How to cope with hurtful accusations from Mother with dementia?

Nikki, I feel like I'm with a whole different person too. Mom was hateful, domineering and it was all about her. She still was loving, kind and giving. SHE is not like that anymore. Well, not to me. Everyone, that will listen, she will put me down, says I say things, that I have never said, says I am hateful. She can fool a lot of people, who still think she is the kind, sweet person she always was. She would make a great actress. If I say anything to the contrary, then it just makes it worse. My brother's family and I are not even on speaking terms, due to he believes everything she says, and thinks I am trying to take everything she owns, such as, money, property, guns etc.... I have lived here and have even quit my job to take care of my parents. My dad recently passed. He would tell me to just try to be more patient. He used to be the whipping boy while he was alive. She always talked about me badly, told everyone everything I've done, so now I'm taking dad's place in the mental abuse, hateful, stealing comments. I try to be patient, but, I'm getting to the point where I can't stand to be around her more than 20 minutes. Everyone thinks I should move in with her, but they don't know the whole story... I live next door. I don't know what to do, except take care of the things that she has forgotten how to... She also has a key to my house and goes through my things while I am gone. How to cope......any suggestions? also, no family help either... they come down to visit, play, drink, make merry and think mom is perfectly fine. She can play the role for about 4 days....then it's back to hateful, snide put downs.....sorry, the post is so long

Sophe509 I am guessing your mom is angry and frightened about going into Hospice. On top of that, with dementia she may not remember HOW she got the bruises, and think someone must have hit her, and with you around, it must have been you. When we already have baggage with parents, it's even harder to distance ourselves from dementia related behaviors. How many times have I heard "she's doing this to me on purpose!" Well, mostly no. It's the disease. An experienced hospice nurse will doubt her accusations but may report them as a precaution.

Since she is on hospice, she will die soon. You are going to have to find some way to forgive her and tell yourself she doesn't know what she is saying. If she is taking any med for pain, these will be causing the hallucinations.

we all make some kind of sacrifice in caring for our parents with this horrible disease. However, when a person is being physically/mentally attacked all the time, we have to ask ourselves how much are we willing to put up with? how much of your own personal and OWN personal family life are you willing to give up and possibly lose? We all want to do whats best to help our parents or whomever it is that requires the help (with dementia related diseases here), but when you put your own health at risk, life at risk, when the parent is fighting you to not take their meds or to accuse of physical harm, then you need to make arrangement to have them evaluated and to stress that no one is available to care for them. If they have to go into a nursing home or assisted living, set it up and then visit when you can. you can always leave when they start attacking again. I wish you luck and please don't feel like you have failed if you can no longer handle their abuse to you, even if it is at the mind disease.

Mom has Alzheimers and other medical conditions; Dad has serious medical conditions plus he has been showing signs of increasing dementia of some kind. Dad has high anxiety and panic disorder and fears practically everything; very phobic.He's scared to death of 'getting' Alzheimers like Mom and is VERY resistant to aging, and even being around her because of it. I'm by them alot @5 days/wk and Dad does this to me, I think, because he is scared of the unknown coming for him and Mom...He says alot of hurtful comments , accusations that aren't true, and even says some of these in front of other people who have no idea of the whole picture...Dad is a cover-up artist with other people but his doctors are seeing what happening with him, even tho he thinks he has them fooled. However, it still hurts. I am his only daughter who cares for both D ad and Mom, I spend alot of time and energy into their daily care and needs, even taking time away from my own family and our needs. I quit my job to take care of them , without pay because I don't believe in being paid to take care of one's own parents at this time of their lives. I drive them to all their dr appts (total of 17), make all the arrangements, etc and Dad still does this. I try to put it all into perspective and it helps, but at times it still really hurts. Dad has always put himself and his own needs first, even puts Mom second, he is very selfish and doesn't care what it does to anyone else. The drs are working with me because they see what is going on so that also helps. All I want is to do everything in their best interests but when Dad says hurtful things and/or accuses me of whatever is in his mind at the time, I'd have to be a concrete wall to have no hurt from it. Perspective is the best remedy I have for this. Take a day or two away from them, but have someone else as your back-up . Keep their dignity and independence as much as possible, but watch from a distance without their knowing. Vent it out to someone else, then stop talking about it/thinking about it as it will ruin any time you have with your own family and friends. Do something that relaxes you to lower your stress level. You HAVE to do this or it will eat you up the more you go over it....It works, it really does....you cannot let it consume you as it almost did me til I realized what was happening...perspective is the key.

