My husbands cousin is considered as a brother in our culture. He moved in wish us two years ago. He has COPD and his oxygen levels are't good. He is overweight and has poor circulation so has a hard time getting around. He can drive, but has run a few stop signs and so he shouldn't be driving, but cannot walk more than a few feet without sitting down for a minute. I know he doesn't feel well because he will wait for me to come into the family room and then ask for the TV remote or a glass of water. tissues and other trash collect around his sitting area and he doesn't ever clean any of itl I have to do that. He will not let my husband or I share the details of doctors visits so we don't know the extent of his health problems, but I know he has a very hard time breathing. He refused to use supplemental oxygen and he needs it because he is going downhill cognitively. We have to repeat ourselves so often that conversations are frustrating. He constantly interrupts even when we are having conversations with others. He only bathes every 3 or 4 days and doesn't wear deodorant. He also takes over every conversation and goes on and on with the most boring stories. He repeats himself. If I turn the TV to a movie that he doesn't like or hasn't chosen, he will talk through the entire movie. When we have friends over, we have to go to another room if we want to visit because he monopolizes every conversation. He went on a short trip with my husband last week and it was so nice. The family room didn't stink and my children sat and visited and watched movies. We really enjoyed each others company and I realized how much this man has controlled us. I miss spending time with my kids. Cousin is a kind person and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but my kids count too and I miss our family time. Any advice?
As for the cousin being a "brother", brothers share everything that is going on in their lives, and that includes medical issues.
Hygiene is not just for decorative purposes. If he is not brushing his teeth, that can lead to cardiac problems and worse. Bacteria on the body can get into the body and make you sick. If he is not cleaning his body, fungus can start to grow. Since he's already compromised, this can make him sicker faster.
If he's just sitting around, he might have pressure sores, which MUST be kept clean. If he has foot fungus, DO NOT touch his socks or shoes with your bare hands. Foot fungus looks like powdery dead skin on the feet and nails. The nails get really thick, yellow/green, and are very hard to cut.
My mom had this because her blood sugar was uncontrolled and diabetics have a really hard time fighting off fungus because their immune system is already compromised. When her blood sugar got under control and stable, it went almost entirely away. She has bad kidneys & liver too, and can't take the oral meds for fungal infections.
I would have a social worker come in and do an assessment, pronto. He may qualify for services that won't cost you any money. He may qualify for some benefits to offset what does cost money.
Ultimately, you have to decide if you can have a full-time patient in the house because he's going to continue declining and need more & more care.
1. One of you gets durable power of attorney and healthcare proxy. These documents will let the doctor talk to you openly about his conditions and treatment options. You guys can't know what to expect by staying in the dark.
2. A social worker does an assessment on him. This is the door to services & help.
3. Services are brought in to assist him with his ADLs (activities of daily living).
You can't be expected to do these intimate care tasks for him. He will soon need help transferring in & out of bed, chairs, the bath, the toilet.
4. You & your husband agree to the limit of care you are able to provide in your home. Are you prepared to have him die there? Or can you agree that if the social worker recommends this man go into care that you will support it?
Coming to somebody's house (family or not) and just plopping down, becoming a huge burden, and not expecting to protect and contribute to your caregivers is pretty darn presumptuous to me. Taking care of this family member can also include making sure they are living in the right place to be as well as they can be.
If an emergency happens, call 911 and let them handle him. You can refuse to let him return to your home, so the discharge social worker can find him a place to rehab and choices beyond that point.
I think it's fair to say that neither one of you probably expected it to deteriorate into this kind of situation, so it's totally appropriate to reassess and replan.
There is a huge difference between "help out" and "totally manage".
I'd be concerned for your children; it's neither healthy or helpful for them to see someone abusing their mother as the cousin/brother has done. I would hate to think that children would grow up seeing their mother treatedly disrespectfully as well as see that someone doesn't work for a living but can expect his family to support and tolerate him.
What's your husband's position about this situation?
I would read up on veinous problems in lower legs and tell your husband to watch and check for clots and other signs of vascular insufficiency.
This cousin is literally a ticking time bomb of medical conditions that COULD BE CONTROLLED.
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