How to cope with hurtful accusations from Mother with dementia?

What do you say to yourself? "It's the disease talking, it's the disease talking, it's the disease talking...."

It still hurts though.

Get her out of your house right now. The problem is that if she says you hit her, APS will get involved. NEVER visit her without a witness present. Insist on supervised visitation for your own protection.

Whew Pamstegma, I had *not* thought about that. Excellent point. I will follow through on that instantly. Thanks.

My mum says me and me dad are poisoning her. She eats very little and will not take her tablets, because they have been 'tampered' with! What can we do?

Sounds like there is a bit of underlying anger here from you…which is okay and understandable. So you probably should evaluate what is most important….and if you can move Mom then do so. You may find that your resentment towards her will grow and your patience towards her will shrink. I believe the answer "the disease" is very accurate. What might be interesting is how you would have described her before the disease. Was she sweet and kind and caring? I ask this because I know there are may defenses that the core personality is no longer there and that the disease is to blame. The loved one becomes a total stranger. And then, they could still be the same person. My story: My husbands mom lived with us and was never considered very popular with her family. She had been alienated by members of her family for some very understandable reasons. When living with us we had daily encounters that were a bit unpleasant. When she angrily wandered from home for the third time she was picked up by a local couple. While they waited for the police to retrieve her she told the story that her son was home drinking and threatening to kill her. When the police brought her back they interviewed my husband and discussed her" tale". And of course my husband recognized this as part of who is mother really was…and not only part of the disease.Does that make sense? The decision was made and was easy….she was moved into a senior home in 5 days. Wow was it an ugly and spiteful move. The words and statements that spewed from her left additional permanent wounds on my husband. Unfortunately the move also began one more long painful guilt trip for my husband. Eight months later he suffered a mild stoke as he consumed if he had done the right thing.Of course we did! Such tangled webs we weave which consume us! My own father who is 91 has Alz. and , not to be biased, has stayed sweet and kind. He has caregivers who report when he has days when he has the disease agitation/ugly personality moments. They recognize that these moments are part of the disease and not his core personality. He is always able to revert back to his "regular" self…..I guess he is fortunate and blessed. The disease is such a puzzle. Long story I guess…but none of us are alone!

Sophe509 you've received some sound advice from caring and informed community members. I have to say that I hadn't thought of Pamstegma's advice but she's right. There is a legal risk. Even though this is the disease talking - and that is what you have to continually tell yourself - for your own protection you should follow Pam's advice. You don't want to be left with a legal issue after all you've been through.

I went through the "she's taking my things" routine that many of us do, simply because my mother couldn't remember where she put things or what she wanted the day before. That hurt horribly, so I do understand how painful these accusations can be. But when the accusations are about physical abuse and you can't prove otherwise, you could be on dangerous ground.

Please keep us updated when you can. We want to know that you are all right.
Carol

I can certainly see that guilt from past actions comes back to haunt our parents: I see it in my parents lately as they are in their 90s. So far it comes out in different ways. They don't have dementia as bad as yours do. The abuse accusation certainly comes from deep guilt . I sympathize with Sophe! And like you, I never fought back when my mom was beating me up. A few years ago when she didn't get her way she yelled at a crowd, "my daughter's a bitch!" I was hurt and horrified! Now I can laugh at it. But it ain't no fun. Thank God she doesn't live with me. I allow her to choose her own destiny and help only when asked. I can't stand her company anymore.

We kept a hand written caregiver log for my mother with a brief summary of her day, activities, food intake and mood(s). If something happened (such as a fall), more details were noted in the log. It was a valuable tool for the whole family and her medical providers.

Such good sound advice... i never thought of some of the actions as deep seeded guilt. My mother has recently been leaving notes "do not trust nikki 1234,and she is a bitch, she cannot be trusted." She never did like the idea of me having a relationship with my dad after they divorced. Funny thing is , i would stand by her in a heartbeat. Sure it hurts. My experience is that it is the dimentia coming out but its like her "double standard two faced filter" has come off as she has always been a little like this, just now, with alz its all coming out because shes confused. Life is quite a mixed bag at times.

