There are no other options...so how do I cope with my Father living with us?

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I've never been so unhappy...this is ruining my life.


My 80 year old father has been living with us (my husband and toddler son) for 8 months now. We 'rescued' him from terrible living conditions with my brother. I've never been close with my family. Very dysfunctional. I moved out with my then boyfriend (now husband) when I was 18 (20 years ago). My dad is not a bad guy but ridiculously bad with money and set in his ways. My husband convinced me to take him in because it was the humane thing to do and we thought he was more independent than he is. I had a ton of guilt growing up and I resolved it all thru therapy a few years ago. Well all my hard work is coming undone and it's ruining my life. I don't love my father. This is a burden. He's been irresponsible with money and has none. So I have him on every waiting list I can find for subsidized senior housing. The lists are years long. My husband doesn't want to hear me complain every day, simply about my dad's existence in our home, but I hate it. I want my life back. I don't want him in it. But there are no options. He has no where else to go. I can't even find him an apartment because he has no money saved and terrible credit. My husband does not (and cannot) comprehend my guilt complex and how my dad's presence is a cancer to my psyche. I can't stand that there is a problem with no solution. Just tell me I'm not alone in this desperation. Thank you for reading.

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I have been pushing dad to get out more but I see him slowing down fast. If he did what I suggest it may help but like my own getting into shape and losing weight it is a long slow battle.
He is slowly venturing out. I have started talking him with me on errands (as painful as it is). I am trying to put my own issues aside and trying to understand his. As I introduced my dad to someone yesterday "he is me in 25 years". Oh that was a scary thought. So as much as I gripe and complain I have to realize this is a part of life and have to grin and bear it. He asked about getting the boat out this year, it needs work. "I said we will see". He can hardly get into my truck let alone a moving boat. Again all a part of life I have to learn to deal with. Id love for him to do repairs around the house but it ends with me doing all the work. Right now it is day 3 me looking at his dirty laundry in the laundry room sitting on the floor. He has until 10 to do it today before I have to say something... Really? I actually have to say something? Again all a part of life I have to learn to deal with and be patient...
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gfd7974: I feel for you. Caregiving is hard, thankless work! Praying for you.
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tgengnie, I know exacly how you feel. My dad is the exact way and i know how flustered you are. I stay flustered more than i should. You hate to say their are a burden but that is how i feel these days. Really stinks
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tgengine - Thank you. You too are a good person :) This is rough stuff. I wish my dad would go out more. I tried to get him involved at the senior center but he didn't like doing the activities and being with "old" people. He doesn't think he's old...except when it's a good excuse for his behavior :-/ He doesn't drive, though he wants to, because he'll just burn through money faster and I fear get lost or cause an accident (he can't see or hear as well as he thinks and I feel like his head is not focused enough for safety on the road). There are community transport buses that can take him but you have to schedule them in advance and he can't think in the future. Anyway...here I go again...lol
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Don't beat yourself up, I get it, I feel your pain. You are a good person for doing what you are doing. I moved dad in with me 2 years ago. Bad with money, didn't save, spent like crazy. We get along OK but it is tough having someone in the house. My wife doesn't understand my guilt complex. It is not that I have anything to be guilty about I just feel bad going out with my wife and doing other things by my self. He is starting to venture out to church and clubs but loves to be entertained. He doesn't reach out to grand kids, he waits for people to call him. He has a few friends he calls but that is it. I did move him 8 hours from home but there was not choice, he was out of money and out of assets so I am the primary care giver. He has enough to pay his insurance and gas that is about it. Still spends until he is out of money then I have to lend him money. I am pushing him to get out more and do more with clubs. It is hard at 80 being in a new town and trying to make new friends. I gave up trying now I just say what is on my mind.
I get the guilt, it is getting better. It just takes time. You are a good person for doing what you are doing!!!!!
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You are not alone. There are solutions for your Dad and your family unit.There are provisions in every state for either Medicaid or Medicare for in home personal services. These services are a cost-effective alternative to institutionalized long term care. Our agency here in Wisconsin offers a FREE in home assessment by a nurse. If I might suggest contacting your ADRC office or a case manager for more options for you and your family. From first hand knowledge, I know there are some wonderful personal care workers who will alleviate the workload and the emotional burden you and your family are carrying.
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Well, so much for that. They have a 2 year wait list for the cheapest apartments, the only ones he can afford. The lady said, since he's a veteran, I should apply for HUD VASH... so I check out the program on the web... a requirement is that he *needs case management*...meaning he's sick, disabled or addicted. If you're just a normal old broke guy the government can't help you. I'll call anyway...when I find an hour or so of spare time...with a full time job and baby. Sigh..................
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So, this morning my husband says, "I can't believe he's finished 2 gallons of milk in 2 days. And I hear him dump so much down the sink!" He does. He pours a whole glass, drinks about half, it gets warm, he dumps it and refills. It's absolutely maddening.

We had a massive blizzard this past weekend...about 2 feet of snow. We live on a country road, no sidewalks. Yesterday he walked .3 miles up to the market just to get candy.

I found an ad this morning for a low-income senior apartment building about 30 minutes from my house. In the next state (MD - I'm in PA). They're taking applications now for residency in May. I'm going to call on my lunch break. I don't know how my dad will take the news....I don't really care. This needs to happen. At this point, even the HOPE that they have apartments available makes me so excited. Fingers crossed....
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I hear you. I went on a similar rant earlier...and I DO love my mom. But totally relate to wanting your life back!! Folks have good ideas though; TV with headphones, extra milk in a little fridge, tell him they stopped making Reeces Pieces (sorry, my bad), sugar in a pitcher. I have no real advice of my own because I'm in a similar boat but...keep ranting sister! Getting it out is half the battle.
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I am glad to know you will be seeing a therapist. She/He will help you learn to also set boundaries and give you coping skills. This is not easy and anyone who thinks so has never been there. I would have had no idea how much my life would change, but a friend forewarned me and he was right. I am gleaning the positive from it, and learning to deal with the negative. Support groups are essential! Best to you.
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