Runnindove You have come to the right place, I new to this site but have been a caregiver since 93 with my husband= he is in rehab for the 10 th time in the last 5-6 years. So I'm getting a break -please tell us what your concerns are and I know you will find a great group of warm caring people who are also are trying to deal with situations that we did not ask for-mostly caregivers are the forgotten ones and life can be more than we can take at times and it helps more than I can say to talk with other caregivers.
I moved in with my parents a year ago June. I was caring for both my elderly parents ages 87 and 85 and my two grandsons ages 1 and 2. I lost my dad last week after being in the nursing home for two months. I am now caring for my mother, which is very hard to please. She talks non-stop from the moment she awakes in the morning to the second she goes to bed at night. I don't have alone time for at least 5 minutes and she wakes me up if I try to take a nap. Everything is very negative with her, she doesn't a possitive or good thing to say about anyone. She is now blaming me for my father's death and says that she will never forgive me, be cause I had my dad put in the nursing home. My dad was happy to the end and thanked me for taking him to the nursing home. In one of our conversations he stated that he was resting comfortably and had peace and quiet. I am hoping that I am able to get some information and advice from others on this site. At this time I am overwhelmed.
RUNNINGDOVE I am so sorry for the passing of your DAD, I am sure your Dad was grateful to be away from your Mon and got much peace and quiet in the N.H. Try not to let her get you down you did the right thing as your Dad told- it is great he did share that with you. I can understand how hard it is to have the person you are working so hard to care for say such mean things to you after a while you feel they are right and it hurts. Many times when my husband was in Rehab until recently the staff was so use to seeing me cry-some of the bolder ones would get upset with him- once a doc yelled at him to not talk to his wife like that. You know you did the right thing and she knows it also but it makes it easier for her to blame you, she wants to hurt you. A friend at church told me people can be mean to those that they depend on the most. You will get a lot of help on this site-there are so many warm caring people here and will be happy to support you-hang in there we all know how it feels to be overwhelmed and at the end of your rope-do we ever!
I'm so glad you are coming to this site. These are all people who have been through different experiences, but they will understand how you are feeling. The isolation and exhaustion of caregiving can be overwhelming. And most people don't understand unless they've "been there." We all have been there, or are there. Please keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing. Carol
How I would have gained support and benefit from this site when I most needed it. But I only had time and energy to explore the internet - when I found this site -AFTER my Father-in-law went into his final Respite stay, where he died soon after realizing we couldn't take him home again because we were no longer coping. That was just a month ago today. We miss him so so much. Had we found ways of venting the frustration and of hearing from others and understanding that this is such a common difficulty for carers, it would have been so helpful. Thank you, Agingcare, for providing such a 'linkup' site. I have you as a link on my blog to try and help people find you as soon as possible.
How is it that it seems our dad's were the caring ones and our mothers are the ones that drive me crazy. My mother is also negative, mean and has nothing ever good to say.
I have been caring for my mother and father 20 years. My dad has had 3 strokes and mom is just a nervous freaking wreck and can't do anything without my help. I am having a complete nervous breakdown after losing my home in Katrina and now having to take my parents in to live with me. I have woke to sickness everyday of my life for 21 years now and cannot literally stand it.
This is a great place to vent, but nothing is helping me. I would rather be caring for my dad by himself than my mom with no illness.
Your had more to handle than anyone should, with Kartrina on top of all of this. Strokes often make people hard to handle, but apparently your dad has retained his sweetness. It's so sad that your mom is making this hard. Is there no one else in the family, or your church or a social agency who can at least spell you?
At least you can say how you feel and that's good.
Had a physical, occupational and nurse come out today to try to get some home health to take something off of me. After them coming in, I realized all they want to do is to help me give me tips on getting him in the shower again, and getting him in the car again to go to the dr. or get his coumadin levels taken. I wanted some relief. I wanted someone to possibly come in and shower him twice a week and the nurse to keep coming home to take his coumadin so I wouldn't have to do that too.
I wake up so depressed and have lost so much weight that I find it hard to continue on, but do. I have two brothers that won't even take them for a few days, so I could vacation with my family. Have just moved into a house that I added a 1200 sq. ft. addition onto for them to have separate, but together, living quarters. Thought that would help me to not have to listen to the everyday complaints, but it has not changed anything.
My mom, even when we were living in separate houses, was always sick from her nerves and I would have to leave my husband and children to go sleep by her house many of nights, just because she was frightened. She don't seem to remember the way I remember it and there is no telling her any different. She is mean and selfish and I do love her, because she was a good mother. I just can't remember it any more.
