How do I have the conversation with my mom about her going into assisted living?

For the back pain, get her an adjustable bed. We got one for mom and no more pain.
For Assisted Living, go on tours, usually they include a free lunch. Or go to their Holiday parties, Like Mothers Day, Memorial Day or 4th of July. It is not for now, it is for "when the time comes" and "you can decide which place you like". We got a one month trial at half price. Mom stayed.

angelsiwel, my heart goes out to you...I just went through basically the exact same thing, but I was taking care of my mother for over 10 years with her living with me and she is only 74 now. It just came to the point that I couldn't do it anymore and I had to put her in a assisted living memory care. After, I was glad I did...she is doing much better physically and mentally. Yes, she complains that she wants to come home, but it has released me from part of a responsibility that was killing me. Mother doesn't have enough money to pay the facility and it's costing me $500 out of pocket, but it's either that or my sanity. I had to choose my sanity.

I agree with pamstegma - since this is not a "urgent" move - take mom to tour some places and see how she likes 'em. It will help BOTH of you feel better about transitioning.

Let me caution you, though.....My sister & I toured 6 facilities and chose 2 of the 6 to take Dad to tour (mom couldn't go due to immobility issues).. We immediately turned down those 4 because they were awful. Urine stench,,,ratty looking surroundings, unacceptable cleanliness...we actually cried when we left one of them. I didn't want to scare my folks. Check with your local area on aging office or online and see what types of situations are available in your area & start collecting info now.

Hi Angelsiwel,
It seems like we're all in the same "dementia boat". You're an amazing women! Caring for a parent for 10 years is a very long time. I think the hardiest part is when we have to make the decision to get our parents into a Care facility. My situation is basically the same as yours but only for 2 yrs (seems like 10) and I have my sister to help me. We care for mom in her home and just like your mom (with help) bathes and clothes herself and walk around with a cane but her brain is not good. Even with help I feel drained, especially mentally and it breaks my heart when I leave my beautiful home and husband. They never want to leave their home but unfortunately it will happen. We have made it very clear to mom (several times) that one day we're going to have to find a good care facility for her because we will not be able to give her the care she needs. I've also told my sister once this disease starts affecting us physically, we're not doing it anymore. If we were to have to place mom in a care facility my heart would be at piece because we've done everything possible to keep her content. Angelaiwil, listen to your heart and body. Go visit care facilities schedule appointments for tours and meet with the coordinators to see what financial programs she qualifies for. Your mom has lives 91 wonderful years, you deserve to live yours. Please keep us posted, god bless.

Angelsiwel, I feel for you! I am in a similar situation. Mom has lived with me since Dad died in 2007. I've been caring for her, ever since. I was forced to retire, to take care of her, as I have no siblings. She too has dementia, but can get around and basically care for herself. ( I sometimes wonder about her hygeine ) I have no life, and my own health has suffered as well. Every time I mention, her going "someplace" she becomes very agitated, and angry. I honestly don't know what to do. I have suggested a few times, that we go look at some of these place. Each time, she says she won't go. Then she starts saying, she should just die, so I will be happy. That brings on the guilt, and my afib. I hope you can figure out how to deal with it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

What would our parents do if they should outlive us, or we have a serious medical issues where we just can't help them anymore? I remember asking my parents that, and their answer was "we will manage". Yeah right, in their dreams.

My parents [in their 90's] wouldn't budge from their house, never, nada, nope. It wasn't until my Mom passed, that two weeks later that my Dad said he was ready to move into a senior type housing, he couldn't do all the stairs anymore, even with the help of paid caregivers. What was ironic, I had just toured a senior housing facility just the day before and the place looked really nice. Kept my fingers crossed when Dad wheeled into the lobby that he would like the place.... he said "where do I sign up?".... and that was before he had a tour of the building and the free lunch :)

Therefore, I think there need to be a major reason or need before one's parents will move into Assisted Living. The more I think back, the more I realized I was enabling my parents to keep up their life style in their own home. And in the mean time my house was being neglected and my health was declining big time. I was afraid my parents would outlive me.

Thank you all for your responses and support. I was up all night, sun was starting to rise, half the time in tears, thinking about this and just allowing myself to feel it......and it feels terrible. My mom had such a terrible childhood during the Depression in the Dust Bowl of Texas and was always being left here and there with relatives, drunken father, mother never said she loved her her entire life, sexual assault, moving all the time and hungry a lot. When I think about that little girl, which I've seen, and how hurt she was I feel like I just can't abandon her to strangers again. The thought of doing that just makes my heart ache.
I think about getting a job, outside the home, so I can have some time away from her and maybe meet some new friends but with as tired as I already feel this seems daunting and not doable. I just keep trying to think of ways to make it work but the only way it would work would be if someone came to live with us to help. No one in the family is available, capable or willing to do such a thing. Thank you for your prayers, I need them.

