How do I have the conversation with my mom about her going into assisted living?

Angel, I hope your visit to the AL goes well. Please don't wait for the moment - as your mother suggests - for when her mind is totally gone, because that would make your visits meaningless to her. You need to take her to a home where you settle her in with flowers, magazines, books, easy TV remote and window with a view and encourage her to make friends. Yes, people with memory problems can and do make new friends and they do benefit from increased socialisation of having people all around them for communal activities like eating meals.

Thanks Vicki64!
Roxy177, I know, this is the dilemma, she can have these moments of clarity, especially when it comes to her kids wellbeing, (I am the 7th of 8 children, all still living) but then tonight while I was out, the caregiver said she was so upset, anxious, and confused about me being gone an extra 2 hours. She has always been highly intuitive with a strong emotional intelligence which is the one area of the brain not greatly affected by dementia.
She has been very sad and weepy since Mother's Day and when I ask her why sha says she doesn't know. I stayed away longer so she would be in bed by the time I came home but she was too upset and we ended up having another discussion in which I told her that things have to change because my health is declining. It's hard to describe how she is but I told her I'm trying to keep her in her home and things are going to change, more people coming in and I just need her to cooperate and trust that I won't leave her alone. It finally sunk in, for now. She gets so scared. She said she knew something wasn't right with me. I guess telling her made her feel better somehow. Maybe because she wants to help me and now she knows how, and will do anything to support me. She is always thinking of me. I'm not a mom, but I guess that's what mom's do. She's so focused on me, to the point of it being annoying, notices every little thing. I'm too tired to be her cheerleader anymore. She is naturally introverted and not social except with family, who don't come around much, except my oldest sister, who lives 3 hours away. She is coming Memorial Day weekend so I can take a couple nights respite.
I've rambled on a bit....had such a nice relaxing evening, then came home to stressville and got all amped up again. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming , just keep swimming,..... " as Dori sings.😀 Thanks! Love this group!

Angel: I so understand your Mom being introverted and not social except family, that is how my Mom is. But, we have been a Mom to our Mom since she was in her mid 40's (a mental breakdown). And my Dad died at 56. But, back to YOU. Your Mom has anxiety when you are gone, ? does she take or would she take any medication for anxiety? Great, that your sister is coming, but you need regular scheduled respite breaks, if you don't get your Mom in an ALF. So you have to get honest with yourself. Are you going to follow through and put her in the ALF? If not, then it is time to work on a new Life style of having help come in and give you SCHEDULED breaks, so you can change your life style and start having a life outside of this home. You can't keep doing the same thing over and over, knowing that things have got to change. Keep Rambling On.

Thanks Roxy, I do have regular breaks, 5 hours twice a week and I am already increasing that and looking at other options for myself. I am considering having mom stay in an ALF for a month so I can reset. I go to a facility tomorrow to see about that and maybe permanent. Not sure if I'm ready for that but something has to change and soon.

angel, let us know how it goes tomorrow. Checking out this ALF is just one more step. A month is there will do you both good!! God Bless you on this journey. I know it is not easy!

Angel, It is good that you know you have to have a month. Please stick to it and do it. A month is not a life time. Please do not feel guilty or allow her to those feelings to overcome you. You have done a tremendous caring time for your Mom and if you still want to be sane and around, you have to do this. Sometimes when we take that step we are amazed what is behind the door. And yes, please keep us updated, we are cheering you on.

You gals are great! It was very good that I went to the ALF because it helped me see that my mom is no way near ready for a facility. After talking with my sister and her offering more help and talking with mom tonight, I'm considering taking a month off and going away and having my sister and caregivers take care of mom. The talk with mom was hard and it took a bit for her to understand it was only temporary, that I wasn't going away permanently, but she understands and wants me to do what I need to do. It scares her but she said she will be okay. Just knowing this is a real possibility and having the talk with my mom is already helping. I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for your support. It helps so much!

Angel , great. Hope all goes well. I didn't think your Mom would fit in Memory Care, she is too with it. I do hope you do as planned. My sister is also taking my Mom for the month of June, so we can finally take off. I have had her on my own BUT I have the support of my husband and just the past 2 weeks, someone coming in for the 2/ 5 hours breaks for me to get out of the house. ( My husband did also help, but can not do the bathroom thing) I have made the decision, that when we get back, I can't just sit around with my Mom, if I want to go some where, like rent a home in N.C. in October to observe the changing of the leaves, well I am renting a home and Mom is going with us. My sister is also trying to change her working schedule to have Mom more often and we are going to try to work something to meet each other half way, she lives 6 hours away. My Mom was very sick when she came to my house and has gotten so much better, so now that she is doing so well, after almost a year now, I have got to make a change. We ca not put ours lives on hold, we don't know how many days we have left either and it is not fair for us to get sick and depressed. So please keep in touch and let us know how things go.