Mom has Alzheimers and other medical conditions; Dad has serious medical conditions plus he has been showing signs of increasing dementia of some kind. Dad has high anxiety and panic disorder and fears practically everything; very phobic.He's scared to death of 'getting' Alzheimers like Mom and is VERY resistant to aging, and even being around her because of it. I'm by them alot @5 days/wk and Dad does this to me, I think, because he is scared of the unknown coming for him and Mom...He says alot of hurtful comments , accusations that aren't true, and even says some of these in front of other people who have no idea of the whole picture...Dad is a cover-up artist with other people but his doctors are seeing what happening with him, even tho he thinks he has them fooled. However, it still hurts. I am his only daughter who cares for both D ad and Mom, I spend alot of time and energy into their daily care and needs, even taking time away from my own family and our needs. I quit my job to take care of them , without pay because I don't believe in being paid to take care of one's own parents at this time of their lives. I drive them to all their dr appts (total of 17), make all the arrangements, etc and Dad still does this. I try to put it all into perspective and it helps, but at times it still really hurts. Dad has always put himself and his own needs first, even puts Mom second, he is very selfish and doesn't care what it does to anyone else. The drs are working with me because they see what is going on so that also helps. All I want is to do everything in their best interests but when Dad says hurtful things and/or accuses me of whatever is in his mind at the time, I'd have to be a concrete wall to have no hurt from it. Perspective is the best remedy I have for this. Take a day or two away from them, but have someone else as your back-up . Keep their dignity and independence as much as possible, but watch from a distance without their knowing. Vent it out to someone else, then stop talking about it/thinking about it as it will ruin any time you have with your own family and friends. Do something that relaxes you to lower your stress level. You HAVE to do this or it will eat you up the more you go over it....It works, it really does....you cannot let it consume you as it almost did me til I realized what was happening...perspective is the key.

we all make some kind of sacrifice in caring for our parents with this horrible disease. However, when a person is being physically/mentally attacked all the time, we have to ask ourselves how much are we willing to put up with? how much of your own personal and OWN personal family life are you willing to give up and possibly lose? We all want to do whats best to help our parents or whomever it is that requires the help (with dementia related diseases here), but when you put your own health at risk, life at risk, when the parent is fighting you to not take their meds or to accuse of physical harm, then you need to make arrangement to have them evaluated and to stress that no one is available to care for them. If they have to go into a nursing home or assisted living, set it up and then visit when you can. you can always leave when they start attacking again. I wish you luck and please don't feel like you have failed if you can no longer handle their abuse to you, even if it is at the mind disease.

Since she is on hospice, she will die soon. You are going to have to find some way to forgive her and tell yourself she doesn't know what she is saying. If she is taking any med for pain, these will be causing the hallucinations.

Sophe509 I am guessing your mom is angry and frightened about going into Hospice. On top of that, with dementia she may not remember HOW she got the bruises, and think someone must have hit her, and with you around, it must have been you. When we already have baggage with parents, it's even harder to distance ourselves from dementia related behaviors. How many times have I heard "she's doing this to me on purpose!" Well, mostly no. It's the disease. An experienced hospice nurse will doubt her accusations but may report them as a precaution.