Angel, if you tour a couple places yourself and find one that YOU like. Then take Mom for a drive and end up there. For Lunch, even. Just to meet people. I truly do understand your plight.. But sometimes we have to fib to Mom to help her stay safe and well cared for. If something should happen with your afib, you would be no good to your Mom. An AL will help her with hygiene or mobility or whatever she needs. She will have the company of people that are her age and have had those same Depression experiences that she had! After both of our parents were placed in an AL, then we could visit them and enjoy the time together. We still do little things for them, like making picture books and having family gather. And we certainly advocate for them!! God bless YOU for being the caring daughter that you are!

You are not your mother's end all and be all. You were not born for that impossible job. You are not responsible for making her life all better, or making up for her lousy childhood. You can't do it. You think you can 'try', but all the two of you are doing is marinating together in exhaustion, depression, and inertia. Take the advice being offered here and find her a nice place. She might very well be better off for it, and with new distractions and activities she won't be ruminating on her miserable childhood. (you can go visit her 6 hours a day if you want, but then you can go home and sleep soundly later, and maybe your depression will lift, and allow you to feel optimistic and enjoy life again). Otherwise, you will lose out on living the rest of your life and probably die before she does from stress and overwork. Enough is enough, you have to know it and do something about it, just like millions of other people have.

Lassie, thank you for saying this and being so direct. I also had the thought last night that there is no way I can "fix" her past and I know she would be very upset if she knew how much I'm struggling. I appreciate all of the advice.

You might consider looking for a board and care home.

If you can find a board and care home, yes. I never knew there was such a thing, but a friend of mine said her 90-something mother has been living in one nearby. She's still sharp as a tack and can get around some, my friend dances attendance upon her and also there is hired help to come in daily. Friend's mother has a lovely room in a beautiful old house, the tenants (maybe 6) get three meals a day, like a boarding house. There is someone in the house all the time in case of an emergency, but they don't do medical things or personal care, or drive the tenants to appointments. It costs $1000 a month or more, taken out of social security checks and pensions, but that is less than a nursing home or even a new modern apartment.

My husband and I have been sharing duties helping with Dad since Mom passed almost 10 years ago. We were both working full time positions - days vs. nights so that one of us was always available. We have both retired within the last 3 years and find that although Dad is still relatively healthy for 90 y/o, he is now needing more and more time and attention from both of us. While assisted living for Dad would be wonderful as far as we are concerned, we realize that it is absolutely not an affordable option in his case. When we consulted an elder care attorney a while back about DPOA/Medical DPOA, the advice we got was that the next time a fall or injury took place, call for EMS, have Dad transported, insist on having him admitted for observation and appeal for Medicaid to cover NH care from that time forward. Otherwise we will just have to continue as we have been doing for the last number of years and wonder if Dad might outlive us!

Angel....Here's a totally CRAZY idea....but when we moved my folks to independent living...it was so nice and so beautiful I wanted to move in, too. Activities, housekeeping, free laundry rooms, big-print libraries and exercise areas on each floor, a kitchenette in each apartment..but a cafeteria/dining hall as well, a beauty & barber shop, plenty of really nice staff members all over the place....looked like livin' on a cruise ship to me! You had to be at least 60 to live in the facility. If I hadn't been living out of state and been 5 years older, I might have signed up.

At 86 (Dad) and 89 (Mom)...Dad was in terrific shape, but Mom had ambulatory issues and the beginning stages of dementia. Without him, Mom would have gone straight to assisted living. Mom was eligible for in-home aides to come in a couple times of week to bathe her, check her vitals and help with PT. She could have received more services if she wanted them.

Maybe instead of sending mom somewhere, you both might look at a situation like my folks'. Move into something like that with her. You would be freed from a lot of house work and maintenance stuff,,,,Mom could get aides in to take over some of the hands-on you currently provide,,,,and either or both of you would be exposed to more social interaction. You could get some respite and still feel like you didn't let mom down.

I like what pfontes16 has to say. If your mom is 91, you could be in your 60's. Think of your future too. My ex moved into an assisted living against his wishes. The way my daughter describes it, the home sounds great. Maybe you could get a two bedroom apt. and the staff can help you with your mother.

