How do you cope with caregiver stress?

a very helpful suggestion made to me by a friend was to buy a bag of potatoes, the smaller the better, and each angry or upset thought that comes to mind, pick out a potato, squeeze and throw it as hard as you can at a target, or in the woods nearby, keep on doing that until you feel better, it works for my son and myself because of our stress with my husband at home with alzheimer's, God bless you all who are dealing with insurmountable stress like us

Well, I did not have to throw cold water on him last nite. He got up for a little while because 2 of his neighbor buddies came to visit but he was ready to go back to bed when I was at 10 'clock. He did pretty good last nite. I have a terrible cold and bad cough that is driving me an all around crazy. As if we can get any more crazy. You are right aout some of our so called friends that say thaey want to help. I have called some of them several times to sit with Jim and Oh My Gooness, I'M Sorry, I have to do so and so. When this chapter of my life is over, if I make it, I will truly e the support for a caregiver that is going through what I a goind through now. No Excuses

Its been a while since I checked on this discussion board I started. I am so glad that some of you left comments, and vented or just stated how your day as a caregiver went! Things between me and my mom are not so great right now. I still want to make sure all her needs are met, but I decided that I need more room so considering moving in a couple months, and she isn't happy about that news. I do understand because she does rely on me alot, but since she really tends to her own personal care needs I feel that we could still make things work out even if I move. Its a upsetting ordeal, but sometimes we must do whats best for everyone involved even if they don't see it the same way. I am not going to abandon her. I have taken good care of her for two years. I'd still pledge to drive her to her appts. grocery shop for her, and make sure has her meals each day. Well glad to see comments on here, and people being kind to one another, and receptive of what others also go through.:))

Together is important. People who are not in a care-giving situation do not get it and some just don't want to hear about it. pick your listeners. I was so upset last week when a "friend" who always told me to call anytime, and said she wanted to stay informed about the mutual friend for whom I am the caregiver, has her husband sort of knock the phone off the hook when I called to update her and she freaked out when mu name showed up on the caller ID. She never knew I heard her say "Oh, no--don't answer that!" I felt devastated. Then, I told myself that it just doesn't matter--thin-skinned old coot--she'll never hear from me again and I'll continue to care for her friend and my mom. People like that can just kiss my a$$. Don't let it get to you...karma.

Awe yi yi, how the heck can you handle all that, , you'll be the sick one. I hope you get help from the family or something. You're a special person Grandma!
Luvmom

Lord How Mercy No. but as I pass the room and see him so peacefu I cnat't help how I feel. I can only imagine what my night will be like tonight. I also keep my 3 yr old grandbaby that is 3 and a 2 yr old so I am up at 6:30 cooking breakfast. Now b4 you go off the deep end let me explain. Both sets of parents are in the process of finding other sitters for them but because they are MY babies I refuse to put them somewhere they will not get the same love grandma is giving them. Jim's condition just blossomed into what I am dealing with 2 Tuesdays ago.. I had to put him in the hospital last week so I am in a new ballgame now. Time to call in his family that all cannot even amagine what I deal with on a daily basis.

Omg you dont want to give him a heart attack do you? lol

Thanks, I will give anything a try. I am exaulted. and he is still sleeping like a baby since 9 last nite. I could just go in there and throw cold water on him but I just love him to much for that

I was there with my Mom until the neurologist prescribed dapakote for her. I made her stay away days, or the daycare did, and she fell into a pattern of sleeping again. So sorry, I know how hard it is but keep him awake or hire help to help you keep him awake if you can or you will be up again tonight. Talk loud, put on fast music and do to him what he unknowingly did to you all night. He might get t'eed off, thats ok, well worth it tonight.
Good Luck!

Todayis one of those days I just want a one way ticket to a far away place. My hubby keeps me up all night roaming and then wants to sleep all day. I have no energy to do anything during the day. How do you cope with this issue. He refuses to get up now and I get tired of trying. Just say to hell with it and let him sleep

Kelly, I've found that people in general can be kind and they try to be encouraging, but caregivers truly know and understand the ups and downs of being a caregiver. I've been to a couple of different groups and one class that was hosted by our local Alzheimer's Project. The class was small and the participants were a variety of spousal and parental caregivers. We truly bonded and continue in a bi-weekly support group, and what I've appreciated most is that whether any of us is having a good day or a rough day, the caregivers can share their raw emotions if they feel like it and no one censors them. Everyone just gets it that some days are good, some are great, and some may make the caregiver just want to turn the calendar page to the next day and put the current day behind us. Hope that makes sense. Anyway, I tend not to go into any real depth when non-caregivers ask me how things are going, and that can lead to feeling like few people understand the typical stress and concerns. However, when I hear other cg talk about their day, their situation, their concerns and stressors, I know they understand because they're telling my same story. It truly helps to know we're not alone and that others have the same concerns and feelings we do. I guess it's empathy vs. sympathy. Helps make a tough situation feel more "normal" somehow, plus it's refreshing to hear other caregivers' ideas and suggestions for how to work through specific situations. I leave the meetings and go home feeling understood, refreshed, and armed with new insight and strategies to help with our day-to-day caring needs.

