have a lover, spend their money the way they want to, and go where they want to without being like an old dog on a chain.

You could use the excuse that I did for my father, now 90. He had not driven for 5 years due to health reasons, but I explained to him that it really wasn't safe for him to be driving. I explained that "not because he was a bad driver" BUT that there were changes made in town and that due to the way "others" were driving it wasn't safe for him to be on the road. I would rather he stay safe and not drive then to go out and possible have someone else hit him. As for the guns.........wow not sure why a person would need a gun in their car, at least not now-a-days............too much road rage and what happens if he would be in an accident and someone would steal those guns. Wishing you luck.

This sounds more like a case of financial elder abuse. I would take it to social services and have this woman stop seeing him. Also, sell the car.

Well, he is either competent or he is not. If he is, he can give or change POA to girlfriend and you can say good bye to his funds, and it is not even your decision legally about the cars and the guns. If not, and you have POA, they may try to change the POA anyways, and as you can see from another recent thread on here, you will probably need guardianship to safely stay in some control while still allowing him and the girlfirend to enjoy each other. Yes, it is most likely time for someone to step in and take charge as uncomfortable as that role probably feels.

Sorry, but why shouldn't he have Cialis if he wants? If he dies at 88 with a smile on his face, what's wrong with that?

The rest does sound like a problem, and I would be worried too.

Terrim, I'm with you on this one!

There is a story in Tucson today. This site won't let me post a link. A woman accused of stealing $2 to $3 million dollars from an elderly man she met at church has been arrested, police say.

Sorry, terrim, I don't agree. You stated your "father in law is as old as your dad and is now living with a girlfriend. She's well off but he is with her for love." There's the difference. Your FIL's girlfriend is not asking him for money. She's "well off". Pammaw10 has every right to be VERY concerned about the welfare of her father whom she stated is "frail and in the early stages of dementia". Also, the fact that he "drives very slowly and has left the car running and the doors wide open when he comes home" is not safe. The fact that he lives with his daughter but "has no bills but he draws out about $2,200.00 cash each month and it is "disappearing" because he is paying for his girlfriend's bills, buying her groceries etc.", would definitely be cause for alarm! Not to mention the fact that the girlfriend has a 50-year old brother who has been in prison twice for ARMED ROBBERY! Her brother is currently living with her! Which means he has access to Pammaw10's father's car and the guns he keeps in his 1992 Cadillac. Pammaw10 also said the girlfriend's brother borrows money from her. You bet it's a volitile situation!

The first thing I'd do is get the car keys away from him. Sorry. No more driving. Good Lord, he's a danger on the road (drives VERY slowly and leaves the car running and doors wide open) and he's driving around with guns in the car??? Yikes! The girlfriend's brother is a FELON! It sounds to me like the girlfriend's got your father's number (recently widowed, lonely, has money) and is using sex as a way to your father's heart and money. If the girlfriend was on the up and up, she wouldn't be asking for money AT ALL. These people sound really dangerous and like others comments, I'd be calling the police and nipping this "relationship" in the bud. Get the car keys and get rid of the 21-year old car! Terrim, I have no problem with elderly people getting together and enjoying their final years, but this is NOT a "relationship" -- it's extortion.

AS i've said before ..stop posting ..and start doing something. If u are just going to get
attention towards yourself..without contacting the Authorities and helping him. I thot
that is what u needed.....-this is a Crime. one w/temptations of sex&false love to gain money for her&her family. this may not be their first rodeo..but IF u all want help..then contacting the Authorities is the way to do it. not being on the Internet waiting for a message to the 45th Answer to this.

This Happens IF YOU allow it..since he is in no clear idea what he is doing 'cept having Sex.

If he can have sex great and has a girlfriend let him enjoy his life he isn't dead and his money is his money to do with as he pleases, he is not incompetent. Why don't you invite this woman over to meet her in person and see for yourself what is what.

Well, Madeaa, he has moderate dementia and is frail and has started giving over $2000 a month to a woman he just met 90 days ago. That does not sound like good decision making to me. Never mind the driving and guns and "having to do something" about the 50 yo brother. God forbid if the woman was invited into the house and the brother had to drive her over! If you wanted to meet her yourself then I would suggest doing that at the senior center or a very public restaurant. Not invite trouble into your own home. The guns need to be out of the picture completely at a minimum as well as the car.

have u done anything yet?or still reading posts. As if u haven't contacted Authorities of
this Extortion of money for sex etc..and with a Ex-Con receiving probably half of the
proceeds in order for im to do what he wants. Meeting them will not stop this Party.
only enhance it as she knows &the brother knows..2,000 bucks is nice to have without doing anything much for it but laying there or Partying.what a Summer for them!! stop reading Posts and contact the Authorities if you want to stop enabling them.

Well 1tired, her post description says age related decline general, he was frail after the mother died and seems to have gotten a zest for living again. She took him to the retirement center to meet people and that is what he did. If she was a problem person do you think she'd be at the retirement center? I think they know where he lives if this was something they'd be interested in. Because someone is in prison does not mean they are going to rob you today. I am for being careful, she can be careful, she can investigate this woman. If the father is happy then so be it, if he lived on his own he'd do what he wanted to do.