It is a shame that it comes to that I have so much hatred for my parents after this long. I think and am afraid that I will die before them and never have had chance to have a real life. My dad took ill when I was pregnant and 25. My oldest daughter is 21 and I am 46, half of my life is gone. I think I am having a mid life crisis and just don't know how to face another day.
Marylynne, you need more than this. Have you been to a doctor for yourself? Getting help with your parents is good, but you need a checkup, too.
And it sounds like your mother may need medication. Has she been checked for Alzheimer's or other dementia? That can make people even more difficult to handle. Maybe she needs medication for anxiety.
Somewhere along the line, you will have to find assisted living for them (or a nursing home, depending on their condition). You can still visit every day if you want. You will still be a caregiver, but you will have help and won't be totally responsible.
Yes, they will object. But they will adjust.
You haven't had a chance to live your life. Your kids need you and need you to be healthy. You may one day have grandchildren. You want to live to know them.
Your parents would not want you to be one of the caregiver's who dies before the people they are caring for. This happens to 30%! Please don't be one of them. They really would not want this, and it could happen.
Please get a checkup, and talk to social services or someone who can help you get more help or find a living center for one or both of your parents.
Marylynne, I feel for you. After my dad died, I have decided to get out and find a place of my own. One of my younger brothers has moved in and his wife will follow in 2 wks., the house is getting crowded. My mother is very hateful, mean and curses at me everyday. I, as you, can't take it anymore. So, I am going to get away as soon as I can and let my brother and his wife deal with her. I can't even get close to her, I cringe when she touches me and I am also angry. I need some alone time and so do you. The best place for your parents is a nursing home or assisted living. You need time with your family, as do I. I am divorced, but have 3 wonderful son's and 4 grandchildren that I want to spend time with. My brothers would only show up like doctor's visits. A few minutes at a time. The decision to commit your parents to a NH or AL is difficult, but you need to think about yourself and your family. Please go see a doctor, as I have, it will help you. Rose
I am so glad you have made a decision to get out of that situation and get a place of your own, just making a big decision on your own will probably help you become stronger. Let your brother cope with your mother, it is possible she will be nicer to him then she is to you-my husband took all his venmon out on me and was so nice to most other people-I had been told so often what a nice person he was. You are great for this site-you have been through so much-more than a person should have-you will be so helpful to others who have problems that are too much to deal with-bless you.
Austin is right on about so many things, but the biggest is that we can use our experiences to help others. It gives more meaning to all we, as caregivers, have gone through.
It's so common that people take out their anger on those that "will take it." And those are often their caregivers. Then they are so nice to other people, and others don't understand what we've been through.
There's just so much good advice and common sense and compassion on this site. What a joy to be a small part of it. Carol
ChickPEA I hope you stay on this site and help those who are going through such hardships-I too could have used this site for the past few-really many years but now that I learned to be stronger after a lot of conseling and meds I feel maybe I can help others who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I still need the support of others friends can help but if they do not have your life it is hard for them to understand-please stay with us-we need yoy
Yes, ChickPea, you're not done with the need for communication, yet. I've found that I've needed to keep it up, as caregiving became such a part of me. Sharing with others is just natural. You have more grieving to do, and you have a wealth of experience to share. We'll be watching for your input, and we hope you will continue to find comfort here.
The day after my father's funeral, I fractured my right foot. I didn't realize it was fractured, and went to drop my son off at the airport. He was returning to Afghanistan. That night my foot was very swollen my the time I finally went to bed. My anger right now is that even though I've been taking care of my mother now and cooking for my brother, as his wife has not yet transfered here. I am on crutches and no one has even bothered to ask me if I need anything or helped me when I fix myself something to eat. I have to hobble around with one crutch and my plate or coffee cup in the other. I mainly stay in my room now and sleep quite a bit. I am still going to my therapy at a Senior Adult facility, to learn how to cope with all this. It's the only outlet that I have. I am still waiting to find an apartment or house to move to. I know I will be better once I am alone in my own little place. I can't believe how inconsiderate my mom and brother are. There is a saying: They are like the rake, everything that way and nothing this way. I'm glad that I can come to this site and vent. Thanks for listening.
As far as testing coumadin levels - you can get your own pt-inr testing device at home. I know that you are saying you want someone to come in and do all of these things for you - but this might make your life easier.
