She's bedridden and needs me to help with various little things. Examples include helping clip fingernails, getting one of her hands onto her potty chair, and getting her legs on and off the bed. Most of the time, she opts not to have the foot rests put on her wheelchair and on some occasions, she has me drag her by her legs while getting her back to her bed. The barometric pressure has been at or close to 30 the past several days and because of that, she's needed leg help nearly every time she needs to sit on the side of the bed. Lately, she's criticized how I clip her nails on the few occasions I had to help. I'm not doing anything wrong, but she wants it done a certain way. I told her I know how to clip nails. 5+4=9. So does 6+3. At times, she criticizes how I do little things like put paper clips on things, how hot the water is when she washes her hand in a cup, or accidentally giving her a little too much soap.
She talked about getting a new mattress with a box spring years ago. Then, she changed her mind last year and decided to skip the box spring and get just a new mattress, but she didn't do it and regretted not doing it when Covid cases were low. And a couple of months ago, she decided not to get a new mattress at all and get some friends of hers to rotate her mattress. She's yet to get it rotated and I'm almost ready to do it myself.
She gets emotional when I show just a tiny bit of frustration over her issues and needing help, along with the rare occasions I have enough courage to give her advice, and says she "hates being sick." The thing is, she doesn't hate being sick enough to change and do more. She doesn't hate her circumstances enough to try to actually do something about it, let alone try to seek help and advice. She said the other day she's struggling to get better, but she's barely doing anything to get better. Won't get extra help. Won't do PT. A couple of friends of hers said to call if she needed them and she rarely calls them for any sort of assistance or errands.
If I had a dollar for every time she cried over me accidentally upsetting her, I'd have enough to put her in the nursing home. And if she exercised as often as she cried, she would be in better shape and walking around right now.
I, her son, CAN'T be her emotional support partner. I really wish she would make that someone else's job. And I wish she would give the caregiving duties to other people and leave me out of it.
Don't just wish. Make a plan. Start taking steps toward freeing yourself from the caregiver role.
Your mother has no intention of making any changes because you're doing it all for her.
Start backing off. Let her needs go unmet, so that she will see that she needs help, but not from you.
Well, she won't, will she.
There is an irony in this, you know. You describe how frustrating it is that she says she hates her condition and would do anything to change it, then does two-thirds of eff-all about it and leans on you.
Um. So we hear you, and I expect we're all thinking "well, BlickBob needs to change this because she isn't going to" - but all you are prepared to do is wish she'd change.
Er...
But I looked on your profile page and it says your mother has cancer? What kind of cancer, and how does it affect her?
Or do nothing and continue to suffer. It's your call.
Blick, you are a man with a college education living with your mom into his 30s. I’m sorry, but most millennials and really people in general would see that in one way, like you being the chick who refused to fly the coop.
True or false?
True or false?
I booked & paid for a tropical holiday package.
Spot the difference?
"I feel like doing (blank)."
"I did (blank)."
She thinks that feeling like doing something but not actually doing it is somehow a victory. I can't tell you how often she says "I felt like doing (blank), but didn't actually do it.
Are you in therapy, young man? If not, why not?
:) only you know all the facts.
it might seem very easy for an outsider what should be done, but that's sometimes because they don't realize the situation is much more complicated.
if it were so easy, you would have done various solutions long ago.
sending you empathy! often what we want is empathy, kindness. that IN ITSELF, helps! :) :) :)
------
possible future solutions?
1 thing that helps me, for example, is to have a very clear vision of my ambitions/dreams/goals. these ambitions are non-negotiable. i'm not in any way willing to give up on them. (i've been like this my whole life) (i go for my dreams!).
if you know your non-negotiable GOAL, you'll do ALL YOU CAN to get there. and that means, you're not willing to do A, B, C...because it's totally incompatible with achieving your dream.
you might be willing to do D, but not A, B, C.
let's take my example:
if i had no clear goal, i would be pushed around by various people to help with this and that (because i'm kind) (because of course i'll help my LOs in extreme, urgent need).
since i do have a clear goal, i'll still help, but the way in which i help is not allowed to destroy my dream/goal. i will NOT be ANOTHER sacrificed girl in this world.
------
another point:
OP, you and i are both unmarried, no children.
that makes us the perfect victim-----our LOs (intentionally or not) think we have more time, more available. (by the way, my LOs don't think that way, but unfortunately for me, my siblings don't help. so i help. my parents feel it's extremely unfair it's landed all on me, and urge me to focus on myself. they appreciate the help i give. they cheer me on, every step of my ambitions/goals).
if your day would be filled with hundreds of tasks (tasks FOR YOUR LIFE), then you would - objectively - have less time for your LOs.
what i'm saying is, unfortunately for us OP, we are the perfect victim. unmarried, childless? that's a needy person's dream situation!!! they feel they can take your time.