Nikki, I feel like I'm with a whole different person too. Mom was hateful, domineering and it was all about her. She still was loving, kind and giving. SHE is not like that anymore. Well, not to me. Everyone, that will listen, she will put me down, says I say things, that I have never said, says I am hateful. She can fool a lot of people, who still think she is the kind, sweet person she always was. She would make a great actress. If I say anything to the contrary, then it just makes it worse. My brother's family and I are not even on speaking terms, due to he believes everything she says, and thinks I am trying to take everything she owns, such as, money, property, guns etc.... I have lived here and have even quit my job to take care of my parents. My dad recently passed. He would tell me to just try to be more patient. He used to be the whipping boy while he was alive. She always talked about me badly, told everyone everything I've done, so now I'm taking dad's place in the mental abuse, hateful, stealing comments. I try to be patient, but, I'm getting to the point where I can't stand to be around her more than 20 minutes. Everyone thinks I should move in with her, but they don't know the whole story... I live next door. I don't know what to do, except take care of the things that she has forgotten how to... She also has a key to my house and goes through my things while I am gone. How to cope......any suggestions? also, no family help either... they come down to visit, play, drink, make merry and think mom is perfectly fine. She can play the role for about 4 days....then it's back to hateful, snide put downs.....sorry, the post is so long

Worrying about CPS is a real concern particularly if you have family or friends who don't accept the diagnosis. If you can afford it, get cameras installed do that, if not, keep everything open and welcome everyone into and around you and her at all times. Do nothing to cover up for her and/or her condition, you are not doing her any favors andcouldbe setting yourself up for charges.
Frequently people who have been violent to others ASSume others do or did the same to them. Remember they have no memory of what happened and/or happens so the claim is outragious on just the surface.
My mother had so abused herself that by the time I was taking care for her her skin would tear if just pressed too hard and she broke bones if she fell and/or bang anything very hard. She peeled all the skin off her arm brushing past a counter in her electric chair and then later tried to blame me. Fortunatly someone else was there.
While people who were involved understood all this, one of my children who never came to see her "Granny' would call CPS off and on, sure that I must be abusing this woman since she abused me as a child. While that is one way for a Stuipd person to respond to abuse, the vast majority of us never would consider such a thing.

The truth is that I never had any urge to hurt or harm this demented being because I inderstood, even as a child, that she wasn't normal. I never intended to br anything like her and never have, so I fully understand your position.
Even with all the horriable things she said and did ehen I was young, it was still hard to hear all the awful the things she claimed, that never happened, including the claim I wads throwing her around with her hair.
Of course that was impossible, however the number of so called 'professionals' who would at frist believe her stunned me! These people should have known better but demented people do sound soncere because do sound andlook since because they are. They truly believe the things they say because they believe thst is what they would do and/or it gets them attention.
I believe there are people in jail that have been wrongly convicted, so do not take this lightly. Keep a copy of doctors records with you always, and calmly and carefully explain anything to everyone.
You are helping everyone by doing this, not just protecting yourself.
The demented have no memory of what happens to them since the disease eats away the brain. Instead of saying they don't know (they can forget they can saythey don't know) so they make up something. If you are there, you become the target. Sometimes other people ask if you did something and the demented person wil just say yes or claim you never feed her.
It often is like talking to a four year old who knows nothing about consequences, so they just make up things.

Ladies, I feel so much better after reading about your experiences. A year and a half ago I quit my job, rehome do my pets and moved back to my home town to be of assistance to my parents. The family expected my mother to pass due to her health conditions but unfortunately it was my dad who went. I had just moved into my own apartment but mom's needs were such that I have to stay with her and take care of her. A year later I still have not unpacked my place. I have tried to be a good daughter but it's been difficult with my overbearing, controlling verbally abusive mom. She has not been diagnosed with dementia although I do see symptoms occasionally and report them to the nurse. She recently got it into her head that I'm stealing her money and has verbally attacked me viciously about it. The day before yesterday she asked me to sit on the couch, rolled her electric wheelchair near me and started screaming in my face. I decided I couldn't take it anymore and the next morning I showed her on paper an accounting of all her money and told her I was giving her 30 days to make other arrangements for her care. I have physical health problems as well and this has all just become too much for me. I know this doesn't specifically answer the original questions but I just had to get all this off my chest. The suggestions of a log and visiting with a witness are good ideas. My family sees a completely different side to mom and I expect to get some grid for my decision but I have decided to take my doctor's advice and take care of myself. I'll still transport mom to her doctor appointments and see she has her medications but I'm done being used and abused. It's just nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks

Smash up the tablets (unless they are time-released) and put them into applesauce. Drug stores sell crushers for this purpose.