Such good sound advice... i never thought of some of the actions as deep seeded guilt. My mother has recently been leaving notes "do not trust nikki 1234,and she is a bitch, she cannot be trusted." She never did like the idea of me having a relationship with my dad after they divorced. Funny thing is , i would stand by her in a heartbeat. Sure it hurts. My experience is that it is the dimentia coming out but its like her "double standard two faced filter" has come off as she has always been a little like this, just now, with alz its all coming out because shes confused. Life is quite a mixed bag at times.

We kept a hand written caregiver log for my mother with a brief summary of her day, activities, food intake and mood(s). If something happened (such as a fall), more details were noted in the log. It was a valuable tool for the whole family and her medical providers.

I can certainly see that guilt from past actions comes back to haunt our parents: I see it in my parents lately as they are in their 90s. So far it comes out in different ways. They don't have dementia as bad as yours do. The abuse accusation certainly comes from deep guilt . I sympathize with Sophe! And like you, I never fought back when my mom was beating me up. A few years ago when she didn't get her way she yelled at a crowd, "my daughter's a bitch!" I was hurt and horrified! Now I can laugh at it. But it ain't no fun. Thank God she doesn't live with me. I allow her to choose her own destiny and help only when asked. I can't stand her company anymore.

Sophe509 you've received some sound advice from caring and informed community members. I have to say that I hadn't thought of Pamstegma's advice but she's right. There is a legal risk. Even though this is the disease talking - and that is what you have to continually tell yourself - for your own protection you should follow Pam's advice. You don't want to be left with a legal issue after all you've been through.

I went through the "she's taking my things" routine that many of us do, simply because my mother couldn't remember where she put things or what she wanted the day before. That hurt horribly, so I do understand how painful these accusations can be. But when the accusations are about physical abuse and you can't prove otherwise, you could be on dangerous ground.

Please keep us updated when you can. We want to know that you are all right.
Carol

Sounds like there is a bit of underlying anger here from you…which is okay and understandable. So you probably should evaluate what is most important….and if you can move Mom then do so. You may find that your resentment towards her will grow and your patience towards her will shrink. I believe the answer "the disease" is very accurate. What might be interesting is how you would have described her before the disease. Was she sweet and kind and caring? I ask this because I know there are may defenses that the core personality is no longer there and that the disease is to blame. The loved one becomes a total stranger. And then, they could still be the same person. My story: My husbands mom lived with us and was never considered very popular with her family. She had been alienated by members of her family for some very understandable reasons. When living with us we had daily encounters that were a bit unpleasant. When she angrily wandered from home for the third time she was picked up by a local couple. While they waited for the police to retrieve her she told the story that her son was home drinking and threatening to kill her. When the police brought her back they interviewed my husband and discussed her" tale". And of course my husband recognized this as part of who is mother really was…and not only part of the disease.Does that make sense? The decision was made and was easy….she was moved into a senior home in 5 days. Wow was it an ugly and spiteful move. The words and statements that spewed from her left additional permanent wounds on my husband. Unfortunately the move also began one more long painful guilt trip for my husband. Eight months later he suffered a mild stoke as he consumed if he had done the right thing.Of course we did! Such tangled webs we weave which consume us! My own father who is 91 has Alz. and , not to be biased, has stayed sweet and kind. He has caregivers who report when he has days when he has the disease agitation/ugly personality moments. They recognize that these moments are part of the disease and not his core personality. He is always able to revert back to his "regular" self…..I guess he is fortunate and blessed. The disease is such a puzzle. Long story I guess…but none of us are alone!

My mum says me and me dad are poisoning her. She eats very little and will not take her tablets, because they have been 'tampered' with! What can we do?

Whew Pamstegma, I had *not* thought about that. Excellent point. I will follow through on that instantly. Thanks.

Get her out of your house right now. The problem is that if she says you hit her, APS will get involved. NEVER visit her without a witness present. Insist on supervised visitation for your own protection.

What do you say to yourself? "It's the disease talking, it's the disease talking, it's the disease talking...."

It still hurts though.