Carol, I am going to add a link to the company website at the bottom of this post - I do not work for them, but I have applied for a testing device for my mother - a godsend rather than having to drive to the doctor's everytime her levels need checking. It also has alot of info on vitamin K levels, and recipes - if it helps one more person monitor & manage coag levels wthout all of the driving and extra steps I will be happy.
How do you have a 'shield' when the mother (mine) is still clever enough to use your words against you? My 86 year old mother was always the master manipulator. In her younger years she was an extremely successful professional woman but a disaster as a wife & mother- just making sure the surface looked good with no concern for the emotional care of her 4 children and husband. Now that she is a widow she uses me to be her entire emotional life. I am the only daughter. She gets very ill each and every time I make the slightest move to independence. I am 51 years old and she lives down the street from me. My brothers (2 survive) refuse to deal with her at all. I was married for 16 yrs. but right after my divorce 15 years ago the illnesses started and I had to adjust my life drastically. I can't work at the jobs I would like (they involve travel) so I am stuck with local work that I do not care for. In this economy jobs are scarce. I have been trying for the past 5 years for something better but nothing is opening up. When I did have an opportunity at a good one 5 years ago & told my mother she had a slight heart attack the next day and I had to not take it to stay with her. I tried to talk her into assisted living or a live in nurse or at the least a visiting nurse. She starts to cry every time and tells people (neighbors,doctors) I am abandoning her. I have had people tell me I am a horrible person for suggesting such things and that it is my duty to take care of her. I have not dated in 5 years. Each time I tried and she met the person she would tear him verbally to shreds to me. She is so intelligent that she makes compelling arguments that are hard to avoid or correct, even though she is wrong. The stress is killing me. I want to just go away and lead my own life. But I feel trapped in this living hell. I am sure people reading this would think 'all you have to do is stand up to her, be firm, get outside help' but BELIEVE me I have tried and she manages to cleverly trump every move. She ACTUALLY has made herself sick on several occassions just to keep me waiting on her hand and foot. My friends (the few I still have since I don't have time to be with them as much) tell me they have never seen such a domineering force as my mother. At least that is comforting to me that I am not blowing this out of proportion. How does one extract themselves from such tyranny? I hope people don't respond with flippant one liners here. Life is not so easily fixed by one line answers. Thank you for letting me vent. People are very kind in this site.
Hey there newroc36 - I am trying to understand something - what is really keeping you there? I don't mean this unkindly. If you are stressed and have these issues with your mother, then what is the compelling reason to stay? Please let us know if it is not too personal - many of us are in the same situations.
On this board you can talk about anything - vent to your hearts content - and get support & nice warm fuzzies from some very kind people who are carrying burdens too. I do think though from my interpretation of what you wrote that you do need some distance, and have some work to do to gain perspective if you plan to continue as a caregiver, or you are going to burn out soon - and then who will take care of you?
There are no flippant one liners on this board - and sometimes the insights that others will share with you along with their stories may help you come to your own decisions. take care.
I guess you really didn't read my post.(Now that she is a widow she uses me to be her entire emotional life. I am the only daughter. She gets very ill each and every time I make the slightest move to independence. I am 51 years old and she lives down the street from me. My brothers (2 survive) refuse to deal with her at all.) As I said in my post, I stay because I am the only relative my mother has that is viable enough to handle her affairs. One brother has not spoken to the family in 30 years. The other is a diagnosed bipolar. I take her to doctors, handling the emergency situations such as when she had her heart attacks and last years liver
take her to doctors, handling the emergency situations such as when she had her heart attacks and last years liver & kidney infections. I handle all of her financial affairs, medical records, food shopping, cooking, cleaning. I am not wealthy and cannot afford outside help. I barely make enough to support myself. Her health insurance has covered her hospital costs (Thank God) but nothing more. If I just walk out- she will be totally alone and I believe the law authorities can hold me culpable for anything that may happen to her by charging me with neglect.
Hi again. Yes I did read your post - and I am sorry that you may not have understood me. I asked you to elaborate on the why.....to encourage your opening up about YOU and your motivations in order to find what you need whether it be solace, advice, resources or just a sounding board. I hope hat you have read some of the others posts - if not, you might find some comfort in them - you are not alone.
there are many options open to you - and many people will give you advice. I certainly didn't mean to suggest that you walk out - but you do have options that don't involve abandonment. I merely suggested that you can create boundries to preserve your sanity and peace of mind. Caregiving is a hard job and many times it is thankless - everyone has an opinion but no one pitches in to help. At least here whatever you say is being said to people who are carrying similar loads.