And get the Keys..they will tire of him not having wheels..and then they will have to pick him up &his money wallet with him..as that's the Whole Reason for this Party dear.

He sure isn't frail now..and in the hands of new people taking advantage of his Age&dementia. I would have been all over it by now.

I would rather not keep talking about... guess if u let him do this then fine. at least get his keys and he can buy them a car or take a cab.

They dont need know where he lives as he goes there.

Just to add to my previous post. In the late 50s my future husband owned an old London (UK) taxi which he and fellow medical students used to tour France and had a great time. On his return he parked it in front of his parents nice middle class home. Wouldn't you know it that decrepit vehicle was "stolen" one night and my future FIL just smiled and said the police could not do anything about finding it. Just a suggestion!

If someone wants to prey on the elderly, they can do it anywhere. There are pros and then some who are just tempted by what they can get from a vulnerable old person. My lawyer, who handles these type of cases, said those who take advantage go to churches, elder centers, the grocery store, mall parking lots, work as repair people, work for care agencies, and many more examples. I was stunned. He said it is heartbreaking to tell his clients there is little he can do in some cases to help their elderly parents, many of who are broke, homeless and under the control of the people who took advantage of them. Not only did the oldster get fleeced but their kids did too. Family homesteads, farms, heirlooms and yes money are now in the possession of the person(s) who swooped in, got DPOA, married them or somehow got control.
If daddy wants sex, I say " have at it buddy". But if his girlfriend has ulterior motives, Pammaw has every right to be alarmed especially if she may get stuck supporting her irresponsible father who couldn't keep his wallet closed. It IS his money, but if blowing it means his daughter may eventually have to foot the bill, then Pammaw needs to have a stern talk with daddy to let him know where he is headed. Penniless at 88, even by your own decisions, would be horrible.

A few things, well first a memory joke:

- "They say the mind is the second thing to go..."
- "Really? What's the first?"
- "l can't remember..."

But, actually "SEX" is about the last thing to go. But that aside, using erectile dysfunction drugs can be very hazardous as the reason for needing them in the first place is generally lack of circulatory function, indicating some heart or vascular insufficienc. Using ED drugs puts a strain on the heart. AND, where is dad getting them? His "girlfriend" or the dastardly brother, HIS doctor, some other doctor, the Internet? How is dad accomplishing this on his own? Do you have HPOA? You could start by talking with his doctor. Get some answers, some medical advice. It can't be good for him even if he enjoys the sex because that's not the point.

YOU I have to believe that it's time for you to start taking action. One of the ways I determine how far I needed to go when dealing with a dementia person is what is THEIR own capacity in dealing with something? ARE THE EFFECTUAL OR NOT? If you take the keys away and the car is still sitting there, YOU will have nothing but grief. If the car (and the guns) are just gone - out of sight, out of mind - what would he be able to do? Would hey call the police in demand something to be done. OR what he sit back and rely on you to do it for him because he really isn't able to manage doing those kinds of things anymore? You have to plan your actions based on his ability to be affected in dealing with his life.

If you remove the car, he can't drive to the girlfriend, he can't drive to the bank, you can't drive to the doctor, he can't drive to the pharmacy, etc. I don't know but maybe that would be the beginning of solving your problems.

You already attended doctors appointment with him, don't you? If not, that should start immediately!

And if you don't have a DPOA and HPOA, get them now while you can but only after the car has disappeared and oh my!? If the people breeding your father dry were not crooks, they would not be accepting that kind of money from him. Keep that in mind. If you discover that they know where you live, have documentation prepared already about what has been happening and do not delay in calling the police.

When and if you report him for all of your concerns which are valid. Be prepared for the consequence of his anger. I am experiencing this now.
My situation is different but I had to report unsafe, dangerous, violent, inappropriate behavior to my fathers doctor, police, and a neighbor contacted his employer, yes he is 84 loosing his vision, and drives to work on the swing shift for an armed guard service?

sj - and I assume your father is furious but what else has happened as a result of your reporting? Are YOU ok?

CarolLynn: I am in a waiting to see mode, he is stoic as always, he sits silent before he goes to work at 12:18pm like a robot. I avoid him, like I have always, I did get a door with a lock I have a key to on my bedroom door (Yay!).
I don't know what his employer is doing with him other than they took his service revolver, probably just uses it at work now. He has other guns so this is not that much of a change. Other than he is being forced to face what he does to me, and he does not care one bit. So, I am trying to take care of me now, and I am worried as I am running out of funds and he is the only source I have when that occurs, now I am afraid to ask as I always was.
I am just trying to keep things quiet, and avoid any contact with him on any level. The weekends are hard, he is here all day and sits down stairs with headphones on (Thank Gawd) and watches TV (he blasts the TV 100%) it is unbearable, he did that when I first moved in and I showed him he could go completely incognito with headphones on and he goes for it still.

I know he is going to lash out again. He threatened to throw me out for the neighbors reporting him. He nauseates me, always has, weak, useless old bastard. Cheap, mizer, liar, pervert all of the worst traits.