So great you are getting away! I too am going to make some changes when I get back. It's not going to be a month, just 16 days. Family is helping out to alleviate the caregiver costs, flying one of my sisters in from AZ who has helped out before and has a lot of experience with caregiving.

After being okay with it, my mother has been difficult and is driving me crazy. She is so paranoid and is making it all about her....turning into her mother. First she thought I was leaving forever and couldn't grasp the idea of a break. Thinks I don't love her and all kinds of craziness. Fortunately, we celebrated her birthday, the 19th, with some of her old friends which made her very happy but the day started terribly because she was distraught at the possibility of going to stay with my brother and sister-n-law for a week. They said it would be better to come here, which helped, but then my sister offered to come which is even better. Mom feels better with her. My patience is really gone and it's showing. I got away today and this evening which helps. We have a family gathering on Sunday which will be nice. I'm getting away Memorial Day weekend too and seeing my regular therapist, thank God she was able to see me on a Sat. I'm really glad family is stepping up and knowing I'm getting away soon is helping.

I am concerned about my sleep issues which continue to plague me. My dr. gave me a prescription antihistamine which should've knocked me out but it did nothing. Ambian can have serious side effects so I really don't want to take it all the time but right now it's the only thing that works and there have been times that it doesn't work if I take it too many nights in a row. I don't ever feel rested even if I sleep when I take it. I will continue to work with my dr. but am going to try a natural remedy that worked before, Kavinace. It's expensive but if it works again it will be worth it. I gave it to mom for many months and it worked well but now she doesn't need as much to sleep. I prefer using natural remedies. I've been to the dr. and taken more prescription drugs in the last year than the totality of my life!
Thanks for your support! Enjoy your time away!

Angel, enjoy your updates. Sounds like things have began to move in position for you to begin to have some help and hopefully make the needed changes for your sanity and health. And maybe perfect timing to see your regular therapist.

Our time on the road has been cut down, my sister can't take my Mom until after the 4th of June, and I my granddaughter will be shopping for her Wedding gown on June 5th and I am not going to miss that appointment with her. My husband is a little disappointed, but things happen. It will be good, just to get away.

I don't get a solid night's sleep either. I get up with my Mom at least once to assist her in the bathroom and sometimes she just calls out for me, due to a crazy dream she may have had and I just have to reassure her everything is okay. I confess, I use my TV to go back to sleep. I also enjoy a glass or two of red wine some nights. Depends if I am in the mood for it or not, also have a hot tub and it is helpful in relaxing before bedtime. Never, a full night's sleep.

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. Good to hear, your family is stepping in.

Getting away will be so good for you. Staying to help pick out your granddaughters wedding gown is worth it!

Things have calmed down the past few days. Mom seems to have accepted the situation even if she is a bit concerned. She's always been a worrier and the dementia just makes it worse. I keep telling her that I'm not the only one who loves her and can take care of her. She's like a little kid.

I also put a small deposit down to hold a space at the facility I went to last week for their new building which won't be ready till late fall. It is refundable should we not be ready for the room and her name goes back on the list. I met with the administrator of the place and I really liked her. I also met some of the residents who are at very similar stages of dementia as my mom. Just having a backup plan eases my stress. The break will help me get back to myself and think clearly so I can plan for when I get back.

Hope your Memorial Day weekend is fun. Appreciate your communications.

Angel, Wow, that is wonderful news, especially if it puts ease to your stress. Good for you! And maybe you will have a little taste, as you get relief from your sister.

Things are progressing here for our trip in June. My brother in law picked up a hospital bed from my son, and also a rocker recliner of my Mom's, so those are in place at my sister's home. My plans are to have my Mom's things packed, deliver her to my sister and then go to my granddaughter's or my son's home for the night and be ready for the Bridal shopping day. The next day return home, get my husband's and my packed bags and hit the road for the next three weeks! Plans, if all goes as planned, LOL.

My husband and I just returned from a wonderful night at a Beautiful Hotel, and Restaurant; awesome dinner with champagne , provided as a Mother's Day gift from my daughter-in law and son. Also included breakfast. They spent the night and took care of Mom. It was so wonderful to have such a special break.
Expecting my son and his wife and daughter today and my daughter and her husband we are going to grill, fish fry and relax. I am looking forward to this. Thanks for keeping in touch, so nice to get your updates. Have a Good ONE.