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I am so sick and tired of how covid has been used as an 'excuse' not to visit the elderly. My siblings have NO problems going to work - see there is a paycheck involved then. covid is not a good excuse to stay home, but it sure is when it can be used as an excuse not to visit my elderly father in hospital. I feel horrible for Dad who has been in a nursing home and in and out of hospital for almost a year and 2 of his kids cant be bothered to go visit him. Not once. Now I can see why abused kids dont see their elderly parents - kind of karma - but Dad is a good Dad. It breaks my heart when I see the hurt in his eyes as one excuse after anther comes in. I NEED TO learn that us 5 siblings share nothing more than DNA. How can two of them be this different?

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YOU can not change them
You CAN change your reaction to what they are doing/not doing.
If dad asks why they don't visit your reply should be "I have no idea, maybe you should give them a call and ask"
(This is if he can make a call, if he is cognizant to do so)
Don't make excuses for anyone, for their lack of visiting.
Visit as you have.
Enjoy the visits you have and try to make the best of it.
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Ariadnee Jul 2022
Yep.
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Have you said to the two absentees that Dad keeps asking for them, and seems really hurt about just hearing excuses? They should at least be aware that it does matter to him, that he loves them and wants to see them.
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It's my experience that people have no problem coming up with excuses in life, not matter WHAT they are.
You can't change others. I would just try to deflect off of the situation, and enjoy your visits with your Dad. It is only adding to frustration to think about/worry about the actions of others. Hope your Dad is getting better day by day.
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I'm sick and tired of Covid excuse #3,423,301 which is used for EVERYTHING under the sun these days. And I mean EVERYTHING. Including not visiting elders who live in managed care residences. My cousins sure used that excuse as to why they didn't visit my mother in Memory Care, and now that she's died, are wondering why they didn't receive an invite to her funeral service! Good one, huh? Ironically enough, one of these cousins is now saying his wife HAS Covid and can't attend mom's funeral service ANYWAY, in spite of not being invited in the first place. You can't make this sh*t up, can you?
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Gershun wrote the following in another post about siblings, which might help you:

“One other thing changed along the way. I lost all respect for them too. I don't look up to them, don't care what they think of me anymore and that's that. 

Forget about them. Instead be proud of yourself and all you've done.”
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Any excuse will do when you're looking for one!
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Today, SO got dispatched to a unit with a covid positive to change a light bulb. They gave SO an n95 and arranged with the resident to be in a different room wearing a mask. On SOs arrrival, the senior is not wearing a mask and the light bulb is above the residents bed with the resident in it.

So yes we feel like we shouldn’t see our parents until getting a couple negative tests.
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venting Jul 2022
Yes that’s the responsible thing to do, wait/make sure you’re OK before visiting.

Obviously OP isn’t talking about that: otherwise OP would have said, “There are a few occasions where, responsibly and lovingly, in order to avoid infecting Dad, my dearest, sweetest siblings didn’t visit. My siblings are so sweet and so responsible. They’re great and fantastic! And they show their love and concern for Dad in so many other ways. Oh how I adore my sweetest siblings.”
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Since I'll bet no one involved is in the medical field, I'd be the last to question their motives if they're trying not to pass Covid on to Dad.

That said, Facetime is a thing, and you should set it up for Dad and them. Stop with the drama of trying to make others be you, and try for family harmony instead.
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My mom has used Covid as an excuse to not get PT. She's 70 and almost four years removed from cancer treatments. Caregiving has messed up my life and I want my life back, but I'm in a lose-lose situation.

It's either prolong the agony and keep her from getting Covid, as well as continue to wait for Covid to officially become endemic before launching PT. And that wait could last until 2024 according to researchers at Yale. OR go ahead and see if at least in-home PT can be done and roll the dice and hope she doesn't get Covid and die of it.
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Beatty Jul 2022
Are you saying it's a die roll chance to whether a Physiotherapist gives your Mother Covid?

I'd out that probability so low may as well be zero.

Where I live PTs are professionals, wear face masks & do regular RATs. I would not be concerned about PT home visits.

I am more wary going to the supermarket or having coffee with friends.
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The hardest part about visiting someone is trying to make conversation. For some people, visiting someone who is sick is horribly awkward and painful.

I'm one of those people.

You would never know it if you met me at a convention or a Girl Scout cookie booth. You would get a clue if you invited me to dinner amongst people I didn't know, however, you wouldn't know how much effort it took for me to show up.

Some people have managed to make use of the "gift of gab". I wish that gift came with more detailed instructions.

I don't use the COVID excuse. However, when people use the COVID excuse on me, I just look at it as another way of saying "NO". If COVID really was not an excuse, they would propose another date and time or would say a tentative yes when I propose a different date and time.

My sister and brother have the "gift of gab." If I should have to go see someone, they offer to accompany me. It helps a lot because they can start the conversation and then I can start contributing. After that initial break through, I'm usually okay although it can get dicey for me.

