There are no other options...so how do I cope with my Father living with us?

You must get away from him. If by chance, he goes to the hospital for illness, resolve not to pick him up. You inform the Social Worker you cannot take him back. Let the state of PA take over his care.

You're not alone in your desperation. Especially you're not alone in feeling bad that here is this old guy, messy and hopeless, with no one else to look after him so you're lumbered - and you find you're unable, for very good reasons, to do that job with grace. After all, what does he do that's so terrible? Not much. And you can't *stand* it. And I don't blame you.

By way of parallel, when she was still partly independent, my mother used to make this instant oatmeal with golden syrup flavouring in it for her breakfast. Well oh dearie me, not the crime of the century surely? But OHMYGOD that sweet stench in my kitchen every morning!!! I can't tell you how viciously furious it made me at the start of every day. Daft, isn't it?

And your Dad is pathetically grateful for your care and support, too. Groan. If only he were a curmudgeonly, controlling bully - ideally one who was mean to your toddler, too (don't tell me - he's a terrific Granddad? Much better than he was as a father?).

Well, you are a bit stuck.

They say (I think it might have been Eric Clapton first) "if you want to be happily married, marry a happy person." You certainly seem to have got that bit right. Your husband sounds a gem.

This is maybe what he's missing, though: that there is nothing rational about whether or not you are on the same wavelength as another human being. You don't have to have an explicable reason for finding your Dad's presence in the home a torment. It's enough that you just do.

And here is the good reason why your husband needs to support you more energetically in finding your father his own place. The frustration and desperation you feel are apt to lead to worse feelings - like anger, resentment, spite - that will make it near impossible for you to provide a home for your Dad. All too easily, his living environment could end up being emotionally abusive. Which would leave you feeling terrible, change the person you are, and impact on your marriage and your child.

Practical steps:

Ask your father to give you financial Power of Attorney, and make the arrangements for him to do it formally. This will make it much easier for you to act on his behalf and, later on, restrict his irresponsible spending.

Seek out more resources locally - day centres, activities, voluntary organisations, anything that can broaden your dad's horizons and get him out from under foot.

I expect you already have, but be persistent in seeking advice about how to get him living independently once more. Imagine you and your husband had magically vanished: what provision would be available to him? Aim for that.

And meanwhile, once you've set in motion all the wheels you can find, then do look for the good in him. Imagine looking back on this time, and think about what memories you would like to have. It's incredibly hard going, I know, but the one choice that you *do* have right now is whether to get through it well, or badly.

Keep venting! This is a safe place to dump any bad feelings. Best of luck x

gfd, I understand exactly what you mean. The nearly 10 months that my father lived with my husband and me were some of the most challenging of my life. Dysfunctional family, difficult childhood. Having Dad in our home brought back all the bad memories, and even though he has been living elsewhere for close to two years, I don't feel as though I'm back on an even keel emotionally. Is there a social worker at your father's doctor's office? If so, you might want to talk to her/him about possible housing options for your dad. Would an adult foster care home or an adult group home be an appropriate place for him? The waiting list might be shorter for that sort of living situation. Is he a veteran? He might be able to qualify for a veteran's pension. If it is absolutely impossible for him to move out at this time, I'd suggest that you think about the day-to-day annoyances that are caused by having him in your home. Something that I found almost intolerable was the blaring television. Shortly before he moved out, Dad bought a new television with headphones that allowed him to have the volume high without deafening the rest of the household. If I'd had any idea of what a relief that would be, I would have insisted that he make that purchase months earlier. Does your dad have his own bedroom at your house? If so, could you squeeze a recliner and a small TV into that room so that you could have the living room as a relatively quiet and private space for you, your husband, and your child? If your dad is super messy in the kitchen, it might be worthwhile to start fixing all of his meals for him (would your husband help with that?) so that he doesn't have the opportunity to drop, slop, and smear food all over the counters and floors. (I'm not suggesting preparing gourmet meals--just simple foods such as salads, fresh fruit, sandwiches. We used to buy precut fruit for my dad's breakfasts. It's more expensive than slicing fruit at home, but it makes it easier to put a quick breakfast on the table.) If he's messy in the bathroom, you may have to assume that's unavoidable and plan on a 5-minute mini-cleanup a couple of times a day (you could buy a couple of packages of inexpensive washcloths and keep them under the sink for quick wipe-ups). Is your husband aware of the details of your childhood? If he isn't, and you feel comfortable doing so, you could sharing some of your bad memories with him. That might help him understand why it's so difficult for you to have your dad around. Also, if you can't complain to your husband, could you vent to a friend? (I never felt comfortable doing that because I didn't want my friends to think that I wasn't a good daughter. Looking back on the situation now, I wish that I had been more honest with them.) Or could you talk to a therapist? Maybe the therapist that you talked with in the past? Just a few random thoughts here. I'm sure that others on this site will have lots more ideas for you. Please post again and let us know how you're doing.