Blessings!
Joan

Thanks for sharing Joan! Just knowing that other people are going thru the same ordeal is helpful. Thats why I thought to start a discussion about how we all can deal with the stress that follows along with caregiving. You have made me consider starting to attend local caregiver support group. I think I'd benefit a great deal from talking to others that are caregivers. Thanks! Please leave more comments so we all can help eachother:))KB

I meant to add that I also attend a local caregiver support group once or twice a month. If I can't go to both meetings that are offered, I try diligently to attend at least one. Connecting with other caregivers has helped me cope with my own emotions, frustrations, and needs, along with getting great ideas for caring for Mama. It also gets me out of the house a couple of times a month, which is a blessing.

I read for a relaxing escape, and my husband and I record and watch television programs together. If we get interrupted, we can pause and come back. Interruptions are pretty regular, so at least we know we can pause and then resume. My husband and I have set aside Saturdays as our "date day" and we leave the house for several hours. We do all kinds of things we enjoy together, like going to movies, to a restaurant, etc. Mainly, we just have time to talk together and be a couple, and have some quiet time. Mama is 86 and has lived with us for five years now. She has mild but progressing dementia. I've noticed lately that more things are slipping away in small bits and pieces, and that she's less and less able to reason or be logical. We're trying to keep her safe and well nourished, but also have boundaries for "all-together times" and just time for my husband and me. We're mid-fifties and early sixties, and have been married 32 years. I work from home and have an office in a separate area across the carport from the house. So I'm close enough for Mama to run over and talk to me or tell me if she needs someting, but being separate helps me get my work done and have some uninterrupted time. Mama's still pretty healthy physically, but there have been more episodes of things being left on the hot stove, the sink running over in the bathroom because she forgets she turned the water on (I found it 20 minutes later), locking the door with the keys on the outside in the lock, etc. I don't feel I can leave her completely on her own, but try to reserve as much time for separate work and activities as possible. We all eat together and visit during mornings and afternoons/evenings. Mama has extensive family in our town and they are all retired, so she gets to go here and there regularly with them. They all love it and she gets great socialization. She seems fairly content. So far it's working, but things can quickly change.

Thank you for this thread. I appreciate being able to read everyone's ideas and suggestions!

Blessings,
Joan

FROM THE COMMENTS SO FAR, I SEE ALOT OF YOU HAVE HOBBYS & INTERESTS OUTSIDE OF CAREGIVING. THAT IS REALLY HELPFUL TO ADVOID CAREGIVER BURN OUT. YOU HAVE TO MAKE TIME FOR YOUR SELF & STILL DO THINGS THAT YOU WOULD DO OTHERWISE IF YOU WERN'T A CAREGIVER. ANY THING THAT HELPS KEEP DEPRESSION AWAY & LIVING HEALTHY BY HAVING A DAILY NUTRIOUS DIET IS ONLY GOING TO HELP US IN THE LONG RUN. EXERCISE IF YOU ARE ABLE IS A GREAT WAY TO GET YOUR BLOOD PUMPING. EVEN IF IT'S JUST A SIMPLE WALK AFTER DINNER. IF YOUR NOT ABLE TO DO THAT THEIR ARE JUST SO MANY OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO. LIKE KEEP A DAILY JOURNAL OF HOW YOUR DAY IS GOING AND THE CURRENT EMOTIONS YOUR EXPERIENCING. YOU MAY ALSO NEED TO VENT (WE ALL KNOW HOW STRESSFUL CAREGIVING CAN BE AT TIMES) SO GETTING YOUR FEELINGS OUT ON PAPER IS A GOOD WAY TO KEEP CHECK OF HOW "YOU" ARE DOING. I AM CURRENTLY WORKING ON A COOKBOOK & SO IN SPARE TIME I TRY TO WORK ON THAT & GO THRU RECIPES. THIS WEBSITE IS ALSO A GOOD PLACE TO EXPLORE & ASK ADVICE OR JUST HAVE SOMEONE LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR GOING THRU & KNOW THEY CAN RELATE. ANY MORE IDEAS ON HOW WE CAN TAKE CARE OF OUR SELFS ALSO? WAYS TO COPE WITH STRESS? OR EVEN QUESTIONS IF YOU ARE WONDERING ABOUT SOMETHING IN PATICULAR. WE ARE HERE TO HELP EACHOTHER, AND ADVISE ONE ANOTHER & IT TRULY DOES HELP ALOT. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU ALL!! LETS KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING!!!:)KELLYB:)