You have an extreme problem that may call for extreme measures. You may want to read my article on this site titled "Caring for parents who didn't care for you." I talk about support groups, which this is. I know personally how hard it is to get away, which is why online support is so valuable.
I was also the "bad daughter" when many people saw my mother, as she covered her dementia so well that they couldn't understand why she was in a nursing home (dementia wasn't her only issue). But she covered so well as to make me look like I was lying. I was told by a nurse I knew well that when she was abusive, don't go the next day (to visit). I couldn't envision it. But once, when pushed too far, I did skip a day. I didn't even call. I just couldn't believe that this was my mother treating me like that. She was nice as pie the next day when I went in, so she well understood that she had crossed the line.
I'm not even beginning to compare my situation with yours, as yours is much, much worse. I'm just trying to relate to how bad it feels when others think you are bad, when you are giving up your life for her. In my article I write about having a legal guardian appointed to take care of affairs, when the family is this dysfunctional. There are guardian services out there. You can call your county adult social services for a referal.
People will think you are awful. Your mother will have a fit. But what you are doing will kill you. If you can't get her to go into assisted living where you can choose when (and if) to visit, you will become a statistic (30 % of the caregivers die before those they are caring for - could be higher). This isn't a place to waffle. Your life is wasting away. Again - this could kill you!
Your mother needs to be told by a third party that she needs assisted living or a nursing home, and that you are no longer giving her your life. If that means social services has to be involved, so be it. You are being abused. Call your social services for help.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. You must get outside help. Your one brother bailed because he can't deal with it. You are not bailing, if you get a guardian for her. You are putting her in professional hands because you can't do this by yourself.
Carol
You will get lots of emotional support with this group and I hope you keep talking. No one intends to be flip, but in the end, no one can solve your problem. Yo
I am awed by the kind support I am receiving here. God bless you all. To not feel alone is the greatest gift from this site. Carol- your words especially gave me some thoughtful ideas/suggestions. I will most definitely take them to heart.
After reading your postings, you and I are in very similar situations. My mom is very manipulative too and has taken my life away from me for 20 years now. I like you do not know how to get it back. My two brothers will have nothing to do with her and no one likes her. If I abandon her she will have no one. I sometimes feel like my only out is to abandon her and my disabled father and never be in touch with them again. If I abandon my mother, I do not have to worry about ever hearing from her again, if I even talk crooked to her she is mad forever.
Don't know what to do and no psychiatrist could tell me what I already know, that I did this to myself by not setting boundaries and having enough ba__s to step up and say how I feel. But, it will do me no good, she always turns things around to make it seem like its me and not her. She will tell me something is wrong with my mind.
She will, you are right. You know, already, the results. As you say, no psychiatrist can tell you what you don't already know.
It will be up to you. But you can save some (unearned) guilt by making sure your county social services knows of her issues. There are guardian services available. Maybe you can set up a guardian service where the court decides what is best for her.
You will then have no control, but you will also be free of the need to do more than you choose or can. It's extreme, but you are in an extreme situtation. If she has no one who can take care of her without her abusing them, then that may be the only answer. You don't deserve this abuse. No one does. Please keep in touch and let us know what you do with the extreme situtation. You will help others stay strong. Carol
I have spent the last 10 years working with seniors at an ALF. Now I'm working with caregivers (county health dept.) You need to take care of YOURSELF. If the oxygen mask pops down in an airplane, you put yours on first, then your companion. Your health is in jeopardy. We love our parents, but we can't sacrifice our lives to them. When brothers won't even stay with them for you to have a vacation, it's time for action. If you truly want to keep them at home, there is respite at NH. You need to look into it. Tour local NH and get the ball rolling to admit them. Runnindove, you need to contact your health dept. to help find a support group. The time spent in a good support group is time well spent. They have been in the trenches and can give expert advice. It's time to be proactive. Hit the ground running. If this continues at this pace, I'm concerned for you. You can do this. God bless
You have come to the right place, I new to this site but have been a caregiver since 93 with my husband= he is in rehab for the 10 th time in the last 5-6 years. So I'm getting a break -please tell us what your concerns are and I know you will find a great group of warm caring people who are also are trying to deal with situations that we did not ask for-mostly caregivers are the forgotten ones and life can be more than we can take at times and it helps more than I can say to talk with other caregivers.