I hear you. I went on a similar rant earlier...and I DO love my mom. But totally relate to wanting your life back!! Folks have good ideas though; TV with headphones, extra milk in a little fridge, tell him they stopped making Reeces Pieces (sorry, my bad), sugar in a pitcher. I have no real advice of my own because I'm in a similar boat but...keep ranting sister! Getting it out is half the battle.

I suppose this is more of a rant than a question :-/ I know I'm doing all I can by applying for subsidized housing and just waiting. I daydream about finding another senior citizen who wants a roommate :-) I guess I just wanted to know that I'm not alone in this feeling of desperation. My husband doesn't understand and says I just need to 'stop feeling bad', 'he's fine'... but it all the little things my dad does that drive me crazy.
He drinks a gallon of milk a day. So I need to stop at the store multiple times a week. And he spills a lot.
He eats Reeces Pieces candy by the 15oz bag. And drops them on the floor.
He spills sugar on the counter top. Daily.
I don't like his smell.
The TV is ALWAYS on.
He won't eat leftovers. He won't eat chicken. Or fish. Or scrambled eggs; he likes them over-medium.
When I make something he doesn't like, which is often, he won't eat. He'll have cereal. With lots of sugar. That he'll spill on the counter.
He goes to the bathroom a lot. Usually while we're getting ready for work.
He wants a car. But has no money. And is practically blind in one eye.
I could go on...... I try to tell him about these things but he doesn't notice them and forgets...

I know all these things sound REALLY petty. But they drive me crazy. And I have a toddler. He is less annoying than my dad. And I just miss my freedom. It's like having just a random old guy in my house. I want to be with just *MY* family. I am so sorry to go on and on.... I just feel like I'm never heard and since you all live with this too.... I don't know...I feel like this is a safe place to vent.

And yes, I'm getting back into therapy too. :)

Wow. I can't thank you all enough for identifying with my situation, understanding and empathizing. Just to know I'm not the only one, makes it a little more bearable. I do a lot of what's been suggested. It's just hard for me to not cater to people. I work on it every day though, and I think therapy will be a big help. I'll keep looking for alternative housing practice kindness and patience, if only for the sake of my husband and son, they don't deserve to suffer my moods related to my dad being here.
I'm glad I found this site. Hope I can help someone else feel heard.

Don't beat yourself up, I get it, I feel your pain. You are a good person for doing what you are doing. I moved dad in with me 2 years ago. Bad with money, didn't save, spent like crazy. We get along OK but it is tough having someone in the house. My wife doesn't understand my guilt complex. It is not that I have anything to be guilty about I just feel bad going out with my wife and doing other things by my self. He is starting to venture out to church and clubs but loves to be entertained. He doesn't reach out to grand kids, he waits for people to call him. He has a few friends he calls but that is it. I did move him 8 hours from home but there was not choice, he was out of money and out of assets so I am the primary care giver. He has enough to pay his insurance and gas that is about it. Still spends until he is out of money then I have to lend him money. I am pushing him to get out more and do more with clubs. It is hard at 80 being in a new town and trying to make new friends. I gave up trying now I just say what is on my mind.
I get the guilt, it is getting better. It just takes time. You are a good person for doing what you are doing!!!!!

tgengine - Thank you. You too are a good person :) This is rough stuff. I wish my dad would go out more. I tried to get him involved at the senior center but he didn't like doing the activities and being with "old" people. He doesn't think he's old...except when it's a good excuse for his behavior :-/ He doesn't drive, though he wants to, because he'll just burn through money faster and I fear get lost or cause an accident (he can't see or hear as well as he thinks and I feel like his head is not focused enough for safety on the road). There are community transport buses that can take him but you have to schedule them in advance and he can't think in the future. Anyway...here I go again...lol

tgengnie, I know exacly how you feel. My dad is the exact way and i know how flustered you are. I stay flustered more than i should. You hate to say their are a burden but that is how i feel these days. Really stinks