She's bedridden and needs me to help with various little things. Examples include helping clip fingernails, getting one of her hands onto her potty chair, and getting her legs on and off the bed. Most of the time, she opts not to have the foot rests put on her wheelchair and on some occasions, she has me drag her by her legs while getting her back to her bed. The barometric pressure has been at or close to 30 the past several days and because of that, she's needed leg help nearly every time she needs to sit on the side of the bed. Lately, she's criticized how I clip her nails on the few occasions I had to help. I'm not doing anything wrong, but she wants it done a certain way. I told her I know how to clip nails. 5+4=9. So does 6+3. At times, she criticizes how I do little things like put paper clips on things, how hot the water is when she washes her hand in a cup, or accidentally giving her a little too much soap.
She talked about getting a new mattress with a box spring years ago. Then, she changed her mind last year and decided to skip the box spring and get just a new mattress, but she didn't do it and regretted not doing it when Covid cases were low. And a couple of months ago, she decided not to get a new mattress at all and get some friends of hers to rotate her mattress. She's yet to get it rotated and I'm almost ready to do it myself.
She gets emotional when I show just a tiny bit of frustration over her issues and needing help, along with the rare occasions I have enough courage to give her advice, and says she "hates being sick." The thing is, she doesn't hate being sick enough to change and do more. She doesn't hate her circumstances enough to try to actually do something about it, let alone try to seek help and advice. She said the other day she's struggling to get better, but she's barely doing anything to get better. Won't get extra help. Won't do PT. A couple of friends of hers said to call if she needed them and she rarely calls them for any sort of assistance or errands.
If I had a dollar for every time she cried over me accidentally upsetting her, I'd have enough to put her in the nursing home. And if she exercised as often as she cried, she would be in better shape and walking around right now.
I, her son, CAN'T be her emotional support partner. I really wish she would make that someone else's job. And I wish she would give the caregiving duties to other people and leave me out of it.
Don't just wish. Make a plan. Start taking steps toward freeing yourself from the caregiver role.
Your mother has no intention of making any changes because you're doing it all for her.
Start backing off. Let her needs go unmet, so that she will see that she needs help, but not from you.