Most childbeaters were beaten themselves as children and don't know any other response to anger, even without dementia. Document, get as much evaluation as possible for both physical and neurological things going on, and go from there. Pay for strength and if your presence is a trigger, remove yourself.

Let us hang in there together. We are all going thru the same accusations,violence,abuse etc. Keep in mind It is the disease,not the person.
When someone steps on your toe, it hurts. If it were an accident, one forgets it quickly although you still have to take care to ice your toe. Same here.YOU must take care of yourself and put things in perspective. The disease is the demon:it destroys the brain and the relationship. Think of your mom as your patient, not your mom anymore. Your mom may be essentially gone. She is probably furious because she is losing her very self.No wonder she is angry.
keep calm and carry on.

Sophe509--Please heed the suggestions you've received. When my 95-year old Aunt came to live with, I took her to new doc to get her evaluated. I asked about PT thinking it would help strengthen her. One night she got upset about her dog passing, didn't pay attention to what she was doing and fell. She was OK--nothing broken, just sore. As it happened, PT came the next day. As she loves to do with anyone who will listen, she told him all her woes including how sore she was from the fall. He immediately began asking me extensive questions--when, how, why--and made suggestions as to changes in her room that would make it easier for her to navigate . As is the law, he had to report it to his office and her doctor and to the nurse. When the nurse came that afternoon, she had to report her observations as well. His words to me still ring in my ears...."Well, it does appear that she fell." Don't get me wrong, he was very nice but it put me on guard. When I had agreed for her to come stay with me I had not for one minute thought about having to be careful and watch my back. Since she has been with me she has shared that the cousin she was with before threatened to hit her, pushed her, poked her. I don't know if that is true and, no, I haven't asked. Her personality has always been "it's all about me", "I want what I want and I want it now", and every gift she gave had strings. I love her very much because she has always been very loving towards me. But I will tell you this truth: if she ever outright accuses me of mistreating her in any way, I WILL move her into a NH post haste. Lot for you to think about and Good Luck!

I have cared for my 102 year old mother for 5 years... who now lives in an assisted living facility. My older sister was always absent when it came to caring responsibilities for any family member has more money than anyone in the family. She pays for help needed and other basic care needs...and that is her excuse when asked for help.."I paid for this" so let (Me) do the care giving and do the driving etc. and make the doctor's calls, etc. Now, I call myself "Cinderella" to the family and they don't like to hear me say that because they agree with the sister who has the money. If I added up the costs of caring for mom, which I do free, I told my sister, "she would be bankrupted." I really don't think having the most money should let any family member off the hook for being responsible. After refusing some of the family orders because I felt the need to take time off..my mother finally got it..when I didn't show up to help..Now I have set boundaries for myself..and I hope this change is clear to the ones who do nothing but give orders.. Sigh

As an abuse survivor myself, the only thing I would have to say in this kind of situation is "goodbye" and not look back, blunt but true

1RareFind..thanks for your comment..and glad you don't look back. I did say goodbye to my sister when my mother was placed in an assisted living facility..we don't speak. I set up one visiting day with my mother and anything and everything that I can do for her gets done on that day. She has good care and I have piece of mind when I leave.

Malachy2 I am not sure what the situation is in your country but I believe it is illegal to crush up medications and put them into apple sauce etc. without the knowledge/permission of the recipient. Doing so could lead to accusations of overdosing and leave you with nothing to back up your actions. Possibly one way around this would be to get a written order from the physician stating that it is OK for the caregiver to crush medications and put them in apple sauce or some other medium.