Since I now live at my Mom's and she has a big yard I find doing yard work is not only good excerise but helps my whole attidude. Here in Tucson,AZ I don't do much in summer but it is great now. I also download hidden object games onto my computer and my Doc said that was a good release plus reading and doing counted cross stitch as I sit with her while watching tv. Since I am living in house I grew up in I also do a lot of handyman work (which I love) and I always end up feeling I have accomplished something. She does not like me to hover over her as she is used to being on her own and very independent. I have arthritis in my back so just hope I can continue to keep her at home, I know that there are a lot of elders who have NO one to take care of them. So I will not let her down and just keep smiling (and taking pain pills :). I think we all deserve a hug and I am sending a hug to everyone. :)

I try to go out with one of my daugthers we may go shopping which is real relaxing for me because I really forget about whats going on at home and we may do lunch or breakfast depending on the time of day. it helps to have time with family outside of the house where my Mom is.

Sometimes I find it extremely difficult to get out of bed in the morning because of chronic arthritis pain. I care for my elderly mother who can not wait on herself anymore and I also care for my son's infant child. I am so exhausted at day's end that I go to my room and crash as soon as I have finished preparing dinner and cleaning the kitchen. I have recently been falling into bed as early as 7:30pm just to have some sane time and watch a mindless television show. I am not able to fall asleep right away but I do wonder what I will do to regain energy for the next day.. I am happy to be able to stay home and do this as my mother sacrificed many years for me but she can't understand how tired I am all day. I am going to force myself to walk and stay away from after midnight eating binges. Thank you for the many inspirational tips here on this discussion board.

Stress related abdominal issues kept me in bed as well...so I have changed my diet: cut out: sugar, soda, alcohol, gluten, major dairy. Taking supplements. Eating healthy. This was hard for a sweet tooth diet 7-up addict. But, I feel so much better. Eating healthy and trying to take care of myself.
I also have a friend that does Reiki - a japanese healing. It worked wonders! Going to try Vini yoga which is suppose to be healing for older people and their joints. As I feel better, I can cope better.

I love mysteries and hunt for unique ones through the internet and then find them at the library or ebay. Also, I have tried to become a much better knitter. I used to be able to knit simple things, so I could listen to my mother and knit ,but I have now started some more complicated things. One of the biggest things I do for myself is to container garden so I can even go inside to garden I have to. I need the outdoors to remind myself the world is still out there. Best wishes to everyone.

Hi everyone, I had to make huge changes as something just had to give. Working fulltime at work, then at home being a fulltime caregiver for Mom with late stage alzhimers was horrific. Moms lived with us over 3 years and been incontinent for over 2 1/2 years, its a killer running to and from the bathroom, bathing, etc. I hated the ratrace, race to work when my caretaker showed up, race home, etc. I finally left my job, retired early, in August. The best part is this... I kept my fulltime helper but reduced her hours to just 3, on 3 mornings, to come in and get Mom up and bathe and dress her. As of today, I hired a weekend caretaker so I can have a life again with my husband and family, without the continuous being there by Mom side for her every need. I am so excited to be on the "other side" and when Mom has to eat, get bathed, or make a bathroom trip, I can enjoy my family and grandchildren finally, knowing Moms in good hands with me there. I still have the bulk of the daily and nightly care but that morning time to me is the absolute toughest. I feel a huge relief inside. I read about caretakers stress causing the caretaker to die first sometimes, I decided its time for a big change. I have never felt better. I do however see my Moms walking diminish, even with my helping her with two hands, and I fear a hoya lift is in the near future. So, I say hire someone , get up and have a coffee alone, and then enjoy your parent in a better frame of mind. Cheers to you all.

I think what your doing right now is great. Communicating with other who you know are going through many of the same things you are going through helps. This is really a nice form of support group.

