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It is the last thing I want to accuse someone of, however my friend is sleeping all the time, now. If I give a day's notice to come by or take her out, she is awake, however for all impromptu visits, she is always "napping" during the day. This is a 2-story house where the residents live downstairs, and the family/aids live upstairs. I have rarely found staff downstairs when stopping in for an impromptu visit, and everything is locked up, including one resident room. This place discourages residents from going out of their rooms. They have a community table that's set nicely for dining and a big TV, however they don't allow use of it, and unplugged her personal TV. All meals are served individually. When we have done impromptu visits at mealtime, it is a can of chicken, and instant mashed potatoes. I saw one resident get cereal for dinner. Whenever I am there until dinner time, they tell me I must leave because they will be serving dinner. Yesterday, my friend said please stay because she was afraid of not eating (she has the beginnings of dementia). So I told them she needed extra comfort this day, and I would stay until they served her, and then leave for her to eat. To my surprise, they served the other 3 residents and wouldn't serve her. This is a tiny place, so things were quite apparent. After a good 10 minutes, I told me friend I better leave, so they could feed her, "as they have their routine". As I walked around the corner through the main area, the aids were just sitting there waiting for me. One was texting, and the other with check-out clipboard in hand. Why were they waiting for me to leave? I thought maybe so I don't see what they feed her. Now it occurred to me, are they giving her a sedative at mealtime? She is beginning to get a series of UTIs, which is odd since she is still mobile (no cane or walker needed). All so strange and not sure what I can do until we find her another place.

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Sounds like a prison I hope your friend can find a new place. Once she does and is moved in please report this facility.
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SueGood Apr 2023
Yes, Yes, and Yes!! Thank you
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Their keeping the dining table set but never used so it never gets untidy, and their having a residents' lounge that the residents never set foot in - it's the kind of window-dressing you'd get in a Victorian novel about orphanages. Yeuch.
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Why is this your problem? Do you have her power-of-attorney? Are you her medical POA?
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SueGood Apr 2023
Thank you, I understand your comment. Another friend is the PoA in all ways, and looking to me for support, since I care greatly about our friend. We are the two closest friends. There is one brother, fairly removed, who doesn't get involved.
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This place sounds horrible! But unless you are your friends POA or have guardianship over her, there's really not much you can personally do.
I hope whoever is responsible for her can find a better place to place her in.
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SueGood Apr 2023
Thank you. Another friend is the PoA in all ways, and looking to me for support, since I care greatly about our friend. We are the two closest friends. There is one brother, fairly removed, who doesn't get involved.
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Just a thought as to the sleeping all day when you make surprise visits vs wide awake and ready to go when she knows you are coming scenario. I'm not saying this is what is happening with your friend necessarily. But I will say that with both my FIL (89) and my grandmother (97) they have both been incredibly content to either sleep or sit and do just this side of nothing so much so that it appears they are sleeping for the better part of the day and night for days on end. Including when we would surprise visit. But let us SCHEDULE something with them - or plan an outing...Lord - they would BOTH be up early, dressed, hair done, and ready to go.

There is something exciting to someone who doesn't have much to do with their days normally - that when they KNOW that something is going to happen - it changes things for them. They have something to look forward to and they plan for it and prepare themselves for it. It stimulates their minds and invigorates them.

But otherwise - they often see no need to stray from their normal plan for the day - which for many- especially those in care homes - is to spend it sleeping. I find it is more difficult for seniors who still have very active lives - just like it is for those who are not seniors - to really wrap our heads around. We don't understand why someone would want to sleep all day. But sometimes they just don't want to do anything else - or there isn't anything else to do. Or there could be some level of depression. And you said she has the beginnings of dementia. I'm not saying they aren't giving her something to help her sleep. But what I am saying is that it is not unusual for seniors to begin to spend more time sleeping - especially if they are in a care home, bored, depressed, unstimulated, not sleeping well at night, or a whole host of other reasons.

With regards to the food - I mean it doesn't sound appetizing - especially to people who can get access to home cooked food or any other type of food they want - for certain. And I realize she is in a care HOME and not a facility. But here again - sometimes it is what it is. My FIL has complained loud and long about the food in rehab (and I am 100% sure he will complain even more about the food in the SNF he will be moving to soon) because it is industrial, mass produced cafeteria food - and he is used to home cooked food. What he is getting is never going to measure up to home cooked food. Its like sending a child to school with lunch money - and expecting them to get exactly what you would feed them at home. BUT, it provides full nutritional value and meets requirements.

As others have mentioned - you don't speak of your friend's family. I"m curious where they are in all of this. Did your friend choose this place to live? Did her family? I'm assuming if her family or POA representative chose this place that you have notified them of what you have observed?