I am so sorry for the passing of your DAD, I am sure your Dad was grateful to be away from your Mon and got much peace and quiet in the N.H. Try not to let her get you down you did the right thing as your Dad told- it is great he did share that with you. I can understand how hard it is to have the person you are working so hard to care for say such mean things to you after a while you feel they are right and it hurts. Many times when my husband was in Rehab until recently the staff was so use to seeing me cry-some of the bolder ones would get upset with him- once a doc yelled at him to not talk to his wife like that. You know you did the right thing and she knows it also but it makes it easier for her to blame you, she wants to hurt you. A friend at church told me people can be mean to those that they depend on the most. You will get a lot of help on this site-there are so many warm caring people here and will be happy to support you-hang in there we all know how it feels to be overwhelmed and at the end of your rope-do we ever!
Carol
How is it that it seems our dad's were the caring ones and our mothers are the ones that drive me crazy. My mother is also negative, mean and has nothing ever good to say.
I have been caring for my mother and father 20 years. My dad has had 3 strokes and mom is just a nervous freaking wreck and can't do anything without my help. I am having a complete nervous breakdown after losing my home in Katrina and now having to take my parents in to live with me. I have woke to sickness everyday of my life for 21 years now and cannot literally stand it.
This is a great place to vent, but nothing is helping me. I would rather be caring for my dad by himself than my mom with no illness.
Marylynne
At least you can say how you feel and that's good.
Carol
Had a physical, occupational and nurse come out today to try to get some home health to take something off of me. After them coming in, I realized all they want to do is to help me give me tips on getting him in the shower again, and getting him in the car again to go to the dr. or get his coumadin levels taken. I wanted some relief. I wanted someone to possibly come in and shower him twice a week and the nurse to keep coming home to take his coumadin so I wouldn't have to do that too.
I wake up so depressed and have lost so much weight that I find it hard to continue on, but do. I have two brothers that won't even take them for a few days, so I could vacation with my family. Have just moved into a house that I added a 1200 sq. ft. addition onto for them to have separate, but together, living quarters. Thought that would help me to not have to listen to the everyday complaints, but it has not changed anything.
My mom, even when we were living in separate houses, was always sick from her nerves and I would have to leave my husband and children to go sleep by her house many of nights, just because she was frightened. She don't seem to remember the way I remember it and there is no telling her any different. She is mean and selfish and I do love her, because she was a good mother. I just can't remember it any more.
It is a shame that it comes to that I have so much hatred for my parents after this long. I think and am afraid that I will die before them and never have had chance to have a real life. My dad took ill when I was pregnant and 25. My oldest daughter is 21 and I am 46, half of my life is gone. I think I am having a mid life crisis and just don't know how to face another day.
Thanks for listening.
Marylynne
And it sounds like your mother may need medication. Has she been checked for Alzheimer's or other dementia? That can make people even more difficult to handle. Maybe she needs medication for anxiety.
Somewhere along the line, you will have to find assisted living for them (or a nursing home, depending on their condition). You can still visit every day if you want. You will still be a caregiver, but you will have help and won't be totally responsible.
Yes, they will object. But they will adjust.
You haven't had a chance to live your life. Your kids need you and need you to be healthy. You may one day have grandchildren. You want to live to know them.
Your parents would not want you to be one of the caregiver's who dies before the people they are caring for. This happens to 30%! Please don't be one of them. They really would not want this, and it could happen.
Please get a checkup, and talk to social services or someone who can help you get more help or find a living center for one or both of your parents.
Rose
I am so glad you have made a decision to get out of that situation and get a place of your own, just making a big decision on your own will probably help you become stronger. Let your brother cope with your mother, it is possible she will be nicer to him then she is to you-my husband took all his venmon out on me and was so nice to most other people-I had been told so often what a nice person he was. You are great for this site-you have been through so much-more than a person should have-you will be so helpful to others who have problems that are too much to deal with-bless you.
It's so common that people take out their anger on those that "will take it." And those are often their caregivers. Then they are so nice to other people, and others don't understand what we've been through.
There's just so much good advice and common sense and compassion on this site. What a joy to be a small part of it.
Carol
I hope you stay on this site and help those who are going through such hardships-I too could have used this site for the past few-really many years but now that I learned to be stronger after a lot of conseling and meds I feel maybe I can help others who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I still need the support of others friends can help but if they do not have your life it is hard for them to understand-please stay with us-we need yoy
Take care of yourself,
Carol
I am sorry for all of your troubles -
As far as testing coumadin levels - you can get your own pt-inr testing device at home. I know that you are saying you want someone to come in and do all of these things for you - but this might make your life easier.