-------
conclusion:
please have clear dreams/goals in your life. and work towards them :).
non-negotiable dreams.
THEN, you'll naturally look for solutions (regarding your mother) that DON'T DESTROY your dreams, your life.
hug!!! :)
bundle of joy :)
She has you at her beck and call.
I have to admit that I really don't "get" the big picture here.
Mom had cancer several years ago, hurt her ankle and is now bed-ridden. I don't get that. Did she have a stroke or some other major injury that left her bed-ridden?
Has she applied for Long Term Care Medicaid?
Has she had a "needs assessment"?
What does her doctor advise in terms of the level of care she needs?
Have you started a job search?
She hasn't been to any doctor's office since the end of 2018.
Because she can't be on her own and can't use the bathroom by herself, I can't work.
Stop waiting on her hand and foot. If you don't move her hands for her, she will have to make the effort.
If Mom is this incapacitated, she needs to be medically evaluated to medically qualify for Medicaid. Then apply for Medicaid and get her in a nursing home. Your inaction is keeping you and Mom back. Put on your big boy pants and get busy. You are part of the problem. It's not just Mom not exercising .
I shattered my ankle and have had to have several surgeries for it. I'm in a wheelchair but it's not the end of the world. I'm also on dialysis 5 days a week. I don't expect my adult son to hold my hand.
You might want to start setting some boundaries.
OP will have to be the one to cut ties because his mom has no motivation since the relationship between them serves her so well.
The mom needs care but can and will find other options when given that choice. It's up to OP to present her with that choice and remove himself as the fixer for everything but I know from experience how much easier it is said than done.
You cannot change your Mom. As she descends into illness she will more and more want the two of you to be attached at this hip. You can change how you handle things, and one of those things may be to recognize that it is time for you to live your life. That will be sad. Not everything at end of life (nor at ANY time IN life) can bow to "fix it" orders.
I still live in the nest.
Extra help would be great and I'm overdue for a break, but there's two things that go against me. One is Covid. The other is her fear of getting robbed blind. She trusts only a small number of people and she's afraid that with her being immobile, a hired caregiver will take everything.
The best way to convince your mom she needs to hate her circumstances enough to change her ways & habits, is to stop being her cushion; her go-to person who enables her to live this lifestyle she's living. Force her to DO for herself. If she wants junk food, she has to figure out how to GET junk food herself. All you'll bring into her house is healthy food, for example. Hire in home caregivers to help her, who will not kow-tow to her wishes but stick to a regimen that you'll set up prior to their hire. Period. If mother doesn't like the new regimen, she can move into a SNF or an ALF and that's that.
When you stop enabling this behavior, she'll have no other choice but to change.
Isthisrealreal said it all, actually, now that I read her comment:
"How do we convince blickbob to hate his circumstances enough to make changes?"
My question to you is, what are YOU going to do to change YOUR life, Bob?
:)
hug! i hope things improve for you.
1.
you said your mother hasn't seen a doctor since 2018. i don't think that's a good idea. she has several physical health problems - there's no way you know the solutions to some of these (you don't have the knowledge). she might also need blood tests, MRI, etc.
concrete recent example i know:
a friend's LO got a blood test. vitamin D and B12 were very low. got supplements for both. already 1 week later = more energy, more strength to stand up from seated position, more strength to walk (before, walking was hard/tiring).
your mother (you said, eating lots of junk food) might have a simple vitamin deficiency (in addition to other physical problems), which makes her very weak.
2.
you said she's recovering from cancer treatment:
the TRUTH is, meanwhile, she might have accumulated many other physical problems you're unaware of. a doctor needs to check, do tests.
with physical problems = your mother can get depressed, apathetic (not feel like taking initiative to improve her situation), lack of motivation.
treat the root cause = get tests done, treat the physical problems.
3.
fear of being robbed blind.
i agree with your mother.
we had big problems with caregivers (thieves). but you live with her (i don't live with my LOs) - how about you watch the caregiver, make sure there's no stealing? you take the valuables to another room?
you can sit strategically somewhere in the house that allows you to work (for example on your computer), while still keeping an eye on the caregiver.
we managed in the end, to find trustworthy caregivers -- it's not easy to find them. many are thieves.
4.
covid worry.
i understand. but she might simply have to take the risk.
the choice is between continuing to destroy your life --- or her maybe getting covid from a caregiver. it would be bad of course, if she gets covid. but it's extremely bad if she destroys your life.
be careful. under some circumstances, it's neglect not to get a doctor to check her out for all her physical problems. (i understand your mother doesn't want to continue cancer treatment, so that's not what i'm referring to.) (i mean, she might have many other physical problems).
even though she's of sound mind, she might be temporarily not of sound mind (depressed, can't be bothered to try to improve her situation, refusing doctors).
If/when your mother's condition deteriorates to where she has to go to a nursing home, how will you, blickbob, support yourself?