Julia1930....wow that is amazing! You are an Angel! I thought I had it hard with my mom-in-law. 3 family members? Sometimes I just feel like giving up...it can be so hard & emotionally draining. To hear others have gone through or are going through the same thing makes it a little easier. Time4me....good for you. Your idea of the note is fabulous (will try). We are also seeking a caregiver for help. Recently interviewed a gal & she seems like the perfect fit. By the end of our "dinner date" she was holding my mil's hand & laughing with her. I appreciate any and all prayers possible for this. My husband & I need help. We have been her full-time caregiver for 2 years now. She can be extremely moody & more harsh with me. She is extremely close with her son & at times jealous of me & our relationship. We are starting to build more boundries. I am 35 and want to start a family but right now I have a 77 year child. I love her with all my heart & it breaks me to see her like this. I just want her to be happy. I always felt I was patient & easy going and now I think God is testing me...lol Again, thanks for all the support. Together we will get through this! God Bless!

there are some great comments here -- i had to go on anti-anxiety meds, file bankruptcy, get a divorce, and loose my house. Now i have much less stress! I can laugh a lot... even while writing this. Just funny sometimes how life flows.... exercise was my best option when I first started -- it started with hard sweat then I found out the exhaustion afterwards was because my thyroid was not functioning due to the stress so I went to Yoga -- NO SWEAT, but it sure helps to stretch those muscles and calm the mind & soul. I love walks in nature and they always help to bring me back to center. Venting with friends always helps as long as they can help bring you around to the positive by the time you are done venting.

just another 2 cents.... pretty soon we will all be rich! :-)

After almost 10 months of caring for my mother I am finally getting help. I am hiring a woman to take my mom to the local Senior Center 2 or 3 days a week for bingo and/or bridge. This way she will get much needed socialization and I will get a much needed break from her constant repetative questions. Hopefully this will work. I'll keep you all upadated! Another thing I've learned is to write her a note each day. Usually it says what day it is and the date, where everyone in the family is, etc.. That way when she starts obsessing about things, I just tell her to look at her note.

This was really not a respite for myself as a caregiver but I read stories to my father, mother-in-law and stepfather (all had alzheimers in the span of 5 years together). I was the primary caregiver for 2 of them and frequent visitor to the nursing home for 1 of them. I found that reading and interpreting the stories not only calmed them but calmed me down as well because I had to focus on summarizing the stories. They enjoyed the stories immensely especially stories on Greek mythology and bible stories. I also was a licensed massage therapist and gave them back rubs and rubbed their arms and legs very gently. That made them feel better and made me feel better that I could help them. Seniors need a sense of touch, not all of them by means but if you are close to them and they like having you hold their hand, it might be something they like. Sometimes just holding their hand can work too and sitting quietly. For myself, I would take walks, play with my animals, ride my bike etc. to relieve stress.

Sleep, going for a walk, reading, buying a lottery ticket, baking, just looking at the stars.....

timmyk48, I think that you are on to something. The dementia issue is just personally devastating and you can NEVER do it all and get it right. Others I know have done what you did and got back their lives and knew their LOs were better off with professionals who care. I wish I could do this but I do not have the funds personally nor does my mom. I am probably in this till one of us dies.

I went through care giving stress and survived! For nine years I cared for my mother after my father died. I found gardening gave me a creative outlet and was physically challenging most of the time. That is something that can be done for a few minutes or an hour or more if the loved one sleeps a lot. My mother enjoyed being wheeled out to the garden so it was pleasure for both. Find something that you enjoy doing while care taking. You have to take care of yourself so that you don't become overwhelmed and depressed. You are limited only by your own creative ideas. I carried a listen device so that I was tuned into my mother at all times. That is a freedom from being in the room and a chance to step outdoors for a few minutes during the day.

astoria22...Your feelings of backing out are normal. At first it was heartbreaking for me too, but now, 4 months later, I am so glad we took that step. Dementia only gets worse and his has declined very much in these past 4 months. He is being cared for by skilled, trained people and is getting 24 hr better care than I could do. He refers to it as "home" now. Instead of me running myself crazy 24/7, I visit very often, every other day or daily, and take him out for rides, snacks, etc. and our time together is special time. When he "acts up" I take him back "home" where there is immediate help waiting. It is such a relief to have that safety net available. Yes I miss him very much...I miss the way we used to be....but those days are gone and I have made a wise decision which is keeping him safe and cared for. He can't think rationally now, you have to be the strong one for both you. I was in it so deep that I was letting the crazy thinking of his be our reality....then I realized that and made the move. I know it
is one of the hardest things to do and know what you are going through. Some things are just hard and there's no easy out. Love to you and yours and may God comfort you.