Carol, I am going to add a link to the company website at the bottom of this post - I do not work for them, but I have applied for a testing device for my mother - a godsend rather than having to drive to the doctor's everytime her levels need checking. It also has alot of info on vitamin K levels, and recipes - if it helps one more person monitor & manage coag levels wthout all of the driving and extra steps I will be happy.
I am trying to understand something - what is really keeping you there? I don't mean this unkindly. If you are stressed and have these issues with your mother, then what is the compelling reason to stay? Please let us know if it is not too personal - many of us are in the same situations.
On this board you can talk about anything - vent to your hearts content - and get support & nice warm fuzzies from some very kind people who are carrying burdens too. I do think though from my interpretation of what you wrote that you do need some distance, and have some work to do to gain perspective if you plan to continue as a caregiver, or you are going to burn out soon - and then who will take care of you?
There are no flippant one liners on this board - and sometimes the insights that others will share with you along with their stories may help you come to your own decisions. take care.
Yes I did read your post - and I am sorry that you may not have understood me.
I asked you to elaborate on the why.....to encourage your opening up about YOU and your motivations in order to find what you need whether it be solace, advice, resources or just a sounding board. I hope hat you have read some of the others posts - if not, you might find some comfort in them - you are not alone.
there are many options open to you - and many people will give you advice. I certainly didn't mean to suggest that you walk out - but you do have options that don't involve abandonment. I merely suggested that you can create boundries to preserve your sanity and peace of mind. Caregiving is a hard job and many times it is thankless - everyone has an opinion but no one pitches in to help. At least here whatever you say is being said to people who are carrying similar loads.
take care, be well
take care -
You have an extreme problem that may call for extreme measures. You may want to read my article on this site titled "Caring for parents who didn't care for you." I talk about support groups, which this is. I know personally how hard it is to get away, which is why online support is so valuable.
I was also the "bad daughter" when many people saw my mother, as she covered her dementia so well that they couldn't understand why she was in a nursing home (dementia wasn't her only issue). But she covered so well as to make me look like I was lying. I was told by a nurse I knew well that when she was abusive, don't go the next day (to visit). I couldn't envision it. But once, when pushed too far, I did skip a day. I didn't even call. I just couldn't believe that this was my mother treating me like that. She was nice as pie the next day when I went in, so she well understood that she had crossed the line.
I'm not even beginning to compare my situation with yours, as yours is much, much worse. I'm just trying to relate to how bad it feels when others think you are bad, when you are giving up your life for her. In my article I write about having a legal guardian appointed to take care of affairs, when the family is this dysfunctional. There are guardian services out there. You can call your county adult social services for a referal.
People will think you are awful. Your mother will have a fit. But what you are doing will kill you. If you can't get her to go into assisted living where you can choose when (and if) to visit, you will become a statistic (30 % of the caregivers die before those they are caring for - could be higher). This isn't a place to waffle. Your life is wasting away. Again - this could kill you!
Your mother needs to be told by a third party that she needs assisted living or a nursing home, and that you are no longer giving her your life. If that means social services has to be involved, so be it. You are being abused. Call your social services for help.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. You must get outside help. Your one brother bailed because he can't deal with it. You are not bailing, if you get a guardian for her. You are putting her in professional hands because you can't do this by yourself.
Carol
You will get lots of emotional support with this group and I hope you keep talking. No one intends to be flip, but in the end, no one can solve your problem. Yo
I thank each and every one who responded.
After reading your postings, you and I are in very similar situations. My mom is very manipulative too and has taken my life away from me for 20 years now. I like you do not know how to get it back. My two brothers will have nothing to do with her and no one likes her. If I abandon her she will have no one. I sometimes feel like my only out is to abandon her and my disabled father and never be in touch with them again. If I abandon my mother, I do not have to worry about ever hearing from her again, if I even talk crooked to her she is mad forever.
Don't know what to do and no psychiatrist could tell me what I already know, that I did this to myself by not setting boundaries and having enough ba__s to step up and say how I feel. But, it will do me no good, she always turns things around to make it seem like its me and not her. She will tell me something is wrong with my mind.
Marylynne
It will be up to you. But you can save some (unearned) guilt by making sure your county social services knows of her issues. There are guardian services available. Maybe you can set up a guardian service where the court decides what is best for her.
You will then have no control, but you will also be free of the need to do more than you choose or can. It's extreme, but you are in an extreme situtation. If she has no one who can take care of her without her abusing them, then that may be the only answer. You don't deserve this abuse. No one does. Please keep in touch and let us know what you do with the extreme situtation. You will help others stay strong.
Carol