I'm not sure why you think that Assisted Living is akin to abandonment; you're still going to visit, yes?

Either your mom has sold you a bill of goods, making you feel responsible for her happiness, or you've come up with this idea of making it all up to her on your own. Either way, it's not a clear-headed way to think.

You are not responsible for fixing your mom's past.

After a week of my mom having daily "emergencies" that caused me to have to leave work while she was living "independently" at home I said "Mom, I can't do this anymore". That was the conversation. And yes, my mother had a terrible childhood.

I understand the challenges you face caring for your mother. My hat goes off to you. The stress that comes along with caring for loved ones can get to the point where you might want to pull your hair out or run. Its a lot for one person to take on by them selves. Speaking from experience if there is any way that someone can relieve you on a set schedule every week that helps a great deal. You need time to rejuvenate yourself. Time for your self do you don't start building resentment for the kind act you've been doing. Its OK to have those feelings but if there's any way you can hang in there a little longer for your mother it sounds like is up in her years. Our parents don't ask to be in the state they become when their independence is no longer with them. We owe that to them . And someday we might be in the same position. I know I sure wouldn't want strangers to bath me , or change my soiled undergarments or feed me or anything else that would require someone to touch me I didn't know. We still have years ahead of us and there's are coming to an end. I hope you understand your a very strong person to have been committed this long . I think maybe you might need a regular break. I sure hope you'll give it some thought before moving her. Sincerely just lost mom

I wouldn't want my daughter changing my diaper or any of the thousand other things. I would be absolutely FINE with a paid 'stranger' coming in to wipe my butt, make me jello, do my laundry, grocery shop, ferry me to doctors. Etc. etc. etc. I didn't have a child to make them my indentured servant in my old age. And the more senile I was, I am certain the less I would fret about a 'stranger' coming in, I would welcome them and they would become my 'friends' just as my mothers caregivers ended up being as close and dear as any family could be.

Lassie - I appreciate your sentiments, but (I hope) it's too soon to say how you'd feel as an elderly person who needs to be cared for. I'm sure my Mother felt that way too when she was 30 years younger. Aging & dementia turned her into a fearful woman who didn't want any stranger near her and couldn't understand what was happening to her - thus she refused any outside assistance and trusted only my father or her daughters (to a very limited degree) to care for her. I know for sure she didn't marry Dad 65 years ago with the thought in mind that he'd be great servant when she was infirm. She didn't have children to be her indentured servants anymore than she was an indentured servant to us when we didn't know how to hold a spoon.

We don't always get to choose who we're gonna be or how we're gonna act when we get to that phase of life.

Thank you all for sharing your ideas and experiences. I appreciate this community and it's wealth of information and experience. I will keep these ideas in mind as I make my way towards my own self-care and my mom's care. I am grateful to be with her especially on Mother's Day. When I hugged and wished her a happy Mother's Day she said everyday was like Mother's Day for her because I am with her and she is very fortunate to have me here. So sweet. I feel fortunate too.

Hi AngelsIwel, hope you had a Wonderful Mother's day. Our day was very nice and thankful for the time we spent with mom. Have a great week and stay in touch.
Will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you, Gloriacoco. We had a nice day.

As someone who has worked in many facilities and also has family who has been placed in facilities, I would suggest that you find a facility who has a resident who was willing to have your mom over for tea or coffee in her assisted living apartment. Let the resident who is already living there give your mom a tour of the apartment and the facility and show her that it's not so scary. The resident could also show your mom some fun activities going on that she might enjoy. Your mom may feel a lot more "normal" if she is with some other residents who are dealing with the same memory issues that she is. Your mom might surprise you by wanting to make some friends her own age within the facility. Above all please take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about asking for help.

Hi there and happiness and joy to you today! Right this minute give yourself a hug for me and say out loud, "I AM a wondrous and beautiful being and I have a life too!" I know just what you are saying and feeling as it is the same way here at my house and I just signed my Mom up for an asist. living place that is wonderful. I have made up my mind that when I reach a certain age I am going to find myself one of these places and move into it myself. Gosh, what more can one ask for and if Mom don't like it...well maybe I will move into it early and she can stay home and hire her own help! HA just trying to get you to laugh a bit. It is true tho, if you can find the right place. I had to put her on a waiting list and while she is waiting for that I also hired a person for 4 hours one day a week to just come and talk to her and prepare her for the assisted living place. She also goes to an adult day care 2 times a week while I take care of things and run errands. It has been hard for me also as she is Miss Negative of all our family but when I caught myself getting just as negative as her I have to do something else. I don't like that feeling and never have or the feeling of being manipulated which has happened all my life with her. She is an only child and very spoiled even tho the family was poor and she had an drunk for a Dad also. She has always blamed everyone else for everything too so I know!!! :)

First, you take a respite from her to recharge your batteries! Most of us caring for a loved one with dementia get the "burnout" syndrome, so you are not alone. Join a support group, talk to a therapist, but get help for you so you can help your mother. You will not have her forever, so help her as much as you can, and if you can no longer care for her, then put her with professionals.