If you really want your 2 siblings to visit your Dad, offer to take them and accompany them. Help them with the conversation. If they say no, then respect their wishes and don't expect them to visit. Don't remind your Dad that they don't want to visit. That is just plain mean to your Dad.
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venting Jul 2022
“Don't remind your Dad that they don't want to visit. That is just plain mean to your Dad.”

I’m sure OP is absolutely not a mean person. I bet OP is a very kind, caring, considerate person.

The father doesn’t need to be reminded of anything. It’s incredibly obvious to the father that his 2 children aren’t visiting.

“I'm one of those people.

You would never know it if you met me at a convention or a Girl Scout cookie booth.”

If OP’s siblings have problems seeing someone sick, don’t you think OP would have thought of that? Don’t you think OP would have written something like “I’m not angry with my siblings. They can’t deal with seeing someone sick. I feel no resentment towards my siblings.”

OP is angry.
Don’t you think OP has a good reason to be angry? I think so.

Also - there are a million ways to show you care, when someone is sick. You don’t have to be there face to face. There are so many ways to express love, concern, warmth.

And there are 2 million excuses for doing nothing.
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I think that it doesn’t help to expect ‘a conversation’. My experience is that it’s best to expect to talk, hold hands, show love, without getting much of a reply. Be entertainment for someone who feels like nothing happening for them is worth talking about.
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The tables will turn, OP. One day your siblings will be in a difficult, tough spot, wishing family/friends would visit.

All of us go through difficult moments in life where we need support, whether it's a nice phone call, visit, flowers, cards, whatever. There are a million concrete ways to show one cares.

And there are 2 million excuses.
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Have any of you actually lived and cared for and been responsible for a LO in residential care in a COVID “hotspot” for the last 3 years?
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venting Jul 2022
Yes. I care for a LO in a facility (before pandemic, during pandemic, and now).

As with all things that regards human beings: where there’s a will, there’s a way.

If someone WANTS to solve an important problem, they’ll find a way to solve it.
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Wishing you well!
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Have nothing to add, no advice. Just (((hugs))) & sorry for how it has been/still is - for you & Dad 😥.
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Caringlove,

We do live in the age of technology you know. Your siblings could "visit" with their father via live video chat. All you need for that is a cellphone.
So instead of chastizing or trying to lay a guilt trip for them because they aren't willing to enter a hospital or NH because of Covid, set up "visiting" times where you will be at the hospital or NH with your father and can help him video chat with his other kids and even grandkids.
People still do have to go to work even in Covid times beause yes, there's a paycheck involved. If there isn't a paycheck then a home can't be paid for. If there's no home, then the family is homeless.
Many jobs don't have unlimited sick time that a person can take and Covid can make a person sick for a long time. I was flat on my back sick for almost two months. I'm lucky that I didn't have to pay rent or utilities or groceries.
I will not take an unnecessary risk and visit in a hospital or NH and I'm vaccinated.
Set up video chat visits with your siblings and help your father with it.
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PeggySue2020 Jul 2022
SOs department just had a guy with covid come back. He had been out over three weeks. He finally came back the day SO got dispatched to the covid positive guy who said he’d be masked and in another room, and was neither. SO was not going to be like his colleague if he could help it, and not especially as his work had injected him in the situation!
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I’ve got 2 deadbeat siblings that don’t care to even call mom on her birthday, or send a gift. One sent a text. The other forgot because his insane wife purposely didn’t remind him. I think you’re doing a good job and you will get your reward in this life or the next. Keep staying positive and shut out the negativity.
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bundleofjoy Jul 2022
"I’ve got 2 deadbeat siblings that don’t care to even call mom on her birthday, or send a gift. One sent a text."

exactly. some siblings really do nothing. nothing.

"Keep staying positive and shut out the negativity."

good advice.
and OP, often it helps to hear empathy/compassion from others. nice words from people on the forum can help, too.
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one more comment:
i see venting quoted gershun.

i re-quote it, because i find that paragraph super useful. dear gershun, i've lasered your paragraph into my brain:

“One other thing changed along the way. I lost all respect for them too. I don't look up to them, don't care what they think of me anymore and that's that. 

