My boyfriend and I were looking for a house together when his elderly aunt was told she could no longer live alone and begged him to let her live with us. We discussed it and since she is his only living blood relative and I knew and like her, we tossed out our ideas of a dream home and purchased one more suited to her mobility issues. It's a beautiful house and we are happy here. We scrapped vacation plans and adjusted our work schedules to be sure she would not be left alone too much. She is capable of being left for short periods at a time. There are caregivers, nurses and therapists thst come during the week while we work. My own parents have come in on week ends when we have had errands to run that would have us away too long. However, he and I try to get a dare in every couple of weeks. A movie or a late dinner after feeding her or even just a walk. Well, we try to give her notice. "Friday we are taking in a show. We can have someone come in you'd like or set you up with everything you need and we are only a call away. We'll keep the phone on vibrate." I can't tell you how many times we've scrapped plans because she was "not feeling well." If I hear the words, "I'm not long for this world. You have plenty of time for that nonsense" I might scream! We started going out anyway. She pouted and refused to eat dinner! Feels a lot like raising a 3 year old again. This last time, we had a movie planned on a Friday night. She was advised on Wednesday. She suddenly started feeling "funny". On Thursday, we wanted to take her to the doctor. She refused. Friday afternoon, she told her nurse she had shortness vof breath and was promptly was rushed to the ER. After numerous tests, the doctor told her and my BF there was nothing wrong. He brought her home. She was all chipper and happy. No signs of shortness of breath. When he told her we would be taking in a matinee the following day, she became a feeble old woman again. She also said, "Well, I can't go." to which he replied, "My dates don't require a chaperone." She refused to eat nearly all day the following day (She's diabetic!). Before and after our outing! Sunday morning she was starving and not the least bit under the weather. How does one deal with this drastic manipulation? We are with her 98% of our time away from work. He had a talk with her about crying wolf too many times and how catastrophic that could be for her but she became defensive and refused to acknowledge her game playing. We both equally care for her, though I still feel she views me as the outsider. When there are no plans for us to go out - or when we take HER out - we all get along beautifully and there are no issues.
So with your aunt, I'd set up the plans and at the time you'll be leaving, have the caregiver arrive (if you're setting one up), and tell her you're leaving and walk out the door. Leave instructions for the caregiver that she's to call 911 if something happens. Go and enjoy your evening. Turn off your phone. Quit letting her manipulate you into not spending time alone. She's behaving like a child, so treat her like a parent would treat a young child who is having a tantrum. It sounds like you need to set up more date nights so that she knows they're going to happen very regularly (every week) at least and there's no shutting them down with her antics.
Don't give her any notice, like blannie suggested. See if that works. Although I wouldn't be surprised if she gave the caregiver who will be staying with her a hard time or tries to call you over and over with petty complaints while you're out.
You're in a game of wills now and she will win because she has the "sick old lady" card. Shortness of breath? Well, we'd better take her to the ER just in case. Chest pain? Better get it checked out just in case. Dizzy spells? We'd better not leave her alone tonight.
When she starts trying to manipulate tell her that you have to call 911. It's much simpler than going to the ER and the paramedics will let you know what they think. And your aunt can't manipulate paramedics because the paramedics are able to test her oxygen level or see if she's having a heart attack. The aunt can't outsmart the equipment they use.
You continue to have your date nights. Don't give advance notice. If she calls you while you are out, instruct her to call 911 or call 911 yourself. Maybe her symptoms won't seem so drastic to her.
She doesn't eat, to punish you? I understand the diabetic factor, but she'll get through a day. Don't comment on her refusal to eat. Don't remind her of her blood sugar. Ignore that ploy. Keep an eye on her for symptoms of low blood sugar and if you notice some offer her a glass of juice or milk, and say "would you like this for your blood sugar?" without panic. If she is feeling bad she'll drink it.
If her behavior continues in spite of your attempts to not be manipulated, then it is time for a serious heart-to-heart, between Boyfriend and Aunt. "We are very glad to have you here, and we both enjoy your company and our times out together. But our relationship with each other is primary right now. We absolutely must have the freedom to have time alone together. If that can't happen easily and without stress, then we have to have other living arrangements. That would make me sad, but it will be necessary if you living here interferes with my primary relationship."
I wouldn't bring those big guns out without trying less drastic measures first. But Boyfriend has to stand up to Aunt, for the sake of your relationship.
I agree with the others, have a caregiver lined up for date night and don't tell the Aunt you are both going out until after the caregiver shows up. That way the Aunt won't worry herself into a frenzy.
And Yes, I do applaud your kindness and caring hearts, but be wise, and make a well thought out exit plan for Auntie! You both will know when that will be, but do take the excellent advice given you here, and share this thread with your boyfriend, you will do the right thing!
The only other thing I wanted to ask, is if Auntie put any money, towards the purchase of your home, or if she is part owner, in any way, as that could definitely make things more difficult, but not impossible! You can always sell the home, cash her out, and buy another home, there sre always bigger, better, nicer homes out there, nothing is impossible! You'll be alright!
My husband and I are working on an exit plan ourselves, it just takes some of us longer than others! Good luck!
So I would stop telling her about your plans, hire someone to come in and sit with her if necessary and go out and enjoy yourselves. You are doing the two most important things--taking care of yourself (the caregiver) and leaving her in a safe situation.
End of my initial story: she pouted so much and refused to eat one too many times. She stopped doing her physical therapy as well. My BF took her to the doctor. She actually made herself sick. My BF took the dr aside and gave him the scoop. The dr, usually very gentle with her, gave her a scolding. She tried the "They have plenty of time. I won't be here long." The dr laughed at her and told her she could be around another 10 years if she takes care of herself. If she doesn't take care of herself, making it easier for us to take care of her, she could very well end up spending that 10 years in AL because she would force him to have her sent there for her own safety. He told her flat out that WE did her the favor rearranging our lives for her and to stop acting like a child. My BF was shocked, frankly. But we went to lunch the other day - no notice given - and there were no antics.