One thing that might help in your decision would be if you took a step back and saw your mother as she actually is today, not as she was nor as you remmeber her. Then work out what she really needs - feeding, washing, help with dressing etc and see how much of this could be done by someone else (probably cheaper in a care home, paid home help can be expensive) while you could still give her companionship and love. This dreadful illness is an illness and it changes its sufferers, but don't let it change you or cut you off from your own world.
Now you have dared to contemplate all this, step back into your world with a new attitude fo "can deal, can do" - delegate as much as you can, ask others to help, and take time off (if others can sit with your mother); With a quieter mind and less guilt you will find the words. It will be less painful than you think. At the moment, there are too many black clouds in your own mental sky - time you chased them away. This is not being selfish, it is just taking care of the carer.

WOW, you are amazing. I don't know how you did it, but I think I do. I understand about how you feel about your Mom. My Mom had a ruff life, my father drank, we barely survived at times, and when things turned around for the good she had a Mental Breakdown in her 40's,, the youngest was a senior in hight school, out of 5 children. And a few years later my Dad diagnosed with lung cancer, after he had just built their dream home. In her 60's we had to move her into a group home because she had to have 24 hr. supervision. Praise God, it was the PERFECT place and the people loved and took wonderful care of her. We had a 10 year break, in the time of life we truly needed. They closed down, then my Mom was in an Assisted Living near me, great place, but she got sick and is now with me. I thought she was nearing the end, but is doing GREAT. So the point here is timing. It is time for your break. It is said that the care taker ends up being in worse condition than the parent. You have to take care of yourself, and trust God. Your responsibility is not to keep her happy and ignore your happiness, God forbid. You are to make sure she is safe, and taken care of. I believe in honesty. Tell Mom, you need a break, you love her more than life itself, but you feel like you are losing your's. You are or your going to take her to check out some places. Does not mean you will not visit, or she can't visit. Just fact, I need a break for awhile. Please do something you won't feel guilty once you take that step.TRUST.

Roxy177, thank you for sharing this. It all seems so black and white and final but it really isn't.
I had a little talk with my mom yesterday, planting some seeds, told her I was tired, worn out. She says she doesn't want to hurt me in any way, but didn't know what to do about it excepting dying so I could get on with my life. Always so nice when she makes comments like that, geez. She doesn't realize how painful that is to hear. She brought up going into a place and I could visit her but she said that would be when her mind is totally gone. It was a difficult conversation. At one point I realized that a big part of me feels like a failure, again, not being able to stick with something til the end. This is a pattern in my life. I have stayed with her for over 6 years but I thought I would be with her until her death but I just don't see how I can physically do that. The advice from everyone here is helping me look at the situation more objectively and be more self-honest. Last night when I couldn't sleep, again (I can only go to sleep with Ambian and refuse to take it every night) I tried to imagine my life with her in an assisted living facility and this helped. The not sleeping normally is so hard and I think I would be able to get back to sleeping normally because the hyper-vigilance would fade away. I feel so strange anymore, so out of it.
On Monday I am visiting an AL for memory care......one step at a time.

Angel, this sounds good. One Step At A time. Just keep doing that. Yes, you can do it! One Step at a Time. My prayers are with you!

Angel, again, if your Mom is that with it that she would say that would be when her mind is totally gone? Angel, let's take another step. We have no idea when any of us are going, you could go before her. Also, if she was at the point of not being in her mind, maybe she should then be with you at home on hospice? Yes, it is hard to take that step, but after you take one, the other's follow. Dr. Phil had a Hugh measuring tape across his stage, it was representing 85 inches? BUT, when he sent his guest to the tape he said "Stand on the inches that represent your age" happened to be late 50's and mid 60's. He said turn around look how much of you life has gone by, now look forward and if your fortunate to live life expectancy, how much time you have. BIG DIFFERENCE.
I sincerely hope you take the step. With conversation that you and your Mom has, I did want to ask if your Mom is ready for Memory Care???? Thanks