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My Mother passed away 6 months ago. Mom paid all the bills, cooked, ran the household and drove prior to her death. My 88 year old Father was frail and in the early stages of dementia so asked him if he would come live me and He readily agreed. After a mourning period of about 3 months I started taking Dad to the local Retirement Center to meet some people. Dad met a 71 year old woman and in a short period of time has started a relationship with her. At first I was happy about this but several worrisome issues have cropped up:

He has decided he can drive again and has started driving his old 1992 Cadillac. He drives very slowly and has left the car running and the doors wide open when he comes home. I worry about him hurting himself or others.

He has started spending most of his retirement checks. He has no bills but he draws out about $2,200.00 cash each month and it is disappearing. He told me he was paying for his girlfriends bills, buying her groceries etc. To make matters worse she has a 50 year old brother who has been in Prison twice for armed robbery. Her brother is currently living with her and he uses her car to get around and also borrows money from her. Dad is consumed with anger toward this Brother and tells me that he is going to have to handle the situation somehow. Dad has a permit to carry guns and has two of them in his car. It is a volitile situations.

Another major concern is that Dad seems obsessed with sex. He has started taking Cialis and I am worried about his heart. He also talks about sex in an inappropriate way around me and my husband. Apparently he and his lady friend have been pretty active in this department.

My Dad is former Military and has always been a little rough around the edges, but he was a good Father and Husband to my Mom. I am seeing a totally different side to him and I'm wondering if it could be attributed to his dementia. I'm really worried about him and don't know what to do.