Forget about them. Instead be proud of yourself and all you've done.”
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I am surprised, from reading responses, how much Covid-19 is still even this much a discussed subject. I think it isn't much in my own city. We all pretty much recognize from radio reports (like daily weather reports) where our city is "at". Up right now from 49 hospitalizations a few months ago to about 1,200. New BA variants in our water, and another on the way from India. New variants infecting us whether we have all the shots of not (but less likely to kill us), and infecting us AGAIN even if we had another variant a month or so ago. That's the news.
Mask up or no (your choice) in public, on transit. And life goes on. So far, this many years in my partner and I have not got it. We are careful but it isn't limiting our lives anymore. I will be off on a month long trip this month by airline, knowing I will likely be sitting next to someone "with it" and in a N95 mask. However, in Michigan a "family reunion" of my daughter's in-laws saw ALL infected save ONE (the one in her 90s who doesn't believe in masks), even the 18 month old baby.
It's just "here" and as they say, will be with us, like the common cold forever in all likelihood, (but more likely to kill us in some circumstances.
I don't see people using it too much as an excuse, because to give up "living" for something that we cannot avoid, doesn't make sense. Everyone knows to mask up or not at their own choice/peril.
I just think when you hear someone make an excuse just recognize it is their polite (or corwardly, dependent on how you look at it) way of saying they would as soon not do something.
If we are not now going to visit because of fear of Covid I would say we might as well recognize we will never again visit. Which of course, for some, is an option.
We are only --what--about three years in on Covid as a disorder-disease. It is new to us. We are used to "cancer" or "copd" or "heart disease" taking some of us out. But not used to this one. Given the political climate it gets "used". We will adapt. Never fear. Just allow everyone to make their own choices, and you make yours.
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venting Jul 2022
I really don’t think OP’s original post/question has much to do with corona.

If OP’s siblings show genuine love, concern, care to Dad in other ways (not visiting, but in other ways), I don’t think OP would be angry. And Dad wouldn’t be hurt.

I think the fact is, OP’s bad siblings basically do nothing. Show no love, care.

My heart goes out to you OP.
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My sister used covid as an "excuse" to not visit my mom, even going so far as to try it when mom was actively dying. When my husband explained that covid really wasn't a concern at that point with mom, because she was already dying from CHF, she tried to blame it on being "too busy" with work.

But my sister has always been like this, long before covid was even a thing, so I had no surprise whatsoever that she used it as a convenient excuse. Deep down, she's nothing but a coward who couldn't face our mother's death. So she left it for as long as she could, knowing mom had me and our other sister. And yeah, like you, I was angry and bitter through the year and a half that mom grew sicker and sicker.

But you know what? I'm free of her now. I don't have to worry about excluding her anymore because my biggest concern - that she would complain to my mom and put her in the middle of warring children, which I so didn't want to do, especially once my mom got so sick - was gone once my mom drew her last breath.

My other sister and I, along with our spouses, are going on a 3 week cruise leaving the end of the month. I don't have to feel bad anymore about not inviting absentee sis, I don't have to worry about her finding out somehow and then bringing it to my mom's door, so to speak... I won't purposely tell her (like, ha ha we're going and you're not) but I don't have to be on eggshells worrying someone will let something "slip" when she's around. My attitude is now one of: you can't be a member of the family during the "fun" times - holidays, vacations, etc. - without pulling your weight during the "dark" times. Frankly, it's freeing.

I'm sorry for the pain that dad - and then you, on witnessing it - are going through. It really is amazing that siblings sharing the same upbringing can be so incredibly different. I hope you and dad can find some peace while dealing with this.
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Yes, if they can go to work, they can visit Dad.

But, COVID is still with us and will be for a long time. I have been COVID free until my vacation. We had to test before our land cruise and then again to get on the ship. We were to mask on ship. With all that precaution 7 out of 14 of our group got the new strain we being 2 of them and we were only together at meals. One family chose to eat alone. You can test negative one day and positive the next. It can take up to 5 days to show symptoms and in that time ur contagious. My daughter was in the car with us not even an hour and she tested positive Friday. She tested negative the day before and had a symptom, sore throat. We tested positive Monday. The newer strains tend to be more contagious.

Your siblings...my Mom was one of the best. Our friends congregated at our house. My 2 brothers did not go out of their way for Mom. It upset my Dad but he never said anything to them. My DH and his brothers called his Mom weekly.

You could call your siblings and tell them Dad very much wants to see them. Then let it go.
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I don’t agree that people with lots of contacts should be visiting any sick or elderly person in this time of Covid. If LOs get sick, they are at greater risk of hospitalization and death. Set up a zoom meeting, a duo meeting or Skype. Exactly what does an in person meeting do that a virtual meeting won’t provide, other than touch that spreads the virus? Why wouldn’t you want to keep LO safe as possible? Hospitalizations are increasing where I live. There’s high transmission in neighboring counties. Stay away from me and my LO. The pandemic is not over and pretending won’t make it go away.
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venting Jul 2022
“Exactly what does an in person meeting do that a virtual meeting won’t provide, other than touch that spreads the virus?”

I think what OP is saying, is that her siblings also don’t do virtual meetings (phone, facetime, etc.).
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Truthfully visiting the elderly is boring depending on their mental state. If they have dementia or alzheimer's it's hard to have normal conversations. And many people avoid what's hard. Especially if their loved one used to be vibrant and full of life. Even more so if they are dying.
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