Hi Robimar,

i'm so glad that you found something that works for you. However, please be warned that there may come a time when you find yourself at your wits end and having to leave when you've had enough. Sometimes you may have to do whatever you have to do for your own well-being as well as your own sanity. Sometimes leaving is the only choice, so don't be surprised if something happens on one of those visiting days, and you find yourself having to leave and cut the visit short. I'm not sure how often you visit your loved one, but if anything ever happens that causes you to have to leave, you may have to spread the visits further apart. Let's say you visit once a week. Let's say there's a problem on the day you visit, and the problem causes you to have to leave during that visit. This may be a cause to spread the visits out to every two weeks. If the problem still persists, you may have to spread it out to only once a month or once every two months or so on. If it gets to once a yearor so, You may want to really do some serious soul searching to see if it's really worth it. You may want to see if your current lifestyle is actually more comfortable without that problem person, which may actually be a good opportunity to see if you'd really be best to stop visiting altogether. See if you don't feel better right away after leaving, and pay very close attention to how you feel when you've left the apartment and even the building. If you find yourself feeling better right away, this is a sure sign that you may be better off without that person, Which may also be a very good opportunity for you to make any necessary changes for your own well-being

I went through the accusations and lies for months whilst my mum was deteriorating. My dad was the main caregiver but under her control. My best defence was to have someone with me each time I visited. You must protect yourself as even other siblings believe what is said by the parent. My experience only came to an end when a Professional Care nurse witnessed what was happening and helped me see that I had to pull back for my own health and wellbeing. My mum passed away Boxing Day. The hurt somehow lifted after that and I could balance what had been happening and feel at peace with it. Now I choose to remember her in happier times and let the rest go.

Regarding the crushed pill in applesauce etc. Here in the US patients who live in nursing homes usually must have their meds delivered in cardboard cards . Each pill must be initialed next to its space when it is popped out of the card. If the patient is not able to take the pill or is harboring the pill in their mouth then it is common to crush and mix with something. I am not sure a doctors orders would really prevent any overdosing in a private home…unless the med was being fraudulently ordered too frequently. If the medicine cannot be compounded into a liquid then it really is the only way to administer the meds. What I always question is the efficacy of the drug once it is pulverized and how much the patient really gets.

I had a similar experience, My Grandmother (93) was prescribed Pradaxa and Sotalol on Feb 11 -2011 and sent home telling her no need for monitoring.
Within a day she could not get out of bed, I took her to the ER and the Dr was horrified, he had never seen anyone overdosed on Pradaxa yet and certainly not a 90 yr old! who weighed 105 lbs.. Her care became an extreme level of dedication, I alone could never do it, she required help with everything and was up every 4-6 hours or more. A fly was dispatched as soon as she requested, food what/ when, back rubs, My girlfriend hand washed her for 2 yrs and I am shockerd at how intimate she was yet hold such hidden disdain and have such cruelty in store for us both as she enjoyed our slavish care and breached my contract not to revoke my 50% share of the family trust, I asked for no pay, just no harm, and still I was cut out over 6 codicils and well over a year before she left my home and had to go to 3 care homes her last 4 months.
I learned that she cut me out I was the only one who did not know and everyone acts like it was true now she is dead and nobody has to step up and actually care for her as her ability to demonstrate appreciation diminished to the point she must have hated me but stayed to enjoy knowing what horror awaited me and she was benefitting full time slaves for free!

That behavior is hurtful and unacceptable! Can you get her some psych meds?

Hopeless - for what possible reason does your mother need the keys to your house?!!! For goodness sakes - get the locks changed! It will cost a little bit to pay a locksmith but you'll avoid a confrontation that could come by asking for the key back. Or - use her dementia to your benefit for a change - just sneak the key away and if she mentions it..,"no mom, I haven't seen your keys, can you remember the last time you saw them?" Followed with - should she ask- "I'll get you a new one next time I'm at the store". Lather, rinse, repeat.