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No offense but...TAKE THAT CAR AWAY FROM HIM!! If he leaves it running and doors open, he surely shouldn't be on the road putting himself and others at risk. I would make an appointment to have his driving evaluated, if nothing else. Knowing that he has dementia and allowing him to carry guns is asking for trouble. Also, the girlfriend is obviously taking advantage of him. This is a bad situation all around. You are going to have to make some tough decisions in Dad's best interest.
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To 2TiredinFlorida, although the initial concern may be about money spending, it also concerns his health. If all his retirement money is spent on a blood-sucking flounderer, how on earth will he be able to take care of his own health needs? My family is in a similar situation where my step-dad met a woman within weeks of the death of his wife. That woman and her children spent every dime of his very sizeable nest egg, forcing him to sell his dream home and succumb to even more depletion of his assets. At 84, he sought employment to further support her spending habits. He only worked 6 months when he suffered a heart attack and was told he could no longer work. NOW who's going to help HIM? Of his 2 blood sons, one is in a nursing home and the other barely survives on minimum wage (and lives with a younger couple). There is a reason we work to save money for our "golden years"....and it ain't to spend on someone else who did not save!
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You MUST do all you can to get the car away from your dad, and worry about him being angry later. If he gets into an accident, you could lose him, whomever he hits, and the family's entire savings. I spent almost 4 years trying to figure out how to get my mother's car away from her without insulting her. I managed to convince her doctor to get in touch with DMV to have her license revoked, but the car situation was terrible. I finally concocted a story about needing it for a week as mine was in need of repair -- and then I didn't return it. My mother occasionally asks about it, but slowly is conceding to it being "gone." Same with firearms. You can't worry about offending your father. With such a volatile situation at his girlfriend's home, you simply can't afford to leave sound judgement up to him. Police stations occasionally have "no questions asked" periods where they will accept weapons....call ahead, make sure they're unloaded, or if they're locked, leave them in your car but definitely let police know the situation. Good luck!
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This is a difficult situation and there are no cut and dried answers.
Getting an elder declared unfit to drive is extremely difficult. The police really have no power until he gets in an accident. DMV don't seem to have any power as long as he passes the vision test at least in our part of NYS. The Drs can . tell their patients they are unsafe to drive but can't enforce it. The only redress is to disable the car so it can't be driven.
It was very nice of you to offer to have your father live with you after your mother's death. perhaps you can have him pay a substantial amount each month for his board and keep and you could set that money aside secretly for his future needs.
As far as the guns are concerned capthardass answered that question in another post on a way to disable them which was not apparent to the owner but I can't remember his advice and don't know if it would work with an old soldier.
And finally you need to contact an elder care lawyer to see what your legal options are.
The girl friend and her brother may be extorting money from your dad but you would have to find evidence that they are doing something illegal.
As far as sex and the cialis are concerned. Only six pills are allowed each month so that may limit his activity in that department. Also consider that he may not have been very active with his wife in the final years of her life and feels the need to "make up for lost time" as far as inappropriate remarks about sex in your home, it is your home and here you and your husband set the rules so simply do not allow it and if he persists simply leave the room. also be aware that he may be contacting sexually transmitted diseases from this woman.
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Since my first post my has really declined. In fact he has an appointment Monday to have Carotid Artery surgery on both arteries as they are 70 and 80 percent blocked. He has started having multiple mini-strokes and the Surgeon said something had to be done or he would have a major stroke. Consequently, he is not driving and probably won't again. His guns are going to mysteriously disappear while he is in the hospital. This may cool my Dad's love life, but I have investigated the lady and she seems ok, but her Brother is a concern.
My Brother has obtained POA and most of Dad's assets are in a Family Trust and not easy to access so I don't worry about the bulk of his estate. I hope and pray my Dad gets better but we will probably be more involved in managing things for him.
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There should be some sort of governmental agency (city, county, etc) on aging in your area. They should be able to provide you with some help asap. I spoke w/ my dad's doctors prior to each appointment (including his eye doctor) about his poor driving, etc. They happily told me dad that he could no longer drive. One dr even took the additional step of telling him she was reporting him to the state that he could no longer drive; but keep his license for id. He wasn't happy about it, but since it came from a dr, he accepted it more readily. As for the other items, go see an eldercare atty asap. They can advise you regarding guardianship, etc. Your dad may not want to sign a DPOA. So the attorney can provide other alternatives. Seeing the attorney was a lifesaver for my family.
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There is a story in Tucson today. This site won't let me post a link. A woman accused of stealing $2 to $3 million dollars from an elderly man she met at church has been arrested, police say.
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You can only do what is allowed by law in the state that you live. My husband's Uncle lived in Colorado and his Uncle lived in Senior housing, a woman in her 40's who was a food server in his dining room started showing him some interest, making little remarks and flirting with him at dinner while she served. Eventually she was invited to his apartment and later given a key. She engaged in open sexuality with him in front of other visitors just to keep his attention on her. She kept all of this from her employer and when they found out, she quit and he supported her by giving her over 3,000 a month, my husband was livid as he of POA. The Uncle was on meds for dementia and was retired from his attorney office but he got his attorney to change his will, revoke the POA, appointed another who let the situation go, he disowned my husband who had cared for him during all those years, left his money to relatives he never saw, the girlfriend who was young enough to be his grand daughter and the POA but most to charity. Nothing could be done because the law did not allow it. So my advice is to go slowly, check out how your Dad is spending his money, talk with Dr. and see what the law is. My husband did these things but nothing worked, the Uncle was so far gone from dementia he told everyone that my husband stole from him, not a small amount but around 500,000, the whole family believed him, he said my husband was destitute,lived off the government and family and friends, they all believed this hogwash. In short, unless everyone is ethical or you are very determined you may not be able to do much.
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Listen to the folks saying to get the car and guns away from him. You're also going to have to get control of his funds, or there will be no funds left to take care of him in his last days. It will get ugly, uglier than you can imagine. Persevere. You don't want to find your dad dead in a ditch, or worse.
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Hi angelwhyspers, early stage dementia doesn't mean he has been declared incapacitated. A doctor has to be willing to sign documentation stating the father is mentally incapacitated by his dementia. Plenty of folks have some dementia but are not incapacitated.
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