Being out of the work force for a long period of time will make you a lot less employable.
Don't let your mother rob you of your life and your future.
In what sense is she "recovering" from the treatment she had years ago?
How do you see this situation developing over the next 2 or 3 years?
i also want to add this:
your mother refuses to see doctors (i repeat: i'm not talking about cancer treatment. i understand she doesn't want that. i mean, for other physical problems). your mother refuses PT, etc.
PLEASE tell her a lie. say this:
"Dear mother, I spoke to several lawyers. They warned me I can get sued for neglect: you have many physical issues, and you haven't seen a doctor since 2018. I know you don't want to see a doctor - but I have no choice. I must bring a doctor to the house to get you checked out, run blood tests. I can't drive you to a doctor, since you're immobile and I can't get you into the car. One of your problems might be a simple, treatable vitamin deficiency. This can cause weakness, fatigue, apathy, depression, lack of motivation. I don't want to get sued for neglect. We have no choice. A doctor must come and see you. You might also be forced to start PT, no matter what."
:)
i hope you’re ok, i hope your mother’s ok.
i want to clarify (regarding the idea of bringing a doctor home) :
-some doctors are awful, incompetent
-some doctors are very immoral (wanting to treat the patient, just so they can make more money, even when the treatment is clearly a very bad idea for the patient)
—some doctors just don’t care
—some doctors make things much worse
so:
i’m not suggesting you bring just any doctor. and anyway, if you feel the doctor is proposing bad solutions, of course you don’t need to go ahead.
hug!!
———
regarding YOUR life OP…
please, as i said, try to envision a non-negotiable goal (dream job, whatever)…and work towards it.
no excuses.
sometimes we human beings really are in a very difficult situation — and yet i say:
no excuses.
work towards your dream job, etc.
I agree that the therapeutic fib has its place, but it must not be absolute, obvious horse poo. There is no authority on earth or in heaven which can force a person to start PT, and mother is almost certainly aware that she has every right to reject medical attention.
But I certainly do agree that Bob would be well advised to start documenting each occasion when he asks his mother if she would like him to call the doctor/nurse/paramedics/other services, what her reply is and her reasons (or that there is no reason stated) for her reply.
in this case, i disagree.
dear OP: please just lie to her. it doesn't matter it's not true.
even if "horse poo". so what?
your mother aware she can reject medical attention? --- actually, she can't always reject. if she's mentally really not ok, she's actually not of sound mind, and it's you who must make good decisions.
she might indeed not be mentally ok (depressed, secretly suicidal, whatever) (people who are truly suicidal often don't talk about it).
lie to her. get things moving.
say you don't want to get sued: she MUST be forced to see a doctor, maybe also PT, end of story. no discussion.
i understand what you mean -- but i have to say, i have moments too, when i just want to talk/vent/let things out -- so i understand OP totally, if he needs/wants to vent on this forum: that includes whatever question an OP wants to ask.
as for advice from us ----
it's not a certainty at all, that any advice from any of us, is actually GOOD advice.
:)
we all know about good intentions...
that holds true too, for advice with good intentions...
it might turn out that OP follows someone's advice (let's say for example, the same advice written by a huge majority of people), and it ends up a disaster. this is because, none of us are omniscient: there are many facts about OP's life we don't know, and even if knew them, the RIGHT SOLUTION might still not be known.
life is messy.
and sometimes, just the fact that people on the forum respond to a poster's question, might make the poster feel "loved", cared for.
just having replies, might lift OP's spirits. (i hope so.) (feel yourself encouraged and lifted up, blickbob!!). :)
so...to conclude:
i'm not against responding to OP (blickbob) at all. :)
we all have tough moments, when we just want someone to please listen, to our difficulties/pain/etc., ask a question, whatever question we want to ask.
hug!!
YOU WILL FIND A WAY, blickbob, to improve your life. believe in yourself.
hugs to everyone here on the forum from me, for whatever tough situation you're in!!
bundle of joy :)
I just want to be free. That's it. I'm the overworked slave and my mom is the master that is blind to my exhaustion and won't let me free."
BB, why do you think you can't get a job?
Because your mom asks you to do things for her?
Who made her the boss of you?
Although everything you say is 100% the reality, still try to get your life in good order.
Like you, I’m a man too.
I help my uncle. I have a less complicated situation than you.
But Blickbob, you must try to get your life in order. Your destiny is pleading you to do something, anything, to change your circumstances.
Wake up early? Use that alone time to send job applications? To go running? Get fit? Feel physically better? Get out of the house, meet some people, have normal conversations that have nothing to do with your mother/health/caregiving? Watch an inspirational movie about someone who succeeded despite so many things?
All us human beings often fall into the temptation of excuses.
The reality is that, there are ways for you to get your life in order, prepare the conditions to get that job you want. The more time passes, the more difficult.