You mention that the place discourages the residents from being out of their rooms and that they would not feed her until you left. I'm curious on these fronts as well. Do they have certain visiting hours to ensure that the residents have quiet time? Do they want to ensure that each resident is able to eat their food undistracted? Is it that they discourage the residents from leaving their rooms? Or is it that the residents just don't WANT to leave their rooms? My FIL has complained about being in "these 4 walls for 4 months" since he has been in rehab and that he will be stuck in "those 4 walls" when he goes to the SNF. He has not even ATTEMPTED to leave his room in rehab. He has the option - there are tons of activities. He is encouraged to go. HE chooses not to. And for the last 5 or so years...he has barely left his own room - another 4 walls - at home. But he will literally tell people that WE won't let him leave his room. Are you perhaps getting some misinformation?
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SueGood Apr 2023
You are so right about people getting more energy when they have a visitor. And also that the food is never "like home". Very good points. I am sure there is some of that and also how someone else on here said they may want peace for the residents at mealtime. This all seemed a bit more than that though, so I did voice my concerns to the PoA, and she confirned they had her on Tramidal for her UTI, but the UTI is long gone. I said maybe they are keeping her on it for pain? She said No, Tylenol does the trick. We both agreed it seems weird that they put her on Tram. And it was the AFH resident doctor that did it. The PoA said it's time to call the umbudsman. :)
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Oh heavens, this place sounds - nightmarish.

Argue about the rejected application, like so: demand another, independent assessment of needs. This can be carried out by an occupational therapist, social worker, care co-ordinator or any qualified professional approved by the facility you want the lady to go to. Your friend with POA should contact them, say she wants to challenge the refusal, and ask how she can reapply - if they are any good they should be prepared to advise her.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
I agree. This place doesn’t seem to be very pleasant for the residents or the visitors.

I have never visited a facility where they told me that I had to leave. I feel like the poster, it’s odd.
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I understand your concern about your friend. This place doesn’t sound very appealing.

They aren’t very welcoming of visitors either.

Wishing you and your friend all the best.
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If there is a communal dining table, why aren't they using it?
Why is the lounge locked?
If you were to sit down with your friend and ask her to tell you about her daily routine, what would she say?

The thing is. As a friend, rather than her next of kin or MPOA, you don't have access to quite a lot of confidential information which could include very good reasons for what you've observed - such as her regular prescription, her swallowing risk, any incidents or complaints the facility has had to deal with, matters like those.

For example. Suppose other residents repeatedly asked for her tv to be turned down because she was disturbing them - that would explain its being turned off, although it wouldn't explain why they hadn't attempted to come up with a better solution; and then again it's equally possible that she's lost interest in her usual viewing; and then again it's also possible that the set is turned off at the wall because of fire regulations, only nobody has noticed that she can't reach to turn it on during the day and they aren't doing it for her...

I wouldn't worry at all about the cereal. Chances are that cereal is what that resident will eat and enjoy.

The point is that you can't know; but if you're concerned you have every right to ask questions and follow them up. Is anyone else actually representing your friend, or responsible for her care? How long has your friend been living here?
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SueGood Apr 2023
Hi there,

Yes there is a communal dining room all set up nicely for dining, but in 1.5 years, we saw it used only once for a holiday when they first received residents. And they don't want it used for even games, as they want it to stay set up. We have to use a TV tray.

It's the snacks that are locked. They said because she wants to eat all the time. Well, Yes. She is alone and bored with no TV. She was picking at sores in boredom (sores initially started by bed bugs, niw gone thank God). I think eating is better. ;) No swallowing issues and mobile without aids. I am not the PoA however her and I are both long term friends who have gotten to know each other and are in close contact, supporting each other in this care. She relies on me as I can visit more often than her and we are visiting new places together. We agree on our concerns.

I agree on the cereal. Sometimes you just need to get something in them. You are right about the TV. Our friend says they unplugged it and she says she just sleeps all day. The facility told the PoA that our friend unplugged it. When I inquired saying it was unplugged, the owner said sternly "She doesn't watch it". They are always stern. Everything is an order. I also just found out that on her assessment, they said she has to be fed, and she can't walk without help. Both absolutely untrue. She doesn't even own a cane or walker, she is so mobile. And they give her dinner then they leave and go upstairs while the residents eat in their rooms downstairs. Everything is a facade. I will have to video both actions. I hate to do that, but she was just denied a wonderful place because of the report. :(

Thank you for your help!
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People with dementia do often pick at sores and they tend to sleep more and more. Also what we think of as bored may not be boredom for them. She isn’t ever going to be the same as she was before dementia set in.

She may have more dementia than you think. I admire you for wanting the best for her.
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About the unplugged TV - be aware that people with dementia sometimes can’t figure out how to turn things off and on. They can’t work the remote on the TV or find the switch, so they unplug it at the wall. This happens with lamps. I’ve found my LO sitting in the dark because “the lamp doesn’t work.” That’s because they unplugged it the night before and forgot about it. Electric shaver doesn’t work, either. Growing a beard. It’s because they forgot how to use the shaver. Vacuum doesn’t work? They forgot it has to be plugged in. Washing dishes by hand? No longer recall what the dishwasher is for even though they’ve loaded it every day for years. No one fed them? No one was there? My great grandmother would say that every day though my mother and I were there all day feeding her breakfast, lunch and dinner.
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