How do I control my temper with my Mom?

Before entering my parents home or going to assist dad as he called me I often asked God for strength and patience, I prayed it outloud. Although I am pretty sure He can hear a yell as well as a whisper, voicing the request reminded me of what I needed.
If you do snap occasionally, forgive yourself, you are an imperfect person in a most imperfect situation.

Cmshul, it is amazing the things that some elders worry about. My parents also worry that someone is taking their mail, my Mom even thinks the mailman is taking home her "Good Housekeeping" magazine.

Dad has issues with what he puts out in the trash on pick-up day. Cannot put out electronics, such as old computers or monitors... my gosh, what would the neighbor's say.... [rolling eyes].

Now Dad is obsessed with all the leaves on his front lawn... again, the neighbors might talk.

My parents are so private you'd think they were in the witness protection program. They have a post office box so that hardly any mail comes to the mailbox at home.

There are times when I blow up over these small things, but when it becomes a regular routine it can try your patience. I know I need to ignore these silly things, and maybe try to count to 10 before saying anything :)

Has your mother been evaluated for dementia and/or cognitive decline? Paranoia is a symptom. Living with it is not good for her or for you.

Valium is not a great drug for the kinds of issues that either of you is experiencing. I'd much rather you see a psychiatrist for a proper workup of what may be depression and a good course of treatment implemented.

Once you've got that taken care of, you can work on getting a diagnosis for your mother. Do you have POA? If not, try to obtain it now before she gets diagnosed with dementia. She is rapidly approaching the point where she needs three shifts of caregivers and you will need poa in order to be able to use her funds to hire care for her.

If there is any way you can get respite for a few days, please arrange to do so, you sound beyond burned out. Ask yourself where your mother will be if you die first.

One of the best ways to keep myself in check is to come to this site and read about what others are doing. I've learned so much and realized that I am not alone. There are so many people doing things that I can't imagine for elders and disabled people. It helps me so much.

I would also mention that while our spirits are tested and tried, at the end of the day, we have learned so much about ourselves. I'm not the same person anymore and in some ways, that's a good thing.

Cmshul, being the only go-to person for an elderly parent is definitely a burden. It can also be satisfying (at least some of the time.)

Are you in your 70s or late 60s? I'll bet you thought this was your time to slow down, relax, and enjoy the fruits of your labor, right? I hope you are getting to do that in many ways. Are many of your friends still alive, still able to get together with you, still interested in your life? Take full advantage of that. You can see by your mother's example that you may not always have them.

You say that your mother can be very controlling. Really? A little ol' lady in her 90s can control you? How? Does she threaten to disinherit you? Threaten to make you sit on a stool for time out? Or is she just especially sharp at pushing your guilt buttons? You really can control that,you know. Just because she buys you a ticket for a guilt trip doesn't mean you have to go. :) When you consider her "controlling" think about what that means and how she does it. I'll bet you could easily take back control if you really want to. What power does she actually have?

Cmshul, I'm a little bit worried. Your post asks about controlling your temper with your mother, but you don't go on to say any more about how you're finding that difficult, or what the problems are exactly. Do you live with your mother? Do you have any support with caregiving? Being too bound up with one another isn't good for either of you - I sympathise, I know how trapped it can make you feel. Keep posting, there are so many helpful voices here.

Babalou is right on track. If the meds aren't helping her, she is on the wrong meds. If she doesn't like taking pills, ask the MD about a transdermal "patch" that applies like a Band-Aid.
It's important for you to be off-duty at least one day a week, preferably two.
Also consider respite care, check if an ALF near you can take her "on vacation" for two weeks while you get away too.

CM, I go thru similar with my mom, 91, widowed, I'm her only go to person. It is a curse for sure.

First, keep coming here for support and reassurance you aren't alone in this and your moms behavior is more the norm than "the sweet old grateful senior" we see in commercials.

I'm visiting my mom in couple days and have already had the telephone conversations where she is trying to work me over. Ahead of these visits and calls, I make sure I'm well rested, and in a good patient frame of mind with a few prayers for patience. I try to keep things light, avoid arguments, and when things are tensing up or she acts up, I make sure I have a plan such as a drive in the car, going out for ice cream or milkshake, walk around the neighborhood together to remove us both from the environment or at least her home turf. This is the distraction that lets her refocus.

If it gets heated and she thinks I've stolen something, or something's missing or other, and there is no reasoning with her...I've learned to take a time out and just either go outside, or fake an incoming phone all and step outside or go to the car for several minutes while she cooks off. If it is just beyond hope, I tell her I love her and that I'm leaving and will see her in the morning. She sometimes tries to call me afterwards and I answer once and keep it short and then don't answer her calls til next day.

We deserve our sanity too and although they have dementia, sometimes it's just a temper tantrum or they are having an ill day. It's best to take a break and I no longer feel guilty about doing so. I have set many boundaries for my own mental health and to avoid saying something that would truly hurt her or that I can't take back.

Sounds like a good plan Cmshul. I know how draining and exhausting the emotional stuff can be. I have had to pull back from my own elderly parents because of much the same reasons as yours. I understand the anger as well and it sounds like we are similar in that regard....rather than lashing out, the anger turns inward and becomes damaging to your well being...me too. Don't feel badly that you have difficulty ignoring your Moms attempts to manipulate you. A lifetime of dynamics is difficult to overcome. Even when you do find tools that work, employing them requires constant vigilance which is exhausting in it's own way.

Talking to others is very helpful and giving yourself permission to care for yourself is a life saver. I'm sorry you are feeling so low.

Thank you. I am 64. Mom has been bullying me my whole life. With guilt. I am going to get a POA a sap. Great suggestion. I am already on antidepressant/anti anxiety medication but Mom issues breaks through that. Ismaili, I quickly said a prayer to be patient but didn't stop to listen. I was too mad. Thanks again all. Glad I found this site.